Addiction

The nature of addiction whether it be self medicating or self mutilating is that the very thing we use to survive becomes the behavior that ends up killing us. 

The above is a quote from CSI from an episode called the Hunger Artist where a model literally self injured herself to death because of infection.  Her addiction was extreme and frightening, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't understand it.

I would have to say that I was probably addicted to cutting and I tried so long to hide it.  It turned somewhere from a coping mechanism to something that I needed to reset my brain and make me normalize.  The truth is that I miss it because you have a love/hate relationship with your addiction of choice.

Russell Brand wrote an article recently about viewing drug addicts as sick instead of criminals.  He was a heroin addict which I suspect helped him ease the symptoms of his bipolar disorder.  There are 2 things that stood out in the article.  The first was that he envied his former self that was smoking smack on the dirty floor because he felt that he was happier then.  The second was him stating that drugs and alcohol weren't his problem.  Reality was his problem and drugs and alcohol were his solution.  He summed up addiction in all its forms perfectly.  

While I don't think that I was happier while cutting, I felt that I was more stable even though it was a dangerous cycle.  I also agree that reality is my problem because life is too difficult sometimes and cutting is my solution.  It is, however, a temporary, self-deluded solution to realities problems.  It got so out of control that the cutting itself became the problem.

Cutting didn't end up killing me, but I'm sure it was on its way there.  The frequency increased, the severity increased and the need increased.  The hardest part was stopping and yes, I still miss it.  It's the relationship that is seductively destructive, but it's always there.  The terrible friend that I can always count on.

 

90 days

So today marks 90 days since I quit cutting.  Everyone keeps saying good job or that they are proud of me or that I should be proud of myself, but I still just feel empty and sad.  I feel like I'm still missing some connection of getting better.

I feel that there is still an emptiness that is consuming me.  I feel like I don't matter or that I'm not good enough and establishing contact with someone only gets met with rebuffs and sayings about trivialities.  Not everyday will be fantastic in fact most of life is full of trivial happenings because we all just mill around all day at work.  The most exciting thing I did today was spill my hot chocolate and then almost have a temper tantrum because I'm frustrated with myself.

I keep getting told to be gentle with myself while the medicine is taking effect because my brain and body chemistry are changing.  The changes are causing my cognitive abilities to be slow and my coordination to suck too.  I just get frustrated with myself, but I should be viewing it as rehabilitation.  I just feel stuck and keep suffering setbacks.  Even writing this blog is difficult at the moment because I keep spelling things wrong and using the wrong words.  I was on the suicide hotline instant chat twice this week because I am mad at myself and for an instant thought that not being alive would be worth it.

I just feel like I am needy all the time and that I'm a bad friend.  I just keep losing.  Maybe I don't see the strength in myself and hate that the process is slow, but I have all these things that I want to accomplish and it's just not happening. 

One of the things that keeps ruminating in my mind is this upcoming training because I have to see him.  I also have to provide a failure for my sales training.  I am tempted to say that my entire life is a failure because there are days when it seems so.  I have no prospects of a boyfriend, no prospects for career advancement and am drowning in debt from 2 degrees that I am not using.  My life is just not living up to my potential or my dreams. 

I feel that I need to accomplish my goals to be worthwhile because I have no sense of self-worth.  If I finish a list item then I'm good.  If I help someone then I'm amazing, but just being alone by myself relaxing, I'm worthless.  I feel like I can't do this.  A friend of mine, Jamiyl, reminded me that I can get better because I am already working at it. 

Depression starts by taking away happiness, then it eats away every emotion until all that is left is nothingness.  You're just a pit of emptiness that no one can reach and you can't reach out.  Getting better means you start feeling again, but all I feel is sadness and loss.  I don't know if that's better than feeling nothing. 

I haven't cut in 90 days, but has my life really improved?  Am I better off without it or was it just a crutch to replace my non-functioning brain?  Everyone says that this is a huge accomplishment and I celebrated by getting food from the UK, the place that owns my heart, but I still feel hollow.  Here's to 90 days.

Dreams

Everyone has dreams that they want to accomplish in life.  Some are big and some are small.  Some complex and some simple.  Mine are a mixture of them.  I'll list some of them and right now a lot of them are not able to be accomplished in the short term.

I want to become an official writer

I want to be free of my madness

I want to live in England and have a koi pond where I can take care of fish.

I want to find someone that cares for me completely.

My craziest dream is to build a museum completely dedicate to Freddie Mercury:

I want to sing in public again

I want to go back to being me.

Those are some of my dreams.  I don't know if I will be able to accomplish any of them, but I can try.

I hate you.

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

That's from 10 Things I Hate About You and that the way I feel about him.

Descriptions

I was having a wonderful lunch with a friend on Saturday and she said something that made me think.  I gave her the first letter of my friendship campaign.  I can see my friend's suffering and this friendship, while new, has been a bit rocky.  She said that I was sweet for giving her the card and a token.

I have never considered myself sweet or kind, because I have not really seen either.  Kindness is very rare in the world.  My best quality is my loyalty.  Even when things get bad, I still hold out hope that we can come back together.  It usually happens because of my charisma, which has gotten me through the hard times until recently.  Patience is the other thing that a lack, but my hope however small remains.

I hope that he will remember the good times and come back.  I hope that he realizes that I did all that I could to reveal nothing and save us both.  I hope that my temper does not drive Geof and Brianna away again.  I hope that I can find something to be happy about.

My best qualities are my loyalty and charisma.  They offset my condition and the madness that now holds my heart. 

Silver Linings Playbook

I have been working on this a long time since I read the book and saw the movie, so I'm going to write about the movie because it has had a wider impact and I'm slightly in love with Jennifer Lawrence.  There are going to be spoiler alerts, so if you haven't seen it, stop reading now.

First the quick synopsis and then the break down!  Silver Linings Playbook is about a man named, Pat (Bradley Cooper), who just gets out of the mental hospital after an 8 month stay for attacking his wife's lover because he was undiagnosed bipolar.  Pat's parents have custody of Pat and have to help him cope by going therapy and taking his medication.  Pat is determined to get his wife, Nikki back, but Pat meets Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence).  Tiffany is a young woman, whose husband died and she has had a difficult time dealing with his death.  Pat and Tiffany make a deal to help each other out.  Tiffany by delivering letters to Nikki and Pat by being Tiffany's partner for a dance competition.  Through spending time with each other, they help each other get better and fall in love.

I have to say that I loved this film so much because it reflected my own life on so many levels.  I related the most to Tiffany because depression takes so much away and then we have to find some way to overcome the sadness after the self destructive period.  Tiffany found dance and I write.  I also really understood what she meant that she does everything for other people and then gets nothing in return.  I feel like I do that too.  I do a lot of things for people and then I get nothing.  Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too giving and then people take advantage of that.

I enjoyed the way the Bradley Cooper played Pat because you can see the fight in his eyes and yet the confusion.  He doesn't want to be crazy and sad, but there are times that he is convinced that he doesn't need the medications.  I do know some people who suffer from bipolar disorder and some are convinced that they can control it without medication.  All disorders are unpredictable and even managed people can still have episodes.  He eventually comes back to reality and realizes that he got what he needed not what he wanted.  He got Tiffany because that's who he needed.

This film can be very raw and shows the symptoms of both depression and bipolar disorder.  It is great that it has created a dialog on mental illness because people who suffer from these conditions are not just a label.  We struggle and we try, but sometimes we mess things up and fail.  It also reminded me a lot of me and him and yet I hold out hope that one day we can both be fixed and that we both can have a happy life.

Silver Linings Playbook was a fantastic film with great portrayals that I highly recommend to everyone. 

Campaign Announcement

I am working on a longer post, but I want to announce the campaign that I will be starting in August.  It will run from August 1 to August 31 and it is called, "I am not my scars."  This will be a photo campaign, so I will put up pictures of me not hiding my scars since they tell a story.  If you would like to participate, please send pics to zandraava@gmail.com.

I am also working on a personal campaign about friends.  That just entails me writing to my friends and telling them what they mean to me.  This is partly because my friends mean the world to me and partly because my creativity is finally coming back.