Sitting Alone

I don't mind sitting alone sometimes.  I go to services and sit by myself since my family has moved to Israel.  Sometimes it's more peaceful that way.  I eat alone at restaurants sometimes as well.  I don't always have someone to go with and that's fine.  Tonight though I was peaceful and yet a little sad.

My Rabbi, Solomon Acrish, who has been my rabbi for my entire life, passed away from cancer in May.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem like he's really gone until you get reminded of it.  I was at services tonight because I was one of the hostesses for the oneg (after service goodies).  After all the events of these past weeks with police brutality and the sniper attack in Dallas, etc., I was thinking about the sermon that my rabbi might have given. 

Rabbi had given many sermons over the years.  No, I don't remember all of them and I probably fell asleep during a few as I was a child, but I remember the way he said them.  He had so much passion.  Rabbi Acrish was an assistant rabbi in Alabama during the civil rights movement and he is mentioned by name in archives.  The synagogue he served at did receive bomb threats during that time.  I was wondering what his take on all this would have been.  I'm sure he would have been upset with the loss of life, but he would have delivered a powerful message as he usually did.  I'm sure it would be along the lines that life matters.  Before people jump on that, Rabbi Acrish was born in Morocco and had a unique view on the world.

At the end of the service we say a prayer for those who have passed.  When Rabbi's name was read I teared up because I miss him.  There are people that I will always miss.  Rabbi Acrish will always be one of them.  I miss the way he always said my name.  I know that I'm weird and I wasn't as close to him as some of his "children" were, but he mattered.  I think he was always happy to see me.

Things are going to be different at my temple now.  We lost our spiritual leader of 50 years.  It's never going to be the same.  I am volunteering more at the temple because it's my home.  I am not particularly religious, but I go there for the social aspect and to feel comfortable. 

At the end of the day I don't mind sitting alone because I'm not really alone.  I have memories and a great imagination.  I might miss the people that are gone, but I have mental conversations with them and that's good enough for me.

Triggered

I have wanted to cut on and off all day today.  A lot of it is stress because of money, but part of it is this feeling of failure that I have.  One of the pharmacists just got engaged and is looking to get a house.  She has a higher amount of student loan debt, but makes the salary to support that.  I work so hard and make above minimum wage, but it's not enough to support myself and pay off debt.  I don't think I'll ever own a home or get married.  It makes me feel like I have failed at some point in my life.

I read an article about a woman on welfare.  She makes slightly less than I do a month and doesn't work and pays about $50 for rent on subsidized housing.  It makes me angry because I work so hard and have 2 jobs.  All my money goes to bills.  I rarely go out and I feel very isolated because of it.  I haven't been grocery shopping in months because I can't afford groceries.  My parents left me food, which I am grateful for because I'm using up what's in the freezer first.  I look in my fridge and see almost nothing.  It upsets me because I know that this is not a healthy way to live.  I will not be able to lose weight if everything I eat is high in salt, sugar and preservatives.  Then I weigh myself and feel worse about myself.

As for a career, I don't know what I want to do.  I like what I do as a pharmacy technician, but I can barely pay the bills.  I'm working a shift in another store, which I don't really want to do, but I'm not in a position to turn down shifts because a lot of my bill payments will be late this month.  It's upsetting that I'm 30 and feel like I'm financially a failure.  I have 2 degrees and have nothing to show for it. 

I have a very kind companion, but I don't think it will lead to anything permanent.  I don't feel like I'm a catch.  I'm smart and am a decent cook, but that's pretty much it.  Due to the stress of my monetary situation, I am not a nice person.  I resent my customer base because they pretty much have money.  My coworkers think I'm moody, but because I don't talk about my personal life, they don't know that half the time I feel that cutting would be a better way to deal with all this stress.  Compound this will all the feelings that was brought about by the abuse from evil bank that I'm still not over.  There are days that are terrible.  I cry once a week because it doesn't look like things will ever get easier.

There are days that I'm embarrassed to go to work.  We have meetings at work where we get left over food.  I take a lot of food home because there are days when I don't know what I'm going to eat because it will probably be out of a can.  I am also embarrassed that I have to apply for reduced membership at my synagogue because I can't afford the initiation fees.

I do the best I can, but right now I just feel hopeless with my situation, which is triggering me to self-harm.

Shark Week

I've loved sharks since I was a little girl.  I think I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery since it came out.  I remember my mom getting me Jacques Cousteau documentaries on sharks.  I believe sharks are beautiful creatures that deserve respect and probably a healthy amount of fear.

Most sharks do investigatory bites, which is what most shark attacks on humans are.  The problem is that they have sharp teeth, which causes the major damage.  If you get bitten a a tiny horn shark it won't cause as much damage as say a Great White or a Bull shark because of their sheer size and aggressiveness.  If you've been in the ocean you have probably been in close proximity to a shark and might not have realized it.  You are going into their home and have to understand that the are out there.

The shows so far this year have been pretty great.  Air Jaws is always a favorite of mine.  It's just impressive to see an animal that weighs a ton launch itself out of the water.  While Great Whites are impressive, I like the smaller sharks like blues, makos and nurse sharks.  I'm glad that Discovery decided to branch out and show some of these sharks.  The program on the oceanic white tip, which is the shark behind the USS Indianapolis attack, was really interesting. While this species of shark is aggressive, they are nowhere near as aggressive as bull sharks.  Bull sharks are extremely deadly for the reason that they have the highest level of testosterone of any animal on the plant.  Basically they are terrible motherfuckers.   I'm looking forward to the rest of the programming this week.

I think one of my goals is to volunteer at an aquarium and educate people about sharks.  I love these animals and I want other people to love them too.  I spend most of my time at aquariums at the shark tanks.  My companion took me to the local one and was nowhere near as excited as I was about petting the sharks.  The nurse sharks are pretty docile and that's why they do well in the touch pools.  If they don't want to be touched, they know where to go.

I hope to see some more of them up close one day.  I would love to see a whale shark.  I don't think I would be happy to swim with a great white.  Since I love the ocean, I respect and love sharks.  They deserve protection because humans kill about 1 million sharks a year while sharks on average kill 5 humans a year.  Many sharks are vulnerable or endangered.  I think I would like to adopt a shark one day too.

Now, I'm going to go cuddle with one of my shark stuffed animals and go to sleep.

Passion

I'm trying to discover what I'm passionate about.  I know that cooking is definitely one of them.  I have cookbooks and recipes that I want to try to make.  I'm planning on making my companion a coffee cake.  I might to a practice one next week.  However, the monetary situation is causing a huge strain on discovering things that I like to do.

I am starting to hike again.  It's kind of difficult on an easy hike because I'm hugely overweight and out of shape.  I do enjoy the scenery and seeing the wildlife again.  I used to enjoy hiking with my dad.  I was also a lot thinner then too.  I have not found an exercise regimen that I enjoy.  I like yoga, but I'm not overly into it.  I do it occasionally to get my back stretched out.

I do enjoy scents and baths, but it's not my passion.  If it was, then maybe I would get into making my own.  Perfumers make a lot of money because they mix scents to create new ones and then sell them to big companies.  My favorite scent is violet and I adore violet flowers.

As for a career, I don't know what I'd enjoy.  I like what I do now, but I dislike the patients.  Maybe it's the town I work in or maybe people are just crappy in general.  I don't really know.  I do know that at the moment, I am not making enough to survive, especially in the summer.  The good thing is that my debt is starting to go down.  It's stressful that I sometimes can't make payments.  I sometimes live off my credit cards, which adds to my debt.  I know I can't do full time teaching because you can't really have a bad day when dealing with children.

I do want to draw and make costumes again.  Maybe find a hobby that I can turn into some extra money.  I'm working on trying to get rid of things in a tag sale.  I really do need to downsize. 

Sorry for the boring post.  I feel boring.

No More Drama

There are things that still make me very sad.  One of them is the assumption that I have the same relationship with my parents that my brother has.  I do not in the slightest.  I might not have gotten along with my mother as a teenager, but I do now.  I don't think any teenage girl really gets along with their mom.  There are books written about it.  If you did get along with your mother from age 12-22, then you might be an anomaly. 

My brother got married this past weekend and while I am happy for him and like my sister in law, this wedding had more drama than I would have liked.  I also felt like I was an outsider.  I'm not as close with my brother as I would like because we are quite different.  The thing that really upset me was that it seemed that my mother was treated as a problem.  My brother doesn't know how to deal with my mom because she is hyper and needs to know everything.  It can be frustrating, but that is who she is.

At the rehearsal dinner there is a tradition that candy is thrown at the bride and groom for a sweet life and sing some songs.  My mother wanted to celebrate this tradition so I made sure that gummy candy was bought, which was soft.  I don't have a lot of extra money to spend, so getting this candy was not entirely in my budget.  There could have been a compromise of throwing the candy in the air.  Instead, the best man took the candy and hid it, so the tradition was not done.  I mean there were 70 people at this dinner and probably only 50 pieces of candy.  I did not know that the best man was intentionally told to take the candy till after the wedding. 

On the day of the wedding, the hair and make up for my mother was done in our hotel room instead of the bridal suite.  That's fine as it was not a major thing.  My mom had family that could occupy the rest of the time.  However, at the rehearsal dinner there were some major cock ups done by the restaurant, so my mom was trying to fix them. When my mom came to the sweet to let the mother of the bride know so she could get the refund or discount, my mom was barred from entering the room by another bridesmaid.  This clearly upset my mother.  After I had finished with my hair and make-up, I left the suite and never went back because I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the day.  It was about my brother and his fiance, now wife, not the petty drama.

The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception was fun.  There were 2 things that made me sad during the reception.  The first was the band playing, "I Will Always Love You" because it reminded me of Rose (the song lyrics are actually quite sad as it's about not being with someone you love because you aren't good for them).  The second was seeing my mom looking so sad.  She was being cordial and nice all weekend.  She went along with the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner even though there were others that would have been nicer in my opinion.  She felt rejected and that made me sad.

It is said that weddings are for the bride and her family.  I'm not sure if that's an American thing or if I have a different view.  I would like to plan things with my intended together.  It's a day for family and celebration.  While this was the happiest day for my brother and his wife, it looked to be the saddest day for my mother.  She could not get home fast enough.

I know when I got home all I wanted to do was see my guy, but I don't know when that will be.  I don't know if I will ever have a wedding.  I'm not mad at my brother or my sister in law.  I just wish things turned out differently.  I know that these events even upset my dad.  It takes a lot to upset him.  I'm glad to be back home where I can sleep.  I don't mean any offense by any of this.  It's just that some drama makes me sad.

Failure

I'm not sure if I've failed or not.  I mean I have a job and a place to live.  I have food to eat (for now) and I supposedly have friends.  However, I struggle a lot more than I probably should.  I cry most of the time when I'm paying bills.  I have cut expenses where I can, but I still don't have enough to live comfortably.  This is part of the reason that I have no social life.

I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference.  Mental illnesses are still stigmatized.  Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable.  I still have massive amounts of debt.  I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.

My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees.  I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low.  I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable.  A problem with that is debt.  Brian did school part time and worked.  His debt will be a fraction of what mine is. 

I still don't feel really close to anyone.  I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me.  Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time.  I also don't really have money to have an active social life.  Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.

A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids.  I have no interest in buying a house.  Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be.  I think maybe I would like to be married.  I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of.  I don't know if I'll find that though.

There are days when I miss Rose.  He liked the real me.  I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made.  I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side. 

There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful.  I don't feel very passionate about anything.  It's still about surviving and I want something more. 

Debt

The worst part about debt is not having a social life.  I don't really have money to go out and do things that involve others.  I can't afford to go to the movies anymore really unless it's the discount theater.  I can't really afford to go out to eat or get coffee.  I have food, but a lot of it is canned or dried so that I can use it for when I don't have money (usually the summer). 

I'm trying to pay things off.  I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect.  It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money.  I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month.  I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.

Overcoming a trauma is never easy.  Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years.  I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy.  I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight.  I don't like my body.  I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah.  I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy.  As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.  I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married.  I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America.  I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful.  I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate. 

A lot of people tell me to be more positive.  I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy.  I'm tired of having less than nothing.  All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn.  Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left. 

While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me.  I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma.  My life kind of stopped for 2 years.  I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person.  Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic.  If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen.  It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose.  I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything.  I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.

Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness.  Mostly because they can.  Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy.  I'm not any of those things really.  My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding.  He hasn't had to be on his own yet.  He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it.  I wish I didn't have to care about money.

Sometimes you just need support.  I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me.  Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.