Bad Day

I try very hard to get better and fit in even though I'm dying inside.  I don't know what happens with me.  I have a few good days then I'm back to feeling sad.  I just feel like I'm failing at everything and I don't need to be reminded constantly of my failure. 

We had a meeting at work today and for people with depression/anxiety issues showing how big goals are, is very overwhelming.  It seems completely unattainable.  Things need to be broken down into chunks, so it's easier to deal with.  Instead of saying the whole house must be cleaned, say that this week, we'll focus on the bedroom and then go from there.  Saying we need 5 million in sales this year is such a large number that I have no idea how to even get there.

I'm just done with everything in my life.  I basically just wish that it was over.  I know that I'm only 28, but I don't think I'm strong enough for this fight.  I was trying to think back to if my life was easier when I was cutting.  I know that it wasn't, but it's getting harder to resist that urge.  Everyone says that life gets better, but what if it doesn't?

It's been a year since Doomsday and while I am functional, I am not better.  I'm not constantly depressed, but I've lost everyone. I don't understand any of this.  I know that I have to get a place to live and take care of myself.  I just want time off to fix things and I want him because he's not there.

My life is in a tailspin this week.  I just want one good thing to happen, but it doesn't seem likely.  I'm not doing well with fundraising or sales or even keeping friends.  It's just been a difficult week.

The thing that turned this day around were my 5th graders.  They did such an amazing job at running the service.  It's amazing sometimes how much kids can do.

I just have to keep trying and do the best I can.  I still miss a lot, but that is part of being alive.  Living is the hardest part.

Burn Out

I think I'm burning out.  Our sales are terrible and I keep making mistakes.  I think because I have an anxiety disorder and mild depression, it is harder for me to deal with stress.  My job while only requiring a high school education can be pretty stressful.  I was so much better in 2012.  Recovering is the hardest part of everything.

I really don't know how to combat burnout since there is little stability at my job.  Turnover is outrageous and I don't think very many people like me.  It's incredibly difficult trying to get better when nothing changes.  It's also very easy to slack off, which is what I've been doing because of the cold. 

Yesterday was a very painful meeting because it was a company wide meeting so he was there and so was my ex friend.  I talked to him a bit and he seems very tired expect when he has an audience then he's all upbeat.  He is a very good performer.  My ex friend doesn't even acknowledge my existence.  She walks past me as if we've never been introduced.  It's like the people that I support through all their darkness and hard times just can't handle me.  Perhaps it's easy to leave me or people just move on easily.  I understand that very few people are givers, but this is ridiculous.

Also at this meeting, they played videos about how people help out customers and go above and beyond.  One of the new people was talking about how all the employees acted like family and supported each other.  I just sat there and shook my head because I am a different person because of this place.  I remember the person that I used to be and I actually liked that person.  It wasn't perfect, but I was more alive than this.

I don't hate my job and I'm not ready to leave yet.  I hate what happened.  I forgave him a long time ago, but being this alone is too painful.  I know that every job has its own crap, but being the mess I am now is a direct result of it.  Thankfully there is wine, friends and shoes.

Self-Injury Awareness Day

Wear orange on Saturday, March 1st, for Self-Injury Awareness day.  Comment with your pictures!  It was one year ago that I quit.  Let's make that day awesome.

Also news to follow on Pile of Good Things.  I think we are actually making it happen.  Now if only he could see.

Pain

The hardest thing about winter is the physical pain that occurs with snow.  Shoveling snow with this crazy snow has caused lower back pain, blisters and exhaustion.  My back is the main problem at the moment.  I haven't been able to exercise, which is only adding to my lethargy.

Emotionally, I am better.  My depression and anxiety are at minimal levels.  I have been thinking of asking if I can get off the anti-depressant soon.  I'm going to book my appointment on Monday for that.  I'm working on trying to take better care of myself health wise.  It's so easy to get derailed by just being lazy.  I have to cut myself off of soda too since that is causing me to not lose weight.

I have also decided to test out a gluten free or reduced diet since I do have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis it is usually recommended.  I will miss bread though.  However oatmeal bread is amazing.  That might be one of the reasons why I was so much better in the UK, I would make my own oatmeal bread and I would walk everywhere.  It's difficult to walk where I live because there are no sidewalks and people drive like maniacs.  Yay living in the country.

I have so much that I want to do.  I want to be a functional person again.  I'm always going to be weird, different, etc, but I don't want to be sick anymore.  I don't want my illness to run my life.  I know that I have to be vigilant and challenge the thinking.  I also have to take care of myself physically. 

I'm trying to get back on track again after being derailed by my own self sabotage of laziness and thyroid issues.  It takes a while and I'm glad for the support that I have gotten from my friends and family.  Now all I need is for it to be 70 degrees out.  May is one of my favorite months.  I may go down to Baltimore to visit since I haven't been there in ages. 

Everyday that I can cope is a good day.  Bad days happen to everyone.  I just have to make sure that a bad day doesn't sidetrack me completely.  I know that my back pain will get fixed soon.  I just have to muddle through a few more days. 

Miss You

I have the same habits as before
I sit at my computer, chat with people and put on make up
I dress nice, wear heels and smile sometimes
I get out of bed, go to work, eat food
The only difference is that you're not there
Not there for me to talk to.

I talk out loud hoping you can hear
I see things that you would think are funny
And I tell the air.
I worry about you every time there is a car crash
You're not there now though
Is it a bad dream?

You changed me when you walked in
You changed me when you left
I'm not even me anymore, I'm someone else
I was so close to being human
Now I may never be, which might be better
I carry on without you.

I have forgiven your weaknesses
I have forgiven your shortcomings
I have never stopped caring for you
I have never stopped missing you
I move forward yet still look behind
Hoping that I'll see you there.

Even if I never see you again
For a short time you were the best
A friend that I could rely on
Someone who, I believe, still believes in me
I move forwards without you,
But with a gift inspired by you.

I will fight the world
To make it better for you, for me
For the people like us
I will always miss you.

I Believe in You

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.  I have never been a big fan of this day for 2 reasons.  The first is that it's a Saint's day and most saints died horrific deaths, which seemed to be a requirement to become a saint, especially in the middle ages.  The second is that I've never been popular so I never got valentines in school and I've only ever had 1 relationship around this day.  One day to celebrate love is ridiculous.  Love, if it's real, should be celebrated everyday because it is really rare.

It was just an average day yesterday.  I know that a few of my friends sent me some things, but I haven't received them quite yet.  The biggest surprise was the giant box of flowers that arrived on my doorstep. It was a box of 2 dozen multi color roses.  There was white, red, yellow, orange and pink tips.  Roses are my favorite flower as well as being the subject of many of my floral pictures.

The card just said, "I believe in you."  I didn't think it was for any romantic sentiment, so I believe it was from one of my friends.  It turned out to be from my best friend.  I know that they were probably expensive and I appreciate the thought.  I have the card on my station at work.  I'm going to photograph the flowers as soon as they perk up a bit. 

My best friend knows that I don't like Valentine's Day, so she decided to do something extraordinarily kind.  I give gifts to people because I like making people smile at something so unexpected, but I never expect anything in return. The card was perfect.  I don't need romance or sex or love.  I need someone to believe in me, when I forget to.  It's a great confidence boost.

Friends really do make life better.  When your world falls apart, your friends should be there to walk you through it.  I value all my friends.  I miss the ones that left, but I am ready to forgive.  I am here if they should wander back. I may not be the best friend in the world when I'm sick, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all that my friends do.

Every Lonely Monster

Every lonely monster needs a companion.  I don't have a companion anymore.  He's very distant and very cold, but I'm glad to know that it's with everyone, not just me.  I think he's sicker than even he knows and it hurts to see it.  There is nothing that I can do.  I do things from a distance, but that's it.

I still think that I have a problem connecting to people.  I know that my depression does that sometimes.  I miss being and feeling close to someone.  Depression makes me that lonely monster.  I am working really hard to get myself together so that I can be a better friend. My illness gets in the way of a lot of things and a lot of my relationships suffer because of it.

The thing is that most people come back.  I learned forgiveness, but have yet to learn patience.  I don't think any type of caring really goes away.  The people that leave are either sick themselves or they just can't handle my sickness.  It leaves a hole when friends disappear.  My friends are important to me and I know that I don't always show it as well as I could.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day.  I got some chocolates for some of my co-workers with cute little notes.  Other than that there is nothing for me to celebrate.  Love should be celebrated every day that you have it because there is nothing that says that it will last forever.  Love doesn't always end, but if it does, it's devastating.

I will be spending my evening after work packing up my room.  I have to start downsizing.  I'm starting to look for my own apartment, so I won't have the room for so much stuff.  I will probably be getting rid of clothes and books mostly.  It's difficult to let go of things especially when you are lonely.

Loneliness is my constant state.  Maybe I'm too different to truly connect to anyone else.  I hope that one day I will have a companion again.  I learn patience.  I'm not looking for a boyfriend, but someone to just spend time with who will put up with my conversations for hours.  I'm the lonely monster and I need a companion.