I've been dealing with depression in some way since I was about 12 years old. Not sure if it was puberty that started it or low thyroid, either way, it doesn't matter. Depression doesn't need a reason to exist. It exists like cancer exists...because it does. I've worked really hard to become some form of stable, but the depression doesn't really go away.
I know that there is beauty in the world and in life, but sometimes I just don't care. Depression is very self centered and it lies. I sometimes think that if I was 50 pounds lighter I'd be happy. I was 50 pounds lighter in the past 18 years and that didn't make me any happier. While being thinner will not make me happy, it would improve my overall health.
I know the world can be a very ugly place. There are whole groups of people that hate each other for a reason no one really remembers. There are people getting murdered for no other reason than that they can be. My depression makes me not care about the world, it makes me just want to sit and stare or sleep. It takes all the good and enjoyable things and turns them hollow. Cooking, eating, sex, baths, reading, etc, whatever it is just doesn't hold any interest. This is something that takes great effort to fight.
I have good days and bad days. Something can trigger my depression to go from almost non existent to full blown. Usually it has to do with losing friends or potential relationships. Part of that is because I haven't gotten over Rose. When it's too much, I write to him. It's a letter he will never read, but it makes me feel better.
What set me off this time was that I was seeing a guy, who I really liked, I thought everything was going well and we were on the same page. Suddenly he decided that he only wanted friends. I have friends and I think it's harder to be my friend. I expect a lot of my friends. They are the ones that deal directly with my bad days. This guy believes that he can't fall in love. I didn't think I could I was 25, then I met Rose. I think he's going through a lot at the moment and I should be more understanding, but the truth is that I'm devastated. It seemed like we were making plans, but then I'm back to being someone that is not a priority. I had such hopes. I felt like pre-trauma me where I could be playful and loving. Maybe that part of me can come back, but I need someone to draw it out of me. I'm not like that with most people.
For now, it's back to being the loneliest person in the universe. I have to get my finances back in order, start making more money and maybe gaining my health back. Depression will be there, but I just have to get back on track. Maybe no dating or looking for anyone for a while.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
When It's Still There
Slowly life moves on, but the emotional state is more difficult to change. Sometimes an off hand comment or a confession can bring back the trauma. I had that happen, which made me realize that I'm still in the middle of trauma recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
I'm Doing Everything Wrong
Well not everything, but I'm not following my wellness plan as well as I should be. I'm on track with cooking, taking my meds and going to therapy, but that's it. I'm not reading as much or seeing friends or doing enjoyable activities like coloring or drawing. I'm also not eating too well or exercising.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
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