Three Years Later

My life changed three years ago today.  I refer to it as Doomsday.  I'm not going to talk about the event itself because part of it is still too painful to talk about.  I still haven't given the full details to my companion.  The consequences of the event were a loss of 2 years due to depression and several friends.  I do not want to dwell on the bad, I want to focus on what I've accomplished.  I am definitely a survivor and plan to make my story matter.

In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health.  I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter.  At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom).  I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself.  I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy.  His name is Brian and he's my companion.  He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past.  Brian is smart, snarky and sexy.  The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me.  I'm playful with him.  He makes me kinder.

There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things.  We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday.  I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder.  I know that he's never coming back.  That's his loss because I am fantastic.  I am doing fairly well at my job.  I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards.  I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.

As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant.  I'm starting that today.  It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate.  Next step is fix my hormones and weight.

Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother.  I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded.  My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more.  I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.

As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good.  I hope that it will stay this way for a while.

First Snow, First Frustration

We had the first snow storm of the winter.  It wasn't too terrible as I was at work.  I was able to get some projects worked on as many people stayed home.  Driving home from work was not fun at all.  However, I survived it by staying calm and driving slow to keep myself safe.  The Downside of a snow storm, which causes cancellations is that I have too much time to think.

While I get stronger everyday emotionally from my trauma, I still have some minor setbacks and symptoms.  I am still insecure about relationships.  Aside from my family who is stuck with me, I know that any type of relationship can end in an instant.  Sometimes I don't understand why people are distant.  Logically, I understand that people are busy with work/school and other obligations.  Emotionally, I think, the depression makes me believe that I am being ignored and that I'm unwanted.

I do need the communication.  The logical and emotional parts of my brain, my soul are not jiving.  What I know and what I feel are still two different things.  I like that guy that I'm seeing now.  He is kind, nerdy and weird.  I do like him a lot. Part of it is still me and Rose.  I'm unsure of my companion because we are still learning about each other.  At this stage, I need reassurance.  I need to know that someone is in it with me. 

I miss my friends.  A lot of them are getting engaged, married, buying houses and having families.  I think I might be the only one who thinks that friendship is still important.  I don't see my friends as much as I would like to.  Part of that is scheduling and part of that is me being a bit distant.  This goal is going to be the hardest goal to achieve.

On a side note, my brother is getting married.  I have been thinking about what I would do for my own wedding.  I know that a song I would choose for either the father-daughter dance or the bride and groom's first dance would be, "As the World Falls Down" by David Bowie.  Probably due to the lyrics and the fact that it takes place in the ballroom masque dream in Labyrinth.  I miss David Bowie.

A Little Less Magic

This past week has been a bit rough because two of my childhood loves have died: Alan Rickman and David Bowie.  With their passings, a little bit of magic has gone out of the world.  Art and artists are what makes life more amazing.  They teach us more about ourselves and help us to appreciate the universe.

I always adored Alan Rickman.  I was aware of him a long time before he was Snape in Harry Potter.  I would watch Sense and Sensibility because I fell in love with him as Colonel Brandon.  An older gentleman, who is cultured, devoted and refined is never a bad thing.  He might also be a reason why I generally prefer older men.  I also greatly enjoyed Rickman as Alexander Dane in Galaxy Quest, which is a Star Trek spoof.  He was charmingly English and quite witty.  I will greatly miss seeing him in future films.

As for David Bowie, I always saw him as Jareth from Labyrinth.  He seemed otherworldly and ethereal in that film.  Bowie was always ethereal, but the movie nailed what he embodied.  I know from watching that movie that I would have chosen Jareth over a baby brother any day.  Then again, I'm a terrible person.  I had a great respect for all of Bowie's incarnations and songs.  His music always makes me happy because it's weird and I'm weird.  An artist was lost whom I had a great respect for.

I am truly heartbroken at their loss, but we've only lost their bodies.  We haven't lost the art that they have given the world.  As long as we remember them and what they did, they live on.  They deserve to live on.

Letting Go

It's a new year.  This will be three years since Doomsday and I'm letting him go.  It makes me sad because if something can be remembered it can come back, but humans are stubborn creatures.  It might be a sign of strength, but truth is that I still miss him.  I miss all the people that were the casualties of that event.  Life eventually gets filled with different people and activities, but you also realize that you can't be the person you were before.

GWEN STEFANI

Used To Love You Lyrics

Yeah, boy
Never thought this would happen
I let it sink in, you're gone
I don't know, know what I'm feeling
I must be dreaming, you're gone

Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most

I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you

Are you gone?
There were no boundaries
What, you just pushed me too far
I guess nobody taught you
Nobody taught you how to love

Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most

I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you

You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me more, oh
You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
Now look at what you lost, oh

I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you

I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't

Lyrics taken from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/gwen-stefani-lyrics/used-to-love-you-lyrics.html" rel="nofollow">this page</a>

There is No Reason

I've been dealing with depression in some way since I was about 12 years old.  Not sure if it was puberty that started it or low thyroid, either way, it doesn't matter.  Depression doesn't need a reason to exist.  It exists like cancer exists...because it does.  I've worked really hard to become some form of stable, but the depression doesn't really go away.

I know that there is beauty in the world and in life, but sometimes I just don't care.  Depression is very self centered and it lies.  I sometimes think that if I was 50 pounds lighter I'd be happy.  I was 50 pounds lighter in the past 18 years and that didn't make me any happier.  While being thinner will not make me happy, it would improve my overall health. 

I know the world can be a very ugly place.  There are whole groups of people that hate each other for a reason no one really remembers.  There are people getting murdered for no other reason than that they can be.  My depression makes me not care about the world, it makes me just want to sit and stare or sleep.  It takes all the good and enjoyable things and turns them hollow. Cooking, eating, sex, baths, reading, etc, whatever it is just doesn't hold any interest.   This is something that takes great effort to fight.

I have good days and bad days.  Something can trigger my depression to go from almost non existent to full blown.  Usually it has to do with losing friends or potential relationships.  Part of that is because I haven't gotten over Rose.  When it's too much, I write to him.  It's a letter he will never read, but it makes me feel better. 

What set me off this time was that I was seeing a guy, who I really liked, I thought everything was going well and we were on the same page.  Suddenly he decided that he only wanted friends.  I have friends and I think it's harder to be my friend.  I expect a lot of my friends.  They are the ones that deal directly with my bad days.  This guy believes that he can't fall in love.  I didn't think I could I was 25, then I met Rose.  I think he's going through a lot at the moment and I should be more understanding, but the truth is that I'm devastated.  It seemed like we were making plans, but then I'm back to being someone that is not a priority.  I had such hopes.  I felt like pre-trauma me where I could be playful and loving.  Maybe that part of me can come back, but I need someone to draw it out of me.  I'm not like that with most people.

For now, it's back to being the loneliest person in the universe.  I have to get my finances back in order, start making more money and maybe gaining my health back.  Depression will be there, but I just have to get back on track.  Maybe no dating or looking for anyone for a while.

When It's Still There

Slowly life moves on, but the emotional state is more difficult to change.  Sometimes an off hand comment or a confession can bring back the trauma.  I had that happen, which made me realize that I'm still in the middle of trauma recovery.

I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult.  I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children.  While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with.  The person I've been seeing is 25.  What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone.  I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose. 

I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose.  I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision.  I would probably have done the same thing.  Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me.  I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose.  After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive.  I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me. 

I went right back to the day Rose left.  I cried for hours and rarely ate anything.  I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying.  I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad.  Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person.  It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.

Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair.  We got way too close way too fast.  I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships.  At least that's what I'm told.    I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love.  I know that love is deeper and more meaningful.  I don't think I can feel that after a few dates.  Maybe I can slow down and try again.  I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.

For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.

I'm Doing Everything Wrong

Well not everything, but I'm not following my wellness plan as well as I should be.  I'm on track with cooking, taking my meds and going to therapy, but that's it.  I'm not reading as much or seeing friends or doing enjoyable activities like coloring or drawing.  I'm also not eating too well or exercising.

My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours.  Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row.  I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours.  Nice on my checking account, but not on my body.  Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy.  We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper.  While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds.  I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself.  Also my knees would thank me. 

I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends.  I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules.  As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules.  It is possible to do.  Even a cup of coffee counts.  It's 30 minutes.  I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew. 

My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit.  I met someone nice, who I really like.  Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues.  He's someone that I could have a future with.  Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose.  I miss the intensity and the openness.  Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone.  He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone.  I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.

The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened.  It's slow and quick all at once.  I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance.  I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this.  I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.