They say

No one knows quite who "they" are.  "They" could be experts, people or oral tradition, but it seems that everything takes 3 to 6 weeks.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks for medicines to full take effect.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks to stop feeling the anguish of loss.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks to clean the junk out of your house.  Everything is 3 to 6 weeks and yet with some things it seems longer.

It's been a week since he's disappeared.  Just a week and yet I feel like the days just blurred together.  It could have been a day or it could have been a century because all I feel is the emptiness, the loss and most importantly, the loneliness. 

Loneliness has always been a major trigger for me.  I've always been different and that made me insecure as I never had many close friends till high school.  He and I talked everyday since we became friends because he is different too.  Now that he's gone, the loneliness is back because we would message all day everyday so for 9 months I wasn't lonely.  However, that couldn't stop the demons from creeping in.

I am highly intelligent and because I'm so smart, I think that I should be able to solve my own issues and not need anyone else because there is an ideal that strength means that one doesn't need anyone else.  Humans are social creatures and strength means allowing people in and relying on them.  We have all these advances in technology to stay connected, but we rarely make connections.  I connected with him and now he's the stranger that knows all my vulnerabilities because I no longer have secrets.

I don't know if I can do another 2 to 5 weeks of this anguish, this unbearable loneliness.  I am still doing my wellness plan to try to fill the holes that him not being there has left.  I felt that he actually cared for me, that he actually liked me.  Now that that is gone, what do I have?

I have the loneliness that I had before.  So, whoever "they" are have never really felt pain like this.  I have to learn how to deal with the loneliness so that it doesn't consume me.  Right now though, it's winning.  I can't move on with my life in terms of setting goals until I get better and it feels stagnant.  I feel like a month has gone by and it's only been a week.  A week of loneliness.  A week of no longer having a connection.  A week of feeling like my heart is being squeezed. 

They say that things will get better.  What they don't say is how long it will take.

What to do?

I have made it to day 60.  60 days clean from cutting is something that I should be proud of.  I am still feeling blah unfortunately.  Not an unmanageable blah, but just getting to the point where I'm happy.  I don't know if it's my addict mentality that wants to rush things, but I want to be happy again.  I don't want to doubt myself anymore.

I am hoping that when I get the Deplin and can break down Folic acid, I will feel better to the point where I'm good.  I'm just stable/ ok.  I should be feeling fantastic, but the endorphins from the cutting replaced the other neurotransmitters that were lacking.  Now it's just stabilization.  I don't want to live my life just being stable.  I want to feel joy again.

I hope that there will be a day where I won't miss what was lost, but look toward the future.  I know I'm in a period of mourning, but I am doing my best to carry on.  I wish that someone would comment sometimes because I would feel less alone in the world.

I want to be this girl again:

Quoth the philosopher Jagger

"You can't always get what you want."   That was the words that House lived by and it is true.  We don't always get what we want and that hurts a lot.  Though we might get what we need.  I want him back and I want to heal, but I need to do it for me, not for my parents, not my friends, but for me. 

I know that abandonment is difficult.  I am trying not to personalize it as he deleted everyone at work, but instead of thinking logically and sanely, he chose isolationism.  I know that I added to it because when I'm sick I'm careless and reckless.  At least he told me he was, but it's still a blow and one that has it's ups and downs.  I'm on a down right now because the week has escaped me and I'm exhausted all the time.  He is just a stranger who knows all my secrets.

I don't really have any secrets anymore as I write on here and I had to disclose my madness in order to get a break in the morning and for people at work to know that I'm not moody, it's my body and brain not working properly.  Depression has robbed me of so much and it could no longer be kept a secret. So now, my office and HR know.

I also want to go back to my normal intelligent self, but I feel so foggy and can't concentrate on anything. I took a 3 hour nape because I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I feel overwhelmed with my parents getting the house in order to try and sell it.  I felt so overwhelmed that folding the laundry was a huge imposition, so I just slept.

The meds keep me stable, but they don't stop the emotions or some of the symptoms associated with them.  I still cry when I'm hurt and feel empty.  There is a puzzle piece missing and although I'm working on finding it, it's extremely frustrating.  I'm frustrated with the slow progress and that I can't concentrate.  I have an MA from a prestigious school, so I should be better.

I can't always get what I want, but I haven't found what I needed yet

How are you?

It's a simple question that people ask, but do they always want to know the answer?  If I'm stable I say good.  If I'm down or upset, I say all right. So when Geof asked the simple question, I was surprised.  He then followed up with that he asked because he cares and no one asks.  I am OK, which means I'm stable, but I'm also a bit sad and have a sense of relief.  They are an odd combination indeed.

I am sad about losing the friend that I have been talking about in previous posts.  I think maybe I felt more for him than I realized and that loss has left a hollowness in me.  I know that it will take a while to stop missing him and wishing that things were different and that is why I am sad.

I am relieved because I will finally be getting a mini break at work.  Because of my medication and my issues mornings are really difficult for me.  I just have to get paperwork signed by my psych and then I get a mini relaxing moment.  It's not that I don't like work, but the amount of stress makes it a bit difficult for me to improve.  I am staying stable, but not getting to the point where I am happy.

I also have this great sense of hope that things are improving and that I am starting to accomplish goals that have just been on the back burner.  I have lost weight and hope to be below 200 lbs within the next two months.  I also want to finish some of my list items as well as start repairing my relationships. 

While there is always a mix of emotions when it comes to getting better.  I did appreciate being asked genuinely how I was.  Perhaps asking the simple question may help us connect and that starts the healing.

Pride and heartbreak

This is going to be half upbeat half defeatist, hence the title.  I am still dealing with the set back from a few days ago, but I will try to keep this as positive as possible because we have to look at the positive and celebrate the good.

I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday and my therapy appointment today.  Yes I have two separate ones, but the more support the better.  They both reported that I'm doing well despite the setback from the other day and have helped me process it.  We looked at the good things that I have been working on like this blog.  I am also exercising everyday and the best part is that I lost 6 lbs!!!  I am now 208lbs, which I haven't been in such a long time.  I am hoping to be under 200lbs in about 2 months. 

With my therapist we discussed the setback.  I can understand his need to protect himself and his family etc, but isolationism is not the way.  He is definitely in crazytown as Geof would say because he thinks his disorder is controlled.  I know mentally healthy people do not think that people are out to get them or that they are being spied on and it breaks my heart.  I know that I have to work on me and I am, but it still just hurts. 

We talked about the use of my crisis plan and how that was an improvement of how I would handle the situation even a month ago, which would land me in the hospital.  The cool thing that I learned is that there are social workers that will come to your house if you're alone.  I also talked about the suicide chat line and how the counselor pointed out that he cared enough to let me know that he was going to delete everyone instead of just doing it.  I just don't know.  I feel angry, heartbroken and sad at the same time.  I miss him and want to punch him at the same time.

I am trying to stay positive and working on getting better.  I am doing it for me, but the emotions are getting in the way.  Everyone is so proud of me for doing so well and I am proud of myself because I'm starting to feel worthwhile again.  Things that are meant to be celebrated.

Finding Help

This is probably the most important step when trying to get better.   Once you find a therapist and get on medication if it's deemed necessary, you need a support system and a crisis plan.  This is because getting better will have setbacks and bumps in the road.

One of my favorite organizations is To Write Love On Her Arms.  It's a non profit that focuses on raising awareness and being the bridge to finding help for people that are suffering from self-harm, addiction, depression and eating disorders.  I found TWLOHA through a friend at a job who regularly supports them and their movement.  She even got me a bracelet that I wear when I need some strength. 

On their website they have a section that is called "Find Help (http://twloha.com/find-help)."  This brings you to all kinds of resources that one might need.  I have used the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) and it has really been a great help to me.  I use the online one-on-one chat because I dislike using the phone.  I used them yesterday because my friend left me quite suddenly and without warning.  This chat is part of my crisis plan and I will describe the conversation later as I walk through the crisis plan.

I came home for lunch as I always do and I saw the message.  I am deleting everyone from work because my boss is surfing.  I realized that it's his need for protection and paranoia, but it took the wind right out of my sails.  I felt my heart break and my jaw hit the ground.  Before the rush of tears, I did the first step in my plan, which is call my sponsor, Geof.  I think we all need that one person who will answer the phone.  Before I would have just cut, but I did the crisis plan. 

As I talked to Geof and started to sob, we came up with what I should do.  I called out of work for the rest of the day and then called my therapist.  I also called my assistant and my best friend.  They all told me to basically work on the plan and stay calm.  My assistant did come over for an hour so that I could be with someone for a bit. 

I did my wellness plan by exercising and taking a bath.  I did speak to a few more people and then as I was still not finding enough comfort I went to TWOLA and then to the prevention hotline.  The counselor I had on the chat was kind, compassionate and provided comfort.  She told me that any relationship breakup is hard and will hurt for sometime.  She also gave me a little bit of hope that maybe my friend will come back as he is suffering too.  She made me realize that he at least told me he was going instead of just disappearing, which maybe in his own messed up way he still cared.

While I went to bed I started to cry again.  I don't think I cried so much in my whole life.  I woke up at 3 am because I was still in pain.  I do believe that the medication did help me not go out of control and just left my crying on the floor.

Though today was easier, if I stop, I still hurt, but I know that for now I need to heal on my own and he has his own issues.  The important thing was that I had a crisis plan and I used it.  Disasters will happen, but I can overcome it.

I saw my psychiatrist today for a check up and I am doing fantastic because I am working the 3 things.  The medication, the therapy and exercise.  I am doing it.  I am doing it everyday and I am doing it better than anyone else.  I also lost 6 pounds, which means I'm on my way to becoming physically and mentally healthy.  I'm not there yet, but I found help and am progressing.

I do miss my friend and I probably always will, but I must heal myself.  I hope that I can move past this and that he can too.  I don't know what will happen, but I still have hope, no matter how small.  Having a small amount of hope can avert a crisis, but a crisis plan exists, just in case.

Setback

Setbacks are entirely possible while recovering.  This was a bad one.  When it rains it pours is the cliche and time has a way of fucking one over.

I was finally getting to the point of stability.  I was working on getting better through medication, the wellness plan and therapy.  I was starting to overcome the incident and was hoping to eventually repair the damage that it caused to a relationship that I valued, but that is not to be.  I got a message from him today that he was deleting everyone from work because his boss was surfing Facebook.  He has his own issues and this is just paranoia, which is a psychotic symptom.  He's not in his right mind and yet I have to be the one to suffer more.  I couldn't even go back to work after that.  I just laid on the floor and cried.

I'm devastated.  I know that people need to feel safe, but that betrayal was so much worse than mine.  Was everything he said to me a lie?  Is caring even worth it?  I feel like I will never be ab le to open up again. Why did he even bother staying only to leave two months later?  Leave when I'm finally getting better?

It feels like I always get kicked back down.  I feel like this is a horrible set back because it makes me feel like I was stupid to hope and be optimistic about healing a relationship.

My therapist said not to take it personally as he has his own issues.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt any less or that my heart isn't broken.  I just have more questions than answers.

I am still doing what I have to do, but I just feel like I'm a mess right now.