There are things that still make me very sad. One of them is the assumption that I have the same relationship with my parents that my brother has. I do not in the slightest. I might not have gotten along with my mother as a teenager, but I do now. I don't think any teenage girl really gets along with their mom. There are books written about it. If you did get along with your mother from age 12-22, then you might be an anomaly.
My brother got married this past weekend and while I am happy for him and like my sister in law, this wedding had more drama than I would have liked. I also felt like I was an outsider. I'm not as close with my brother as I would like because we are quite different. The thing that really upset me was that it seemed that my mother was treated as a problem. My brother doesn't know how to deal with my mom because she is hyper and needs to know everything. It can be frustrating, but that is who she is.
At the rehearsal dinner there is a tradition that candy is thrown at the bride and groom for a sweet life and sing some songs. My mother wanted to celebrate this tradition so I made sure that gummy candy was bought, which was soft. I don't have a lot of extra money to spend, so getting this candy was not entirely in my budget. There could have been a compromise of throwing the candy in the air. Instead, the best man took the candy and hid it, so the tradition was not done. I mean there were 70 people at this dinner and probably only 50 pieces of candy. I did not know that the best man was intentionally told to take the candy till after the wedding.
On the day of the wedding, the hair and make up for my mother was done in our hotel room instead of the bridal suite. That's fine as it was not a major thing. My mom had family that could occupy the rest of the time. However, at the rehearsal dinner there were some major cock ups done by the restaurant, so my mom was trying to fix them. When my mom came to the sweet to let the mother of the bride know so she could get the refund or discount, my mom was barred from entering the room by another bridesmaid. This clearly upset my mother. After I had finished with my hair and make-up, I left the suite and never went back because I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the day. It was about my brother and his fiance, now wife, not the petty drama.
The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception was fun. There were 2 things that made me sad during the reception. The first was the band playing, "I Will Always Love You" because it reminded me of Rose (the song lyrics are actually quite sad as it's about not being with someone you love because you aren't good for them). The second was seeing my mom looking so sad. She was being cordial and nice all weekend. She went along with the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner even though there were others that would have been nicer in my opinion. She felt rejected and that made me sad.
It is said that weddings are for the bride and her family. I'm not sure if that's an American thing or if I have a different view. I would like to plan things with my intended together. It's a day for family and celebration. While this was the happiest day for my brother and his wife, it looked to be the saddest day for my mother. She could not get home fast enough.
I know when I got home all I wanted to do was see my guy, but I don't know when that will be. I don't know if I will ever have a wedding. I'm not mad at my brother or my sister in law. I just wish things turned out differently. I know that these events even upset my dad. It takes a lot to upset him. I'm glad to be back home where I can sleep. I don't mean any offense by any of this. It's just that some drama makes me sad.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Failure
I'm not sure if I've failed or not. I mean I have a job and a place to live. I have food to eat (for now) and I supposedly have friends. However, I struggle a lot more than I probably should. I cry most of the time when I'm paying bills. I have cut expenses where I can, but I still don't have enough to live comfortably. This is part of the reason that I have no social life.
I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. Mental illnesses are still stigmatized. Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable. I still have massive amounts of debt. I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.
My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees. I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low. I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable. A problem with that is debt. Brian did school part time and worked. His debt will be a fraction of what mine is.
I still don't feel really close to anyone. I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me. Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time. I also don't really have money to have an active social life. Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.
A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids. I have no interest in buying a house. Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be. I think maybe I would like to be married. I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of. I don't know if I'll find that though.
There are days when I miss Rose. He liked the real me. I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side.
There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful. I don't feel very passionate about anything. It's still about surviving and I want something more.
I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. Mental illnesses are still stigmatized. Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable. I still have massive amounts of debt. I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.
My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees. I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low. I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable. A problem with that is debt. Brian did school part time and worked. His debt will be a fraction of what mine is.
I still don't feel really close to anyone. I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me. Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time. I also don't really have money to have an active social life. Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.
A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids. I have no interest in buying a house. Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be. I think maybe I would like to be married. I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of. I don't know if I'll find that though.
There are days when I miss Rose. He liked the real me. I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side.
There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful. I don't feel very passionate about anything. It's still about surviving and I want something more.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Debt
The worst part about debt is not having a social life. I don't really have money to go out and do things that involve others. I can't afford to go to the movies anymore really unless it's the discount theater. I can't really afford to go out to eat or get coffee. I have food, but a lot of it is canned or dried so that I can use it for when I don't have money (usually the summer).
I'm trying to pay things off. I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect. It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money. I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month. I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.
Overcoming a trauma is never easy. Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years. I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy. I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight. I don't like my body. I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah. I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy. As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married. I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America. I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful. I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate.
A lot of people tell me to be more positive. I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy. I'm tired of having less than nothing. All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn. Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left.
While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma. My life kind of stopped for 2 years. I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person. Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic. If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen. It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose. I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything. I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.
Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness. Mostly because they can. Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy. I'm not any of those things really. My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding. He hasn't had to be on his own yet. He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it. I wish I didn't have to care about money.
Sometimes you just need support. I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me. Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
I'm trying to pay things off. I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect. It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money. I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month. I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.
Overcoming a trauma is never easy. Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years. I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy. I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight. I don't like my body. I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah. I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy. As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married. I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America. I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful. I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate.
A lot of people tell me to be more positive. I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy. I'm tired of having less than nothing. All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn. Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left.
While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma. My life kind of stopped for 2 years. I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person. Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic. If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen. It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose. I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything. I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.
Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness. Mostly because they can. Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy. I'm not any of those things really. My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding. He hasn't had to be on his own yet. He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it. I wish I didn't have to care about money.
Sometimes you just need support. I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me. Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
The System is Broken
My companion is a politically minded guy. He is a Bernie Sanders supporter, while I am not into any candidate. I might write myself in. The point is that this system that we have right now is broken. I can attest to that because of the cost of living and healthcare.
A year ago today, I spent a few hours in crisis intervention. It has taken me a year to pay off that bill for the simple reason that they billed the wrong insurance....3 times. Now that it's fixed, I paid the balance off on my credit card which I will reimburse myself with my HSA. The thing that irks me is that healthcare is way too expensive. A blood test at the hospital should not cost $1000. That is ludicrous. In comparison with other industrialized countries, we have to pay for an ER visit. Other countries with socialized medicine on some scale is paid for by taxes and/or covered by the insurance completely. The cost of hospitals might also be the reason why Urgent Care clinics have popped up more frequently. The downside is that these clinics can't fix everything. They can't really do crisis intervention.
While I work 40 hours a week and tutor, I cannot afford my own cost of living on my own. Part of that was heavy debt from living on my own for the first time. The electric bill was the worst along with car repairs on a dying car. The car is at least 1/5th of my credit card debt. Due to all this, I don't do as many social activities as I would like. I don't go to movies anymore because it costs too much. I don't go out to bars or dinner a lot because I don't want people to pay for me. I also had to cut out fresh fish because it's too expensive.
I do plan to fix my finances in the next few years. It does take a while to pay off debt. I have gone off Pristiq, which is saving me $250 a year and I don't have to see that doctor anymore either, which is a $400 savings as well. Like I said, healthcare in this country is still too expensive. The healthcare reform act did not do enough to make healthcare affordable. I don't know how people with worse chronic health issues can afford to live.
There are still good things in my life. I just have to work at getting to them more. I have to look into free or low cost alternatives to get my social life back together. I do a lot of stuff with my companion, who doesn't mind paying. I make up for that by cooking for him and foot massages. I do have some very supportive friends as well. I'd rather just spend time with people then go out and spend money with them. I'm not really a home-body, but debt has made me one.
After getting debt in check, the last major obstacle of overcoming the trauma is getting my weight in check. Moving forward at a turtle's pace.
A year ago today, I spent a few hours in crisis intervention. It has taken me a year to pay off that bill for the simple reason that they billed the wrong insurance....3 times. Now that it's fixed, I paid the balance off on my credit card which I will reimburse myself with my HSA. The thing that irks me is that healthcare is way too expensive. A blood test at the hospital should not cost $1000. That is ludicrous. In comparison with other industrialized countries, we have to pay for an ER visit. Other countries with socialized medicine on some scale is paid for by taxes and/or covered by the insurance completely. The cost of hospitals might also be the reason why Urgent Care clinics have popped up more frequently. The downside is that these clinics can't fix everything. They can't really do crisis intervention.
While I work 40 hours a week and tutor, I cannot afford my own cost of living on my own. Part of that was heavy debt from living on my own for the first time. The electric bill was the worst along with car repairs on a dying car. The car is at least 1/5th of my credit card debt. Due to all this, I don't do as many social activities as I would like. I don't go to movies anymore because it costs too much. I don't go out to bars or dinner a lot because I don't want people to pay for me. I also had to cut out fresh fish because it's too expensive.
I do plan to fix my finances in the next few years. It does take a while to pay off debt. I have gone off Pristiq, which is saving me $250 a year and I don't have to see that doctor anymore either, which is a $400 savings as well. Like I said, healthcare in this country is still too expensive. The healthcare reform act did not do enough to make healthcare affordable. I don't know how people with worse chronic health issues can afford to live.
There are still good things in my life. I just have to work at getting to them more. I have to look into free or low cost alternatives to get my social life back together. I do a lot of stuff with my companion, who doesn't mind paying. I make up for that by cooking for him and foot massages. I do have some very supportive friends as well. I'd rather just spend time with people then go out and spend money with them. I'm not really a home-body, but debt has made me one.
After getting debt in check, the last major obstacle of overcoming the trauma is getting my weight in check. Moving forward at a turtle's pace.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Fixing Things
I've been working on fixing parts of my life. The primary focus at the moment is my health. However, I have a huge challenge there: sugar. I have a major sweet tooth, which is partially why I am so heavy. It looks like I will have to learn moderation and cut out soda. With Thyroid issues, many people crave salty foods, which can cause blood pressure issues. I've never had major cravings for salty food. I have to continue teaching myself how to eat healthy.
The other thing I have to do to fix my life is work out. Now that I'm no longer on Pristiq, I need something to keep the dopamine and norepinepherine up. I have to figure out some type of routine where I can get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise in at least 4 days a week. I also need the weight to go down because I am prediabetic. I weigh 229 pounds, which is way too high. The thinnest I ever was post high school was 178 pounds. I liked being that weight. I think that that would be a manageable healthy weight for me. Maybe I would be able to get off metformin that way or at least reduce it.
I'm starting on birth control for the first time. Not because I'm out to be a super slut, but because I'm tired of the hormone imbalance. I have facial hair that can rival a man. I am also 30 and still get acne. Aldactone, which is supposed to stop the testosterone doesn't work for me. I'm hoping that the birth control will even out some of my other aesthetic problems. We'll see how it goes. I start on that on Sunday.
Aside from my finances, which is a very slow process, the rest of my life seems pretty good. I have great friends. I have a companion who I see regularly. He is cute and nerdy, which works well for me. I know that it won't be the same with Rose, but that's ok. I'm having fun with my companion.
I think the things that are my goals to fix this year are my health and finances. Being an adult is kind of boring sometimes.
The other thing I have to do to fix my life is work out. Now that I'm no longer on Pristiq, I need something to keep the dopamine and norepinepherine up. I have to figure out some type of routine where I can get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise in at least 4 days a week. I also need the weight to go down because I am prediabetic. I weigh 229 pounds, which is way too high. The thinnest I ever was post high school was 178 pounds. I liked being that weight. I think that that would be a manageable healthy weight for me. Maybe I would be able to get off metformin that way or at least reduce it.
I'm starting on birth control for the first time. Not because I'm out to be a super slut, but because I'm tired of the hormone imbalance. I have facial hair that can rival a man. I am also 30 and still get acne. Aldactone, which is supposed to stop the testosterone doesn't work for me. I'm hoping that the birth control will even out some of my other aesthetic problems. We'll see how it goes. I start on that on Sunday.
Aside from my finances, which is a very slow process, the rest of my life seems pretty good. I have great friends. I have a companion who I see regularly. He is cute and nerdy, which works well for me. I know that it won't be the same with Rose, but that's ok. I'm having fun with my companion.
I think the things that are my goals to fix this year are my health and finances. Being an adult is kind of boring sometimes.
Friday, February 19, 2016
New Chapter
Since I called out sick today, as I have a cold, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. I figured out a few weeks ago that everything I had related to Doomsday is gone. I have a new car as the car I drove at that time was auctioned off for parts. The phone I had is now in a drawer with a shattered screen. Even the sweater I wore on that day is gone. It was a brown and gold sweater, which I loved, but it got too big for me, so I donated it. I don't have a lot of the friends I had either.
This new chapter in my life has a new car, phone, wardrobe and companion. It also has about $80k in debt. A majority of that is student loans. A bit of it is medical debt, car loan and then finally credit cards. The medical debt stresses me out more than the credit cards because I shouldn't have that kind of debt. I also have to add more money to my credit card debt to make it to my brother's wedding as a round trip flight will cost about $375, which is going to add to the debt.
I know that I will be able to pay all these things off eventually. In the present, it's very overwhelming to know that all your pays goes to bills. I've had to cut out movies, vacations, pedicures, eating lamb and fish, and alcohol all because of debt. Not that being at the bank would solve this. I switched careers and it will take me another 2 years to reach a living wage in my state.
I have paid off 2 out of the 6 of my credit cards because last summer I had to live off them and pay for things on my old car. I know that I'm never going to be rich. While I have a graduate degree, it hasn't turned into a career because for history, you pretty much need a PhD and have to wait for someone to die.
While I am starting a new chapter of my life, it's starting with a heavy financial burden. I can attack it slowly. I know that this will effect my credit score, but I also don't intend to buy a house ever. I just wish it was easier for me, so that I could enjoy my life more now that I'm better.
This new chapter in my life has a new car, phone, wardrobe and companion. It also has about $80k in debt. A majority of that is student loans. A bit of it is medical debt, car loan and then finally credit cards. The medical debt stresses me out more than the credit cards because I shouldn't have that kind of debt. I also have to add more money to my credit card debt to make it to my brother's wedding as a round trip flight will cost about $375, which is going to add to the debt.
I know that I will be able to pay all these things off eventually. In the present, it's very overwhelming to know that all your pays goes to bills. I've had to cut out movies, vacations, pedicures, eating lamb and fish, and alcohol all because of debt. Not that being at the bank would solve this. I switched careers and it will take me another 2 years to reach a living wage in my state.
I have paid off 2 out of the 6 of my credit cards because last summer I had to live off them and pay for things on my old car. I know that I'm never going to be rich. While I have a graduate degree, it hasn't turned into a career because for history, you pretty much need a PhD and have to wait for someone to die.
While I am starting a new chapter of my life, it's starting with a heavy financial burden. I can attack it slowly. I know that this will effect my credit score, but I also don't intend to buy a house ever. I just wish it was easier for me, so that I could enjoy my life more now that I'm better.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Three Years Later
My life changed three years ago today. I refer to it as Doomsday. I'm not going to talk about the event itself because part of it is still too painful to talk about. I still haven't given the full details to my companion. The consequences of the event were a loss of 2 years due to depression and several friends. I do not want to dwell on the bad, I want to focus on what I've accomplished. I am definitely a survivor and plan to make my story matter.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
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