Undone by Arbitariness

The world rarely makes sense because it seems to be undone at every turn by arbitrariness.  I'm writing this because the three Israeli teens who were kidnapped were found today shot to death.  I know the senselessness of the world more than most, but this breaks my heart because kids should not suffer. Their deaths are horrible and Hamas should not celebrate this.  They only show their cowardice by killing children.

I know that no one is ever completely 100% safe.  Everybody knows that everybody dies, but we all hope it's when we reach a ripe old age.  This, however, is not always the case.  The world we live in is not fair, just or kind as a whole.  There are individuals who have all those qualities, but society does not.  Human nature has not changed and no one is ever safe from harm.  Tragedy touches us all.

My writing alone can refute all the charges that former company has laid against me.  Did I exercise poor judgement?  Yes.  Was I truly violent or dangerous?  Not at all.  I feel too much and this is my outlet for the pain and the sadness.  Words are my weapons, not guns or knives or anything else.  I know how to use words and have the knowledge to weave around arguments.  I should be a lawyer.  I would not physically harm another person because I would feel the pain from 10 others around me.

I want the world to be a better place, but I cannot take on the world.  I can only focus on the injustice that is done to people like me.  I am in no way close to what a terrorist is.  I tried to move on from the intentional torture that my company put me through, but couldn't let go of the anger.  I am fighting a battle that I didn't even start.

Those boys were killed in a conflict that started long before any of us were born.  They shouldn't have had to pay the price for this.  Violence of this kind doesn't further a cause, it is just tragic and the result of ignorance.  Pain is begetting pain.  I hope that one day it will stop.  People have been hoping that for thousands of years, but it hasn't happened.  They are just in a long line of casualties in a conflict that most people don't even remember why it started.

The world will probably never make sense.  Bad things happen all the time whether they are deserved or not.  My leaving the company was not a bad thing.  Working there changed my life and put me back on the right direction.  I am compassionate in a world of senselessness.  I am kind where unkindness and blindness are the norm.  I am brave where cowardice is expected.  While the world is being undone by arbitrariness, I will try my hardest to be the change that I want to see.

What I Fear Most

After the events of the past week, I have been writing a complaint.  I have all the "evidence" against me listed and will refute all of it.  I am claiming discrimination based on disability, which is depression.  Not every person with a mental illness is violent nor are they a danger to others.  However, many people have this notion from the constant media coverage of every school shooting focusing on how they were mentally ill.  What I fear the most is the witch hunt, stigma and ostracism of everyone who divulges their mental illness.

I fear that the people with mental health difficulties will always be labeled as crazy and dangerous.  I am not dangerous to myself or others.  Do I show poor judgement?   Unfortunately, that is often.  This happens when I am underemployed and do not use my one talent, my mind.  What they did was add to a problem, not end it.  Compassion heals and solves problems.

I fear that people with any type of mental health condition that disclose to their employers will be put under the same scrutiny that I was.  It was a charge where the odds were stacked against me based on paranoia and hearsay.  The evidence they had would not hold up in court for a commitment hearing because I am not a danger to myself or others.  I am under medical supervision and actively participate in my recovery.  The mind takes longer to heal than the body.

I am glad to be out of that toxic environment, however, I feel sorry for all the good people that are still there, especially him.  He is no longer the person I cared about.  He is withdrawn and rarely makes any jokes or appears to smile like he used to.  He's not the friend I adored.  Everyone deserves better because that company does not care about their employees and is not a positive work environment.  Their communication was also horrible.

I know that this battle will be long and arduous.  I am prepared to fight for people like me who struggle to make it through the day.  I hope that my fear will not be realized.  I hope that we can change as a species and be compassionate towards those that suffer.  Maybe depression will not reach the epidemic proportions that is estimated.  It will take a lot of work, but I can fight.  I am stronger than anyone knows. 

What I Learned

I decided to write a few things that I have learned from my experience at my former company, which was more than slightly awful.  I was working on something else, but this is probably more therapeutic.

I have learned that even if they say they like you, they might be looking to take you down.  I think that when I started I was coming off a bad situation and my self esteem was really low.  The fact that they said I was well liked I internalized it to mean that I could trust them.  That was my mistake.

I have also learned that women can be horrible to other women.  I have never had a problem with a male as a boss or a coworker.  I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that I am not typically female or that I admire men more.  This might be due to my life long fascination and adoration for Freddie Mercury.  It's not because I'm flirty, I think it's because I'm more direct and honest.  This tends to threaten other women.

I have learned that work is another stage.  I am a great actor and have to remember that it's a show.  I'll be another great pretender.  I just have to be upbeat and positive.  I was told once I was a thermometer, which means I am a reflection of the mood of the office.  I am working on trying to bring up the energy in an office when it drags.  I believe in rewards and compliments.  I also believe in honesty and due process.

I have learned that I need people that are on my level.  There is a vast difference between someone with a high school education and a person like me with an MA.  That doesn't mean that I don't have friends who are all MAs, but in a work environment it can make a big difference.  I have been taught to analyze things and solve problems on an advanced level.  I would like to work with people who are at least some what educated.  That way we can have a conversation that is not personal.  Maybe we can discuss Game of Thrones or something.

I have also learned how not to run a company.  Procedures should be standardized throughout a company.  It also helps with communication and performance reviews.

I am fantastic and I will find something.

Feeling Fine

I would like to say looking good and feeling fine, but I have to work on the looking good part.  A thirty pound weight gain from severe stress from the worst job ever.  I am finally going to get back to exercising and eating right.

The eating right part should be easier now that my dad is going to be on a low sodium, low sugar diet to bring down his blood pressure and the cholesterol.  I know that I should work on lowering my cholesterol too.  I am going to start cooking for myself with the time that I have now.

Something is setting off my allergies, but not sure if it's a cold or if my body is destressing from the last year.  I've been learning so much about how awful the company I used to work for was.  I was under investigation for about a year.  I guess standing up for myself against a great evil got me canned in the end.  I found this out from a trusted friend because her coworker was told by my supervisor not to talk to me because I was under investigation.

Depression is a serious medical condition that can interfere with daily life.  Just because I have an illness doesn't mean that I will turn into a violent psychopath and kill people.  I sometimes talk tough so that people won't see how broken I am.  I also couldn't move past my anger at the job for triggering this depression and the loss of a friend.  However, once I was fired, I wasn't angry anymore.  I just pitied all of them for their narrow-mindedness and ignorance.

The fact that the put me under suspension because they thought I would have a violent reaction is insulting.  It's the ones that aren't diagnosed and are not under medical supervision are the ones that I am worried about.  Any professional in the psychiatric industry must report if a patient is a threat to themselves or others.  The patient would be hospitalized and the person who the threat was made against would be informed for their protection.  No direct threat was ever made.  My therapist never saw me as a danger.  Once I was fired, I was free.

What they did was wrong and most likely illegal and that is a road that I will investigate.  However, once that is all done and I'm in a different job, I will rise above them.  I will become a brilliant lawyer and make more money than most of them.  Also, that place will never get a dime of my cash to hold onto. 

I believe that I can be great and that I can help people.  Mostly, I'm feeling fine.

Looking at the Positives

I was officially let go from my job.  I'm really happy about it though because I was holding onto an anger that I couldn't move past.  The only real negatives were the loss of income and insurance.  I got a lot more good things from this than bad things.

I felt free and happy.  I no longer have to see people who lie to my face while stabbing me in the back.  I no longer have to go to NF, which is the place I grew up, but never really belonged.  I got back on track in terms of what I want to do for a career:  I want to become an Employment and Labor law lawyer with a concentration on mental illness.

I was underemployed and underpaid.  I was the subject of a witch hunt the second I stood up for myself and complained about management misconduct.  They waited a year, so that I couldn't claim retaliation.  I will file an EEOC complaint.  It may not go anywhere, but their misconduct needs to be reported. 

I will be able to do some amazing things without working in an repressive ultraconservative environment.  I will always put on the show just like Freddie used to.  I will hopefully find a job where I am useful and can help people in a powerful way. 

I will miss him, but he made his choice.  I could say he chose his poison because that's what my former company was, pure poison.  Everyone I know and cared about will probably be gone from that place very soon.  I pity those that stay.

Now, I can get healthy.  There are some obstacles ahead and a change in priorities.  I will have to find a job and will probably have to apply for benefits under the affordable care act.  I will have to do something with my student loans.  I have the time to get all these tasks done.

I'm looking forward to the future and will work like hell to get myself healthy.  I am going to work on the nonprofit.  My former company was terrible.  Their behavior will not be acceptable one day.  Hopefully, I can bring that out.

If I Had A Little Money

Being an adult is so overrated.  I don't know why kids are in such a rush to grow up and go out into the real world.  It's much more fun to have no responsibility and pretend.

I live in Connecticut, which is one of the most expensive states to live in in the US.  We have an influx of New Yorkers because New York is even more expensive because of their property taxes.  Since, CT is so expensive, a lot of people have to work 2 jobs to make ends meet.  I mean I did my budget and I'm $600 short a month, if I had to do everything by myself.  I personally blame my student loans for a huge chunk of the shortage.

I wish either my job paid more or that I had saved a lot.  Either way, I need to get a second job.  I have put myself online at Wyzant.com for tutoring and I signed up to be a freelance writer for hub pages.  I am not quite sure what I want to write either.  I'm hoping that I can make enough doing that without having to work in retail again.  I had such a bad experience doing that. 

The good thing is that my friend, Casey seems like he wants to move in when his lease is up in January.  Sharing the place would be cheaper for the both of us.  It might also help alleviate some of the loneliness that we both feel.  Don't start thinking like that.  Nothing is going to happen that area.  No more romance for me.

I have to try to save money, but I have never really been good at it.  I am definitely cutting down on my spending and trying to use up the things that I have.  It's not easy because spending money makes people feel good...at least temporarily.  There is only one thing that I want and it comes out in August.  Maybe I can scrape together the $20 for it.

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Well, after the day I had, I will no longer have money for a while.  I got suspended from my job mostly because I can no longer claim retaliation from management for my last discrimination complaint.  I am a liability but this time I will not play games.

Human perception is inherently flawed.  I have not recovered from the depression that they caused since it was almost impossible to not hate what they did.  Apparently they have been investigating me for 2 months and dragged up things that happened 2 years ago.  They also pulled things in from last year when they knew I was severely depressed as well as the year before.

I believe that their actions have been discriminatory.  The fact that I have been ambushed several times and never offered corrective action or anything about the complaints they have put down as to why I am suspended.  I will most likely be terminated and I will take some kind of action.  I would rather be the face of mental illness because I fought it than the people who shoot up schools.  I am so much better than them.

I will survive.  Let them fire me.  They have lost their goodness.  I am hoping to create a place that while disciplinary action can be necessary,  compassion and understanding will matter more.  For all their talk of family, they protect no one.  It is probably the worst company I have ever worked for.

I find it ironic that American culture celebrates individuality, but corporate culture wants people to all be the same and never complain.  If I knew that this was going to happen like this, I would never have strived to do a great job at sales for this company. 

The main reason that I am working on Pile of Good Things is to educate corporations on mental illness, so that they know the difference and the subtleties of different types of mental illness.  The stigma is huge and it is worst at jobs.  If I can change it, I will.

Time to start pounding the pavement again.

Maleficent

Today, I took a personal day, which somehow coincided with my dad's day off.  So we decided to see a movie.  We were between Maleficent and How to Train Your Dragon 2.  We ended up going with Maleficent.  I wanted to share some thoughts on the film.  If you haven't seen it, spoilers are to follow.

*****************************Warning:  SPOILERS***********************************

Ever since I was a young child, Sleeping Beauty was my all time favorite Disney film and part of it was because Maleficent was such a quintissential villain.  There was always something about her not about how she was doing bad things because she was evil but because she was intelligent, interesting and seemingly damaged.  All Disney villains lack some sense of compassion, but it was never explained why.  Disney in the olden days created good people and bad people and there really wasn't anything in between until Maleficent came about.

They show you the back story of Maleficent.  How she was good and kindhearted.  Her only real mistake was falling in love and trusting a human.  Stefan was the boy's name and he would later become king after viciously betraying Maleficent by cutting off her wings and bringing them to the dying king, so that he would be proclaimed heir to the throne.  Needless to say, Maleficent is devastated by the loss of her wings and Stefan's betrayal. 

At that point, Maleficent turns dark, bent on revenge upon Stefan, which she gets by cursing his new daughter, Aurora.  Before she gets to the pricking her finger on a spinning wheel part of the curse, she gives Aurora a gift of having anyone who meets Aurora love her.  That is the important part because even Maleficent cares for her. Maleficent then watches over the child, referring to Aurora as Beastie.  This is probably a great thing because the 3 fairies that watch over her are inept and would have probably let Aurora starve.  They also let her run off a cliff after a butterfly, which Maleficent saves her from too. Maleficent takes care of Aurora initially to ensure that the curse comes into being, but that changes over time as most things tend to do.

The interesting thing about Maleficent's magic is that when she is doing good her powers are shown as gold, when evil, the powers are shown as green.  As the relationship with Aurora goes on, Maleficent starts to soften and care for the girl.  Aurora even calls her Fairy Godmother. They meet and spend a lot of time together on the Moors where the fairy folk live.  Maleficent thinks that maybe Aurora is the one that can stop all the bad things that have happened and she tries to lift the curse.  Unfortunately, no earthly power can undo the curse and only true love's kiss can break the spell.

To protect Aurora, King Stefan sent Aurora away.  However, as the years pass, Stefan becomes obsessed with destroying Maleficent.  This becomes very frightening because this obsession leads to paranoia, which leads Stefan to become a terrible king.  He orders the iron workers to work night and day on defenses, is abusive to his knights and ignores his Queen to have a conversation with Maleficent's taken wings while the Queen is dying.  I've seen this level of paranoia and it is toxic.  The one who is paranoid thinks that they are protecting the ones they love, but in reality it's a sickness of the mind that destroys all.

When Aurora finds out the truth of who she is and what had happened to her as a baby, she runs away from Maleficent after confronting her and towards the Castle and Stefan.  Stefan is too consumed with destroying Maleficent to have a happy reunion with his daughter, so he has her locked up for her protection, of course.  However, the curse is already at work and Aurora does prick her finger and fall asleep forever.  Maleficent was riding with Prince Philip, who was in an enchantment induced sleep to try to stop the curse from taking place but she is too late. 

With little thought for herself, she takes Philip and her raven into the castle to try to undo the curse with Philip giving Aurora true love's kiss at 16 like what Stefan had given to Maleficent when she turned 16.  The worst part is neither Stefan nor Maleficent believe in true love because of what has happened n the past. Philip's kiss, although having the right intentions, does not work. The most poignant thing, is the Maleficent apologizes for what she has done because she loves Aurora and swears no harm will come to her as long as Maleficent lives.  She kisses Aurora on the forehead and Aurora awakens saying, "Hello Godmother."  Maleficent replies, "Hello, Beastie."

That was the most important scene in the film for me because true love isn't about a romantic partner.  Love in any form is pure, transformative and good.  The thing about the word love, due in part to Disney films and American culture, is only used for referring to a romantic partner or your family.  That is something that I have always fought against.  I don't think I will ever find a boyfriend/husband and I don't think that that is something that will make me any less lonely.  I can love someone and not be in love with them.  Anything done with the intention of love whether it be platonic, familial or romantic must be true.  I am so glad that it was Disney that decided to change this perception that something other than romantic love is true love and can break a spell.

The other thing that was great about this film is that Maleficent was both hero and villain because while she caused so much ill, she tried to make things better.  Stefan on the other hand was consumed by his greed, his obsession and his paranoia.  We both have good and bad inside us.  We can all change and sometimes a person, not a romance, can change us for the better and make us good again.

I suggest that everyone see this movie because true love is more than a romantic partner/spouse.  True love can come from anyone, if you let it.