No More Drama

There are things that still make me very sad.  One of them is the assumption that I have the same relationship with my parents that my brother has.  I do not in the slightest.  I might not have gotten along with my mother as a teenager, but I do now.  I don't think any teenage girl really gets along with their mom.  There are books written about it.  If you did get along with your mother from age 12-22, then you might be an anomaly. 

My brother got married this past weekend and while I am happy for him and like my sister in law, this wedding had more drama than I would have liked.  I also felt like I was an outsider.  I'm not as close with my brother as I would like because we are quite different.  The thing that really upset me was that it seemed that my mother was treated as a problem.  My brother doesn't know how to deal with my mom because she is hyper and needs to know everything.  It can be frustrating, but that is who she is.

At the rehearsal dinner there is a tradition that candy is thrown at the bride and groom for a sweet life and sing some songs.  My mother wanted to celebrate this tradition so I made sure that gummy candy was bought, which was soft.  I don't have a lot of extra money to spend, so getting this candy was not entirely in my budget.  There could have been a compromise of throwing the candy in the air.  Instead, the best man took the candy and hid it, so the tradition was not done.  I mean there were 70 people at this dinner and probably only 50 pieces of candy.  I did not know that the best man was intentionally told to take the candy till after the wedding. 

On the day of the wedding, the hair and make up for my mother was done in our hotel room instead of the bridal suite.  That's fine as it was not a major thing.  My mom had family that could occupy the rest of the time.  However, at the rehearsal dinner there were some major cock ups done by the restaurant, so my mom was trying to fix them. When my mom came to the sweet to let the mother of the bride know so she could get the refund or discount, my mom was barred from entering the room by another bridesmaid.  This clearly upset my mother.  After I had finished with my hair and make-up, I left the suite and never went back because I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the day.  It was about my brother and his fiance, now wife, not the petty drama.

The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception was fun.  There were 2 things that made me sad during the reception.  The first was the band playing, "I Will Always Love You" because it reminded me of Rose (the song lyrics are actually quite sad as it's about not being with someone you love because you aren't good for them).  The second was seeing my mom looking so sad.  She was being cordial and nice all weekend.  She went along with the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner even though there were others that would have been nicer in my opinion.  She felt rejected and that made me sad.

It is said that weddings are for the bride and her family.  I'm not sure if that's an American thing or if I have a different view.  I would like to plan things with my intended together.  It's a day for family and celebration.  While this was the happiest day for my brother and his wife, it looked to be the saddest day for my mother.  She could not get home fast enough.

I know when I got home all I wanted to do was see my guy, but I don't know when that will be.  I don't know if I will ever have a wedding.  I'm not mad at my brother or my sister in law.  I just wish things turned out differently.  I know that these events even upset my dad.  It takes a lot to upset him.  I'm glad to be back home where I can sleep.  I don't mean any offense by any of this.  It's just that some drama makes me sad.

Failure

I'm not sure if I've failed or not.  I mean I have a job and a place to live.  I have food to eat (for now) and I supposedly have friends.  However, I struggle a lot more than I probably should.  I cry most of the time when I'm paying bills.  I have cut expenses where I can, but I still don't have enough to live comfortably.  This is part of the reason that I have no social life.

I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference.  Mental illnesses are still stigmatized.  Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable.  I still have massive amounts of debt.  I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.

My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees.  I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low.  I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable.  A problem with that is debt.  Brian did school part time and worked.  His debt will be a fraction of what mine is. 

I still don't feel really close to anyone.  I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me.  Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time.  I also don't really have money to have an active social life.  Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.

A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids.  I have no interest in buying a house.  Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be.  I think maybe I would like to be married.  I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of.  I don't know if I'll find that though.

There are days when I miss Rose.  He liked the real me.  I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made.  I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side. 

There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful.  I don't feel very passionate about anything.  It's still about surviving and I want something more.