I've been dealing with depression in some way since I was about 12 years old. Not sure if it was puberty that started it or low thyroid, either way, it doesn't matter. Depression doesn't need a reason to exist. It exists like cancer exists...because it does. I've worked really hard to become some form of stable, but the depression doesn't really go away.
I know that there is beauty in the world and in life, but sometimes I just don't care. Depression is very self centered and it lies. I sometimes think that if I was 50 pounds lighter I'd be happy. I was 50 pounds lighter in the past 18 years and that didn't make me any happier. While being thinner will not make me happy, it would improve my overall health.
I know the world can be a very ugly place. There are whole groups of people that hate each other for a reason no one really remembers. There are people getting murdered for no other reason than that they can be. My depression makes me not care about the world, it makes me just want to sit and stare or sleep. It takes all the good and enjoyable things and turns them hollow. Cooking, eating, sex, baths, reading, etc, whatever it is just doesn't hold any interest. This is something that takes great effort to fight.
I have good days and bad days. Something can trigger my depression to go from almost non existent to full blown. Usually it has to do with losing friends or potential relationships. Part of that is because I haven't gotten over Rose. When it's too much, I write to him. It's a letter he will never read, but it makes me feel better.
What set me off this time was that I was seeing a guy, who I really liked, I thought everything was going well and we were on the same page. Suddenly he decided that he only wanted friends. I have friends and I think it's harder to be my friend. I expect a lot of my friends. They are the ones that deal directly with my bad days. This guy believes that he can't fall in love. I didn't think I could I was 25, then I met Rose. I think he's going through a lot at the moment and I should be more understanding, but the truth is that I'm devastated. It seemed like we were making plans, but then I'm back to being someone that is not a priority. I had such hopes. I felt like pre-trauma me where I could be playful and loving. Maybe that part of me can come back, but I need someone to draw it out of me. I'm not like that with most people.
For now, it's back to being the loneliest person in the universe. I have to get my finances back in order, start making more money and maybe gaining my health back. Depression will be there, but I just have to get back on track. Maybe no dating or looking for anyone for a while.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
When It's Still There
Slowly life moves on, but the emotional state is more difficult to change. Sometimes an off hand comment or a confession can bring back the trauma. I had that happen, which made me realize that I'm still in the middle of trauma recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
I'm Doing Everything Wrong
Well not everything, but I'm not following my wellness plan as well as I should be. I'm on track with cooking, taking my meds and going to therapy, but that's it. I'm not reading as much or seeing friends or doing enjoyable activities like coloring or drawing. I'm also not eating too well or exercising.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Happiness and Fifty Shades
I have been really happy recently. There is no particular reason for it. Aside from my debt, my life is pretty decent. I have food to eat and a place to live. I have a job that I do well at. I have people that I like and friends that I hang out with. Sure I don't see them as often because of work, but I don't cancel plans with them. I think I'm starting to really enjoy life again.
It's not perfect, but I'm learning. Electricity and debt are my biggest worries because they have to be managed better. Electric heat is tricky to gauge. I think I have finally figured it out though. I get to start winterizing my apartment next month.
I think I enjoy what I do for my day job. It has given me the confidence to move forward. I don't second guess myself at work. Do I get cranky? Of course, especially after a 12 hour day or 6 days in a row. However, I think I'm starting to me more understanding and compassionate to the patients. Well, at least to a certain degree as some of them are spoiled crazy people. Also many of my coworkers are intelligent and sarcastic.
I've come to realize that the imbeciles at the bank didn't win. They didn't break me or destroy me. I am a million times better than any of them and I matter. I will make more of an impact on this world than that company ever could. This isn't arrogance; this is strength. This is confidence in myself, but I'm not confident in my body.
The battle with my weight is ongoing as it's difficult to eat healthy when your job stocks chips, soda and candy. The soda is the most difficult thing for me to stop. I don't keep it in the apartment, but when you're rarely there, it's difficult to resist the quick caffeine when it is needed. As for exercise, I still haven't found a routine that works. Again it's difficult when my average shift is 10 hours. I'll figure it out soon enough.
As for Fifty Shades. I'm on the third book and I'm tired of the characters. I know it's erotica, but their development is stagnant and sappy. I liked the first two. The books remind me of someone that I cared for very much. Reading the books made me think that while sex and relationships are interesting, I'm still finding myself, so I am not ready for someone else.
It's OK to be alone while you're healing. Besides, I always have the Doctor.
It's not perfect, but I'm learning. Electricity and debt are my biggest worries because they have to be managed better. Electric heat is tricky to gauge. I think I have finally figured it out though. I get to start winterizing my apartment next month.
I think I enjoy what I do for my day job. It has given me the confidence to move forward. I don't second guess myself at work. Do I get cranky? Of course, especially after a 12 hour day or 6 days in a row. However, I think I'm starting to me more understanding and compassionate to the patients. Well, at least to a certain degree as some of them are spoiled crazy people. Also many of my coworkers are intelligent and sarcastic.
I've come to realize that the imbeciles at the bank didn't win. They didn't break me or destroy me. I am a million times better than any of them and I matter. I will make more of an impact on this world than that company ever could. This isn't arrogance; this is strength. This is confidence in myself, but I'm not confident in my body.
The battle with my weight is ongoing as it's difficult to eat healthy when your job stocks chips, soda and candy. The soda is the most difficult thing for me to stop. I don't keep it in the apartment, but when you're rarely there, it's difficult to resist the quick caffeine when it is needed. As for exercise, I still haven't found a routine that works. Again it's difficult when my average shift is 10 hours. I'll figure it out soon enough.
As for Fifty Shades. I'm on the third book and I'm tired of the characters. I know it's erotica, but their development is stagnant and sappy. I liked the first two. The books remind me of someone that I cared for very much. Reading the books made me think that while sex and relationships are interesting, I'm still finding myself, so I am not ready for someone else.
It's OK to be alone while you're healing. Besides, I always have the Doctor.
Friday, October 16, 2015
The Hard Part
Eventually, you move on. You find other people to fill your life with, but it's not the same. It's never the same. I don't have a person yet who I talk to all day long and they talk to me. Yes, I have friends, but this person wasn't my boyfriend. He was more like my mentor or protector.
It's the Fall that is hard for me, especially the warm days because I remember the hug. I remember his smile. There are days that I am happy, but when I'm home by myself after an 11 hour day, I feel the void. That's the hard part. I still haven't quite figured out how to fill the void.
I am moving on. I'm selling my shoes. They remind me of Rose because he loved shoes. It was probably a fetish, but I also no longer have a place or reason to wear them. I can't wear heels in the pharmacy on an 11 hour shift. My feet hurt after wearing sneakers or clogs. Whatever money I get off of them will go towards bills.
I still have a lot of medical bills and bills in general, which is dragging. The good thing is that I'm caught up on the things that I need. Next purchase is a bra since one of mine lost the underwire. I might wait till the post holiday sales to get that. There might also be some gift cards from my birthday. I also have to look for a new car or a lease.
I don't have anyone to talk about this things with other than my parents who live in a different country. Rose would know what to do, at least when it came to me. I just don't know how to fix the loneliness.
It's the Fall that is hard for me, especially the warm days because I remember the hug. I remember his smile. There are days that I am happy, but when I'm home by myself after an 11 hour day, I feel the void. That's the hard part. I still haven't quite figured out how to fill the void.
I am moving on. I'm selling my shoes. They remind me of Rose because he loved shoes. It was probably a fetish, but I also no longer have a place or reason to wear them. I can't wear heels in the pharmacy on an 11 hour shift. My feet hurt after wearing sneakers or clogs. Whatever money I get off of them will go towards bills.
I still have a lot of medical bills and bills in general, which is dragging. The good thing is that I'm caught up on the things that I need. Next purchase is a bra since one of mine lost the underwire. I might wait till the post holiday sales to get that. There might also be some gift cards from my birthday. I also have to look for a new car or a lease.
I don't have anyone to talk about this things with other than my parents who live in a different country. Rose would know what to do, at least when it came to me. I just don't know how to fix the loneliness.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Forgiveness
Today was Yom Kippur and it's the day of atonement. This is a day when Jews ask for forgiveness from God and from others from sins that were don consciously or unconsciously. I think my major sin this year has been that I have been neglectful of my relationships and commitments. I have been neglectful of this blog because I've been caught up in stupid stuff. For this, I ask your forgiveness.
As this is a new year for Jewish people, I have a few things that I'm working on that are my goals for the upcoming year. One of the things that I am continuing is to get healthy. I still have at least 50 pounds to lose, which may take 2 more years. The next goal is to get my finances in order, which will also take a year plus to do. Those are my main two long term goals.
As for short term goals, I have a few. The first is to take my national certification for pharmacy. I would love to be able to get more money and be able to have a career in pharmacy as I really do enjoy it. I also want to finish researching and come up with a cost plan for Pile of Good Things. It's a cause that is still relevant to what is going on in many capitalist countries, but I will start small. Mental health effects everyone. I would also like to finish my writing course. I have 20 lectures left.
I also hope to be a better friend and writer this coming year.
As this is a new year for Jewish people, I have a few things that I'm working on that are my goals for the upcoming year. One of the things that I am continuing is to get healthy. I still have at least 50 pounds to lose, which may take 2 more years. The next goal is to get my finances in order, which will also take a year plus to do. Those are my main two long term goals.
As for short term goals, I have a few. The first is to take my national certification for pharmacy. I would love to be able to get more money and be able to have a career in pharmacy as I really do enjoy it. I also want to finish researching and come up with a cost plan for Pile of Good Things. It's a cause that is still relevant to what is going on in many capitalist countries, but I will start small. Mental health effects everyone. I would also like to finish my writing course. I have 20 lectures left.
I also hope to be a better friend and writer this coming year.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Good Things
I feel like good things are finally happening, well...at least in my career. I just got promoted to Inventory Specialist, which is a great way for me to learn a segment of management. Since I already got a raise this year, I might not get one, but they are trying for it, since it is more responsibility.
I did apply for the trainer position , but didn't get it. However, I have been promoted twice in a year. This promotion is administrative, not supervisory. I do get to delegate some tasks, so that we are ensuring patient safety. We dispose of expired and damaged drugs. I will also be in charge of making sure what is on the shelves is what is in the systems. I think I'm better suited for this than I am dealing with people.
One of the things that I'm working on in therapy is starting to like people again. I can't stand most of humanity because a majority of people are terrible or stupid or both. The odd thing is that I'm good with most kids and people that I train. I don't know if I rationalize that set of people into the fact that they haven't learned things yet. It is easier to deal with them.
I still miss having people in my life that I can talk to about anything. My parents don't count because they will always be weird. I'm not sure if I want a relationship or what. I miss being able to hang out with my friends. Being an adult is kinda shitty.
I did apply for the trainer position , but didn't get it. However, I have been promoted twice in a year. This promotion is administrative, not supervisory. I do get to delegate some tasks, so that we are ensuring patient safety. We dispose of expired and damaged drugs. I will also be in charge of making sure what is on the shelves is what is in the systems. I think I'm better suited for this than I am dealing with people.
One of the things that I'm working on in therapy is starting to like people again. I can't stand most of humanity because a majority of people are terrible or stupid or both. The odd thing is that I'm good with most kids and people that I train. I don't know if I rationalize that set of people into the fact that they haven't learned things yet. It is easier to deal with them.
I still miss having people in my life that I can talk to about anything. My parents don't count because they will always be weird. I'm not sure if I want a relationship or what. I miss being able to hang out with my friends. Being an adult is kinda shitty.
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