Unsure

I'm unsure how I feel today.  It was a crazy day at work and things still feel a bit unreal.  I also still feel incredibly alone and that turns into just a big ball of confusion in the pit of my stomach.  It's an uncomfortable mix of feelings that I used to cut in order to deal with them or make them go away.  It seems like everyday is up and down.

It is said that a person goes through many emotions in one day and today that was definitely true.  I got yelled at by a paranoid woman at work because I asked for her ID.  She was not happy with this at all and I had to go through 20 minutes of why I needed it.  After the transaction was done, I just went into the break room to calm down.  I have an anxiety disorder and this started to shoot it right up.  The medication stops me from going into a panic attack, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxiety.  I called my sponsor, who didn't answer and then continued to walk and breathe.  When I calmed down, I went back out to my station.

I also miss him.  He doesn't talk to me everyday anymore and he's distant.  I look over at a co-worker's station and he and she are e-mailing back and forth like we used to do.  It's about silly things of no consequence and that's what I miss.  We both went down and things got ruined.  Now I have no chance of career advancement.  At least not in the field that I would like to go into if I stay in banking. 

I also have so much hate that it's driving me to have crying spells.  I hate that I never got to make the choice as the choice was forced on me.  I hate that I lost him.  I hate my depression and my addiction and yet part of me needs them.  I hate that things are moving so fast.  I hate that I can't be me. 

I feel like I have to conform to some soulless ideal that is never going to be me.  I am sarcastic, charismatic and amazing.  Those characteristics seem to be stifled.  I'm living in the dark, but I'm aching to be free.

I don't really know what love is, but if what I'm feeling is love, then I love you.  Even if I do not know you, I love you with all the love that my tiny broken heart can muster.  I have been touched by madness and am unsure if I will ever truly be free of it.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to overcome.  Depression has ruined a lot of my relationships and totally took me away.  JK Rowling described the feeling of depression very well when she describes a dementor attack.  There really is no happiness in the world for the sufferer of depression and adding heartbreak to the mix is almost debilitating.

I have begun to mend some of the relationships that took a hit during my unstable phase and it's going well, but I still miss him.  When he left it was at the point where I thought we were working things out.  It just breaks my heart into pieces that a person that was there everyday barely says a word.  He may still be upset with me, but I thought we were trying.

I know that it sounds like I'm a sad co-dependent wuss, but I really did care for this guy and we were supporting each other.  That was taken away from me.  Part of it is my fault and part is that events from one day were blown out of proportion.  I'm tired of people saying that he was bad for me because having that support form someone that understands is never bad. 

Medication doesn't numb one from these feelings.  It doesn't stop the sadness or make one happy.  It just makes things livable.  My heart is broken either way and I feel like a shadow of myself.  A counselor said that it would be up and down for a while.  I just never thought that this would happen.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds and I hope that is true.  My optimistic hope is that he will forgive me and we can be friends again.  My pessimistic one is that I won't hurt anymore.  The worst part is that a broken heart rarely kills a person.  The reality is that we are never the same after the heart is broken.  It can mend, but it will never be the same.

Unpredictability

The most difficult part about recovery is the unpredictability of it.  There is a myth that once one is on medication and is in therapy that the person will be stable and will no longer have bad days.  That's not how it works, folks.  I have good days like yesterday and then I have bad days like today.

I know that friends want to support me, but disappointment and heartbreak have no support or solution but time.  I was disappointed that I didn't get to go out tonight because it would have been a welcome distraction.  I am suffering the heartbreak of missing him, which is ongoing.  He technically isn't gone, but to not get into a row with others I won't get into it.  The biggest blow was hearing the realtor say that everything has to be put in storage in order to sell the house.  The worst part is that my mother had the realtor explain this to me as if I was a child.

Normally, I wouldn't mind this news, but everything is happening too fast.  Eventually I will be homeless or at the mercy of friends because at the moment rent is too high for me to afford with student loans.  I feel like I haven't had time to recover from everything and that I am burning out, which is why I now sleep all the time. I just feel like the depression is winning today.

I have cried and slept and even mustered up the energy to sort through one pile of stuff.  It's just too much of a task to accomplish.  I started small, but sometimes I just can only do a small amount of work.  I am doing my best, but that isn't good enough for the time frame that I have.

I am trying to fight, but I need time to rest.  Today I felt fat, ugly and dumb.  That makes it impossible to accomplish anything of merit.  My main triggers are still looming large.  There is very little I can do to combat them aside from run, but then I realize that I have nowhere to go.

I wish that this could be happy but recovery is unpredictable and there will be bad days.  I am still going to keep going.  My heart is broken.  I miss him.  I miss the good version of me.  I miss being able to get up in the morning.  I miss London.  I want stability again. 

Happy

Yesterday was the first day that I felt happy.  At least that's what I think happiness felt like.  It was the first time that I felt above stable and could actually smile on my own.  Maybe that is what being happy is.

I went to work yesterday and didn't get annoyed that much.  We had a float and I was acting as a supervisor as the head teller had the day off.  The only annoyance that I had was that there was a late customer, but that happens almost every week.  I tried to help out as much as possible even though my exhaustion is getting in the way.

I spent the afternoon working on cleaning, which while it doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.  My family is getting ready to sell our house and it looks great with all the updates, but I wish I could stay there.  Not that I love the place I live, but I'm not entirely ready to leave it.  I want to be ready to leave, but that will not happen in the timeline that I have.

The other thing that I did yesterday was go to tag sales and a thrift shop.  To me these are like treasure hunting because you never know what you will find.  I found some brand new bracelets that I will be using as gifts from a tag sale.  I then went to a thrift shop because I was looking for a new pair of trousers for work as I lost a dress size.  I didn't find those, but I found a shirt for $5, a necklace and eyeliner.  I spent under $10 for all of that. 

I'm going to explain the necklace that I bought as it significant to me.  It is a plain silver clasp with a heart charm.  The heart is broken in half and is missing a rhinestone on each half.  To me, this means that even if the broken heart heals it will never be completely whole.  I am not sure why this find lifted me, but it might be due to the fact that a jewelry designer understood that heartbreak changes a person.

While everyday will be a struggle for a while, I am hopeful that things will get better.  I think this is a mix of the medication, the wellness plan and the fact that is is spring.  Yesterday was the glimmer of what could be.  That was the most important thing.  Though I wasn't ecstatic, I was above stable and that was the thing that I needed.

What I've learned...so far

While my anxiety level is severe and my depression level is moderate, I decided to write on what I've learned so far because it is a lot and I need to process it in some way.  I do that by writing.

I have learned that people can be very supportive if you are honest and are still compassionate.  After the incident I hated everyone.  I hated my co-workers for butting into my life.  I hated him for withdrawing.  I hated everyone.  I went to therapy and worked out my anger and then decided to write this blog.  My friends stuck by me, but by writing this I got an overwhelming response from people I never thought would read it.  It's heartwarming and restored my faith that people make mistakes but they aren't completely good or evil.  I have forgiven my co-workers, but he is a different story.

I learned the difference between men and women.  They think differently and act differently.  Men don't really apologize.  They show their care and move on from there.  He is still talking and it's a bit confusing, but it's still a gray area.  It really is up and down right now, but s I'm taking care of myself, maybe relationships can heal.  I think we need to heal apart for now.

Getting better is exhausting work.  It's completely retraining your brain to think differently and be different.  Change is a long hard fight, but I am still working on it.  I just tend to be sleeping a lot more.  We must celebrate the breakthroughs and the next one is eating normally.

I have learned to ask for help.  It got to a point where it was pretty bad, but staying silent will not fix the problem.  I wrote a letter to my supervisor to ask for an extra break in the mornings as mornings are very difficult for me.  I am just waiting for my APRN to fill out the paperwork so that I can have this break.

I have also kind of learned patience and that recovery doesn't happen overnight.  Though I still want to rush things and for things to get better in a fortnight, I know that it won't.  I just have to keep on with the wellness plan, exercise, therapy and medication.  I also need to keep being social and seeing my friends.

That's what I've learned so far and I hope that I will continue learning and getting better.  I hope that you, dear readers, will stay with me and continue rooting for me.  

The lingering symptom

I was going to write about Silver Linings Playbook, but I will save that for another day because I have a lingering symptom of both depression and anxiety.  I think it needs to be discussed because getting better is a tough business and this symptom will not subside easily.  The symptom I'm speaking of is exhaustion.

It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how much I sleep I am always tired.  This fatigue is also a trigger as my urges to self harm rise because I can't use the coping tools well when I'm tired.  I feel like I'm dragging most of the day and it's why mornings are so difficult for me.

This exhaustion also effects my concentration and that makes me very frustrated because I am so intelligent, which I pride myself on.  This lack of focus means I make mistakes that I didn't make before the incident, which made my issues so much worse.

I have asked for an extra break at work so that I will have time to calm down because of this exhaustion which makes my anxiety rise and that leads to chest pain.  I am just waiting for my APRN to finish filling out the paperwork so that I can file it with my job.  It will be such a relief to get a break and to be able to take care of myself because I want to be good at my job again and actually enjoy it.

I also want to address some other things, but that is for another time as well.  The main thing I want to say is that I appreciate comments and if you use the drop down menu on there you can use either open ID or anonymous.  I hope to hear from someone because people have sent my private messages that are encouraging.  I hope this makes mental health have a face and voice because those that suffer feel alone and are not.

I will continue to write and will continue to fight this one last lingering symptom.  Getting better is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally.  I'm retraining my brain, exercising and learning how to deal with my emotions without running away from them.  It is all draining and I am still hoping to overcome it.

The little things

I think we are all obsessed with grand gestures because those are the things that make us feel appreciated and know that we are loved.  I think it's the little things that matter especially when recovering.  He told me once that is was the little things that mattered and it is true.  You don't need to get someone an amazing present to let them know that you care for them because a single rose can say more.

Yes, I received a rose today because I told a friend that they make me happy and she got me one.  It was a red rose, which is my favorite.  It still makes me feel warm that someone thought enough to get me something so little that makes my day better.  I actually started to smile and feel like the real me again.

I started to get my charisma back last night as I met some new people and finally started to network.  I felt like an adult instead of a lost little girl.  I can still charm people even though I am a little weird.  I may have a little bit of hope that I will get better.  Realizing this is a little thing that fills my heart with joy.

Even something as simple as telling someone that you're proud of them for all the work that they have done is such a smile inducer and that can bring a person a small amount of happiness in a sea of darkness. Yes, it was my therapist that said it, but it still counts. It really is the little things that count more than the grand gestures.

Though I do miss him terribly, once I heal I may see how he is because the little amount of hope means that things might be able to be fixed and that we might have a healthy relationship.  That just may need to be handled with a piece of chocolate.

As I am big into movies I will end with a quote from the Hobbit on this theme because we know that if Gandalf says it, it must be true.

"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love."

Remember the little things because they are what counts.  :)