Changes

All these changes are still making me sad. 

I had a fight with my mom a few days ago because she said I was using my depression as an excuse to not help with the move.  It was just really difficult for me.  My childhood home is gone.  I mean the last few years there were not great, but it was my home base.

I'm trying to get used to being clean and having a smaller space.  My bedroom is bigger than my old one though.  I am still lonely.  I had my friend Casey come by for a few hours.  I know that he is lonely too.  He doesn't have many friends and I think it was beneficial for both of us to just spend time with each other. 

I went to therapy today and we discussed the move.  My therapist said that anxiety will kick up during a move and it's worse for people that have an anxiety disorder like I do.  It's made worse by the amount of things that are still left to go through and sort out.  I have to keep reminding myself to go through 1 box a day and should have most things done by the end of June.  I do want to have a house warming party at the end of June.

I'm going to a race tomorrow with my dad.  I know it's going to be one of the last things that we do together because my parents are moving out of the country in September.  I'm looking forward to it, but it is a little sad.

I am hoping that things will get better in time.  I feel a bit out of control.  I need to find the balance between responsibility and fun.  I'm going to try to tutor to make some extra money.  Being busy might lessen my loneliness. The loneliness usually hits around 10 pm because I realize that he's not there.  Yet everything reminds me of him. 

It's exhausting going through this change.  I just have to do it in bite sized chunks.  I will get there eventually.  I'm trying, which is all that I can do.

Closed

My house is officially sold.  They closed on it today, so it's gone.  I'm glad that I don't have to be around my horrible neighbors because they were ignorant and uneducated.  I cannot abide ignorance.  While most ignorance can be cured by education, theirs never will because they are also irrational.  However, I had some good memories in that house and I will miss my old bedroom. 

I like my new apartment even though it is still covered in boxes and I can't find anything.  I have a schedule of things that I have to get done because I need to get things done.  I need to live in a clean place.  I do have a lot of things, but I love them.  I love my tea cups, wedgwood, and Doctor Who figures.  I'm going to get rid of extra things that I do not need like some clothes, kitchen utensils and extra lamps.  I don't have the storage space here that I did in my house.

I'm glad that I did get some white violets from the house for myself.  That was one of my favorite things about the house.   I loved the yard.  I grew up there and there are still buried dinosaurs in the yard.  I had lots of parties in that house.  It wasn't always well kept, but it's where I grew up.

Lonely

I have finished moving everything out of the house and now my apartment looks like a bomb hit it.  I think I have 6 lamps.  I think that may be a bit too many.  There is one that I will be getting rid of.  I look at everything I have and I get sad.  It's just too much stuff.

I used to have someone to talk to all the time, now, I'm back inside my own head.  I'm trying to write more in my journal and on here.  I am also trying to explore my new town.  I had Ming Garden Chinese take out today.  I had curry chicken, which turns out to be my favorite because this is the only one I've tried that doesn't have mushrooms.  It's also quite close... about a 10 minute walk.

I still feel very different from everyone else, which is something that I've been struggling with forever.  I don't know if it's my intelligence or my ESP or something else, but I am different.  Maybe I am just a time lord who is stuck. 

I think I will be less stressed when I start to settle in a bit more.  All the things for a tag sale are going to be staying in a car because we don't have room to store them in an apartment. I also need a bookshelf.  Anything that looks like it belongs in Hampton Court Palace would work for me.  I want to pretend to have a palace even though I can't afford it.

I swear my mom has a ton more stuff than I do.  There are just piles everywhere.  I'm hoping to at least have my closet done tomorrow.  It would be nice to finish something in this crazy place.  I feel like it's a hotel and not the apartment I rent.  I still worry about how I'm going to pay for it.  I will probably need to get a little part time job where I only work 15 hours or less a week.  Maybe I'll tutor.

I miss having someone to talk to about my life.  I know that most of my life is boring, but it was nice having someone that cared.  I liked caring about someone too.  Maybe I'm meant to be lonely, so that I can care more.  Compassion is a gift, but at times, it's isolating because no one can give as much as me.

Overwhelmed

I was so overwhelmed today with the amount of stuff that I am still bringing into my apartment.  There are boxes piled up in every room and the closet.  I actually cried for 20 minutes today because I don't know where everything will go.  I already have 2 boxes for a tag sale or donations. 

I can barely move and I feel like I'm in an episode of hoarders.  I found a blanket in a basket that I swear we got rid of 6 years ago, but apparently it's just been in a closet for all that time.  I think we will also be getting take out for a while since I have no way to reach the stove and oven to cook. 

I feel like I've been sweating forever.  I know that the dust will kick up again, so I have to keep hydrated and wear a mask.  I just wish everything was settled because I can't deal with all this junk anymore.

Moving In Day 7

So today was going back and forth from the apartment and the house.  I still have more stuff to bring over and I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.  There is just too much stuff.  I know that it's 3 people's stuff over the last 30 years, but I swear my mother but in a bottle of baby oil from when I was a baby.  She says it still smells good.

I am just inundated with stuff and a lot of it is probably things that I don't need.  I mean there is a thing of 25 rolls of toilet paper.  I will probably be set for a few months there.  My parents will help rearrange the place, but it's just so overwhelming.  I never realized how much stuff I had until I moved to a smaller place and started tripping over everything.  It's not the furniture, but just boxes everywhere. 

I'm just so tired of all this shit.  I need help with this.  I'm going to hide in my bed.

I've also been dreaming about him because I miss him.  I'm becoming what I'm supposed to be, but it's pretty lonely.

Moving In Day 5 & 6

So, I finally have internet and cable in my new place.  Yay!  It's going to take a few weeks to figure out where everything is going to go.  Let's start by the official move of yesterday.

I got up early and had official movers come in and move the furniture.  I don't have a great amount furniture, but some of them were heavy and my apartment is on the second floor.  I had a couch, a bed, 2 TVs an stands, a dresser and a few tables.  We used Vanguard Logistics from Bethel.  They were very professional and very quick.  They came at 8, were done taking things from the house to the apartment and were done by noon.  I think they found a personal item in my former bedroom, which they put in a drawer.  They didn't say anything and I'm sure they've seen worse.  They were very professional and I highly recommend them to anyone that is moving.

The rest of the day was spent moving some things that were not included in the manifest for the movers.  I also started setting up my new place so that I could shower and sleep.  Sleeping in the new place is kind of odd.  I did wake up in the middle of the night because it was a new place and had trouble falling asleep since there was someone snoring very loudly in a different apartment.

Today, I got up and started to dig through boxes to figure out where my stuff was.  My friend Casey came in at 9:30 and we started sorting through things.  We went through my clothes that were in 4 big suitcases.  I have waaayyy too many clothes.  My dresser is basically completely full.   We moved my jewelery case from one room to the other.  We also started going through boxes, which led to use setting up part of my DVD collection.  We then went to famous pizza for lunch.  AT&T came to set up my internet and cable.  Casey then left for work.

My friend Jana came over about 30 minutes later and we went through the mountain of boxes in my living room.  A lot of them were books or things for my bedroom, so they just went into my room to be sorted at a later date.  I also found 4 teapots of different sizes and colors.  I don't think I will get rid of the teapots, but some of the other things, definitely.  I got rid of some clothes already and a few things in the kitchen. 

The only thing I'm freaking out about is there is a small white box that has my extra meds in it that I can't find. My extra anti-depressants are in there.  I should be ok but I need to find it soon.  I know that I shouldn't suddenly stop a medication like that.  I won't get the pills till Tuesday, which will be expensive.  I may not need the anti-depressants for much longer, but this isn't a great way to go off them.  I will be looking tomorrow very hard. 

Tomorrow is going back to the house and cleaning it.  I also have to go on a trip to Target.  I need a lamp for my bedroom because it is dark in that room.  I'm having fun figuring out my new place and the town I live in.

Moving In Day 4

Today was the final cleaning day as well as moving in more of my stuff.  Yes, I still have a lot of things.  I pared down a lot of my collections, but I will still need a bookshelf of some kind.  I got rid of all mine. 

I was kind of dysphoric today when I got up because it is the last day in the house that I grew up in.  I did plant my white violets in a pot, but I've never really been anywhere else except for college, which is different.  This has always been my home base.  I went out with a friend for coffee and paid bills, which got me in the mood to pack the last of my stuff.

I cleaned the bathrooms today.  They were not as gross as the kitchen, but they weren't exactly pretty either.  The bathrooms are very small compared to the ones I have now.  I'm glad that I have a bath tub, but may have to hose it down again before I actually use it.  I know that it was cleaned or at least appeared to be before we moved it.  Then again, men cleaned it and they are looking at the big picture. 

I think I sweat more today than I did yesterday.  I'm going to lose some weight with the amount of steep stairs in my place.  Going up and down with all that stuff was definitely a work out.  Putting all the boxes in the rooms where they are supposed to go made me realize that I have so much stuff.  I will probably be getting rid of things as I go through them.  I really don't need 2 pizza stones.  I'll keep one because I am poor and flour is cheaper than frozen pizza. 

Tomorrow is the day the movers are going to come and take the furniture away.  I will still have a few things left in the house, which I will get sometime on Saturday.  I ran out of suitcases for clothes.  I do have a ridiculous lingerie collection, which took up one whole bag.  I just have my closet left to pack.  Just the clothes in it.  Then it's the new place all the way.

I won't have Internet till Saturday, so Day 5 and 6 will be posted together and there will hopefully be pictures.  It's a nice place and have to figure out new places to eat.  Hopefully everyone will be able to visit soon.