Moving In Day 2

Today was about cleaning the kitchen.  That was brought to you by the word, "gross."  I'm not quite sure when the last time that that kitchen was cleaned properly, but it was horrid.  There were even left overs from the previous tenants.

So, I got to the apartment around 9 to wait for a mattress to be delivered.  My friend, Casey got there around 9:30.  I moved some of the boxes out of the kitchen so we could reach the cabinets.  There was not a tremendous amount of cabinets, but there were enough.  I swear the previous tenants splashed food everywhere because it was really stained.

I cleaned the counters first and then the cabinet surfaces.  They were kind of grimy.  Casey got all the upper shelves.  I also cleaned the door, which seems to have been neglected for years.  The previous tenants also left candy, a vase, mats and prescription bottles.  Needless to say, they went into the trash because I don't want them and I don't know where they've been. 

The lower cabinets had food stains that wouldn't come off, so we're going to put down liners and try to forget about them.  I know that I will definitely be wiping that all down again.  I'm not completely neat and tidy, but I'm not a slob either.  I have a lot of stuff, but I also have a sensitive nose.  I'm not looking forward to cleaning the fridge.

It's making me sad because now it's real, which means my parents will be half a world away.  I've got good friends and people who will look out for me, but it seems like the security is gone.  Only 3 more days in the house I grew up in. 

Moving In Day 1

This is move in week for me at the new apartment.  It's going well so far, but still slow considering that I'm still packing.  I am still left feeling a bit sad because my crappy house was the only house that I've lived in.

As for my sinus infection, it's much better.  The dizzy spells are fading and now I'm getting used to eating normal food again.  I will now get down to the nitty gritty of cleaning the apartment.

I started today by moving boxes in and vacuuming the place.  Since we think the previous owner had a cat (which I'm allergic to and they weren't supposed to have) it was necessary to super vacuum the place.  I figured out the cat part because there were little tufts of fur on parts of the carpet.  Hopefully, I got it all.

Tomorrow, I get to start scrubbing down the kitchen and starting to put things away.  That is the most joyous thing in the world.  Truth is that I'm kind of scared.  It's a big place for just me.  It's nice and open, but it's going to be so different for me.  This difference makes me lonely and then suddenly I think of him.  Change makes me miss who I was.  The only constant in life is change, but I miss who I used to be and I miss him being there.

The weird thing is that all the things we talked about to move my life forward are happening, but he's not there to see it.   That still makes me feel empty beyond words.  There is a place of sadness that cannot be penetrated by the light.  I don't miss him all the time, but when I do, it's devastating.

I'm hoping the rest of the moving process will be smooth and relatively painless.  I know that it's a new adventure and possibly what I need, but change like this is difficult.  Every new beginning comes from an end.  Nothing I am doing now would not have started if something hadn't been destroyed.

Sinus Infection

I'm still not feeling 100% because of a sinus infection.  It's the first one that I've had and it's been completely awful.  I still have a bit of a headache and have a bit of nausea.  Today is the first day that I have been able to do anything.

I think I have exhausted myself, which is not good.  I know that the antibiotics are working as the mucous is draining.  At least I won't have to walk up and down stairs all that much.  Even getting up and moving takes a few minutes because I still am getting a bit dizzy.

I know that I got this sinus infection from taking my back up allergy meds, bad pollen season and an allergy to dust, which is getting stirred up because of the move.  I had a headache for 3 days and then was incapacitated by Saturday for the good part of 4 days.  Today I was still out from work because I was still throwing up last night.

I think it will take me another few days to get completely better.  I'm on vacation next week, which should help a bit, but have to start moving into the apartment.  I'm nervous about the move and surprised that it's already here.

I moved a few boxes today and now my nausea is back and I can't see out of one eye.  Sleep by 10 latest.

Slip up.

Today I got very overwhelmed  and ended up slipping up.  I am in pain because of a sinus headache and my legs are hurting.  I think that I got overloaded from the move and the fact that I had a difference in my drawer, which I eventually found.  I just can't handle anything today.
I wish I had more time to spend actually seeing people, my friends.  They are either physically far away or are distant.  Not all, but many are.  I know it's difficult to have a friend like me, who is depressed and struggling.  I need the distractions and the companionship, even if it is from afar.  I'm having a hard time communicating how I'm feeling at work.  I put on the brave face and look fine.  I'm not fine, however.  I haven't been all week.

I set up a meeting with my therapist for tomorrow and it's not our normal time to meet.  I know how to cope better by now, but I just couldn't today.  I'm mad at myself and disappointed.

The Good, the Bad and the Lonely

Moving is an emotional roller coaster.  It's partially exciting and very sad.  It will be nice to have a place that is mine, even if I have a roommate.  I have just lived in the same house my entire life and I will miss it.  Especially since the bathroom is new.

I was talking to my therapist about moving and she said moving is definitely a loss.  It is making my depression spike.  I just feel so unprepared to go on to something new.  I thought I would have more of a support system in place by now.  My main support left me.  He changed my life for the better because he softened me.  It costs too much to care for someone and now my life is changing again.

I'm still really lonely.  I've always been lonely and I think that's why I need a companion.  I don't really need a lover because they just tend to piss me off.  Maybe I've never really loved anyone because I'm not good at compromise.  Moving brings up some memories that just make me realize that I never really belonged. 

I've always been different.  Not just from my religion or my gender or anything like that.  I always feel like I'm on the outside.  I have always had wild ideas and dressed the way that I've wanted to.  I guess I am a free spirit that way.  I may not be confident about the way I look, but my mind is pretty impressive and I don't care what anyone thinks about me.  At this point if I was what everyone thought I was, I would be a lesbian husband stealer.  I am neither of those things.  I happen to get along better with men because I have some more masculine qualities to me.

The bad thing about moving is packing up everything and realizing how much stuff you really have.  I'm pretty sure that I don't need all the things that I am taking.  I'm not even sure if I will have room to display all my things.  I have downsized a lot, but I don't think I will eve be able to get rid of everything. 

It's a new chapter of my life.  It's a bit bittersweet.  I don't feel connected to anything anymore.  Perhaps that is the source of my loneliness.   I'm moving forward, but that doesn't mean that it's easy or enjoyable.

The Gala

Saturday was a fantastic day. It was busy at work, but I had a benefit gala that night, which is something that I've been looking forward to for a few months.  I like getting dressed up, having a fancy dinner, dancing and auctions.  The best part was that it goes to a good cause.  Benefit galas don't happen often, but they are definitely fun when they happen.

There was some definite drama before hand because when I was getting ready, the dress that I was going to wear broke.  The strap broke and since it was a rhinestone strap, I couldn't just sew it together. So sad about my miracle black dress.  Luckily there was a dress in my closet that my mother bought in the 70's, which she never wore.  It was a little tight  and I'm overweight, but it was a quick fix.  I slightly overdid my make-up, but I liked my dress, which is white with a hand painted iris.  It is a Greek Goddess design.  The problem with my weight was that it snuck up on me.  I didn't notice until I went to the doctor.  Working on getting down, so I don't need to buy a new wardrobe.

I had fun when I got there.  Mostly because my mom gave me Bailey's to calm my nerves.  I wore a pair of silver stilettos, which were killing me by the end of cocktail hour.  The silent auction was open during the hour and I bid on a few things, but had a limit of $60.00.  I ended up getting a reed diffuser, which was gorgeous and will be going into my new apartment. 

Dinner was provided by Two Steps, which was delicious.  I loved the salmon and the salad.  The cut of beef was superb.  I also had a few glasses of wine.  Totally went off my diet, but that's ok.  For a gala it's ok because they do not happen often.  

I danced a bit, which was fun and exercise.  I am self conscious about my body since the gain.  I don't have a flat stomach and I have huge thighs.  I like my boobs because of my lingerie obsession.  I am going slowly with exercise because everytime I speed it up, my thyroid has issues.  The thing that made me a little sad was dancing with my dad.  It will be a long time before I dance with my dad again.  I must admit that I will miss him. 

I had a great time over the weekend with the gala.  It's the best I've felt in a very long time.  I know that I can get better, but not sure if I will be able to get off the anti-depressant anytime soon.  We'll see how things will go.

Give Me A Reason

Sometimes the hardest thing is finding a reason to keep going forward.  I still don't know how I'm still alive on sometimes.  I've had a million reasons to give up, but I just need one to keep going.  Sometimes I'm not sure what that reason is. 

I have the distant hope that maybe the people that I lost will find a way back to me.  I will not accept that anyone is lost forever.  Circumstances always change and I've learned to forgive a lot of things.  I will never forgive one person for abusing their power and acting unethically.  Ethics is always a difficult thing to convey and live up to, but somethings are unforgivable.  Totally destroying some one's life is not OK.  I will always forgive him because I forgave him all his faults long ago.  I miss him everyday and I don't think that will change.

My biggest problem is patience.  I've never really been good at waiting or patience in general.  I'm still learning because it is something that has to be learned.  It's a hard thing to learn because I think everyone is used to instant gratification.  Maybe that's why credit card debt is so high.

I just need a reason to keep going on.  Freddie and the Doctor keep me going, but I think a majority of the time it's a far flung hope that he doesn't hate me.  I'm going to try to do Pile of Good Things because mental illness is so stigmatized and discriminated against.  People with mental illness are still capable to have full lives, but we need some help maybe a bit more than the average person.

Just give me one reason to keep going.  Just one reason to not give up on you.