Medication Revisited

I have been having a couple of episodes this past week.  I believe that they are brought on by stress because I am starting to do the training at my bank, which is something that I love, but it's a work in progress.  I want people to feel good about little victories so we can build up to the big victories.  I don't think everyone is as excited about these things as I am.

As I was talking to a friend during one of my lonely moments, he said that I should call his girlfriend's psychiatrist because the medication she is taking is really helping her.  The thing is that I am taking medication, Pristiq and Deplin.  They do help, but what medication really does is stabilize.  It makes the unending sadness bearable.  It gives you the range of emotions that normal people have.  Medication does not heal a broken heart.

Medicine is another tool in the arsenal to fight this illness.  For me, depression is chronic as it coincides with my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  Once mental illness touches you, it's always there, but it can be managed like any other illness.  I believe that Americans especially think that once you take a pill, everything will be magically cured.  It's not like that, unfortunately.

I was going to write something different today.  I was going to write about the dichotomy of one word, but I'll save that for another time.  Right now, I'm striving to get better with a chronic, unpredictable illness.  My bad days while less frequent are tougher than most can imagine.

I use the word strive because that's what he said we do.  We are fighting a battle that most can never comprehend unless they have been through it.  He is bipolar, you see and though he is what he is, I cared about him immensely.  He chose not to take medication, which is his choice.  I had no choice with mine because I wasn't getting better.

Medication is just another tool to help everyone.  It can be useful, but it won't make a person happy.  Medication is an aid to make us functional that is all it is.  We must do the rest to heal ourselves.  We strive to be better.

Moon

More than anything.  Sometimes, I wish I could just talk to you and feel all the belief you have in me.  I want to hold it in my heart until it fills me.  The blessing of being empathic is this gift, the curse is that it doesn't stay once you go away.

Everyone Is Important

As I've started working on training and have been a teacher for 5 years, I have been getting input on creating new training programs.  These trainings that I am designing has brought pride in myself.  It has made me feel like I am making a difference, that I can overcome my illness to do something productive.

Today, I was talking to him as he is the training officer, about the board that I wanted to do.  Somehow the conversation turned into how everyone has something to do that is important.  He replied with everyone is important.  That got me to thinking about something that is very painful.  The main symptom of depression is the feeling of worthlessness.  The belief from distorted thinking that I am not important.  While that has improved a bit to the point where I believe that what I do in terms of writing and teaching are important, I am not important.

There are days when I think and feel that the world would be perfectly fine without me.  Someone will come up with similar ideas.  Someone will bring more joy than I can.  There are smarter, prettier, lovelier people than me.  That doesn't mean that I don't have value.  In the here and now, I am doing something while everyone else is not.

There are still gaps in me that have yet to be filled.  The emptiness of my soul that is consuming my waking moments.  I have to believe that I am important because even the most ordinary person has something that they are meant to do.  That is something that I have to remind myself everyday, everyone is important.

A Million Lovers

I came across an article yesterday, which perfectly described how I feel.  The article is Can We Be Lovers and Not Have Sex?  I want affection.  I want love, but for the most part, not sure if it's the depression, the medication or a combination, but I do not want sex.  Coming out of depression or nothingness makes me crave affection.

I have stated before that I want an affectionate friend.  I want to link arms with someone, hold their hand and hold them until I can feel them.  I want to snuggle on the couch and make you laugh when I dance down the street.  I want to see that other person the way they see themselves and grow to be the best versions of ourselves with them.

I used to have that with him, but everyone thought that I was in love with him.  I had exactly what I wanted, a friend that I could tell anything to.  Maybe that is love, but I wasn't in love with him, but I cared very much for him and I still do.  I don't know if I'm more evolved or if I just have different views on expression.

I know that not everything ends. Not love.  Not always.  The world would be so much better with love and affection that can be expressed openly.  I do not want romantic love.  I just want love that can be shared openly and affectionately and that it won't be judged by others.  I want to love someone  truly, deeply and without judgement from anyone.

Upwards

Overall, I've had a good week this week and have some great news to share.  I have always wanted to  teach/train because it's a talent I have and I believe in the power of education.  I will be taking over the training/coaching in my office!

I wrote a survey, a team-building plan and role plays for my office.  Right now, we are not a team,  We are 6 individuals who are doing our own thing.  Our team morale is low and I have devised plans to try to improve it, thus improving our sales.  My boss liked all my ideas and will let me implement them.  It's better than sitting around and doing nothing.  I am being proactive at least and I am proud of myself for doing so.

That is one of the great things about pride.  It is making me do other things like completing list items.  I finally got the last of my campaign letters to friends out today.  I got him to start speaking to me again and he's being really supportive about my training ideas as well as my personal goals of my museum, my non-profit and my next campaign ___ Makes Life Better.  I also have 2 more courses left to finish my original 2 CFT certificates.  I have 12 more list items to complete by February.  I might not get them all completed, but hopefully I will get most of them done.

I am hopeful for the future for the first time in a long time.  I am striving.  I have belief in myself.  That comes from within based on the knowledge that two people think that I can do anything.  They added to my pile of good things.  I know that bad things will still happen and that I will be hurt again, but that does not diminish my hope. I have gotten unstuck with the passing of time.  I have become proactive at work even with some of the conflicts that have arisen. I have gone upwards!

The Struggle Continues Daily

I haven't posted a medical update in a while because I was a bit forgetful.  I hadn't been doing my therapy homework assessments for a few weeks.  That's my forgetfulness because of vacation and getting back into the swing of things. The best part is that it is all good things.

I have suffered from asthma brought on by allergies for most of my life.  I take medication for it, which helps control it as I've been stuck with things that have no cure.  I went to my allergist and it was the first time in years that my lung capacity is in the normal range.  I believe it's from the exercise.

I never truly believed that exercise does so much for people aside from weight loss management.  It really does have some terrific benefits.  The first is definitely the increased energy.  I started only exercising for 5 minutes a day and increasing it one minute a week.  I'm not up to 36 minutes, which built my stamina and I'm not as exhausted.  It increased my lung capacity, which improved my health overall.  My stress is lower, my clothes are loser and my head is clearer.  Yay exercise!  As my APRN said, "If people with depression and anxiety can exercise, the rest of us have no excuse."

Just make exercising part of the routine.  It's difficult to start, but I promise you, it is so worth it.  If only to get your endorphins going to help combat your illness, it is worth it.  Come up with some type of exercise schedule.  After I hit 30 mins of aerobic exercise, I added in an ab work out.  Once I hit 50 reps on abs, I will add in a weight work out, which will hopefully equal an hour of exercise everyday.  How much time do we waste sitting in front of the TV?  Exercise AND watch TV!

As for my therapy homework.  I'm supposed to do weekly assessments on my anxiety and depression level.  The good news is that my anxiety depending on the weeks is down to minimal or borderline.  My depression is staying at a persistent mild.  I believe that this is due underlying pain and overthinking.  I have days where I am proud of myself, where I feel happy and then the sadness can come back.  It's always there. 

I have been feeling calmer lately because I had a conversation with him and he doesn't hate me.  He's been very supportive, so I guess some form of healing is possible. 

Work wasn't good today.  I was good because I have all these ideas on how to build a team, but I continually get undermined.  There is tension between me and this other girl.  We have nothing in common because all she talks about is her kids.  I have no children and I don't believe that I will have children because I cannot bring a child into this world with the risk of them suffering like I have.  I try to be courteous, but we all have a job to do.  Sales goals is part of that job.  We need to coach people up.  Everyone has different strengths and I think that training is one of mine.  I'll stop that part now because it's just filling me with the void.

Exercise is going well, therapy homework is helping.  The struggle continues daily.

Announcement

I mentioned in a previous post that I started a Facebook page for this blog.  I did this for a few reasons, which I shall tell you now.  You can like the page here.

The first reason that I started a page was to promote the blog more on a social media site.  Not to just get more readers, but to build a type of community where mental health issues can be discussed openly.  While I primarily write about depression, anxiety and self-harm on here, on the page I want to talk about bipolar disorder, psychosis, hospitalization etc. 

I also wanted to make it easier for people to participate in my campaigns.  I have a campaign called "___ makes life better."  This campaign will start in a month's time on November 1.  You can message me your contribution on my Facebook page and then I will post them.

The third reason was to get ideas and feedback for potential contests.  I want to have a contest in March for Self-Injury Awareness Day.  It's still in the works, but it's coming along.

Go on Facebook to like my page and get advanced notice on events and news that will be showing up on my blog.