4 Years On

It's coming onto the 4th anniversary of Doomsday.  The day that ended my old life.  A lot has happened over the last 4 years and would like to go over all the improvements that have happened, as well as some of the things I need to improve on.

It's said that it takes 4 years to get over trauma and there are feelings associated.  The first year is about getting back to functional.  I don't remember much about that first year because it was just hazy days of gray.  I remember the 2 worst days and the day of the incident.  None of which, I wish, to rehash.  The second year is dealing with anger because there is a lot of blame and self blame.  I know that what happened was not my fault. The anger was the reason I lost my old crappy job, which was for the best.  The third year, you're mostly sad.  For me, the sadness would go away and come back.  I think the major source of the sadness dissipating is that I found a really wonderful partner.  Year 4 is about feeling better and starting to move on, which is the stage I'm at.  Year 5 is pretty much recovery.

I have been off the anti-depressants for a year.  I feel mostly stable off them.  My major triggers now are my job, since I'm overqualified and underpaid and my financial situation for the above listed reason.  As I was recovering, I was focusing more on that instead of my career that I got two degrees for.  I am now slowly working towards a career instead of going from underpaying job to underpaying job.  With that goal in mind, I can start chipping away at the debt mountain that happened because of the trauma care (it's at least $1000 on one credit card).  Sometimes I miss Rose, but it is only occasionally.

I still have things to work on.  I am still working on getting my weight down  (7lbs down in 9 months) to a happy level, which for me would be 175lbs.  While I am changing my diet, I also need to exercise and stretch more.  Since I keep re-injuring my ankle, I think I am stuck with light exercises like walking or swimming.  I would like to be a size 12.  I'd still be curvy, but not as jiggly.  I gained a lot of weight because of the trauma.  Barely being able to move will add to the waistline. 

I am quite happy with the fact that I am becoming more social and getting involved with the communities that I belong to.  I hope to be able to see my friends more an accomplish more of my goals.  I will be going to Israel this year and taking a balloon ride. I'm hoping to pay off 1 credit card this year.  I am making plans for the future with my partner.  We don't have a conventional relationship, but I'm not a conventional person.  We support each other and make each other happy.

This year seems to be full of potential changes.  Things are looking up and for the better.  I'm actually looking forward to the future.

Body Positive.

Yesterday, I did something that I never thought I would do.  However, my goal this year is to be healthier and more body positive.  So, In addition to stop drinking soda (day 15 without and counting), I worked as a nude art model for a drawing class.  It was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

It wasn't exactly like the picture, but it was in the same vein.  I got there early since it was my first time posing and wanted some direction.  I had my boyfriend come to because I took half an Ativan due to anxiety.  I'm not thin or beautiful.  I am curvy, have spider veins due to injury and have cellulite.  However figure drawing is not about drawing straight lines.  I did three 30 second action poses.  Those were easy as were the 1 minute poses.  The 5 minute was challenging as was the 10 minute pose.  The 20 minute pose was difficult.  I had to break the pose on my upper body because it was so hard to stay still with my arms raised at an angle.  The comfort that I had was that my boyfriend stayed and was allowed to draw as he knows the instructor, hence how I heard of the job in the first place.  His first drawing was a stick figure with boobs.

My last pose was of me lying down in a classic art pose.  It was about an hour and the final drawings were amazing.  The students ranged in age from 18-65.  There were a few professional artists that were doing skills refreshers.   The students were quite impressive and some of the drawings will be going into their portfolios for college credit. 

As for me, I'm still feeling giddy and confident about my body.  It was a full body work out doing 2 hours of posing staying absolutely still.  I received good feedback from both the instructors and the artists. The artists didn't know that this was my first time posing.  I was trying to be as calm and serene as possible.  My boyfriend even gave me his last drawing. 

It was a great experience and would do it again in an instant.

Drawing by Brian O'Connor.  Used with permission.

2017 Goals or Being Brave

2016 had a lot of ups and downs for me and for everyone.  Still not over the fact that 3 of my favorite artists are now gone.  As Captain Jack Sparrow said, "The World's the same.  There's just less in it."  We had a terrible election in this country that was just full of terrible choices.  Yet, I now have a great boyfriend and a place to live and keep exploring cooking.  The downside is that I'm drowning in debt and need to continue recovering from trauma.

I hope in 2017 to be brave.  I want to reduce my debt load as much as possible, so it will be even more of not going out or buying clothes or shoes unless absolutely necessary. I will also stop bringing my wallet into work and carrying credit cards.  I also want to see my friends more and possibly make new ones.  I know that this might require money, but it's not necessarily true.  I mean I have movies and can make popcorn.  I also want to have a tea party again, but that takes some planning.  My friend gave me a coupon book, so that could help me tremendously.

I would also like to be more comfortable with myself.  My job makes me feel like crap because it's very stressful and it really shouldn't be.  I am taking a real vacation for the first time in 4 years.  I am going to visit my parents in Israel, which is costing me very little.  I think while I am there, I will have time to make a plan and decide what I really want.

I will be cutting out soda as of January 1.  I will try my best to eat healthy even though I won't be able to get as many fresh ingredients as I would like. Hopefully, my friend will visit for a cooking weekend this year.  This might get me better at planning meals and being able to make my own bagels.  I don't want to use the things in my pantry or my gift cards just yet because that would mean that I have failed as an adult.  I am not great at asking for help.

I also want to be happy with my body.  I am 50lbs over what my goal weight is.  Even with the weight loss, I'll still be curvy, but not as big.  I should also be able to do the physical activities I like with greater ease.  I also contacted an art professor at the local college to be a model for one of their drawing classes.  Part of that is to be around people who have artistic talent and partly to be more comfortable with my body.  I also think having a contact in the college, might help me get a job there eventually. 

I would also like to be able to be me.  The real not depressed me.  I know the depression will be there lurking even in remission.  I just want to be better at ignoring it.  Better at dealing with it.  I just want to be better in 2017.

She Was My Friend

 I haven't written in a while.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I lost track of time due to struggle.  I've been working far too much, struggling with finances and then I found out a friend of mine had passed away.  I hadn't spoken to her in years because we took different paths, but she was a friend.  Her passing has troubled me since I had found out the details.

Like me, she was different.  I think that's how we became friends in the first place.  We never quite fit into the drum corps that we both belonged to.  She would end up not rejoining, while I did it all through high school.  To me, she seemed so strong, so outgoing, and open.  I was not really any of those things growing up.  I was always a bit shy and would never be described as bubbly.  As we got older we were in the same friend group even if we weren't close.  She was there.

She went into the army and had two kids.  I went to college and traveled Europe. The one thing that we had in common was that we struggled.  I have had depression on and off since high school.  These depression spells have made a lot of my memories fuzzy.  There were times when she couldn't get out of bed.  I had no idea that any of this was going on and yet, I was caught up in my own whirlwind of darkness to notice much else.  I apologize to my friends and family for that.

My friend took her own life according to the coroner, but there were some oddities around it, which I will not go into.  Part of me is in shock because I always thought she was so tough and strong.  Yet the damaged part of me knows the lies that depression can tell.  It's easy to believe those lies especially with the odd circumstances.  The fact that she is no longer here, physically hurts me in a way that I cannot describe and for reasons I don't fully understand.

My high school friend group had a memorial for her this past weekend.  It was sad and it was beautiful.  We had all the pictures from high school up.  She was so loved, by so many.  We had some crazy stories and it was good to see my old friends, yet it was sad that we had to get back together under those circumstances.  We all went on with our lives that I feel almost like an outsider.  The most beautiful thing was that her sisters brought a mini urn encased in a pewter rose so that our friend could be with us as we remembered her.

Even now, I'm struggling with myself and the fact that I know that darkness and despair.  I sometimes feel like an outsider even among my friends.  I feel alone.  I wish I was able to see my friends more, but with a retail schedule, a boyfriend, and friends with kids etc, it gets a bit difficult to spend time with the people I care about.

As for my friend being gone, my new rabbi shared a story about loss during one of her sermons.  It wasn't a story of hers, but it was of a man who was recounting his first encounter with death (a pet canary) and the information operator he would speak to as a child.  The operator told the child, after he asked why did his pet have to die, that there were other worlds to sing in.  Now that my friend is gone, I take comfort that she is singing in another world.  There are always other worlds to sing in.

It Could Have Been Me

I found out that I man I graduated high school with had passed away.  It's sad, but what makes it worse is that he took his own life.  I hadn't spoken to this man in over 10 years, but he lived a few streets and when we were little we would ride bikes together.  Biking is something that he apparently loved.  It's very sad that his life is over.

I know how he felt because I've been there.  It could have been me.  I've been through very dark times because of depression.  When suicidal thoughts creep in, there is no logic to them.  Mental illness lies to you and makes you believe that everyone in your life, everyone who matters to you, will be better off without you.  The world is better off without you.  While in that lie because it's so powerful, it's hard to see the truth. 

Statistically, women attempt suicide more than men, but men are more successful because they use more aggressive means (guns, knives, etc.).  The end result is the same...desperate sadness for everyone involved.  While there is life there is hope, yet most depression is marked by hopelessness.  I lucked out because I have friends who understand that what I'm saying is my illness, not me.  A lot of them point me to people or things that can help.  There are resources that are there.  However, if someone doesn't reach out for those resources, they cannot work.

Suicide is 100% preventable.  The one thing I have learned is that change is the only constant thing in life.  If you can come out of the darkness, there is life that can be good.  It's hard to see that in the darkness.  Those of us who live with a mental illness, do need others to recognize the signs.  One major sign is withdrawal.  If you haven't heard from someone in a few months, reach out.  Call rather than text or e-mail.  A human voice can make all the difference in the world.

I don't want to make this young man's death about me.  I wanted to say that I understand and I'm sorry that he couldn't make it.  It's no one's fault.  I am writing an article on how to support a friend with depression, but it's a slow going process.  I can't say that I am an expert in supporting people, but it's the little things that can help.  On my worst days, I wish I wasn't here.  So yes, this could have been me, but it's not.  The worst part of suicide aside from the inevitable question of why, is the loss of what could have been.

If you or someone you know is struggling call the Suicide Prevention Hotline or the police.  It doesn't have to end.  There is treatment.  There is help.  There is hope.

Love

Love is a concept that I have always struggled with.  I'm exploring relationships (finally) and the concept of love is no less confusing for me.  I find love is an open concept, but that is not what I observe in others.

I have observed that people on say "I love you" if it's a significant other or a family member.  I have always found that there are so many different kinds of love, not just romantic love

.  I say "I love you" to my best friend and I feel things for my companion, but I wouldn't characterize it as being in love.  I do care for him deeply, which might be a form of love.  However, with my male friends, I can't say I love them because they have girlfriends and they only say the word love to them.

I'm not sure how to fix that.  Maybe it's a cultural thing or perhaps it's a comfort level because relationships have different degrees of closeness.  However, love is, to me, one of the foundations of healthy relationships, doesn't matter what title you give it.  I want to be able to tell the people that I love, that I love them and not feel like I'll be rebuffed for using that word.

We all know the feelings we have towards and for others.  I wish that we could actually express them and not be judged for them.  Perhaps that will happen one day.

15 Years Later

It's been 15 years and I still can't believe that the terror attacks in New York and Washington are a reality.  I still live in Connecticut in a heavy commuter area to the city.  Yet, I remember my story on 9/11 quite clearly.

I was a junior in High School and sitting in English class when the first plane hit the World Trade Center.  A girl named, Lauren Penner, walked into class late and said a plane had hit one of the towers.  We all thought it was an accident, which seemed weird because it was a bright blue, warm, sunny day.  I remember feeling that the world felt off in a huge way.  I have ESP and felt something was very wrong even before Lauren came in, but I was 15 years old, so what did I know?  It wasn't until later in that same class that the principal came on the loud speaker announcing that there was a terrorist attack.  The principal stated that we should continue classes as normal and for teachers to not turn on the TVs or radios.  I believe he made this decision because many students had parents who worked in the city or the towers themselves.  Needless to say teachers did not follow that direction and classes did not continue as normal.  We went to class, but did not do lessons that day.  Students were getting called down to the office after every period with instructions on what to do after school or getting picked up.  I was told to go to a family friend's house as all after school activities were cancelled.

I honestly didn't know the towers were gone till 3pm when I saw it on TV.  After the initial announcement I was in a haze the rest of the day at school.  It was a blur of tears, anger and shock.  My parents worked locally, so they were safe.  I personally did not lose anyone that day.  However, 2,977 people lost their lives.  I would go into New York every so often with my family and can't remember if we were there in August of 2000 or 2001 to meet my mother's English cousin for the first time, but I remember the towers being there.  Now , they're gone.

Two months later, I wanted to see the Rocky Horror Show Live on Broadway, so my dad bought us two tickets.  It was on Black Friday, one of the busiest days in the city.  My dad wanted to see the wreckage since the show was at 2.  My dad had to see it. 

After we got off the subway, we walked to the site.  A lot was still blocked off, but what I remember most is the smell.  It smelt like burnt death.  I saw the partially gone Marriott Hotel and the waffle pattern steal.  I felt so overwhelmed because I closed my eyes and the towers were still there, but when I opened them it was a war zone.  What got to me most was that I turned away from site to see a McDonald's express, where the windows were smashed and debris was littered inside.  It was unbearable.  There are too many ghosts.

Last time I was in that area of NYC, the 9/11 memorial was open to visitors.  I didn't go.  I felt too sad being there.  Part of me wants to visit the memorial because I went to the Pentagon memorial, which was beautiful.  However, there are too many ghosts in that area.  Some spirits, like those in grief, just can't move on.  Maybe one day I'll try to go there, but like Auschwitz, it may be a place that I just can't go to.

Now, 15 years later, the day started out cloudy with a bit of rain, but later turned into a beautiful, partly cloudy day.  I teach 9/11 to my 5th grade students.  They know about the Towers, but I chose to tell them about flight 93.  Those people did something to stop their plane.  They saved lives even though they lost theirs to do it.  I tell the students about Ben Sliney, whose first day as operations manager of the FAA was 9/11 and how he made the decision to ground all planes and lose billions of dollars instead of risk more death.  15 years happened in a blink of an eye, yet live has moved on as it must. 

Terror attacks still go on throughout the world.  While many are from ISIS not Al Queida.  I am always aware of my surroundings and know where the exits are.  I know that no one is ever truly safe and tomorrow is promised to no one.  I remember those that senselessly died in a tragedy.  I am thankful that I have people that I care about in my life.  I get to keep them for now.  I will always remember what happened and how it changed the world.