Not Everything Ends

There is a quote that keeps coming across my thoughts on almost a daily basis: "Not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always."  I believe that this statement can be true.  It's true that somethings have to end whether it be a show, a relationship or a company, but there are things that don't end.  Sometimes people fall out of love, but the love doesn't die it just changes forms.

True love doesn't end.  We can move onto something else, but that love remains.  I don't think he ever stopped caring for me, from what I can tell.  I know that I never stopped thinking or caring about him.  I have been taking car of myself and yet I  miss talking to him about the mundane.  That love just turns into a memory, but it's still there.

I'm not the same person I was before, but my feelings have not changed.  Things always change, but not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always.

A Philosophy

Today is the anniversary of the tragedy at Newtown.  I live about 20 minutes away from Newtown, while I was personally not shocked by the events of that day, I was deeply saddened.  I ended up spending most of that day comforting others especially a friend with two young children, who just couldn't stop crying.  I was not shocked because I had a feeling that something terrible would happen, but was not quite sure what it was.

In the wake of the tragedy a lot of positive things happened, one of them was the 26 acts of kindness.  I know a lot of people who have done good things for people in memory/honor of the 26 victims.  While I applaud this effort, I do not participate in it. 

I believe that we should heal the world and perform kind acts every day because it's part of the goodness of humanity to help others.  I'm going to my good things next month because I don't do New Year's resolutions  I wanted to start doing kind things in order to add to another's pile of good things.  It's partially a tie in to my non profit and something that I'm doing for me.

We should be adding to people's lives not solely in honor of someone who is no longer here, but to improve the lives of the people who are still here.  There is so much bad in the world that those that can do good, should do goo.=d.

Good Things

While I was swimming today, (I'm staying at a hotel and it's an indoor pool.  I'm not that crazy), I figured out a new campaign as well as something that could tie into my forthcoming non profit, Pile of Good Things.  It's going to be a challenge, but something that everyone can participate in and I hope you do.

Let me first explain what Pile of Good Things (PoGT) is.  I came up with this idea as a way to combat stigma, discrimination and ignorance of those who suffer from mental illnesses in the business world because I got all of that from my job.  I believe that if they had understood depression, they would have been wiser and not lost me for 3 months while I recovered from the incident, which they caused.  That incident will be explained at another time.  I believe that education will be the greatest tool to combat stigma, ignorance and discrimination.  It will be available for employers to educate their HR, managers and supervisors on the signs of mental illness and what they can do for their employees.  While another section will be available to employees on what their rights are, how they are protected and some advice on what to do if those rights and protections are violated.

The name came from Doctor Who.  The quote below is from the episode Vincent and the Doctor, which is about Vincent van Gogh, who while brilliant, suffered from severe depression.

I also believe that companies should be adding to their employees' pile of good things.  There is enough bad in the world without your job adding to it.  If there is a bully in your office, they have mental health issues in the form of self-esteem.  That is not an excuse for them and bullying should not be tolerated.  Jobs should be giving people a sense of purpose, self-esteem and all other manner of good things aside from a paycheck.  Sadly, for many people this is not the case.  It's even worse for those that suffer some form on mental illness.  My goal with PoGT is end all of that, so that companies have higher productivity through  understanding while employees with mental illnesses have an equal shot to that pile of good things that a job can offer.

Now for the challenge.  I want to have a campaign in January where we add to someone's pile of good things.  It can be simple like sending a piece of candy to a friend or saying hello to someone who looks down.  It doesn't have to be an extraordinary or extravagant gesture, but it has to add to the good things in someone's life.  I will start in January by just saying the thing I did that day.  I hope you all do the same.

Just A Little More

Today was a strange day.  I don't think I have had a "normal" day in 5 years, but this day was even worse.  I think my job's rumor mill is worse than the one that was in my High School.  That's what destroyed me, misinterpretation and blowing things out of proportion.  Maybe some wounds don't really heal.  We morph into something else.

My friend was back at work today and while her sister is not dead, she is still very upset and stressed out.  That is understandable because whatever her sister took caused damage, which will require a great deal of aftercare.  My friend was very distracted, heartbroken and teary eyed.  It was difficult to watch.  I've seen suicide from both sides now and it's not pretty at all.  I gave my friend a hug because all I can do is bring comfort.  Maybe that small gesture will help in some small way since I cannot undue what has occurred.

I saw an ex close friend of mine at the holiday party, which triggered a wave of depression.  I still don't know what went wrong, but she didn't even look at me.  I always value my friends, which is why it hurt so much.  Instead of being responsible adults, we just stopped talking.  We all have communication problems and maybe it's just easier to walk away than tackle an issue.  Maturity is about communicating problems and resolving them, perhaps neither of us is mature or our respective illnesses were just too much to handle.  I really don't have an answer there.  I just don't understand how people can be so close one day and then strangers the next.

Then there was him.  While we've been talking and it's been getting a bit easier, it's difficult to adjust to it not being the way it was.  It was good to see him smile, but there is still distance.  At least I got a goodbye hug, which is so much better than being completely ignored.  However, it's not like it was and perhaps I will always miss being that open with someone.  He was the first unguarded friend I've truly had and his loss was irreparable. 

At least it looked like Narnia outside and I had some good food.  The day was just strange. 

Witnessing Devastation

I saw something this week, which I never want to see again, yet I know that it happens all over the world everyday.  I saw how a suicide effects the living.  While the person is not dead, just in a medically induced coma, I saw the confusion, panic and despair on my friend's face.  I know that it happens, but for me, I spring into action and try to remain emotionless because I know the answer to that terrible question, "Why?"

In that moment, that person was thinking that the world, her family and her friends would be so much better off without her.  This is not true, but in the moment, no one can convince them otherwise.  It's a distorted belief, which is a symptom of depression.  The people that go on without you are never the same, especially children.  There is no way to make this conviction of being gone will make things better make sense to anyone who has not been there.  The thing is that life will and can get better.

When my friend found out, we were at work and I tried my best to keep things calm and do what we had to do.  It does not do well for me to get teary eyed even though I empathized greatly.  It may make me seem inhuman, but during a crisis it doesn't do well for everyone to fall apart.  My job is to carry on because I've been there and now I've seen the devastation that suicide can leave in its wake.

If this person survives, and my hope is that they do, they will need considerable aftercare.  Not just psychological, but physical as well.  I hope that there is no permanent brain damage or damage to vital organs because surviving something like that may not have been the best option after all.  I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it as factually as I can.  Facts are not always tactful.

A friend said that I needed to witness that so that I could see what it was like from the other side of where I was.  To see how a symptom of a serious illness can affect others.  I never want to see that again.  Suicide is completely preventable.  You are not replaceable nor can any amount of money replace you.  There are places you can go to if you are in crisis.  1-800-Suicide is a free hotline to talk to someone if you are in a crisis.

You don't want to put people you love in that situation.  While it seems selfish, to the one who tries to die, it is an incorrectly perceived altruistic act.  There is always hope and always help.  We just all have to find it.

Affection

It's difficult for me to ask for any type of physical affection.  I'm not very close to my parents also my mother's idea of affection is patting people like dogs. Sometimes all I want is just to be held in someone's arms.  Someone who I trust and care for.  Not necessarily a lover because I don't think I'll have one for a very long time if ever, but just a friend.

One of the things that I used to love is having my hair played with.  I know that we have hairdressers that do that, but I loved it.  I know some people that think that hair touching is very intimate.  I don't think I'll have a lover and I want my hair braided, twisted and tussled. 

I am not sure what happened along the way where we all so a great lack of affection towards one another.  I know because of the years of cutting, that  I couldn't stand to be touched.  Now, that I've stopped, I just want to feel someone's touch.  I want something soothing that helps a bit more.

For now, I have stuffed animals.  It's not the same , but it's something that I have so I'm not sleeping alone.  I miss the simple act of holding a hand because one hand can open the world.

I Have So Triumphed

This week has been a bit insane so far.  The person who caused the incident has left my job, while I felt bad for her, I felt relieved at the same time.  I feel like I don't have to tip toe at my job anymore.  This was all coming off a great weekend where people wanted to help with Pile of Good Things. 

I mean I was shocked that it happened, but in a way, it was kind of expected because there were huge mistakes that were being made.  Today, my feet are killing me because of all the extra hours that I have been working.  I'm not sure if my supervisor now will be promoted and I'll apply for a supervisory position or if that will not happen.

Right now, I'm happy that things are looking up and that I'm doing something more than surviving.  I suppose that I am striving.  I finally got him back in a limited capacity, which is more than I could have expected.  I have no stopped smiling all this weekend and I hope that it can continue.

My body is not agreeing with me as it's almost 7 pm and I just want to go to sleep for the next week.  I have talked it over with my therapist and it's probably my thyroid. I saw my endocrinologist, which he agreed with me on the exhaustion.  I'm getting a blood test next week to see if my medication needs to be adjusted, which it probably needs to be.

I haven't been able to exercise as much because of the exhaustion so my weight has ballooned again.  All I really want is for my mind and body to have a truce.  It hasn't had one for quite sometime.  I may just need to find a low impact exercise or just limit my exercise to 30 minutes followed by strength exercises.  I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Basically, things are starting to look up finally.  I got my one more miracle.  Onwards and upwards.