Changes

All these changes are still making me sad. 

I had a fight with my mom a few days ago because she said I was using my depression as an excuse to not help with the move.  It was just really difficult for me.  My childhood home is gone.  I mean the last few years there were not great, but it was my home base.

I'm trying to get used to being clean and having a smaller space.  My bedroom is bigger than my old one though.  I am still lonely.  I had my friend Casey come by for a few hours.  I know that he is lonely too.  He doesn't have many friends and I think it was beneficial for both of us to just spend time with each other. 

I went to therapy today and we discussed the move.  My therapist said that anxiety will kick up during a move and it's worse for people that have an anxiety disorder like I do.  It's made worse by the amount of things that are still left to go through and sort out.  I have to keep reminding myself to go through 1 box a day and should have most things done by the end of June.  I do want to have a house warming party at the end of June.

I'm going to a race tomorrow with my dad.  I know it's going to be one of the last things that we do together because my parents are moving out of the country in September.  I'm looking forward to it, but it is a little sad.

I am hoping that things will get better in time.  I feel a bit out of control.  I need to find the balance between responsibility and fun.  I'm going to try to tutor to make some extra money.  Being busy might lessen my loneliness. The loneliness usually hits around 10 pm because I realize that he's not there.  Yet everything reminds me of him. 

It's exhausting going through this change.  I just have to do it in bite sized chunks.  I will get there eventually.  I'm trying, which is all that I can do.

Closed

My house is officially sold.  They closed on it today, so it's gone.  I'm glad that I don't have to be around my horrible neighbors because they were ignorant and uneducated.  I cannot abide ignorance.  While most ignorance can be cured by education, theirs never will because they are also irrational.  However, I had some good memories in that house and I will miss my old bedroom. 

I like my new apartment even though it is still covered in boxes and I can't find anything.  I have a schedule of things that I have to get done because I need to get things done.  I need to live in a clean place.  I do have a lot of things, but I love them.  I love my tea cups, wedgwood, and Doctor Who figures.  I'm going to get rid of extra things that I do not need like some clothes, kitchen utensils and extra lamps.  I don't have the storage space here that I did in my house.

I'm glad that I did get some white violets from the house for myself.  That was one of my favorite things about the house.   I loved the yard.  I grew up there and there are still buried dinosaurs in the yard.  I had lots of parties in that house.  It wasn't always well kept, but it's where I grew up.

Lonely

I have finished moving everything out of the house and now my apartment looks like a bomb hit it.  I think I have 6 lamps.  I think that may be a bit too many.  There is one that I will be getting rid of.  I look at everything I have and I get sad.  It's just too much stuff.

I used to have someone to talk to all the time, now, I'm back inside my own head.  I'm trying to write more in my journal and on here.  I am also trying to explore my new town.  I had Ming Garden Chinese take out today.  I had curry chicken, which turns out to be my favorite because this is the only one I've tried that doesn't have mushrooms.  It's also quite close... about a 10 minute walk.

I still feel very different from everyone else, which is something that I've been struggling with forever.  I don't know if it's my intelligence or my ESP or something else, but I am different.  Maybe I am just a time lord who is stuck. 

I think I will be less stressed when I start to settle in a bit more.  All the things for a tag sale are going to be staying in a car because we don't have room to store them in an apartment. I also need a bookshelf.  Anything that looks like it belongs in Hampton Court Palace would work for me.  I want to pretend to have a palace even though I can't afford it.

I swear my mom has a ton more stuff than I do.  There are just piles everywhere.  I'm hoping to at least have my closet done tomorrow.  It would be nice to finish something in this crazy place.  I feel like it's a hotel and not the apartment I rent.  I still worry about how I'm going to pay for it.  I will probably need to get a little part time job where I only work 15 hours or less a week.  Maybe I'll tutor.

I miss having someone to talk to about my life.  I know that most of my life is boring, but it was nice having someone that cared.  I liked caring about someone too.  Maybe I'm meant to be lonely, so that I can care more.  Compassion is a gift, but at times, it's isolating because no one can give as much as me.

Overwhelmed

I was so overwhelmed today with the amount of stuff that I am still bringing into my apartment.  There are boxes piled up in every room and the closet.  I actually cried for 20 minutes today because I don't know where everything will go.  I already have 2 boxes for a tag sale or donations. 

I can barely move and I feel like I'm in an episode of hoarders.  I found a blanket in a basket that I swear we got rid of 6 years ago, but apparently it's just been in a closet for all that time.  I think we will also be getting take out for a while since I have no way to reach the stove and oven to cook. 

I feel like I've been sweating forever.  I know that the dust will kick up again, so I have to keep hydrated and wear a mask.  I just wish everything was settled because I can't deal with all this junk anymore.

Moving In Day 7

So today was going back and forth from the apartment and the house.  I still have more stuff to bring over and I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.  There is just too much stuff.  I know that it's 3 people's stuff over the last 30 years, but I swear my mother but in a bottle of baby oil from when I was a baby.  She says it still smells good.

I am just inundated with stuff and a lot of it is probably things that I don't need.  I mean there is a thing of 25 rolls of toilet paper.  I will probably be set for a few months there.  My parents will help rearrange the place, but it's just so overwhelming.  I never realized how much stuff I had until I moved to a smaller place and started tripping over everything.  It's not the furniture, but just boxes everywhere. 

I'm just so tired of all this shit.  I need help with this.  I'm going to hide in my bed.

I've also been dreaming about him because I miss him.  I'm becoming what I'm supposed to be, but it's pretty lonely.

Moving In Day 5 & 6

So, I finally have internet and cable in my new place.  Yay!  It's going to take a few weeks to figure out where everything is going to go.  Let's start by the official move of yesterday.

I got up early and had official movers come in and move the furniture.  I don't have a great amount furniture, but some of them were heavy and my apartment is on the second floor.  I had a couch, a bed, 2 TVs an stands, a dresser and a few tables.  We used Vanguard Logistics from Bethel.  They were very professional and very quick.  They came at 8, were done taking things from the house to the apartment and were done by noon.  I think they found a personal item in my former bedroom, which they put in a drawer.  They didn't say anything and I'm sure they've seen worse.  They were very professional and I highly recommend them to anyone that is moving.

The rest of the day was spent moving some things that were not included in the manifest for the movers.  I also started setting up my new place so that I could shower and sleep.  Sleeping in the new place is kind of odd.  I did wake up in the middle of the night because it was a new place and had trouble falling asleep since there was someone snoring very loudly in a different apartment.

Today, I got up and started to dig through boxes to figure out where my stuff was.  My friend Casey came in at 9:30 and we started sorting through things.  We went through my clothes that were in 4 big suitcases.  I have waaayyy too many clothes.  My dresser is basically completely full.   We moved my jewelery case from one room to the other.  We also started going through boxes, which led to use setting up part of my DVD collection.  We then went to famous pizza for lunch.  AT&T came to set up my internet and cable.  Casey then left for work.

My friend Jana came over about 30 minutes later and we went through the mountain of boxes in my living room.  A lot of them were books or things for my bedroom, so they just went into my room to be sorted at a later date.  I also found 4 teapots of different sizes and colors.  I don't think I will get rid of the teapots, but some of the other things, definitely.  I got rid of some clothes already and a few things in the kitchen. 

The only thing I'm freaking out about is there is a small white box that has my extra meds in it that I can't find. My extra anti-depressants are in there.  I should be ok but I need to find it soon.  I know that I shouldn't suddenly stop a medication like that.  I won't get the pills till Tuesday, which will be expensive.  I may not need the anti-depressants for much longer, but this isn't a great way to go off them.  I will be looking tomorrow very hard. 

Tomorrow is going back to the house and cleaning it.  I also have to go on a trip to Target.  I need a lamp for my bedroom because it is dark in that room.  I'm having fun figuring out my new place and the town I live in.

Moving In Day 4

Today was the final cleaning day as well as moving in more of my stuff.  Yes, I still have a lot of things.  I pared down a lot of my collections, but I will still need a bookshelf of some kind.  I got rid of all mine. 

I was kind of dysphoric today when I got up because it is the last day in the house that I grew up in.  I did plant my white violets in a pot, but I've never really been anywhere else except for college, which is different.  This has always been my home base.  I went out with a friend for coffee and paid bills, which got me in the mood to pack the last of my stuff.

I cleaned the bathrooms today.  They were not as gross as the kitchen, but they weren't exactly pretty either.  The bathrooms are very small compared to the ones I have now.  I'm glad that I have a bath tub, but may have to hose it down again before I actually use it.  I know that it was cleaned or at least appeared to be before we moved it.  Then again, men cleaned it and they are looking at the big picture. 

I think I sweat more today than I did yesterday.  I'm going to lose some weight with the amount of steep stairs in my place.  Going up and down with all that stuff was definitely a work out.  Putting all the boxes in the rooms where they are supposed to go made me realize that I have so much stuff.  I will probably be getting rid of things as I go through them.  I really don't need 2 pizza stones.  I'll keep one because I am poor and flour is cheaper than frozen pizza. 

Tomorrow is the day the movers are going to come and take the furniture away.  I will still have a few things left in the house, which I will get sometime on Saturday.  I ran out of suitcases for clothes.  I do have a ridiculous lingerie collection, which took up one whole bag.  I just have my closet left to pack.  Just the clothes in it.  Then it's the new place all the way.

I won't have Internet till Saturday, so Day 5 and 6 will be posted together and there will hopefully be pictures.  It's a nice place and have to figure out new places to eat.  Hopefully everyone will be able to visit soon. 

Moving In Day 3

It was a nice day today.  Warm and bright with all the time in the world.  Since my dad was off, I had use of the van, which means we moved a lot of stuff and probably sweated off 5 pounds.  Yay stairs.

We loaded up the car with some small furniture, some clothes and some boxes.  I think I have way too much stuff for the kitchen.  I really don't have much in terms of furniture, but since my parents are leaving the country in a few months, I inherit a lot of their things.  Not to mention they come with a lot of stuff too.  I have emptied a few boxes and I can tell you that I do not need 5 colanders.  I don't even eat that much pasta.  I will slowly have to go through everything and sell some stuff.

The problem with moving is deciding what to keep and what to get rid of.  No, I'm not getting rid of my fantastic shoes or handbags.  Do I need them all?  No, but I enjoy them and use them.  A lot of things just got put into boxes as we were showing the house and then it was about deciding later.  I will continue to pare things down as I unpack this week.

I cleaned out the fridge today and put some food in.  The fridge was pretty clean.  Nowhere near as bad as the rest of the kitchen, which I probably need to wipe down again.  Tomorrow is cleaning the bathrooms and wiping down the closets.

This evening was difficult because it really was about packing up the last bits.  I am working on what I'm taking over tomorrow and what the movers will take over on Friday.  It's really happening.  I can't believe it's now.  I thought I would have more time. 

Tomorrow is going to be very long and very busy.  It makes me sad.

Moving In Day 2

Today was about cleaning the kitchen.  That was brought to you by the word, "gross."  I'm not quite sure when the last time that that kitchen was cleaned properly, but it was horrid.  There were even left overs from the previous tenants.

So, I got to the apartment around 9 to wait for a mattress to be delivered.  My friend, Casey got there around 9:30.  I moved some of the boxes out of the kitchen so we could reach the cabinets.  There was not a tremendous amount of cabinets, but there were enough.  I swear the previous tenants splashed food everywhere because it was really stained.

I cleaned the counters first and then the cabinet surfaces.  They were kind of grimy.  Casey got all the upper shelves.  I also cleaned the door, which seems to have been neglected for years.  The previous tenants also left candy, a vase, mats and prescription bottles.  Needless to say, they went into the trash because I don't want them and I don't know where they've been. 

The lower cabinets had food stains that wouldn't come off, so we're going to put down liners and try to forget about them.  I know that I will definitely be wiping that all down again.  I'm not completely neat and tidy, but I'm not a slob either.  I have a lot of stuff, but I also have a sensitive nose.  I'm not looking forward to cleaning the fridge.

It's making me sad because now it's real, which means my parents will be half a world away.  I've got good friends and people who will look out for me, but it seems like the security is gone.  Only 3 more days in the house I grew up in. 

Moving In Day 1

This is move in week for me at the new apartment.  It's going well so far, but still slow considering that I'm still packing.  I am still left feeling a bit sad because my crappy house was the only house that I've lived in.

As for my sinus infection, it's much better.  The dizzy spells are fading and now I'm getting used to eating normal food again.  I will now get down to the nitty gritty of cleaning the apartment.

I started today by moving boxes in and vacuuming the place.  Since we think the previous owner had a cat (which I'm allergic to and they weren't supposed to have) it was necessary to super vacuum the place.  I figured out the cat part because there were little tufts of fur on parts of the carpet.  Hopefully, I got it all.

Tomorrow, I get to start scrubbing down the kitchen and starting to put things away.  That is the most joyous thing in the world.  Truth is that I'm kind of scared.  It's a big place for just me.  It's nice and open, but it's going to be so different for me.  This difference makes me lonely and then suddenly I think of him.  Change makes me miss who I was.  The only constant in life is change, but I miss who I used to be and I miss him being there.

The weird thing is that all the things we talked about to move my life forward are happening, but he's not there to see it.   That still makes me feel empty beyond words.  There is a place of sadness that cannot be penetrated by the light.  I don't miss him all the time, but when I do, it's devastating.

I'm hoping the rest of the moving process will be smooth and relatively painless.  I know that it's a new adventure and possibly what I need, but change like this is difficult.  Every new beginning comes from an end.  Nothing I am doing now would not have started if something hadn't been destroyed.

Sinus Infection

I'm still not feeling 100% because of a sinus infection.  It's the first one that I've had and it's been completely awful.  I still have a bit of a headache and have a bit of nausea.  Today is the first day that I have been able to do anything.

I think I have exhausted myself, which is not good.  I know that the antibiotics are working as the mucous is draining.  At least I won't have to walk up and down stairs all that much.  Even getting up and moving takes a few minutes because I still am getting a bit dizzy.

I know that I got this sinus infection from taking my back up allergy meds, bad pollen season and an allergy to dust, which is getting stirred up because of the move.  I had a headache for 3 days and then was incapacitated by Saturday for the good part of 4 days.  Today I was still out from work because I was still throwing up last night.

I think it will take me another few days to get completely better.  I'm on vacation next week, which should help a bit, but have to start moving into the apartment.  I'm nervous about the move and surprised that it's already here.

I moved a few boxes today and now my nausea is back and I can't see out of one eye.  Sleep by 10 latest.

Slip up.

Today I got very overwhelmed  and ended up slipping up.  I am in pain because of a sinus headache and my legs are hurting.  I think that I got overloaded from the move and the fact that I had a difference in my drawer, which I eventually found.  I just can't handle anything today.
I wish I had more time to spend actually seeing people, my friends.  They are either physically far away or are distant.  Not all, but many are.  I know it's difficult to have a friend like me, who is depressed and struggling.  I need the distractions and the companionship, even if it is from afar.  I'm having a hard time communicating how I'm feeling at work.  I put on the brave face and look fine.  I'm not fine, however.  I haven't been all week.

I set up a meeting with my therapist for tomorrow and it's not our normal time to meet.  I know how to cope better by now, but I just couldn't today.  I'm mad at myself and disappointed.

The Good, the Bad and the Lonely

Moving is an emotional roller coaster.  It's partially exciting and very sad.  It will be nice to have a place that is mine, even if I have a roommate.  I have just lived in the same house my entire life and I will miss it.  Especially since the bathroom is new.

I was talking to my therapist about moving and she said moving is definitely a loss.  It is making my depression spike.  I just feel so unprepared to go on to something new.  I thought I would have more of a support system in place by now.  My main support left me.  He changed my life for the better because he softened me.  It costs too much to care for someone and now my life is changing again.

I'm still really lonely.  I've always been lonely and I think that's why I need a companion.  I don't really need a lover because they just tend to piss me off.  Maybe I've never really loved anyone because I'm not good at compromise.  Moving brings up some memories that just make me realize that I never really belonged. 

I've always been different.  Not just from my religion or my gender or anything like that.  I always feel like I'm on the outside.  I have always had wild ideas and dressed the way that I've wanted to.  I guess I am a free spirit that way.  I may not be confident about the way I look, but my mind is pretty impressive and I don't care what anyone thinks about me.  At this point if I was what everyone thought I was, I would be a lesbian husband stealer.  I am neither of those things.  I happen to get along better with men because I have some more masculine qualities to me.

The bad thing about moving is packing up everything and realizing how much stuff you really have.  I'm pretty sure that I don't need all the things that I am taking.  I'm not even sure if I will have room to display all my things.  I have downsized a lot, but I don't think I will eve be able to get rid of everything. 

It's a new chapter of my life.  It's a bit bittersweet.  I don't feel connected to anything anymore.  Perhaps that is the source of my loneliness.   I'm moving forward, but that doesn't mean that it's easy or enjoyable.

The Gala

Saturday was a fantastic day. It was busy at work, but I had a benefit gala that night, which is something that I've been looking forward to for a few months.  I like getting dressed up, having a fancy dinner, dancing and auctions.  The best part was that it goes to a good cause.  Benefit galas don't happen often, but they are definitely fun when they happen.

There was some definite drama before hand because when I was getting ready, the dress that I was going to wear broke.  The strap broke and since it was a rhinestone strap, I couldn't just sew it together. So sad about my miracle black dress.  Luckily there was a dress in my closet that my mother bought in the 70's, which she never wore.  It was a little tight  and I'm overweight, but it was a quick fix.  I slightly overdid my make-up, but I liked my dress, which is white with a hand painted iris.  It is a Greek Goddess design.  The problem with my weight was that it snuck up on me.  I didn't notice until I went to the doctor.  Working on getting down, so I don't need to buy a new wardrobe.

I had fun when I got there.  Mostly because my mom gave me Bailey's to calm my nerves.  I wore a pair of silver stilettos, which were killing me by the end of cocktail hour.  The silent auction was open during the hour and I bid on a few things, but had a limit of $60.00.  I ended up getting a reed diffuser, which was gorgeous and will be going into my new apartment. 

Dinner was provided by Two Steps, which was delicious.  I loved the salmon and the salad.  The cut of beef was superb.  I also had a few glasses of wine.  Totally went off my diet, but that's ok.  For a gala it's ok because they do not happen often.  

I danced a bit, which was fun and exercise.  I am self conscious about my body since the gain.  I don't have a flat stomach and I have huge thighs.  I like my boobs because of my lingerie obsession.  I am going slowly with exercise because everytime I speed it up, my thyroid has issues.  The thing that made me a little sad was dancing with my dad.  It will be a long time before I dance with my dad again.  I must admit that I will miss him. 

I had a great time over the weekend with the gala.  It's the best I've felt in a very long time.  I know that I can get better, but not sure if I will be able to get off the anti-depressant anytime soon.  We'll see how things will go.

Give Me A Reason

Sometimes the hardest thing is finding a reason to keep going forward.  I still don't know how I'm still alive on sometimes.  I've had a million reasons to give up, but I just need one to keep going.  Sometimes I'm not sure what that reason is. 

I have the distant hope that maybe the people that I lost will find a way back to me.  I will not accept that anyone is lost forever.  Circumstances always change and I've learned to forgive a lot of things.  I will never forgive one person for abusing their power and acting unethically.  Ethics is always a difficult thing to convey and live up to, but somethings are unforgivable.  Totally destroying some one's life is not OK.  I will always forgive him because I forgave him all his faults long ago.  I miss him everyday and I don't think that will change.

My biggest problem is patience.  I've never really been good at waiting or patience in general.  I'm still learning because it is something that has to be learned.  It's a hard thing to learn because I think everyone is used to instant gratification.  Maybe that's why credit card debt is so high.

I just need a reason to keep going on.  Freddie and the Doctor keep me going, but I think a majority of the time it's a far flung hope that he doesn't hate me.  I'm going to try to do Pile of Good Things because mental illness is so stigmatized and discriminated against.  People with mental illness are still capable to have full lives, but we need some help maybe a bit more than the average person.

Just give me one reason to keep going.  Just one reason to not give up on you.