Remembering

Sometimes I have flashes of memories, some are good, some are bad.  It's a retrospect of my young life and it isn't very nice.  It's mostly filled with feelings of isolation and loneliness because I never quite fit in anywhere.  The closest I felt to belonging was every time I was in London and only London has that special claim on my heart.  That was the good time, London.

I was remembering how happy I was that he and I became friends.  I was remembering the one moment that I felt complete.  It was September 15, 2012.  He was the only one that believed that I could make my crack pot dream of having a museum to Freddie Mercury a reality.  It was nice having someone that believed in the impossible insanities in my head.  I miss that.

The thing about that relationship that makes me sad is that he believed everyone else about my feelings except for me.  I'm far more complex than anyone I know.  Love for me does not mean romantic love.  I haven't been in love with anyone, not really, but it seems even he thinks that I was. I've mistaken a feeling of love for being in love, but the truth is that I don't understand the concept of romantic love.  It's a feeling that eludes me.  I lost a really good friend, not because of work, but because of our lack of communication to fix the problems without using extremes.  Now it's probably too broken to be fixed.

Memories can hurt.  I was never popular, I was smart and awkward.  I never really kept friends for a long time, there are a few exceptions, but other than that I never felt comfortable anywhere.  Like most of my age group, I am struggling financially under student loan debt.  I am paying it down, but I can't afford to be on my own.  I cannot get  back to London, the only place that I felt like I belonged.

I felt like he was always meant to be there. As much as my job played a role in my current depression, the loss of my friend was far more detrimental.  Combine that without having London and you have what I am today.  Still fighting for my life, for a happiness that may never come.  I am the loneliest person in any room and I remember every companion of mine that leaves.

I remember everyone that leaves.

6 Months

Today is my 6 months.  I haven't cut in 6 months, which is something to be proud of, I suppose.  I guess it means that I am stronger, but the emptiness is still there.  I don't get as many cravings as I used to, but I still want it when I am very sad or stressed out or angry.  Now I do other things instead.

I had a rule on my wellness plan to do the 15 minute rule, which means when I have a craving, I do something else for 15 minutes and if I still need to, then I can.  Since starting the 15 minute rule, I haven't needed to.  I either call someone, or write, or listen to music.  Usually calling someone doesn't work as well because it's not him.  I call Jamiyl, which helps too because he's the only person that I am comfortable with crying.  I don't cry pretty either so if I can, I don't cry in public.  The truth is that he's gone.

The cutting doesn't love me, but it gave me what I needed, which was the endorphins.  I still have some scars from it that are barely noticeable now.  I do things that make me feel pretty like the photo campaign, which I enjoyed doing and I hoped people liked it.  I wear perfume and use lotions to minimize the appearance and in time they will disappear. 

I want to have some tattoos under the scars to always remind me that I survived.  I have a tattoo from Doctor Who, Sherlock and Queen.  The three things that I love to combat the destruction.  I plan to write about how the Doctor changed my life.  I wrote about how Freddie has. 

To celebrate 6 months, I am going out to see a movie.  I will now post my last picture of my campaign.

Lurking

The main problem with depression is that it never really goes away.  It's always there, lurking in the recess of your mind, just waiting.  It waits for that one moment when you're vulnerable, so that it can take you down.  The flip side to that is that the illness is unpredictable yet dependable.  It convinces you that only the depression loves you and that you may have to die for it because nothing and no one else in the world does.

Depression like addiction lies to you, which is why it's so seductive.  It's an illusion of love, which most of us so desperately desire.  Depression is always there lurking in the shadows, calling to you from time to time, waiting to take you in its poison arms.

I guess I'm thinking this way because I was remembering the one moment that I felt complete.  The moment that made me believe that there was a force stronger than my illness.  That moment is gone now and may never come back again because it's too late now.

You might be asking what that force was.  It might have been love, not romantic love, but friendship love.  The point of it was that I could feel something good again.  Something other than anger, other than sadness, other than insanity.  I felt that with that person, I was safe, maybe I could be content.  I miss that moment where love existed.  Where someone else believed in me.

The depression is still there.  It's far away now, but it's still there.  It's just waiting for that one moment to take me back.  To convince me that I need it because it makes me different, but I know that it doesn't.  It makes me the worst version of myself, but I cannot always resist it.  That is my reality.  It can get better, but the depression is never really gone forever.

It Is Not An Easy Thing

I had just finished the Letters of the Earl of Rochester, which had one letter stand out.  He is mostly known for writing obscene poetry and his libertine ways, but I see him as a deeply flawed human who was just looking for something good, which he didn't seem to find.   He rarely wrote the date on the letters, so most of the dating is by guesstimation, but it made sense to me.  He wrote, "'Tis not an easy thing to be entirely happy, but to be kind is very easy indeed and that is the greatest measure of happiness."  To me, this is one of the truths of life.

As one of those that sufferers from depression for seemingly no good reason, it is not easy to be happy.  We all strive for happiness, but miscommunications and disappoints block the good. Kindness, however, is rare because we all rationalize the terrible things that we do to each other, yet being kind is easy.  It just takes practice and that can then bring you happiness. 

I got involved in More Love Letters to share positive thoughts to random people.  It's my attempt at being kind because I haven't been as I have no been happy.  The writing of letters that helps another person that will never know me, makes me smile because I might have brightened someone's day.  That brings me happiness.

The challenge: one random act of kindness.  I challenge all of you to do one thing for another person.  I write letters and leave them for people to find.  What would you do?

 Does kindness bring happiness and is that what we can measure our happiness by?  Some of the most miserable people are the kindest because they don't want others to suffer like they do.  Maybe we can learn from Rochester that kindness is easy and that we can all be part of bringing happiness by it.

Another picture of me for the campaign

Turtles

Today, something brilliant happened.  I got to rescue newly hatched baby turtles that were running around the parking lot at work.  They hatched right outside our door.  We were scooping up the little guys, putting them in a box and then transporting them to the swamp to freedom.

They were tiny but strong.  One tried to push itself off my hand several times, but it didn't drop.  Some were scared, some were bewildered and some were explorers.  Yes, they were baby snapping turtles, which means they can bite my arms in a few years, but today they were adorable little helpless animals.   I felt good about helping some not get run over by cars.

It was my good deed for the day.  It made me feel like I made a difference in the world, even for one moment.

Wellness Updates

I decided to give everyone an update on my wellness activities, which includes where I am on some of the list activities too.  I redo the list every 6 months because long term goals are too difficult to concentrate on.

For the Wellness Plan, 90% of it has become habit.  I exercise, which I'm up to 31 minutes a day, plus a rotating ab and weight routine.  I take a bath everyday and read while I'm in there.  I am up to 7 books this month.  I check in with Geof and hang out with my friends.  The only thing I'm slacking on is cooking once a week.  I just haven't had any ideas on what to much.  I guess it's time to go through cook books again and make menus.

As for the list, I started it with him, but have modified it into the current list and the wellness plan as that separates the longer things and that daily things.  I had 23 things on the list from February to August, now I have 17 list items to accomplish to February.  Some are still mundane like paying off my credit cards and having my dental surgery, but there are other fantastic things on there.  I have almost sent out all of my campaign letters, I have 5 left to either deliver or mail.  I am also working on my work certificates, which will be equivalent to a business degree.  There is one thing on there that may be impossible and it might be there for all time, however, I am not ready to share that with anyone.  While nothing on this list has been finished yet, they are all in progress of some kind.

Suffice to day, I am doing a lot better than I was when I started this blog.  I should be finished with one list item in a few weeks, the others may take until February or longer.  Mostly, life is good at the moment.

Campaign Progress

I have gotten some feedback from my campaign and I am very excited.  I have 2 people that may do guest posts for me and I had someone post something on my facebook wall about the campaign.  It's bloomed far more than I could have imagined.  We are more than our mental illnesses.  We are part of the human race.  We have thoughts, feeling and beauty like anyone else.  We fight harder than everyone else and we can win.

Join me again because this may be an annual campaign.  I urge everyone to send me photos of themselves about how they are more than their scars.  Send e-mails to zandraava@gmail.com.