The First Story

I wrote the other day about how I was better with certain people.  I should write the story of what happened that I needed to be made better from.  This is the first story.  Not the story of the incident, which was the impetus of this blog, Pile of Good Things and my wellness plan.  This is the story of how I realized I was different and how it broke me.

After I finished Graduate School in England, I came home to CT.  I never like coming back to CT, but I ran out of money, couldn't get a visa to stay and came back home.  First order of business was to find a job.  Of course in 2009, the economy was still crappy.  I ended up with 3 part time jobs.  One was at an oil tank removal company, one was as a tutor and then I worked for a cosmetics company.  The last is where we had problems.

When I first started, I was so in love with the company's products as they were mostly natural and had safe synthetics.  I will not name the company here for certain legal reasons.  I originally liked the people I worked with because I was only there for part of the time and we were busy since it was for Christmas.  The first year was OK.  It was the second year that started to cause me problems because I was passed over for promotion and the assistant manager's best friend was picked for a supervisor's position over me.  They claimed that I wasn't ready and that may have been true, but it was disappointing nonetheless and my performance suffered.  I believe this was due to lack of communication on both sides.  I had an MA, was over-educated and underpaid for my position.  I was ready for responsibility, but was offered none. 

I eventually did get the promotion in July of 2011, which was fine.  The manager got fired in September for harassing the staff, which included screaming in my face in a public forum.  Things got better for a little bit until the assistant manager was trying to get the management job.  That's when her crazy came out and I was starting to be bullied by her.  Everyone started to be bullied, actually.  When the new manager came in, I complained, but the assistant won out in the end because she had the company's best interest at heart.  The assistant was necessarily mean, but she would throw tantrums, belittle in public and be demeaning to staff.  All this eventually broke me down and led to a minor depression and a lapse into cutting.

The final breakdown of this incident happened in 2012 at a Holiday party.  I was having a really bad night because I was so out of my mind on endorphins.  I was being ignored by almost everyone except the waiter, who was the only one that noticed something was wrong.  I went into the bathroom twice to try to cut myself with a hair clip.  I admit, not my best moment.  I was so miserable and at one point I was talking about Sherlock and somehow a gun was mentioned.  It got interpreted that I was going to mow down the entire place.  I don't own a gun.  I actually hate guns and would never wish to have one.  Long story short, I got fired the next day, which was fine.

I was so happy that I never had to go back.  I actually smiled for the first time in 6 months after that.  I stopped cutting that day and started to glow.  The problem was coming back from it.  It took time and was a great struggle and then he walked into my life.  It wasn't always easy with him, but I started to come alive again.  I still struggled with cutting and depression, but I had someone that I could feel in my corner.  I came up with a modified wellness plan, but it all eventually fell apart as the depression started to come back 2 months before the incident.  The incident is another story for another day.

My life is never going to be easy.  I know the lure of cutting will always be there.  Depression can be seductive in a deceptive way.  There will always be triggers and now I am more aware of them.  Time has healed this wound with support.  There are other wounds that are still healing,  I'm hoping that things will change soon and I will come back to what I was.

PS.  I forgot to add one thing.  Since the cosmetics company uses sulfates in almost everything, I have permanent damage to my hands.  I get tiny itchy patches on my fingers, which flare up more in winter.  Only Shea butter lotion from a rival company seems to help a long with a prescription cream.  I complained about this, but no one seemed to be concerned with my injuries caused by their "amazing" products.  I have a permanent reminder of what happened there.  A permanent reminder of the bullying, but a permanent reminder of my survival.

I Was Better With You

There are people in the world that can bring out the best in you.  There are others that bring out the worst in you and then there are those that can heal you.  I think when you look back and it's what you remember that counts.  I had someone bring out the best in me.  He almost brought my back to life.

I had great conversations with him.  Not everyday was great, but overall, I wasn't lonely.  I had someone that understood what it was like to be this messy, but still be worthwhile.  I miss that.  I miss having someone that I could talk to everyday and be myself with.  It's still not easy to be friends with me, but at least he tried to be for as long as he could.  Maybe things will get better.

I have a new friend named Jill and I think she's bringing out the best in me too.  She's a great person who likes the same things that I do.  We talk everyday about annoying customers at work.  It's a great distraction.  We talk about the Doctor and she was the one that sent me the Dalek.  She makes my days bearable and I'm glad I met her.

I am struggling a lot still.  I was better when I had a friend there all the time.  Maybe I need a companion or an assistant.  I believe that friends are the family that you choose.  No relationship is perfect, but the point of them is enjoyment.  He started to make me alive.  When he disappeared I felt the chasm that is still engulfing me.  I am still trying hard to work on getting better.  I am better with people around me.  Maybe one day I will have a large group to depend on.  For those there thank you.  For those that left, I was better with you.

Doubting

I have this nagging feeling that I don't matter.  It comes and goes.  It washes over me like a wave without notice, yet it rarely subsides.  Something telling me that everything I do is pointless.  It triggers a craving to cut, just to get rid of the feeling of unworthiness.  Sometimes it's not a fun life, being me.

I am trying to be positive, but something is still wrong with me.  I have not been managing my illness well for the past month.  I am still taking my medication, but I've been run down from work and just the financial pressures I'm under.  I also haven't been doing my exercises regularly due a cold or going out.  I also hate the class I'm taking now, Human Resource Selection, as it's uninteresting and poorly designed.  The quiz says it's chapters 9-12, but has no questions on chapter 10, yet has questions on chapter 13.  Maybe I need to get on track with my wellness plan.

As far as my list goes I have 12 items left on it to finish by the end of February.  I'm hoping that half of those will be completed as the other half are longer term goals or need money to complete them.  I also know that using up my perfume will be a work in progress.  I'm not over buying soap or lotion until I use them up and then I can get more.  Some things I have to get done before my parents move so that way I have someone there in case I need rides for medical procedures.

I know that I'm going to have bad days/weeks and that I will be lonely.  It would be so much easier to give up and let my illness win.  It would be easier to stop striving, sit around and pity myself, but I don't.  I continue to fight even though I'm totally exhausted, freezing and am in pain.

I was productive today at least.  I wrote an outline for the presentation that I want to make to businesses for Pile of Good Things.  I really want to go forward and help people to ensure that what happened to me will never happen to another person ever again.  Right now though, it feels hopeless as I have no idea what I'm doing.

I do feel alone a lot of the time.  I know that pisses people off, but the truth is that I spend a lot of time alone.  I lost my assistant and my companion this year.  I need an assistant and a companion.  They can be the same person, but it's difficult to care for me.  It's hard enough for me to care for myself.  Maybe the depression has robbed me of all the caring that I can feel from others.

I'll stop now because it is too depressing at the moment.

Swirls

There are times when my mind starts to swirl with the memories of the past, the pain of the present and the uncertainty of the future.  It's the swirls that compound the loneliness.  I have always been lonely.  I do not feel close to anyone at the moment.  Everyday is basically the same: get up, go to work, eat food, manage illness, write and go back to bed.  I don't think being a woman is helping my mentality at the moment.  Just a whirlwind of messiness.

I had to deal with a friend's issues because he wants to quit school since he can't balance the work and the family stresses.  My job is just full of annoyances with stupid people not reading the directions and then calling us to set up their computers.  I hate dealing with stupidity all day because it detracts from my brilliance.  I feel connected to him still yet distant, which makes me filled with malcontent.

I think that female issues are the problem at the moment.  I get period rage, which is causing most of these feelings.  I don't like my body, I have acne on my face, cramps and want to rip off my skin.  Again, just a giant pile of mess that is too much to work through.

Writing is my salvation, but right now I want to curl into a ball and hope the world disappears.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster all day.  I have hope, anger, hatred, and sorrow all in one moment.  It's terrible.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to be a girl anymore.  If all I get out of life is managing my illness, then it's not worth it.  It seems that everyone is happier, more successful and prettier than I am.  I can hear him telling me that that doesn't mean that I don't have value.  He thinks that I can do anything, but why can't I get better?  Why can't I be stable?  Why do I still feel like I am so insignificant that I won't be missed?

These are the swirls that take control when they should not.

___ Makes Life Better

This new campaign starts a week from Friday!  I am super excited about all the things that can make life better.  I'm talking about things we can do in the here and now that can make life valuable again.  I hope many will read and even more will participate. 

You can message me via my Facebook Page, Overcoming Ophelia, comment on this post or e-mail me at Zandraava@gmail.com.  Tell me what makes life better for you.  It can be anything, your kids, your fish, dancing, art, poetry, etc.  I have some picked out already.  Stay tuned.

It was all inspired by this book.

Triggers

Night time is not the best time of day for me.  As I lay in my bed alone, I start to realize how lonely I am and then it just spirals down from there.  Occasionally, I go to bed happy, but most of the time, I realize that I'm lonely.  Loneliness is one of my worst triggers.

I don't know why I lack connection with people.  Maybe the depression has taken its toll.  Depression is nothingness and coming back from it takes time.  It doesn't like letting go either.  I know that I have friends and family that care, but this depth of loneliness, I'm not sure anyone can truly understand.  That's probably why I like the 9th Doctor so much, but that portrayal of his loneliness that he tries to hide is what I feel. 

I don't think a lover or a relationship will solve this problem.  I have a very low libido at the moment anyway, but I rarely preferred sex.  I like lingerie and flirting because both have to do with the mind.  The lingerie making the wearer feel powerful and awesome and the flirting just working on the minds of those involved.  Since I've never liked my body because of the Hashimoto's, sex doesn't really matter to me.  I just want someone there to understand.  Not say that their sorry or that things will get better.  I just need to feel some type of connection.

The only reason why I fell asleep last night was because I could feel his hand.  He was one of the few people that I ever felt connected to.  Maybe it's all just a memory, but it calmed me enough to fall asleep.  While, I'm still sick, I took the day off today too. Maybe all I will ever have is memory.

I don't know how to combat this trigger.  Last night I wrote letters to at least get it out of my head.  Writing is my outlet, but triggers are the worst part of my life.  I can't always avoid them, but I need to find a way to minimize their effects.

I think I'm just at a loss on how to stabilize.

Why Am I Like This?

There are many causes of depression and I wanted to tell you all about what mine is.  Since the new DSM is coming out soon, the way of diagnosis has changed.  Since I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I cannot fully explain how it's changed, but there is now a narrative part to the diagnosis of mental illnesses. 

My depression is a symptom of a larger condition known as Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  It's an autoimmune disease, which means that my immune system doesn't recognize my thyroid as something that belongs there and it's trying to kill that organ.  A tiny butterfly shaped organ at the base of you throat cannot cause so much havoc, can it?  It really does. 

Depression is a symptom of Hashimoto's as well as fatigue, hair loss, brittle nails, scaly skin, infertility and weight gain.  It's a fun illness to be sure.  Like depression, Hashimoto's cannot be cured, but it can be managed.  I go to the doctor every 8 months for a check up. Right now, my hair is falling out again and I have scaly patches on my ankles, which lotion is doing nothing to erase.  I have been exercising, so that might have changed my body chemistry again, which causes symptom flare ups.  Perhaps I need a medication adjustment, but I'm not sure.

The thing with Hashimoto's is that it has to be monitored.  It has caused me to try to live a healthier lifestyle.  I can no longer have diet soda as aspartame triggers symptoms.  I have to exercise everyday, which is something that I resisted, but since my last bout of depression, I decided to exercise.  I try the best I can to take care of myself, but battling depression at the same time is difficult.

I take comfort in the fact that my depression is not my fault.  I don't believe that any type of mental illness is the sufferer's fault.  I know that my depression can always come back because of my Hashimoto's.  I just have to keep on working on being well.  We all strive to be the best version of ourselves.  Sometimes it's more difficult than others' battles, but we all try.

I hope that one day it will be easier, but I know that it will be a struggle.  One day I hope there may be a cure for autoimmune diseases so that suffering will be eased.  Hashimoto's is manageable but can be just as devastating as any other disease.