I'm working on rediscovering things that I enjoy. Cooking and baking definitely helps. I am learning how to make things that I never thought I would be able to make. I want to start making bread again because that was my favorite thing to do. I will hopefully start that in January after I use up the bread from the freezer.
I do make mistakes while cooking, which is part of learning. This morning I put way too much pepper in my eggs. I know that my dad would have loved it. I am also terrible at cooking beef. I guess if I want beef, I'll have to get it when I go out. I am much better at baking.
The thing that I have to decrease is shopping. Now that I have finished the holiday shopping, I am going to lay low since the only thing I need a veggie peeler. I'm still working on getting rid of things that I don't need/use. I am also going to join a gym and that might be my expense.
I'm also working on my nonprofit again and some other projects. I definitely enjoy helping people, which is what PoGT is about. I'm working on riff tracks with a couple of friends that we can post online. The first movie we are working on is Manhunter. It's the only Hannibal movie without Anthony Hopkins. It's a great film, but so 80s that it's easy to make fun of.
I'm doing something that will hopefully reduce my depression and make me a better person.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Time
I can tell you that time doesn't heal wounds. It just makes them less raw, turns it into a dull ache rather than a sharp pain. I took having the case dismissed pretty hard. I just wanted someone to believe me that what the bank did was real. I know the department of unemployment in CT did, but the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission did not. This is probably due to the bank spending a crap load of money on their lawyer. In a way, I inconvenienced them and cost them money fighting a federal charge. However, no matter how much time goes by, I will have the scars from what they did.
I know that in the future, I will become a survivor, an advocate and a better fighter. I may even become a lawyer. In the present, I do not know who I am anymore. My life was turned upside down and I'm trying to rebuild myself. I am trying to form new relationships, but it's difficult for me to do so. There is part of me that is really guarded now, yet I want to belong.
While depression effects my life, it is not who I am. Time also effects my depression. The level of it changes with daylight savings. That makes winter more difficult for me. The hardest part of the day is getting up in the morning. I wonder sometimes if my life will always be this struggle.
Time might allow me to be close to someone again. I hope that I can be, but am terrified of being so vulnerable again. I want to be good again. I know that this may take years to get over. I think that I might always miss him.
If I really cared about him, I will make something of myself that will make the bank a footnote in my story. Time cannot heal but it can eradicate the existence of things sometimes. Eventually the bank will be bought out and it will just be a story. Every trace of it will belong to something else under another name. I, hopefully, will still be here. I will also make a name for myself, eventually.
I want to be remembered as a good friend, a good person and someone that helped make the world better. Time will tell if it will happen.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
What Depression Isn't
I just had someone tell me that I had no right to complain about what the bank did to me because triggering depression was not physical pain that cost money in medical bills. This person said depression was a choice. Let me tell you what depression is not.
Depression is not a choice. It's a medical condition that can have several contributing factors. In my case, it's Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Under the new DSM V, my diagnosis is major depression brought on by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. What that means is that my depression is unpredictable and recurring. My depression does not exist inside a vacuum.
Depression is not just a reaction. Something causes it. There are triggers, one of mine is loneliness. Part of me getting better is trying to spend time with other people. That's probably why I go shopping so much. At least I get to talk to a salesperson. It's a social interaction and it therefore counts.
Depression isn't easy. It's a struggle and it's more acute than the average person's struggle. There is something missing in our lives. Medication can only manage a certain portion of the illness. The rest is maintaining a healthy lifestyle and relationships. I'm not saying that it isn't a challenge to support a friend with depression, but it's the kindest thing you can do. It can take the person out of their own hell.
Depression is not weakness. Depression is caused by a change in the body's chemistry. It can happen to anyone, at anytime, for almost no reason. Yes, something can trigger it, but long after the event is over the effects are still present.
If you are not educated in something, you have no right to speak on it.
Depression is not a choice. It's a medical condition that can have several contributing factors. In my case, it's Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Under the new DSM V, my diagnosis is major depression brought on by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. What that means is that my depression is unpredictable and recurring. My depression does not exist inside a vacuum.
Depression is not just a reaction. Something causes it. There are triggers, one of mine is loneliness. Part of me getting better is trying to spend time with other people. That's probably why I go shopping so much. At least I get to talk to a salesperson. It's a social interaction and it therefore counts.
Depression isn't easy. It's a struggle and it's more acute than the average person's struggle. There is something missing in our lives. Medication can only manage a certain portion of the illness. The rest is maintaining a healthy lifestyle and relationships. I'm not saying that it isn't a challenge to support a friend with depression, but it's the kindest thing you can do. It can take the person out of their own hell.
Depression is not weakness. Depression is caused by a change in the body's chemistry. It can happen to anyone, at anytime, for almost no reason. Yes, something can trigger it, but long after the event is over the effects are still present.
If you are not educated in something, you have no right to speak on it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Open Letter
My Dearest Rose,
I got the news today that the EEOC dismissed the complaint basically for lack of evidence. The fact that they made me seem crazy is a travesty. The worst part is that I'm not insane. I know more about my illness than anyone that works there. I know more about yours than you do. Yet, you're still there in a historically horrible work environment.
That one day ruined my life. My entire life. I'm not even sure how I'm still alive because there are days when I wish I hadn't made it out. Those are the days that is seems real; the days that I realize that you are gone. Even if the suit had gone forward, no amount of money in the world could have stopped this pain. You changed me and changed me again when you left. Pain and loss they define us as much as happiness or love. I don't want what they did to define me.
Part of it is the stigma against mental illness. There is no way that I can change the minds of people about how being diagnosed with a mental illness is on par with being diagnosed with diabetes. Managing it and recovering from it takes time. It's not a continuous spike of onwards and upwards, but it's a rough road where setbacks come and triumphs linger.
I'm still working on Pile of Good Things because no company should be allowed to treat their employees as replaceable. Nor should they be allowed to push someone over the edge. The company I'm with now, while it has its problems, is no where near as uncaring as the one that rejected me. At least they don't blame me or make me feel like I'm the one who is crazy or inventing drama.
I am slowly moving on. The downside of all of it though, I'm still lonely. Someone told me to be happy of the time I had with you. It was not enough. We could have done great things together. If you were happy, then I believe, I wouldn't be in so much pain about losing you. However, I know you weren't when I was kicked out, nor do I think you are happy now. Goodness cannot thrive in such contempt and misery. You deserve so much better.
I still miss you everyday. I think I miss the fact that I could be my complete self with you. I miss that you believed in me. I miss your hug and I miss your trust. I know that I cannot replace you. I will probably never see you or speak to you again, but you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.
Always,
Phoenix
I got the news today that the EEOC dismissed the complaint basically for lack of evidence. The fact that they made me seem crazy is a travesty. The worst part is that I'm not insane. I know more about my illness than anyone that works there. I know more about yours than you do. Yet, you're still there in a historically horrible work environment.
That one day ruined my life. My entire life. I'm not even sure how I'm still alive because there are days when I wish I hadn't made it out. Those are the days that is seems real; the days that I realize that you are gone. Even if the suit had gone forward, no amount of money in the world could have stopped this pain. You changed me and changed me again when you left. Pain and loss they define us as much as happiness or love. I don't want what they did to define me.
Part of it is the stigma against mental illness. There is no way that I can change the minds of people about how being diagnosed with a mental illness is on par with being diagnosed with diabetes. Managing it and recovering from it takes time. It's not a continuous spike of onwards and upwards, but it's a rough road where setbacks come and triumphs linger.
I'm still working on Pile of Good Things because no company should be allowed to treat their employees as replaceable. Nor should they be allowed to push someone over the edge. The company I'm with now, while it has its problems, is no where near as uncaring as the one that rejected me. At least they don't blame me or make me feel like I'm the one who is crazy or inventing drama.
I am slowly moving on. The downside of all of it though, I'm still lonely. Someone told me to be happy of the time I had with you. It was not enough. We could have done great things together. If you were happy, then I believe, I wouldn't be in so much pain about losing you. However, I know you weren't when I was kicked out, nor do I think you are happy now. Goodness cannot thrive in such contempt and misery. You deserve so much better.
I still miss you everyday. I think I miss the fact that I could be my complete self with you. I miss that you believed in me. I miss your hug and I miss your trust. I know that I cannot replace you. I will probably never see you or speak to you again, but you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.
Always,
Phoenix
Monday, November 10, 2014
It's Been A Long Time
I think I was overworked this week. I was actually delirious at one point because I didn't know where I was. I was also in danger of losing control. I think part of this is because my period has been giving me worse emotional symptoms in the past few months.
Aside from irritability, I get rageful and have a bit of abdominal pain. I am a bit worried that I have an ovarian cyst. The unfortunate thing is that I have health coverage under work starting on Saturday with a $1500 deductible. Since it is not time for my yearly exam, I will have to pay for it. I should probably set it up.
I also need a break from work. I work in a high volume, high pressure store. I think it's getting to me. I know that people suck and are horribly rude. I wish that I could transfer back to my old store, even if it's just so I can feel useful and I can kind of avoid people for a little bit by doing other tasks. You kind of can't avoid customers in the pharmacy unless you are putting away an order.
I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to doing that. I wish I could have a consistent schedule. I am sick and will continue to be sick without some sort of stability.
The worst part is that I miss my friend. Yes, he is crazy, but he was there. He understood what it was like to be like this and would never judge me for it. I think he wanted to help in some way. I know that no one can replace that relationship. No relationship is ever the same, but I miss him so much because I wasn't done. I think he misses me too. I wanted more time. I'm still angry that ignorance, stupidity and paranoia won out over all the good he and I could have done together.
Somehow doing what's right is the loneliest thing in the universe.
Aside from irritability, I get rageful and have a bit of abdominal pain. I am a bit worried that I have an ovarian cyst. The unfortunate thing is that I have health coverage under work starting on Saturday with a $1500 deductible. Since it is not time for my yearly exam, I will have to pay for it. I should probably set it up.
I also need a break from work. I work in a high volume, high pressure store. I think it's getting to me. I know that people suck and are horribly rude. I wish that I could transfer back to my old store, even if it's just so I can feel useful and I can kind of avoid people for a little bit by doing other tasks. You kind of can't avoid customers in the pharmacy unless you are putting away an order.
I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to doing that. I wish I could have a consistent schedule. I am sick and will continue to be sick without some sort of stability.
The worst part is that I miss my friend. Yes, he is crazy, but he was there. He understood what it was like to be like this and would never judge me for it. I think he wanted to help in some way. I know that no one can replace that relationship. No relationship is ever the same, but I miss him so much because I wasn't done. I think he misses me too. I wanted more time. I'm still angry that ignorance, stupidity and paranoia won out over all the good he and I could have done together.
Somehow doing what's right is the loneliest thing in the universe.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Changing Addictions
Ok, so it's not really an addiction, but it's a bad habit. I've changed cutting for shopping. I overspend, but it's the holidays. I have spent way too much money on clothes and junk, which was probably a part of a rebellion. I am getting a mental guilt trip from my mother for spending too much on things that I don't need. My brother has done the same thing by switching from alcohol to cigar smoking.
On the other hand, I am getting rid of things. I have a box of things to either donate or do at a tag sale. I'm donating more clothes to good will and still have things of my parents to sort through. I have been getting things that I need. I think shopping helps me be around people, which is something I need at the moment, but I shouldn't be spending money.
I just really want to feel better about myself, but I am having a breakout and am overweight. I know that shopping won't help with my weight or how I feel about myself.
Another good thing is that I will be getting insurance through my job, which means I will be saving money on that. Even crappy insurance costs a lot of money. Even though my paycheck will be a bit less, it would be better than spending $200/month on a high deductible.
Luckily, I have food in reserve, so I won't starve. I still pay my bills, but I need to find a way to get more control. Since I feel distant from people, I'm filling my life up with things. The plus side is that they are things that I will use eventually. The downside is that I am living paycheck to paycheck. I think that once I get someone in the apartment with me, I will be able to get my life in a little bit more of a controlled situation.
I'm just in a blah state right now.
On the other hand, I am getting rid of things. I have a box of things to either donate or do at a tag sale. I'm donating more clothes to good will and still have things of my parents to sort through. I have been getting things that I need. I think shopping helps me be around people, which is something I need at the moment, but I shouldn't be spending money.
I just really want to feel better about myself, but I am having a breakout and am overweight. I know that shopping won't help with my weight or how I feel about myself.
Another good thing is that I will be getting insurance through my job, which means I will be saving money on that. Even crappy insurance costs a lot of money. Even though my paycheck will be a bit less, it would be better than spending $200/month on a high deductible.
Luckily, I have food in reserve, so I won't starve. I still pay my bills, but I need to find a way to get more control. Since I feel distant from people, I'm filling my life up with things. The plus side is that they are things that I will use eventually. The downside is that I am living paycheck to paycheck. I think that once I get someone in the apartment with me, I will be able to get my life in a little bit more of a controlled situation.
I'm just in a blah state right now.
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