I've been dealing with depression in some way since I was about 12 years old. Not sure if it was puberty that started it or low thyroid, either way, it doesn't matter. Depression doesn't need a reason to exist. It exists like cancer exists...because it does. I've worked really hard to become some form of stable, but the depression doesn't really go away.
I know that there is beauty in the world and in life, but sometimes I just don't care. Depression is very self centered and it lies. I sometimes think that if I was 50 pounds lighter I'd be happy. I was 50 pounds lighter in the past 18 years and that didn't make me any happier. While being thinner will not make me happy, it would improve my overall health.
I know the world can be a very ugly place. There are whole groups of people that hate each other for a reason no one really remembers. There are people getting murdered for no other reason than that they can be. My depression makes me not care about the world, it makes me just want to sit and stare or sleep. It takes all the good and enjoyable things and turns them hollow. Cooking, eating, sex, baths, reading, etc, whatever it is just doesn't hold any interest. This is something that takes great effort to fight.
I have good days and bad days. Something can trigger my depression to go from almost non existent to full blown. Usually it has to do with losing friends or potential relationships. Part of that is because I haven't gotten over Rose. When it's too much, I write to him. It's a letter he will never read, but it makes me feel better.
What set me off this time was that I was seeing a guy, who I really liked, I thought everything was going well and we were on the same page. Suddenly he decided that he only wanted friends. I have friends and I think it's harder to be my friend. I expect a lot of my friends. They are the ones that deal directly with my bad days. This guy believes that he can't fall in love. I didn't think I could I was 25, then I met Rose. I think he's going through a lot at the moment and I should be more understanding, but the truth is that I'm devastated. It seemed like we were making plans, but then I'm back to being someone that is not a priority. I had such hopes. I felt like pre-trauma me where I could be playful and loving. Maybe that part of me can come back, but I need someone to draw it out of me. I'm not like that with most people.
For now, it's back to being the loneliest person in the universe. I have to get my finances back in order, start making more money and maybe gaining my health back. Depression will be there, but I just have to get back on track. Maybe no dating or looking for anyone for a while.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
When It's Still There
Slowly life moves on, but the emotional state is more difficult to change. Sometimes an off hand comment or a confession can bring back the trauma. I had that happen, which made me realize that I'm still in the middle of trauma recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
I'm Doing Everything Wrong
Well not everything, but I'm not following my wellness plan as well as I should be. I'm on track with cooking, taking my meds and going to therapy, but that's it. I'm not reading as much or seeing friends or doing enjoyable activities like coloring or drawing. I'm also not eating too well or exercising.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours. Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row. I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours. Nice on my checking account, but not on my body. Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy. We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper. While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds. I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself. Also my knees would thank me.
I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends. I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules. As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules. It is possible to do. Even a cup of coffee counts. It's 30 minutes. I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew.
My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit. I met someone nice, who I really like. Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues. He's someone that I could have a future with. Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose. I miss the intensity and the openness. Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone. He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone. I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.
The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened. It's slow and quick all at once. I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance. I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this. I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Happiness and Fifty Shades
I have been really happy recently. There is no particular reason for it. Aside from my debt, my life is pretty decent. I have food to eat and a place to live. I have a job that I do well at. I have people that I like and friends that I hang out with. Sure I don't see them as often because of work, but I don't cancel plans with them. I think I'm starting to really enjoy life again.
It's not perfect, but I'm learning. Electricity and debt are my biggest worries because they have to be managed better. Electric heat is tricky to gauge. I think I have finally figured it out though. I get to start winterizing my apartment next month.
I think I enjoy what I do for my day job. It has given me the confidence to move forward. I don't second guess myself at work. Do I get cranky? Of course, especially after a 12 hour day or 6 days in a row. However, I think I'm starting to me more understanding and compassionate to the patients. Well, at least to a certain degree as some of them are spoiled crazy people. Also many of my coworkers are intelligent and sarcastic.
I've come to realize that the imbeciles at the bank didn't win. They didn't break me or destroy me. I am a million times better than any of them and I matter. I will make more of an impact on this world than that company ever could. This isn't arrogance; this is strength. This is confidence in myself, but I'm not confident in my body.
The battle with my weight is ongoing as it's difficult to eat healthy when your job stocks chips, soda and candy. The soda is the most difficult thing for me to stop. I don't keep it in the apartment, but when you're rarely there, it's difficult to resist the quick caffeine when it is needed. As for exercise, I still haven't found a routine that works. Again it's difficult when my average shift is 10 hours. I'll figure it out soon enough.
As for Fifty Shades. I'm on the third book and I'm tired of the characters. I know it's erotica, but their development is stagnant and sappy. I liked the first two. The books remind me of someone that I cared for very much. Reading the books made me think that while sex and relationships are interesting, I'm still finding myself, so I am not ready for someone else.
It's OK to be alone while you're healing. Besides, I always have the Doctor.
It's not perfect, but I'm learning. Electricity and debt are my biggest worries because they have to be managed better. Electric heat is tricky to gauge. I think I have finally figured it out though. I get to start winterizing my apartment next month.
I think I enjoy what I do for my day job. It has given me the confidence to move forward. I don't second guess myself at work. Do I get cranky? Of course, especially after a 12 hour day or 6 days in a row. However, I think I'm starting to me more understanding and compassionate to the patients. Well, at least to a certain degree as some of them are spoiled crazy people. Also many of my coworkers are intelligent and sarcastic.
I've come to realize that the imbeciles at the bank didn't win. They didn't break me or destroy me. I am a million times better than any of them and I matter. I will make more of an impact on this world than that company ever could. This isn't arrogance; this is strength. This is confidence in myself, but I'm not confident in my body.
The battle with my weight is ongoing as it's difficult to eat healthy when your job stocks chips, soda and candy. The soda is the most difficult thing for me to stop. I don't keep it in the apartment, but when you're rarely there, it's difficult to resist the quick caffeine when it is needed. As for exercise, I still haven't found a routine that works. Again it's difficult when my average shift is 10 hours. I'll figure it out soon enough.
As for Fifty Shades. I'm on the third book and I'm tired of the characters. I know it's erotica, but their development is stagnant and sappy. I liked the first two. The books remind me of someone that I cared for very much. Reading the books made me think that while sex and relationships are interesting, I'm still finding myself, so I am not ready for someone else.
It's OK to be alone while you're healing. Besides, I always have the Doctor.
Friday, October 16, 2015
The Hard Part
Eventually, you move on. You find other people to fill your life with, but it's not the same. It's never the same. I don't have a person yet who I talk to all day long and they talk to me. Yes, I have friends, but this person wasn't my boyfriend. He was more like my mentor or protector.
It's the Fall that is hard for me, especially the warm days because I remember the hug. I remember his smile. There are days that I am happy, but when I'm home by myself after an 11 hour day, I feel the void. That's the hard part. I still haven't quite figured out how to fill the void.
I am moving on. I'm selling my shoes. They remind me of Rose because he loved shoes. It was probably a fetish, but I also no longer have a place or reason to wear them. I can't wear heels in the pharmacy on an 11 hour shift. My feet hurt after wearing sneakers or clogs. Whatever money I get off of them will go towards bills.
I still have a lot of medical bills and bills in general, which is dragging. The good thing is that I'm caught up on the things that I need. Next purchase is a bra since one of mine lost the underwire. I might wait till the post holiday sales to get that. There might also be some gift cards from my birthday. I also have to look for a new car or a lease.
I don't have anyone to talk about this things with other than my parents who live in a different country. Rose would know what to do, at least when it came to me. I just don't know how to fix the loneliness.
It's the Fall that is hard for me, especially the warm days because I remember the hug. I remember his smile. There are days that I am happy, but when I'm home by myself after an 11 hour day, I feel the void. That's the hard part. I still haven't quite figured out how to fill the void.
I am moving on. I'm selling my shoes. They remind me of Rose because he loved shoes. It was probably a fetish, but I also no longer have a place or reason to wear them. I can't wear heels in the pharmacy on an 11 hour shift. My feet hurt after wearing sneakers or clogs. Whatever money I get off of them will go towards bills.
I still have a lot of medical bills and bills in general, which is dragging. The good thing is that I'm caught up on the things that I need. Next purchase is a bra since one of mine lost the underwire. I might wait till the post holiday sales to get that. There might also be some gift cards from my birthday. I also have to look for a new car or a lease.
I don't have anyone to talk about this things with other than my parents who live in a different country. Rose would know what to do, at least when it came to me. I just don't know how to fix the loneliness.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Forgiveness
Today was Yom Kippur and it's the day of atonement. This is a day when Jews ask for forgiveness from God and from others from sins that were don consciously or unconsciously. I think my major sin this year has been that I have been neglectful of my relationships and commitments. I have been neglectful of this blog because I've been caught up in stupid stuff. For this, I ask your forgiveness.
As this is a new year for Jewish people, I have a few things that I'm working on that are my goals for the upcoming year. One of the things that I am continuing is to get healthy. I still have at least 50 pounds to lose, which may take 2 more years. The next goal is to get my finances in order, which will also take a year plus to do. Those are my main two long term goals.
As for short term goals, I have a few. The first is to take my national certification for pharmacy. I would love to be able to get more money and be able to have a career in pharmacy as I really do enjoy it. I also want to finish researching and come up with a cost plan for Pile of Good Things. It's a cause that is still relevant to what is going on in many capitalist countries, but I will start small. Mental health effects everyone. I would also like to finish my writing course. I have 20 lectures left.
I also hope to be a better friend and writer this coming year.
As this is a new year for Jewish people, I have a few things that I'm working on that are my goals for the upcoming year. One of the things that I am continuing is to get healthy. I still have at least 50 pounds to lose, which may take 2 more years. The next goal is to get my finances in order, which will also take a year plus to do. Those are my main two long term goals.
As for short term goals, I have a few. The first is to take my national certification for pharmacy. I would love to be able to get more money and be able to have a career in pharmacy as I really do enjoy it. I also want to finish researching and come up with a cost plan for Pile of Good Things. It's a cause that is still relevant to what is going on in many capitalist countries, but I will start small. Mental health effects everyone. I would also like to finish my writing course. I have 20 lectures left.
I also hope to be a better friend and writer this coming year.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Good Things
I feel like good things are finally happening, well...at least in my career. I just got promoted to Inventory Specialist, which is a great way for me to learn a segment of management. Since I already got a raise this year, I might not get one, but they are trying for it, since it is more responsibility.
I did apply for the trainer position , but didn't get it. However, I have been promoted twice in a year. This promotion is administrative, not supervisory. I do get to delegate some tasks, so that we are ensuring patient safety. We dispose of expired and damaged drugs. I will also be in charge of making sure what is on the shelves is what is in the systems. I think I'm better suited for this than I am dealing with people.
One of the things that I'm working on in therapy is starting to like people again. I can't stand most of humanity because a majority of people are terrible or stupid or both. The odd thing is that I'm good with most kids and people that I train. I don't know if I rationalize that set of people into the fact that they haven't learned things yet. It is easier to deal with them.
I still miss having people in my life that I can talk to about anything. My parents don't count because they will always be weird. I'm not sure if I want a relationship or what. I miss being able to hang out with my friends. Being an adult is kinda shitty.
I did apply for the trainer position , but didn't get it. However, I have been promoted twice in a year. This promotion is administrative, not supervisory. I do get to delegate some tasks, so that we are ensuring patient safety. We dispose of expired and damaged drugs. I will also be in charge of making sure what is on the shelves is what is in the systems. I think I'm better suited for this than I am dealing with people.
One of the things that I'm working on in therapy is starting to like people again. I can't stand most of humanity because a majority of people are terrible or stupid or both. The odd thing is that I'm good with most kids and people that I train. I don't know if I rationalize that set of people into the fact that they haven't learned things yet. It is easier to deal with them.
I still miss having people in my life that I can talk to about anything. My parents don't count because they will always be weird. I'm not sure if I want a relationship or what. I miss being able to hang out with my friends. Being an adult is kinda shitty.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
I'm Not There Yet
I see that many of my friends pair off and start having families. The truth is that, for me, I'm not there yet. I suffered a trauma 2 and half years ago , which is taking a lot of time to overcome. It is almost unimaginable for me to be having a family let alone a partner because I'm not to the point where I'm stable enough to be there for another person. At least not in the way that I imagine a relationship to be.
I don't really want to have a child, who will realize that mommy is sad and irritable. I also don't want a partner who thinks that I don't love him because I will always miss Rose. It's nice to see that people are progressing in their lives, but I'm not there yet. The upside is that I am getting better, so that I can be capable of these things in the future.
I don't have as many bad days as I have in the past, but there are still more than I would like. I'm not in the greatest shape weight wise. I'm not losing weight to get a date. I'm losing weight for me, so that I can feel good about myself. It does hurt me that people don't come to some of the parties that I have anymore. I know that people have other priorities now or are knee deep in diapers or their significant other, but you are still you and are allowed to have your own life.
I'm not to the point where my friends are not the most important thing in my life. I don't have a tiny being to take care of or anyone else. It's just me and I'm not there yet. My friends have always meant a great deal to me and I think I have a greater attachment to them than they do to me. I miss the pub culture of England. Maybe it's just the fact that I live in New England that's the problem.
I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet.
I don't really want to have a child, who will realize that mommy is sad and irritable. I also don't want a partner who thinks that I don't love him because I will always miss Rose. It's nice to see that people are progressing in their lives, but I'm not there yet. The upside is that I am getting better, so that I can be capable of these things in the future.
I don't have as many bad days as I have in the past, but there are still more than I would like. I'm not in the greatest shape weight wise. I'm not losing weight to get a date. I'm losing weight for me, so that I can feel good about myself. It does hurt me that people don't come to some of the parties that I have anymore. I know that people have other priorities now or are knee deep in diapers or their significant other, but you are still you and are allowed to have your own life.
I'm not to the point where my friends are not the most important thing in my life. I don't have a tiny being to take care of or anyone else. It's just me and I'm not there yet. My friends have always meant a great deal to me and I think I have a greater attachment to them than they do to me. I miss the pub culture of England. Maybe it's just the fact that I live in New England that's the problem.
I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet.
Monday, August 17, 2015
I've Come to Accept
I've come to accept that I will probably never be thin or have a thigh gap.
I've come to accept that I have depression and it's permanent. It will have times when it will go into remission, but it will always be there.
I've come to accept that I will always miss Rose. Not in a bone crushing sad way, but in the that I wish he was still around.
I've come to the realization that I will never base my self-worth on how much money I have or that my career prospects are.
I'm ok if I never really have a "career."
I've come to realize that I do need to exercise everyday.
I've come to accept that vegetables are necessary, but I wish they tasted better. I am partial to carrots and ranch dip.
I've come to realize that I need to see more people.
I've come to realize that my talents need to be practiced. Working on photography, painting and writing.
I've come to accept that sometimes I need help.
I've come to accept that a PhD will be my life long goal.
I've come to realize what are luxuries and what are not. I still have to wait to buy eggs and do laundry.
I've come to accept that not everyone is as smart as me. Sometimes that astounds me.
Sometimes I wish I made enough to live the life I wanted.
I've come to realize that some things are needed before wants. I need a mattress protector before I get a sewing machine.
I've come to accept that I have depression and it's permanent. It will have times when it will go into remission, but it will always be there.
I've come to accept that I will always miss Rose. Not in a bone crushing sad way, but in the that I wish he was still around.
I've come to the realization that I will never base my self-worth on how much money I have or that my career prospects are.
I'm ok if I never really have a "career."
I've come to realize that I do need to exercise everyday.
I've come to accept that vegetables are necessary, but I wish they tasted better. I am partial to carrots and ranch dip.
I've come to realize that I need to see more people.
I've come to realize that my talents need to be practiced. Working on photography, painting and writing.
I've come to accept that sometimes I need help.
I've come to accept that a PhD will be my life long goal.
I've come to realize what are luxuries and what are not. I still have to wait to buy eggs and do laundry.
I've come to accept that not everyone is as smart as me. Sometimes that astounds me.
Sometimes I wish I made enough to live the life I wanted.
I've come to realize that some things are needed before wants. I need a mattress protector before I get a sewing machine.
Monday, August 10, 2015
The Bad Days
I don't have bad days very often anymore, but when I do they are heinous and recovery from them takes about 4 days. The reason why I had a bad was because I ran out of medication and hadn't taken them for a few days, which makes me more susceptible to triggers like loneliness.
The bad day was caused because I spend too much time alone. I spent my entire day off cleaning my apartment and watching netflix, yet can't remember the last time I spent time with my friends. I know I haven't seen Brianna in over a month. The last time I saw Jill was in May. I know it's harder to spend time with friends as we get older because we have more responsibilities, but I also think that's why mental illness rates are so high (1 in 4 according to NAMI). Humans were not designed to be so isolated. While I didn't spend a lot of physical time with Rose, he was always there. He made me less lonely and I miss that. Spending time alone is fine, but too much alone time is detrimental especially for depression. If we were meant to be completely alone, we would have no social programming in our DNA. Luckily a co-worker took me to the aquarium so I could pet the sharks and take pictures. The butterfly ones are gorgeous.
Irritability is one of my main symptoms, which is not typical for females. It's silly things that make me upset like when people "help" my station when they should be doing their own work. Sometimes the patients irritate me by asking about coupons at pick up or where something non-pharmacy related is in the store. I really think that I need a vacation that is more than 4 days, which won't happen till 2016.
As for the medication, it costs me $75ish dollars every 3 months for my anti-depressants because my insurance will only pay or a 90 day supply and it is brand only. However, my other life-saving/ preventative meds are either $0 copay or under $10. I can't wait for the day that this medication goes generic so it doesn't cost me so much. Without it I still get the irritability and sometimes the fatigue. The methylfolate helps with the fatigue but not with other symptoms. I also have a low tolerance for people that are less intelligent than me, which is many humans.
I read an article today about Robin Williams' suicide, which happened about a year ago. It was a beautiful article about how suicide can be prevented, but the idiot who commented on it said that they would kill themselves too if they had a chronic or terminal illness. That was so ignorant that it made me sick. Asthma is a chronic illness, as are diabetes, depression, bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism and parkinsons. They can all be managed and yes, they can all kill people if left untreated. Pharmaceuticals exist to help people. In a capitalistic society like ours there is a profit to be made for life saving medications. It sucks, but that is reality. I got sick because on the list above, I have 3 of those chronic conditions and suicide is not the solution to those problems. I have a lot of give, but episode recovery takes me 4 days. I still hate year 3.
The bad day was caused because I spend too much time alone. I spent my entire day off cleaning my apartment and watching netflix, yet can't remember the last time I spent time with my friends. I know I haven't seen Brianna in over a month. The last time I saw Jill was in May. I know it's harder to spend time with friends as we get older because we have more responsibilities, but I also think that's why mental illness rates are so high (1 in 4 according to NAMI). Humans were not designed to be so isolated. While I didn't spend a lot of physical time with Rose, he was always there. He made me less lonely and I miss that. Spending time alone is fine, but too much alone time is detrimental especially for depression. If we were meant to be completely alone, we would have no social programming in our DNA. Luckily a co-worker took me to the aquarium so I could pet the sharks and take pictures. The butterfly ones are gorgeous.
Irritability is one of my main symptoms, which is not typical for females. It's silly things that make me upset like when people "help" my station when they should be doing their own work. Sometimes the patients irritate me by asking about coupons at pick up or where something non-pharmacy related is in the store. I really think that I need a vacation that is more than 4 days, which won't happen till 2016.
As for the medication, it costs me $75ish dollars every 3 months for my anti-depressants because my insurance will only pay or a 90 day supply and it is brand only. However, my other life-saving/ preventative meds are either $0 copay or under $10. I can't wait for the day that this medication goes generic so it doesn't cost me so much. Without it I still get the irritability and sometimes the fatigue. The methylfolate helps with the fatigue but not with other symptoms. I also have a low tolerance for people that are less intelligent than me, which is many humans.
I read an article today about Robin Williams' suicide, which happened about a year ago. It was a beautiful article about how suicide can be prevented, but the idiot who commented on it said that they would kill themselves too if they had a chronic or terminal illness. That was so ignorant that it made me sick. Asthma is a chronic illness, as are diabetes, depression, bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism and parkinsons. They can all be managed and yes, they can all kill people if left untreated. Pharmaceuticals exist to help people. In a capitalistic society like ours there is a profit to be made for life saving medications. It sucks, but that is reality. I got sick because on the list above, I have 3 of those chronic conditions and suicide is not the solution to those problems. I have a lot of give, but episode recovery takes me 4 days. I still hate year 3.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Forward and Backwards
Every time I make a little progress there is a setback. My major issues for overcoming depression is finances and socialization. Finances stress everything and due to the fact that most social activities cost some money, I miss out on seeing people. Yes, I know that there are free things to do, but the truth is I feel like I have more debt than my friends.
I miss my friends and I miss Rose. Rose, not because we got to see each other, but because I had someone that I could talk to about anything and everything and he actually listened. I cared about him too and above all things I wanted to help him. It was mutual support. With a lot of my other friends it's either the distance or the schedules. I do have friends that live in other countries, which makes talking on a regular basis difficult. Having a retail schedule has some drawbacks. I've been trying to get together with Brianna for weeks, but I'm working when she's off or vice versa. I don't even have parties anymore because of the schedule and expense.
I am having a jewelry party later this month because I've always wanted a Swarovski piece since I was little. There was a pin of a little red dress that I bid on when I was probably in high school, but didn't win it obviously. It's also used a lot in films and we all know how much I love movies. I am not spending a lot on food or drink because I have things for it already. I am not aiming to spend anything on the jewelry either. I just want to expand my circle of friends and look at pretty things. I had to cancel once already, so hopefully, I can make this one successful. If you can't make it, you can still order...the holidays are not far away. I do hope to see people there even if you can't buy anything.
As for finances, it's still a struggle. I'm not working as many hours because it's summer and we slow down a bit because apparently everyone in Ridgefield is away for most of the summer....lucky them. This is why I work every holiday. My student loans will be paid off eventually. The bigger problem is my credit cards and now I got a ticket for speeding. I'm going to contest it because I can't afford to pay $190 to the state, who then spend it on stupid crap anyway. I pay my bills, but don't have money for much else.
I'm doing a fitness challenge through work so that I can get gift cards for things that I will need like make up and dress pants. I'm hoping that I get this new position just for the significant pay raise it brings. I don't think anyone knows how lonely it is to be poor. I mean I'm lucky that I can pay my bills and rent, but there is more that I need aside from a roof over my head and food. I need my friends.
I miss my friends and I miss Rose. Rose, not because we got to see each other, but because I had someone that I could talk to about anything and everything and he actually listened. I cared about him too and above all things I wanted to help him. It was mutual support. With a lot of my other friends it's either the distance or the schedules. I do have friends that live in other countries, which makes talking on a regular basis difficult. Having a retail schedule has some drawbacks. I've been trying to get together with Brianna for weeks, but I'm working when she's off or vice versa. I don't even have parties anymore because of the schedule and expense.
I am having a jewelry party later this month because I've always wanted a Swarovski piece since I was little. There was a pin of a little red dress that I bid on when I was probably in high school, but didn't win it obviously. It's also used a lot in films and we all know how much I love movies. I am not spending a lot on food or drink because I have things for it already. I am not aiming to spend anything on the jewelry either. I just want to expand my circle of friends and look at pretty things. I had to cancel once already, so hopefully, I can make this one successful. If you can't make it, you can still order...the holidays are not far away. I do hope to see people there even if you can't buy anything.
As for finances, it's still a struggle. I'm not working as many hours because it's summer and we slow down a bit because apparently everyone in Ridgefield is away for most of the summer....lucky them. This is why I work every holiday. My student loans will be paid off eventually. The bigger problem is my credit cards and now I got a ticket for speeding. I'm going to contest it because I can't afford to pay $190 to the state, who then spend it on stupid crap anyway. I pay my bills, but don't have money for much else.
I'm doing a fitness challenge through work so that I can get gift cards for things that I will need like make up and dress pants. I'm hoping that I get this new position just for the significant pay raise it brings. I don't think anyone knows how lonely it is to be poor. I mean I'm lucky that I can pay my bills and rent, but there is more that I need aside from a roof over my head and food. I need my friends.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Feeling Really Happy
While there is a part of me that is always going to be a bit sad and I might not get over Rose, but I think I'm finally getting to a good place with supportive people. I also have been achieving goals that I didn't think possible. I just wanted to share some of the good things that have been happening.
I met a nice guy yesterday for the first time. I don't know if I'm attracted to him,but it's nice to have a friend that likes the same things that I do. We might go used book shopping in Bethel next time we meet up. He paid for a nice dinner for me and we then went for a walk. He's a bit older than me and is going through a nasty divorce, but those things happen. I think it's just nice to meet someone new. Maybe he and I will meet up again.
I also got my review today. It was good for the most part. I just need to be better at keeping calm during problem solving, which is something that I realized and I'm working on it. I'm not the best employee in the world, but this job is willing to accommodate me and is helping me to succeed. They do want me to take on more responsibility, which is great. They said that I am the rock in my pharmacy and know that if I'm working things will run smoothly. I don't know everything and I learn every day, which probably why I really enjoy my job.
I did apply for a field trainer position, but I haven't heard anything yet. If I don't get it, I'm glad that I tried anyway and can continue on the journey of becoming a lead technician. While my company got ranked among the 12 worst companies to work for (the article mentioned nothing about working for evil bank), I have more benefits than I knew about. I now have the option to buy stock, which is something I'm looking into. It's investing in a safer way because the stock price is on the intranet every day and I'm in a fitness challenge, which if I complete it I get $40 in my account to use on whatever I want. That is some incentive.
I'm also working on drawing. I just completed two today. I'm not very good, but I enjoy them. I'm much better at floral photography, which is what I do in the spring. For drawing, I mostly draw sea animals like sharks and other fish. It's very relaxing to just create something. I'm including one of my flowers and a drawing.
Overall, I'm doing well. I just wish I got to see my friends more because I am lonely a lot of the time. That is the one area of my life that needs a bit more attention.
I met a nice guy yesterday for the first time. I don't know if I'm attracted to him,but it's nice to have a friend that likes the same things that I do. We might go used book shopping in Bethel next time we meet up. He paid for a nice dinner for me and we then went for a walk. He's a bit older than me and is going through a nasty divorce, but those things happen. I think it's just nice to meet someone new. Maybe he and I will meet up again.
I also got my review today. It was good for the most part. I just need to be better at keeping calm during problem solving, which is something that I realized and I'm working on it. I'm not the best employee in the world, but this job is willing to accommodate me and is helping me to succeed. They do want me to take on more responsibility, which is great. They said that I am the rock in my pharmacy and know that if I'm working things will run smoothly. I don't know everything and I learn every day, which probably why I really enjoy my job.
I did apply for a field trainer position, but I haven't heard anything yet. If I don't get it, I'm glad that I tried anyway and can continue on the journey of becoming a lead technician. While my company got ranked among the 12 worst companies to work for (the article mentioned nothing about working for evil bank), I have more benefits than I knew about. I now have the option to buy stock, which is something I'm looking into. It's investing in a safer way because the stock price is on the intranet every day and I'm in a fitness challenge, which if I complete it I get $40 in my account to use on whatever I want. That is some incentive.
I'm also working on drawing. I just completed two today. I'm not very good, but I enjoy them. I'm much better at floral photography, which is what I do in the spring. For drawing, I mostly draw sea animals like sharks and other fish. It's very relaxing to just create something. I'm including one of my flowers and a drawing.
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| White Irises-Ballard Park |
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| Bamboo Shark |
Overall, I'm doing well. I just wish I got to see my friends more because I am lonely a lot of the time. That is the one area of my life that needs a bit more attention.
Monday, July 13, 2015
More Challenges
My life is just full of challenges right now. Money challenges, weight challenges, food, space and even my hair. On the flip side I have some positive challenges as well like my job and a fitness challenge starting in August.
I'll start with the positive challenges. At work I applied for a promotion to field trainer. It never hurts to apply. If I don't get it then, I will continue working on getting my national certification and becoming a lead technician. It's just nice to know that I have a shot at both without being under a microscope. I am also signing up for a fitness challenge, which is also through work. If I complete it, I get 4000 points put into my account, which I can redeem for gift cards or merchandise. Plus it's a way to motivate me to get more active and maybe lose a little weight.
A lot of my other challenges are based on my weight. I am still at 236 pounds, which is very heavy for me. Part of the the weight is from stress and a poor diet. I'm learning how to eat better especially on a budget. The other major thing is my lack of energy and exercise. Now that I have the methylfolate, (I can't break down folic acid into methylfolate, so I take it separately), I am starting to get more energy so I can exercise. I know that I lost a lot of weight in the UK because I walked everywhere. I think now that I live in a town with sidewalks, I should start walking to places.
The other issue is my hair. I have hard water and it's really affecting my hair. My hair gets more dry and brittle because of the water. I'm not sure if it's the shampoo or build up or what, but it's just making me feel flat and blah. I do think that I will dye it back to a darker brown, maybe my natural hair will make things better. Anyone have any suggestions?
Overall though I am feeling better. I have a great motivator in Krystina and some of my work buddies. I do miss hanging out with people. That is the constant challenge: being social.
Activity: made scrambled eggs and home fries after a surprise 11 hour shift.
I'll start with the positive challenges. At work I applied for a promotion to field trainer. It never hurts to apply. If I don't get it then, I will continue working on getting my national certification and becoming a lead technician. It's just nice to know that I have a shot at both without being under a microscope. I am also signing up for a fitness challenge, which is also through work. If I complete it, I get 4000 points put into my account, which I can redeem for gift cards or merchandise. Plus it's a way to motivate me to get more active and maybe lose a little weight.
A lot of my other challenges are based on my weight. I am still at 236 pounds, which is very heavy for me. Part of the the weight is from stress and a poor diet. I'm learning how to eat better especially on a budget. The other major thing is my lack of energy and exercise. Now that I have the methylfolate, (I can't break down folic acid into methylfolate, so I take it separately), I am starting to get more energy so I can exercise. I know that I lost a lot of weight in the UK because I walked everywhere. I think now that I live in a town with sidewalks, I should start walking to places.
The other issue is my hair. I have hard water and it's really affecting my hair. My hair gets more dry and brittle because of the water. I'm not sure if it's the shampoo or build up or what, but it's just making me feel flat and blah. I do think that I will dye it back to a darker brown, maybe my natural hair will make things better. Anyone have any suggestions?
Overall though I am feeling better. I have a great motivator in Krystina and some of my work buddies. I do miss hanging out with people. That is the constant challenge: being social.
Activity: made scrambled eggs and home fries after a surprise 11 hour shift.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Shame
I'm feeling a lot of shame about my money problems, but don't like asking for help. I have a lot of debt hanging over me and my paycheck really only covers my bills. It's so bad this month that I couldn't buy food.
The only good thing about the food is that I have kind of prepared for this. My parents bought me frozen and canned food just so that I would have a back up. I have bought things along the way as well. I may end up on a diet of soup, rice and tea, but I have food to eat in the meantime. The good thing about my job is that if there is left over food from the meetings, the rest of the staff can eat the left overs. Also, one of the pharmacists brings dinner for her closing staff, so I eat that way occasionally. So basically, I won't starve.
The worst part is that I don't have the money to go out with my friends. The reason why it's killing me because I need people to be around. My roommate is usually in his room and I only see him if he needs to eat or when he gets home from work. I can't go to the Renaissance Fair this year because I can't afford it. I can't go out to dinner because it's too much money and I don't want my friends to keep paying for me.
I have been doing extra tutoring so that I get a bit of extra income. I can't ask my parents for money because they are on a fixed income and have to pay for some stuff with my brother's wedding. My brother gave me money for Hanukkah, which helped because it paid for a car repair. I'm going to start trying to get nationally certified as a pharmacy technician, so that I can make extra money.
It's getting to the point where I may ask my friends for my 30th birthday to get me things that I need or gift cards for things that I need. I'm going to need foundation this year and probably grocery store gift cards. I will also need a new pair of shoes for work. I would also appreciate something to take care of myself like an eyebrow wax or a mani-pedi.
Being an adult is not fun.
The only good thing about the food is that I have kind of prepared for this. My parents bought me frozen and canned food just so that I would have a back up. I have bought things along the way as well. I may end up on a diet of soup, rice and tea, but I have food to eat in the meantime. The good thing about my job is that if there is left over food from the meetings, the rest of the staff can eat the left overs. Also, one of the pharmacists brings dinner for her closing staff, so I eat that way occasionally. So basically, I won't starve.
The worst part is that I don't have the money to go out with my friends. The reason why it's killing me because I need people to be around. My roommate is usually in his room and I only see him if he needs to eat or when he gets home from work. I can't go to the Renaissance Fair this year because I can't afford it. I can't go out to dinner because it's too much money and I don't want my friends to keep paying for me.
I have been doing extra tutoring so that I get a bit of extra income. I can't ask my parents for money because they are on a fixed income and have to pay for some stuff with my brother's wedding. My brother gave me money for Hanukkah, which helped because it paid for a car repair. I'm going to start trying to get nationally certified as a pharmacy technician, so that I can make extra money.
It's getting to the point where I may ask my friends for my 30th birthday to get me things that I need or gift cards for things that I need. I'm going to need foundation this year and probably grocery store gift cards. I will also need a new pair of shoes for work. I would also appreciate something to take care of myself like an eyebrow wax or a mani-pedi.
Being an adult is not fun.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Do You Know Their Names?
I don't normally weigh in on current events, but this has been bothering me. The South Carolina Church shooting was appalling, but what is nagging me more is that I don't know any of the victims' names. I know the alledged shooter's name, but refuse to use it because if I say his name, I let him win. People will have all these theories as to why the shootings happened, which I'll get into in a bit, but the bottom line is that everyone knows his name, but does anyone know one name from the victims?
I live in CT, in fact, I live in a town the borders Newtown. The Sandy Hook shootings happened less than 3 years ago. There were 26 victims, do you know any of their names? I don't know all of them, but I know a few, which is good. I will never say the shooter's name because he doesn't deserve to be remembered. Newtown has razed his former house and have razed the school as well in an attempt to move on. Even the shooter's brother wants nothing to do with it as he had the lawyer sell the house for $1 to the town. The killer, whatever his reasons, doesn't deserve to be known or infamous as it turns out, because he did nothing to make the world better.
In Judaism, we say the names of the dead publicly because there may not be anyone left to remember them. The names of all the victims of the church, of Sandy Hook, of Virginia Tech, of Columbine, of Oklahoma City etc., get one line in national and international media, while everything else focuses on the killer. The how and the why. It was one of the Columbine killers who wrote in his manifesto (for lack of a better word), that he will forever be known for committing something so heinous. That is why I don't use their names because they are now famous and their victims are slowly forgotten except by those who love them. Even if there is an article about how one of the victims are being remembered, where it's a foundation, a shelter or a scholarship in their name, there is always a line about their killer. It's disgraceful.
We shouldn't even care why these things happen anymore. It boils down to the same thing, person gets gun and shoots a bunch of people because he can and then gets known for it. It could be because of drugs, they are racist, angry, mentally ill or just evil; it doesn't matter. Remember the ones that died because their lives, their stories mattered. They had hopes, loves and dreams that were stolen from them by a person, for what ultimately ends up being no reason at all. So don't try to find a reason, just know the names of the better people.
Remember these people:
I live in CT, in fact, I live in a town the borders Newtown. The Sandy Hook shootings happened less than 3 years ago. There were 26 victims, do you know any of their names? I don't know all of them, but I know a few, which is good. I will never say the shooter's name because he doesn't deserve to be remembered. Newtown has razed his former house and have razed the school as well in an attempt to move on. Even the shooter's brother wants nothing to do with it as he had the lawyer sell the house for $1 to the town. The killer, whatever his reasons, doesn't deserve to be known or infamous as it turns out, because he did nothing to make the world better.
In Judaism, we say the names of the dead publicly because there may not be anyone left to remember them. The names of all the victims of the church, of Sandy Hook, of Virginia Tech, of Columbine, of Oklahoma City etc., get one line in national and international media, while everything else focuses on the killer. The how and the why. It was one of the Columbine killers who wrote in his manifesto (for lack of a better word), that he will forever be known for committing something so heinous. That is why I don't use their names because they are now famous and their victims are slowly forgotten except by those who love them. Even if there is an article about how one of the victims are being remembered, where it's a foundation, a shelter or a scholarship in their name, there is always a line about their killer. It's disgraceful.
We shouldn't even care why these things happen anymore. It boils down to the same thing, person gets gun and shoots a bunch of people because he can and then gets known for it. It could be because of drugs, they are racist, angry, mentally ill or just evil; it doesn't matter. Remember the ones that died because their lives, their stories mattered. They had hopes, loves and dreams that were stolen from them by a person, for what ultimately ends up being no reason at all. So don't try to find a reason, just know the names of the better people.
Remember these people:
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Going Broke to Get Better
I am kind of broke. I make enough to pay my mandatory bills, but not enough to put money into savings or pay off my credit cards. Sorry, parents, I didn't want you to worry about my finances, but being an adult is difficult. What is the reason for my credit card debt? It really is down to 2 things: medical expenses and car repairs.
The problem is that a lot of my medications, especially the Advair and Pristiq because they are name brand, which makes them more expensive. Luckily, the Advair, I only take for 3 months out of the year, but they have coupons for them. The major problem is that I need a methylfolate because I am missing an enzyme that breaks down folic acid. Apparently as much as 70% of the population has this genetic mutation http://www.methyl-life.com/). This is what is making me tired. It's not the sugar or my thyroid that causes the low energy, it's that folate that I'm lacking. The downside is that the methylfolate is expensive. It's available as a prescription, which my insurance doesn't cover or I can get it online for $57-$75 for a 90 day supply. I have gone without it and that is why I'm not active.
The other thing about my medical expenses is having a deductible. My deductible is $1500 a year with a total out of pocket expense of $3000, which is separate. So I have a total of $4500 that I have to pay out of pocket a year on my medical plan. This is not making health care affordable. Though this year I won't have as many medical tests as I did last year, but I still won't be able to afford my allergy shots or jaw surgery. I might get my moles removed in this calendar year. However, I'm sure that will take care of most of my deductible. Luckily, my company gives me $1000 a year in my HSA and I put in $600. However, I just paid off all my outstanding bills from last year and only have $63 is my account after they gave me $550.
My monthly therapy bill during my deductible is between $57 and $114. So that eats a lot of money for me, but it is necessary for me to get better along with my medication. However, one of the components that I need to get better is socialization. The problem is that there are not a lot of free things that I can do here. Plus there is scheduling.
If someone wants to help me, having a cooking session with me. Come over have some wine or whiskey and bake some bread. I want to be a decent cook and have a lot to learn. Food is a social thing, which is why restaurants exist. I mean we can make pasta with an English cheddar sauce for all I care, but come an hang out. That's the best thing you can do for someone with depression is just spend time with them. Right now, I don't have money to go see movies unless it's at the discount theater. I also don't have money to go out to restaurants unless I plan for it because my medical bills are the craziest things.
I am trying to get back to a good place, but I can't do it alone. Part of my problem is the money. I am literally going broke to get better.
Activity: Made a salad of Persian cucumber, Vidalia onion, Mozzarella, couscous and red wine vinaigrette.
The problem is that a lot of my medications, especially the Advair and Pristiq because they are name brand, which makes them more expensive. Luckily, the Advair, I only take for 3 months out of the year, but they have coupons for them. The major problem is that I need a methylfolate because I am missing an enzyme that breaks down folic acid. Apparently as much as 70% of the population has this genetic mutation http://www.methyl-life.com/). This is what is making me tired. It's not the sugar or my thyroid that causes the low energy, it's that folate that I'm lacking. The downside is that the methylfolate is expensive. It's available as a prescription, which my insurance doesn't cover or I can get it online for $57-$75 for a 90 day supply. I have gone without it and that is why I'm not active.
The other thing about my medical expenses is having a deductible. My deductible is $1500 a year with a total out of pocket expense of $3000, which is separate. So I have a total of $4500 that I have to pay out of pocket a year on my medical plan. This is not making health care affordable. Though this year I won't have as many medical tests as I did last year, but I still won't be able to afford my allergy shots or jaw surgery. I might get my moles removed in this calendar year. However, I'm sure that will take care of most of my deductible. Luckily, my company gives me $1000 a year in my HSA and I put in $600. However, I just paid off all my outstanding bills from last year and only have $63 is my account after they gave me $550.
My monthly therapy bill during my deductible is between $57 and $114. So that eats a lot of money for me, but it is necessary for me to get better along with my medication. However, one of the components that I need to get better is socialization. The problem is that there are not a lot of free things that I can do here. Plus there is scheduling.
If someone wants to help me, having a cooking session with me. Come over have some wine or whiskey and bake some bread. I want to be a decent cook and have a lot to learn. Food is a social thing, which is why restaurants exist. I mean we can make pasta with an English cheddar sauce for all I care, but come an hang out. That's the best thing you can do for someone with depression is just spend time with them. Right now, I don't have money to go see movies unless it's at the discount theater. I also don't have money to go out to restaurants unless I plan for it because my medical bills are the craziest things.
I am trying to get back to a good place, but I can't do it alone. Part of my problem is the money. I am literally going broke to get better.
Activity: Made a salad of Persian cucumber, Vidalia onion, Mozzarella, couscous and red wine vinaigrette.
Friday, June 12, 2015
I Wish Jamie was My Friend
I finished reading Jamie Tworkowski's book, If You Feel Too Much, a couple of weeks ago and I completely loved it. Jamie is the founder of TWLOHA (To Write Love on Her Arms), which is mental health nonprofit. You can visit their website, www.twloha.com to find out more about them. I bought the book because his post, "There is Still Some Time," which is probably one of the most meaningful things I have ever read (read it here). It was posted on the day that Robin Williams took his own life, which shocked everyone. It was a great post and reflected all that I had felt from the last year and a half, but it wasn't till after I finished the entire book that I wished that Jamie was my friend.
I hadn't heard of TWLOHA until a coworker from several years ago noticed I was struggling with my own depression and at that time I didn't know what was causing it. It was mild, but my self injury was bad. I was basically a mess. One day, she told me that she had what I needed, she took off her pink TWLOHA rubber bracelet and put it on my wrist. She told me she'd get another one in blue, but to wear the pink one until she got the other one. I still have the blue rubber bracelet and wear it when I need extra strength when I'm feeling low. I think that's the best gift, was letting me know that I wasn't alone. I have used TWOLHA site to find help, encouragement and information when I needed it.
You can learn a lot about a writer from their style and what they right about. I think it's brave of Jamie to show that he struggles with depression. I noticed throughout the book he uses I in lowercase and consistently does so. If I was a trained psychologist, I could draw some conclusions, but I won't. The thing that came across in the book is that Jamie is not a saint, he struggles, has lost friends, fought with friends and got them back, mostly Jamie is human and it's OK to be human.
I'll probably never meet Jamie and if I did, I don't think he would notice me. I don't catch anyone's eye, I'm not beautiful or thin or have a great smile. I'm funny, a hard worker and unique, but I don't think I stand out. Not in the way that would make someone brave like he described while meeting Dree Hemingway. The only thing that we probably have in common is the desire to help people with mental health issues get better.
However, I do wish Jamie was my friend because he probably understands the ups and downs of life and would be the person to tell me that it's OK to have a broken heart. Other people think I should have moved on already, but there is something missing now that I can't describe. I'm rebuilding my life, but it's quite a lonely process. Maybe I just want someone to talk to.
I learned a lot about Jamie and TWLOHA from his book and I wish he was my friend.
I hadn't heard of TWLOHA until a coworker from several years ago noticed I was struggling with my own depression and at that time I didn't know what was causing it. It was mild, but my self injury was bad. I was basically a mess. One day, she told me that she had what I needed, she took off her pink TWLOHA rubber bracelet and put it on my wrist. She told me she'd get another one in blue, but to wear the pink one until she got the other one. I still have the blue rubber bracelet and wear it when I need extra strength when I'm feeling low. I think that's the best gift, was letting me know that I wasn't alone. I have used TWOLHA site to find help, encouragement and information when I needed it.
You can learn a lot about a writer from their style and what they right about. I think it's brave of Jamie to show that he struggles with depression. I noticed throughout the book he uses I in lowercase and consistently does so. If I was a trained psychologist, I could draw some conclusions, but I won't. The thing that came across in the book is that Jamie is not a saint, he struggles, has lost friends, fought with friends and got them back, mostly Jamie is human and it's OK to be human.
I'll probably never meet Jamie and if I did, I don't think he would notice me. I don't catch anyone's eye, I'm not beautiful or thin or have a great smile. I'm funny, a hard worker and unique, but I don't think I stand out. Not in the way that would make someone brave like he described while meeting Dree Hemingway. The only thing that we probably have in common is the desire to help people with mental health issues get better.
However, I do wish Jamie was my friend because he probably understands the ups and downs of life and would be the person to tell me that it's OK to have a broken heart. Other people think I should have moved on already, but there is something missing now that I can't describe. I'm rebuilding my life, but it's quite a lonely process. Maybe I just want someone to talk to.
I learned a lot about Jamie and TWLOHA from his book and I wish he was my friend.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Being My Friend Isn't Fun
I was working on a different post, but the words weren't coming out. I was laying awake last night and then I thought that being my friend really isn't that much fun. I don't like my body, I suffer from depression and I need people. There is a loneliness that lives in me and has been there since I was a child because I am different. So why am I writing this? I had a fight with a friend and didn't really know how to respond to what she said.
I'm in year 3 of trauma recovery and that's worse than the previous two years just because I realized what I lost. I lost Rose because of a company deciding what was morally correct. I lost Keri and Jen because I was causing too much drama. I lost Meg because I couldn't get out of depression in a timely manner. The thing is that I haven't gained a lot back.
It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, but it's a lot harder living with episodic depression because it's not something that I get to overcome. It comes back slowly and all of a sudden. Rose understood that and would sit with me and talk. Rose had children, friends, a career and a life, but he made time for me because to him I was important. We supported each other. I miss him. Not the idea of him, not the way he made me feel, but him. All of him, his stupid sense of humor, his humanity, his insanity and his ability to make people better. I wish he knew that that was his real talent. He made me happy for a time.
It's so easy to get caught up in our own lives with school, work and kids. In fact most of my friends are getting married or are having/had their first child. With the first child it seems that a person is so into their kid that that is all they can talk about. It's a niche hobby that only you and 5 other people are totally into. I don't care that your kid sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." It's not important in anyone else's life, but yours and that's great for you. I love that my friends Geof and Bela, who are on their 4th kid (apparently you guys dislike sleep), don't talk about their kids all day long because as Geof said, "they are only marginally interesting." I know that they love their children, but they don't need to post things about them all the time. I'm not at the place where I can talk about children because it may not happen. Babies might as well be aliens. In fact, my pharmacy manager let me watch her newborn for 10 minutes. It was super easy because the baby was totally passed out. Aside from the fact he was tiny, he was uninteresting. Again, he was like a niche hobby for his parents, though his mother probably wants to come back to work. I'm almost tempted to quote the doctor by saying I've never had a life like that.
That might make me a terrible friend, but I can't relate to what you are going through by being a parent for a young kid. I'm not telling you to not post pictures and videos of your children, but you can always talk about other things. Right now, my niche hobby is my recovery and this year is about missing people. It's not pretty or fun, it's actually rather lonely. When I say I miss Rose, I'm saying I'm lonely because my friend made me feel full. He made me feel happy and complete, which is a break for someone like me who is usually lonely. It doesn't help saying that I should move on or get over it. I will move on in my own time, but I may never "get over" him. I'll move on because that's what happens in life, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him. Also don't tell me that maybe you don't belong in my life. That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to someone who is already depressed.
I try to make time for other people if I get invited to things, but it seems like I get invited out very little. Once I'm out I'm great. At home alone, usually at night, it's not fun to be my friend. That's when I realize I'm lonely. You can ask Gina how many letters I have written to her in the middle of the night. Gina came with me to the aquarium because I wanted to do something where I could have fun. Jill came too and drove . Gina made a video of our trip, which I was so grateful for (it's above). I need more social things. They both know that I miss Rose, but they did something cool so that we could spend time together.
It does suck to be my friend sometimes because right now, I have a broken heart and I miss people. Sometimes all you have to do is sit and listen. I'm trying to rebuild and it's hell. I'm glad that many people have found the lights in their lives through spouses and children, but I don't have that. Just remember that it's not because you aren't important, it's just that I'm lonely and I miss the person that made me stop being lonely.
New thing: adding an activity that is being done at the end of each post whether it be a recipe completed, a book finished or drawing.
Today's activity: Finished Reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA.
I'm in year 3 of trauma recovery and that's worse than the previous two years just because I realized what I lost. I lost Rose because of a company deciding what was morally correct. I lost Keri and Jen because I was causing too much drama. I lost Meg because I couldn't get out of depression in a timely manner. The thing is that I haven't gained a lot back.
It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, but it's a lot harder living with episodic depression because it's not something that I get to overcome. It comes back slowly and all of a sudden. Rose understood that and would sit with me and talk. Rose had children, friends, a career and a life, but he made time for me because to him I was important. We supported each other. I miss him. Not the idea of him, not the way he made me feel, but him. All of him, his stupid sense of humor, his humanity, his insanity and his ability to make people better. I wish he knew that that was his real talent. He made me happy for a time.
It's so easy to get caught up in our own lives with school, work and kids. In fact most of my friends are getting married or are having/had their first child. With the first child it seems that a person is so into their kid that that is all they can talk about. It's a niche hobby that only you and 5 other people are totally into. I don't care that your kid sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." It's not important in anyone else's life, but yours and that's great for you. I love that my friends Geof and Bela, who are on their 4th kid (apparently you guys dislike sleep), don't talk about their kids all day long because as Geof said, "they are only marginally interesting." I know that they love their children, but they don't need to post things about them all the time. I'm not at the place where I can talk about children because it may not happen. Babies might as well be aliens. In fact, my pharmacy manager let me watch her newborn for 10 minutes. It was super easy because the baby was totally passed out. Aside from the fact he was tiny, he was uninteresting. Again, he was like a niche hobby for his parents, though his mother probably wants to come back to work. I'm almost tempted to quote the doctor by saying I've never had a life like that.
That might make me a terrible friend, but I can't relate to what you are going through by being a parent for a young kid. I'm not telling you to not post pictures and videos of your children, but you can always talk about other things. Right now, my niche hobby is my recovery and this year is about missing people. It's not pretty or fun, it's actually rather lonely. When I say I miss Rose, I'm saying I'm lonely because my friend made me feel full. He made me feel happy and complete, which is a break for someone like me who is usually lonely. It doesn't help saying that I should move on or get over it. I will move on in my own time, but I may never "get over" him. I'll move on because that's what happens in life, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him. Also don't tell me that maybe you don't belong in my life. That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to someone who is already depressed.
It does suck to be my friend sometimes because right now, I have a broken heart and I miss people. Sometimes all you have to do is sit and listen. I'm trying to rebuild and it's hell. I'm glad that many people have found the lights in their lives through spouses and children, but I don't have that. Just remember that it's not because you aren't important, it's just that I'm lonely and I miss the person that made me stop being lonely.
New thing: adding an activity that is being done at the end of each post whether it be a recipe completed, a book finished or drawing.
Today's activity: Finished Reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Was It Me?
It's a question that haunts me. Was I the thing that was bad? Were they right about me? Why did he believe them over me? It haunts me but the answers to all those questions are complicated. The main answer for why I'm haunted by this is ignorance and stigma. I have a depression that is caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. A majority of people with mental illness are not violent. For people with depression it takes way too much energy to be violent. So it wasn't me really that was bad it was their stupidity.
One day, I will post the memo they used to have me fired. When I first saw it, I had read it before and it was in a museum. It was essentially a witch accusation. There is no defense once a majority of people belief a lie. That's how Salem happened. Fear and ignorance take over the hearts of the stout of men. He thought he was finally one of them, but what he failed to realize was that he would never be in the in crowd. I never am and that's what makes me better. He made the decision to leave everyone from deluded thinking brought on by bipolar disorder.
Of course I make mistakes. He mattered so much to me because he was so supportive right up until he stopped believing me. I always feel like it's me that messes things up, but it's not. Yes, I miss him because he understood what it was like to have a never-ending illness. For some people depression clears up, but not for me. He understood that. I wanted someone to go through life that understood. Getting over him will take years because losing him was linked to the trauma from the bank.
It's not that I don't appreciate my other friends, but he was there. He made me realize what I was looking for. A lot of my friends are finding their partners, getting married and having kids. That's great for them, but it leaves me feeling more isolated because you're not as free to help when you are needed. I'm your friend and I will always be sick to some degree. The best I can hope for is to have things under control, but there is no hope of that without having a social support system.
I don't need judgement because I will heal in my own time. I try to find other people, but they don't compare. If you have your first child and aren't planning on having another, I can't relate to you because I will probably never have a kid. If you're getting married, you're lucky you found someone because I might not. If you've got all of that, then you are fantastic. Right now, I'm here trying to move on and keep screwing up relationships because the one I really wanted, the one that made me feel complete, I lost. I keep asking myself if it was my fault. I know that it wasn't.
I keep trying to build relationships, but I keep screwing up because nothing has come close to healing me. I might as well be a time lord at this point because I think I'm too different from regular humans. Maybe I'll never be close to anyone again. Maybe that is the fall out from the trauma that I won't find another companion.
One day, I will post the memo they used to have me fired. When I first saw it, I had read it before and it was in a museum. It was essentially a witch accusation. There is no defense once a majority of people belief a lie. That's how Salem happened. Fear and ignorance take over the hearts of the stout of men. He thought he was finally one of them, but what he failed to realize was that he would never be in the in crowd. I never am and that's what makes me better. He made the decision to leave everyone from deluded thinking brought on by bipolar disorder.
Of course I make mistakes. He mattered so much to me because he was so supportive right up until he stopped believing me. I always feel like it's me that messes things up, but it's not. Yes, I miss him because he understood what it was like to have a never-ending illness. For some people depression clears up, but not for me. He understood that. I wanted someone to go through life that understood. Getting over him will take years because losing him was linked to the trauma from the bank.
It's not that I don't appreciate my other friends, but he was there. He made me realize what I was looking for. A lot of my friends are finding their partners, getting married and having kids. That's great for them, but it leaves me feeling more isolated because you're not as free to help when you are needed. I'm your friend and I will always be sick to some degree. The best I can hope for is to have things under control, but there is no hope of that without having a social support system.
I don't need judgement because I will heal in my own time. I try to find other people, but they don't compare. If you have your first child and aren't planning on having another, I can't relate to you because I will probably never have a kid. If you're getting married, you're lucky you found someone because I might not. If you've got all of that, then you are fantastic. Right now, I'm here trying to move on and keep screwing up relationships because the one I really wanted, the one that made me feel complete, I lost. I keep asking myself if it was my fault. I know that it wasn't.
I keep trying to build relationships, but I keep screwing up because nothing has come close to healing me. I might as well be a time lord at this point because I think I'm too different from regular humans. Maybe I'll never be close to anyone again. Maybe that is the fall out from the trauma that I won't find another companion.
Monday, May 18, 2015
In This Moment
Last Monday was jam packed for me. I went to work, saw 2 doctors, tutored and had dinner with a friend at a great Neo Asian Bistro. After that, I was walking around the mall to work off a bit of the meal and some guys asked me a question. They were probably student from the local state university, however, the question they asked me was simple yet complicated, "Are you happy?" It's a yes or no question because it's close-ended. It's complicated because I never have a straight forward answer for that as my mood varies depending on the season, the day, the position of the sun, etc. After a few minutes discussion was ,"In this moment, yes I am."
Life is a series of moments and sometimes the happiness only lasts for one moment. Today, for example, I was sad. That's the problem with trauma recovery, sometimes you realize what you lost and then you get sad. The situation depends on how long the sadness lasts. I lost several friends because of evil bank, while I miss all of them, only one of them really hurts. That's Rose. There is an argument that I miss the idea of him or the way he made me feel and yes, I do miss the way he made me feel, but I miss him. I knew him better than I knew anyone else and yet part of him was still hidden. I miss the connection because we were the same, outsiders, who are in a constant struggle with themselves. The Doctor always missed Rose because at the end of the day, they were the same yet could challenge each other.
So here I am, sitting in my apartment with it's white walls, thinking about moments of being happy and then all the other moments in between. My moments of being happy are very rare, which seems unfortunate. The happiest I felt was when I was on my swing. I love swings and still love them. I think I was always trying to chase that feeling my adult life. It seems to be happy you find someone, get a job, buy a house and then have a family. I always thought that there was more to life than that and I've seen people who have all that who a terribly miserable. Perhaps the simple question of, "Are you happy?" really is quite complicated. Content is probably a better word to use, but even then is anyone really content? We all want something more. Perhaps we all only have those moments of happiness.
In the moment I answered the question I was happy, but sometimes in the next I'm not. I think we're all chasing happiness, but it doesn't always stay around. I think happiness is the one thing that people don't give up on.
Life is a series of moments and sometimes the happiness only lasts for one moment. Today, for example, I was sad. That's the problem with trauma recovery, sometimes you realize what you lost and then you get sad. The situation depends on how long the sadness lasts. I lost several friends because of evil bank, while I miss all of them, only one of them really hurts. That's Rose. There is an argument that I miss the idea of him or the way he made me feel and yes, I do miss the way he made me feel, but I miss him. I knew him better than I knew anyone else and yet part of him was still hidden. I miss the connection because we were the same, outsiders, who are in a constant struggle with themselves. The Doctor always missed Rose because at the end of the day, they were the same yet could challenge each other.
So here I am, sitting in my apartment with it's white walls, thinking about moments of being happy and then all the other moments in between. My moments of being happy are very rare, which seems unfortunate. The happiest I felt was when I was on my swing. I love swings and still love them. I think I was always trying to chase that feeling my adult life. It seems to be happy you find someone, get a job, buy a house and then have a family. I always thought that there was more to life than that and I've seen people who have all that who a terribly miserable. Perhaps the simple question of, "Are you happy?" really is quite complicated. Content is probably a better word to use, but even then is anyone really content? We all want something more. Perhaps we all only have those moments of happiness.
In the moment I answered the question I was happy, but sometimes in the next I'm not. I think we're all chasing happiness, but it doesn't always stay around. I think happiness is the one thing that people don't give up on.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Frustrated
I'm really frustrated with the fact that I'm not losing weight. I probably should exercise more, but I think it's my thyroid that's holding me back. I really hate the way my body is. It does nothing that I want it to. My hormones are off because of my thyroid. The other downside is the exhaustion. I have a bit more energy, but it's not the easiest thing in the world to fight it. There has to be something better than just managing the symptoms.
I am following the diet of having more fruits and vegetables with lean meats. I am more active than I have been yet the weight is still clinging. I'm also eating a lot less than I have been in the past. My mother said that potatoes are the reason why I'm not losing weight, but I don't eat those often either.
I know that my exercise is lacking. However, every time I try to do intense exercise programs, my thyroid acts up and I end up having a thyroid episode where I gain a ton of weight. The only exercise I can really do is yoga and walking. I have a rotating schedule and an active job, so sometimes exercise is just not on the agenda.
I don't know what else to do aside from divide up the exercise. The nurse who is helping me with the program says that's she's not concerned with the number on the scale, but with my blood pressure, cholesterol level and energy level. The problem is that I care about the number on the scale.
I am following the diet of having more fruits and vegetables with lean meats. I am more active than I have been yet the weight is still clinging. I'm also eating a lot less than I have been in the past. My mother said that potatoes are the reason why I'm not losing weight, but I don't eat those often either.
I know that my exercise is lacking. However, every time I try to do intense exercise programs, my thyroid acts up and I end up having a thyroid episode where I gain a ton of weight. The only exercise I can really do is yoga and walking. I have a rotating schedule and an active job, so sometimes exercise is just not on the agenda.
I don't know what else to do aside from divide up the exercise. The nurse who is helping me with the program says that's she's not concerned with the number on the scale, but with my blood pressure, cholesterol level and energy level. The problem is that I care about the number on the scale.
Friday, April 24, 2015
The Irony
Sometimes there is too much to write. That is one of the problems with depression, the rumination. When news comes, whether good or bad, we over think it. Right now, my heart and brain are too full because this was the day he left. I have never cried so hard before or since. I was so devastated that I was sobbing on my kitchen floor. He left me because he had to protect himself and his job. The irony of this entire piece of shit story is that the evil bank laid him off last week. Abandoning his friends, his freedom and his principles for a paycheck didn't even buy him 2 years. My question is, was it worth it?
I believe that a job/career should add to someone's pile of good things, which is what I decided to call my non profit. If your job makes you change for the worse or compromise yourself, it's not worth having that job. This bank has been and looks like will always be a cesspool of misery for its employees. He alienated himself from all the tellers in order to be above reproach. He got a poor first year review mostly because he was too friendly. There is a corporate culture of heirarchy, which is slowly fading away in most work places unless someone is the CEO or on the board. Maybe it's my Millenial point of view, but I will follow directions and respect you, if you give me the same courtesy, not because of your title. They also complained about his hair being long. In my opinion is wasn't long at all, but the CEO who is a micromanaging dictator kept complaining about it, so he cut his hair short. The thing is that he needs someone. He's not shallow, but he made himself distant because of money. He was looking for a new job, but they couldn't match his salary. I think he was in the financial industry too long because it came down to money.
He was laid off last week after the bank hired an outside company to do an efficiency review. They found that he didn't do enough for the company to keep him around. They laid off 6 other people as well. This is how a company gain rapid assets in a short period of time: increase profits and reduce overhead. No one listened to me about my criticisms because I was the opposition and therefore had to be discredited and silenced. I'm still not silent. The greatest irony was that he did everything to follow their rules and they still got rid of him in the end.
So that's the end of the story with the bank. He's finally free of that place, but not on the terms he would have wanted. I'm glad that he is gone from that place. That bank does not deserve to have employees. I hope now that he will find something that he enjoys and doesn't compromise his beliefs or himself. I wish him the best. Maybe that makes me the better person.
I believe that a job/career should add to someone's pile of good things, which is what I decided to call my non profit. If your job makes you change for the worse or compromise yourself, it's not worth having that job. This bank has been and looks like will always be a cesspool of misery for its employees. He alienated himself from all the tellers in order to be above reproach. He got a poor first year review mostly because he was too friendly. There is a corporate culture of heirarchy, which is slowly fading away in most work places unless someone is the CEO or on the board. Maybe it's my Millenial point of view, but I will follow directions and respect you, if you give me the same courtesy, not because of your title. They also complained about his hair being long. In my opinion is wasn't long at all, but the CEO who is a micromanaging dictator kept complaining about it, so he cut his hair short. The thing is that he needs someone. He's not shallow, but he made himself distant because of money. He was looking for a new job, but they couldn't match his salary. I think he was in the financial industry too long because it came down to money.
He was laid off last week after the bank hired an outside company to do an efficiency review. They found that he didn't do enough for the company to keep him around. They laid off 6 other people as well. This is how a company gain rapid assets in a short period of time: increase profits and reduce overhead. No one listened to me about my criticisms because I was the opposition and therefore had to be discredited and silenced. I'm still not silent. The greatest irony was that he did everything to follow their rules and they still got rid of him in the end.
So that's the end of the story with the bank. He's finally free of that place, but not on the terms he would have wanted. I'm glad that he is gone from that place. That bank does not deserve to have employees. I hope now that he will find something that he enjoys and doesn't compromise his beliefs or himself. I wish him the best. Maybe that makes me the better person.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
The Scale and the Mirror
The battle that I'm currently fighting is between the scale and the mirror. I don't like what I see in either of them. I'm fighting my weight and it's always a constant battle. It's so easy to eat junk food and soda (my biggest temptation). My diet calls for a lot of whole grains, fruits and vegetables. I am also not in the habit of exercising. I'm working on all these things, however, it's a major difficulty.
My major obstacle is time. I'm supposed to be exercising a minimum of 30 minutes a day. With my rotating schedule and long days, sometimes that is a challenge. I am on my feet at work quite a lot, but I also eat chips or chocolate for quick bursts of energy. Maybe I should bring carrots instead.
The reason why I started the weight loss program at work is because I was sitting in my allergist's office waiting to talk to him, he is adorable by the way, and I saw myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I am at my heaviest ever (236 lbs.) and I just don't feel great about myself. Part of it is poor diet and lack of exercise, but part of it is overcoming the stress from evil bank. I am high obese on the body max index scale. My ideal weight is 175, but I doubt that I will get there anytime soon. I did weight that once. The closest I've come to it was when I lived in England as I was 184lbs. I was still heavy, but I felt so great. It was easier over there because I walked everywhere and went to the gym 2-3 times a week. Now, it takes work to exercise. The bottom line is that I don't like myself when I look in the mirror.
Then there is the scale. I know that it's just numbers, but it's hard seeing those numbers when someone who was thin would complain about 5 pounds. 5 pounds is equivalent to one of my breasts. I would literally kill to be 125 pounds. The other problem is the Hashimoto's. Yes, I can lose the weight, but it's a lot harder for me. I also don't know what my thyroid levels are at the moment.
The only good thing is that I feel more energetic for the most part. I just don't like the scale or the mirror at all. I can't believe I let myself get this way.
My major obstacle is time. I'm supposed to be exercising a minimum of 30 minutes a day. With my rotating schedule and long days, sometimes that is a challenge. I am on my feet at work quite a lot, but I also eat chips or chocolate for quick bursts of energy. Maybe I should bring carrots instead.
The reason why I started the weight loss program at work is because I was sitting in my allergist's office waiting to talk to him, he is adorable by the way, and I saw myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I am at my heaviest ever (236 lbs.) and I just don't feel great about myself. Part of it is poor diet and lack of exercise, but part of it is overcoming the stress from evil bank. I am high obese on the body max index scale. My ideal weight is 175, but I doubt that I will get there anytime soon. I did weight that once. The closest I've come to it was when I lived in England as I was 184lbs. I was still heavy, but I felt so great. It was easier over there because I walked everywhere and went to the gym 2-3 times a week. Now, it takes work to exercise. The bottom line is that I don't like myself when I look in the mirror.
Then there is the scale. I know that it's just numbers, but it's hard seeing those numbers when someone who was thin would complain about 5 pounds. 5 pounds is equivalent to one of my breasts. I would literally kill to be 125 pounds. The other problem is the Hashimoto's. Yes, I can lose the weight, but it's a lot harder for me. I also don't know what my thyroid levels are at the moment.
The only good thing is that I feel more energetic for the most part. I just don't like the scale or the mirror at all. I can't believe I let myself get this way.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
The Hospital
Last week, I went to the hospital for a crisis evaluation. It's not my proudest moment, but it is not my weakest either. I just got overwhelmed with life, my job, my finances and was starting to feel the way I felt when I was working at the bank. I'm haunted by the feelings of inadequacy and the fear that maybe they were right about me. The fear that I'm dangerous and insane. The truth is that I'm charming, friendly and bright. It's just my insecurity and over-thinking that led me to the ER.
I think I had gotten over the worst of the despair by the time I got to the ER. I told the receptionist that my therapist told me to go. She had a straight face as if she had seen it all. I guess working the front desk at the Emergency Room does that to people. I wasn't waiting for long when I was called into the triage area. The nurse was nice enough. Then I was taken to the crisis wing. Crisis is a locked ward that has security guards because I'm sure they get some psychotic patients. So when I got to the ward I was taken to a room. I was only allowed to keep my book and jewelry. They took my phone, my bad, my shoes and my clothes because I had to wear a hospital gown and scrub pants. The scrub pants were not designed for anyone about a size 6. They were a bit tight.
Then it was a parade of people. First a Physician's assistant came in to take my vitals and check my breathing. Then an administrator came in to make sure that they had the right insurance information and emergency contacts. Somehow they had my mother listed as my daughter...now that's just silly. I had a lovely lab technician come in and take my blood. We talked and joked and I felt charming, which is something that I hadn't felt in a while. Between all these people I was reading a book waiting for the clinical social worker to arrive to do the psych evaluation.
The social worker was very kind and understanding. Also joining us was a medical student on his crisis rotation. I remember I kept swaying my feet while I was talking so that I could keep moving. I was after all hanging out on a gurney with a pillow where nothing else but a chair and a tray table were in the room. The psychiatric evaluation includes a lot of questions like health history, substance abuse, and why I came in today. I told them about what happened at the bank and how the flashbacks and fear triggered the way I was feeling. They also asked about things I do to cope with my illnesses, which led to the point that most of the things I do, I do alone. Basically, I need more social interaction. The medical student only asked me if I had the basics of delusions or hallucinations. I do not, which means I am basically just run of the mill depressed. We also talked about my education and what I was thinking about for my PhD thesis( cultural history of mental illness in 16th and 17th century England). Then they both left to make some evaluations and to call my best friend and my therapist about the option of discharging me.
In the middle of the evaluation, an orderly brought me dinner. Now this particular hospital has decent food, which I know because my mother stayed there for knee surgery twice and I got to eat some of it. My dinner consisted of grilled chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, apple juice and pudding. I ate all of it because I was starving. I had only had water and a granola bar all day. As I was eating the chicken I was looking around for a knife to cut it with, then I remembered that I was in a locked ward where they put the mental patients before they get admitted. That made me chuckle due to my dark sense of humor.
The social worker came in and out a few times to check on me and let me know the progress of getting in touch with people. I read an entire book while waiting. Yet, I had nothing else to do because they took my phone, which is probably due to the fact that there have been many cases of social media contacts encouraging suicide. So, I took a nap. Now, if you can sleep in a crisis ward, you can basically sleep anywhere because there was one girl in another room crying and one man was walking the halls saying it was time for him to go. Yet, I still managed to sleep as I was overcome by exhaustion.
They did decide to discharge me after they got in touch with my friend and my therapist. I felt OK by then. I left the hospital with my papers and thanked them for their services. I texted my roommate to see if he wanted to get some food, so we ended up at Denny's, where I was still famished and at the lumberjack slam.
It was definitely and interesting experience. I don't think I ever want to get to the place where I have to go back there, but it was still interesting. I know that I need more people to hang out with. It sucks that a lot of my friends are so far away. We need to make time for people in general, but for someone with a mental illness it is crucial to their recovery. Illnesses are socially isolating. So, I guess I get to badger my friends into hanging out with me. A lot of them did, so maybe that will help. Basically people need people. It's not just those who are sick, it's everyone. We all need someone to rely on and I lost mine. It's time to start again.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Year 3
I'm on year 3 of trauma recovery. The first year was about getting to a functional place, which was difficult. The second year was about getting over the anger about what had happened to me. I think year 3 is about dealing with the loss and the loneliness that it brings. The hope in year 3 is to connect or reconnect with other people because the most difficult thing to admit after such a betrayal that I went through is, in fact, that I need other people.
I know year 2 is over because I'm not angry about what happened to me anymore. I don't hate the people that caused it because they are ignorant and narrow minded. Instead, I pity them. Pity is the worst human emotion. I pity them because most of them will never evolve beyond what they are and never see the world through a different lens. They are stagnant and live in the dark. They are part of the problem and for that I will never forgive them. I also pity Rose because he is still there. He deserves so much better, but he doesn't think he does. Bottom line though is that I am over them.
Now, I know that I miss him. He was such a huge part of my life and I put up a good fight because I lost him. Now I'm working on trying to connect to people. I'm friendly with people at work, but haven't really made any friends. I know that pharmacy is a small world and I get along with my coworkers and believe that I am admired by them. I gained a lot of knowledge in a short amount of time. I mean we did go on a social outing to Chipotle. At least it was fun.
I think I forgot how to connect with people. I think I am so bent on recovery that that has become my life. I want to talk to this guy and be cool, but I keep messing it up. I'm either quiet or am down when I see him. I must admit that February is never a good month for me and it takes time for me to adjust to new things. I know we like the same type of music and like to sing, but I am just awkward. I also rarely see my friends because we're all so busy. It's also difficult to do something in this place without money. I have found free things to do, which helps. I just want it to be warm again so maybe we can all get together and stay outside.
I think year 4 is about getting healthy, which means undoing all the physical harm and getting my weight back in check. Right now though, I need to make connections again, but I know that it's going to be slow. I know that nothing can replace what I had, but it's just a hole in me now. I guess it's going to be a long year.
I know year 2 is over because I'm not angry about what happened to me anymore. I don't hate the people that caused it because they are ignorant and narrow minded. Instead, I pity them. Pity is the worst human emotion. I pity them because most of them will never evolve beyond what they are and never see the world through a different lens. They are stagnant and live in the dark. They are part of the problem and for that I will never forgive them. I also pity Rose because he is still there. He deserves so much better, but he doesn't think he does. Bottom line though is that I am over them.
Now, I know that I miss him. He was such a huge part of my life and I put up a good fight because I lost him. Now I'm working on trying to connect to people. I'm friendly with people at work, but haven't really made any friends. I know that pharmacy is a small world and I get along with my coworkers and believe that I am admired by them. I gained a lot of knowledge in a short amount of time. I mean we did go on a social outing to Chipotle. At least it was fun.
I think I forgot how to connect with people. I think I am so bent on recovery that that has become my life. I want to talk to this guy and be cool, but I keep messing it up. I'm either quiet or am down when I see him. I must admit that February is never a good month for me and it takes time for me to adjust to new things. I know we like the same type of music and like to sing, but I am just awkward. I also rarely see my friends because we're all so busy. It's also difficult to do something in this place without money. I have found free things to do, which helps. I just want it to be warm again so maybe we can all get together and stay outside.
I think year 4 is about getting healthy, which means undoing all the physical harm and getting my weight back in check. Right now though, I need to make connections again, but I know that it's going to be slow. I know that nothing can replace what I had, but it's just a hole in me now. I guess it's going to be a long year.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
The Hauntings of Night
The hardest time of day for me is after the sun goes down. It's when I miss him and the old version of me. It's when I remember how happy I was with him for the short amount of time that he was my companion. Companion is a strange word because it can mean so many things. I think that maybe year 3 of recovery is getting me down.
It's said that it takes 4-5 years to get over trauma because there is a period of grief if you lose someone as a result of the trauma. I know that I have to let him go one day, but it took me so long to realize what type of relationship that I wanted and how happy that he made me that I don't believe that I will find that again. I've never been an obvious choice for a companion. I never mean lover/spouse/significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean something more akin to a best friend. Yes, some lovers are best friends and that is marvelous for those people, but for me they are separate things. A companion is someone you share your life with. In Grey's Anatomy it's "your person." I don't have that anymore. No one else considers me their person.
I can't replace him. Maybe I'm not supposed to, but it's hardest at night. I remember some of our conversations and the things that made my heart full. I know that I mattered to him and maybe I made him feel better for the short time we had. Not everyone gets to be with the person that makes them whole forever. That is why I wear the rose around my neck to remind me that I once had everything I needed.
I found the Doctor because of him. That was the thing that kept me alive in the darkness was the Doctor. It was really the gift of hope. That's what Doctor Who is about, hope. It's at night when I miss the things that changed my life. It's when I'm haunted by his memory because that's when I realize that my heart is still broken.
It's said that it takes 4-5 years to get over trauma because there is a period of grief if you lose someone as a result of the trauma. I know that I have to let him go one day, but it took me so long to realize what type of relationship that I wanted and how happy that he made me that I don't believe that I will find that again. I've never been an obvious choice for a companion. I never mean lover/spouse/significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean something more akin to a best friend. Yes, some lovers are best friends and that is marvelous for those people, but for me they are separate things. A companion is someone you share your life with. In Grey's Anatomy it's "your person." I don't have that anymore. No one else considers me their person.
I can't replace him. Maybe I'm not supposed to, but it's hardest at night. I remember some of our conversations and the things that made my heart full. I know that I mattered to him and maybe I made him feel better for the short time we had. Not everyone gets to be with the person that makes them whole forever. That is why I wear the rose around my neck to remind me that I once had everything I needed.
I found the Doctor because of him. That was the thing that kept me alive in the darkness was the Doctor. It was really the gift of hope. That's what Doctor Who is about, hope. It's at night when I miss the things that changed my life. It's when I'm haunted by his memory because that's when I realize that my heart is still broken.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Progress
I figured that I should just write about some of the progress that I've made. It's hasn't been an up and up trajectory. Honestly, it's been a bit of a roller coaster. However, I think I have improved a great deal. Some things I'm still working on, but overall, I think I'm getting there.
First of all, the cooking is going well. I don't always make spectacular gourmet meals, but I make some hearty flavorful things. The other day, I made pancakes with spicy home fries. The home fries were roasted red potatoes, onions and garlic drizzled with olive oil, salt, pepper, chillies and cayenne pepper. It was absolutely delicious. I've been on a kick of contrasts (ie sweet and spicy). Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to make Cornish hens with stuffing and veggies. My first attempts don't turn out so well.
I decided to start drawing. I haven't had an art class since middle school, but needed some type of art therapy. I only see my therapist 1-2 times a month, so I need something in between the sessions. I have to admit that they aren't very good. Part of why I started drawing was so that I could work on a major photo campaign. I was very proud of the shark I drew even if it wasn't perfect. I'm planning on a drawing trip to the local aquarium so that I can get more practice. A friend of mine said that she would like to join me on the trip.
I've also finally got my light box and have started light therapy when I'm at work. It says "happy light" on the front of the device, which kind of explains what it does. It is very bright and I only have it on for an hour or so. I have to say that is has improved me mood and alertness at work. However, daylight savings time is kicking my butt. It does every year though.
I am taking a writing class called Creative Nonfiction. I am on the second lesson out of 24 and still have the homework to complete. I have to write a short story based on a photo from my life. I haven't picked the picture yet. I'm sure my writing will improve by the end of the course. I do enjoy writing even if no one reads what I write.
I have a had a few set backs. I have been cutting on occasion. It's not to the point where it used to be, but it really stems from the loneliness. I do have a roommate, but due to our work schedules we don't see each other that often. I also wish that we all had more time to spend with our friends. I've been trying to get together with people, but things get rescheduled. The other problem is money. Since it's still technically winter a lot of my bills are high and there are very few free things to do in the area. I guess I have to wait till the end of April before things happen again.
I'm slowly getting to where I want to be, but it's not where I thought I'd be by now. I didn't think I'd be this alone. At least I have things to be thankful for, a job, friends, family and a place to live. I just miss having the support I used to.
First of all, the cooking is going well. I don't always make spectacular gourmet meals, but I make some hearty flavorful things. The other day, I made pancakes with spicy home fries. The home fries were roasted red potatoes, onions and garlic drizzled with olive oil, salt, pepper, chillies and cayenne pepper. It was absolutely delicious. I've been on a kick of contrasts (ie sweet and spicy). Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to make Cornish hens with stuffing and veggies. My first attempts don't turn out so well.
I decided to start drawing. I haven't had an art class since middle school, but needed some type of art therapy. I only see my therapist 1-2 times a month, so I need something in between the sessions. I have to admit that they aren't very good. Part of why I started drawing was so that I could work on a major photo campaign. I was very proud of the shark I drew even if it wasn't perfect. I'm planning on a drawing trip to the local aquarium so that I can get more practice. A friend of mine said that she would like to join me on the trip.
I've also finally got my light box and have started light therapy when I'm at work. It says "happy light" on the front of the device, which kind of explains what it does. It is very bright and I only have it on for an hour or so. I have to say that is has improved me mood and alertness at work. However, daylight savings time is kicking my butt. It does every year though.
I am taking a writing class called Creative Nonfiction. I am on the second lesson out of 24 and still have the homework to complete. I have to write a short story based on a photo from my life. I haven't picked the picture yet. I'm sure my writing will improve by the end of the course. I do enjoy writing even if no one reads what I write.
I have a had a few set backs. I have been cutting on occasion. It's not to the point where it used to be, but it really stems from the loneliness. I do have a roommate, but due to our work schedules we don't see each other that often. I also wish that we all had more time to spend with our friends. I've been trying to get together with people, but things get rescheduled. The other problem is money. Since it's still technically winter a lot of my bills are high and there are very few free things to do in the area. I guess I have to wait till the end of April before things happen again.
I'm slowly getting to where I want to be, but it's not where I thought I'd be by now. I didn't think I'd be this alone. At least I have things to be thankful for, a job, friends, family and a place to live. I just miss having the support I used to.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Simplicity
Today I did something simple. I had a tea party with a friend. It was just the two of us, sandwiches and a pot of tea. It was my friend Amy, who I hadn't seen in a very long time. I think it was the simplicity of just connecting with someone that made me content.
I have always enjoyed tea and have an amazing collection of tea cups that I have collected from England. I did buy a few of them when I spent time in Bristol for my MA, but most of them I got at garage sales in the local area. I haven't had a lot of chances to use them because I was living with my parents. I have a good portion of them out in my cupboards now, which makes me happy.
After Amy accepted my invitation, I planned the menu and the china. I decided on blue and white tea cups with a matching tea pot. The sandwiches were a bit more of a challenge since Amy is a vegetarian and I am not. Then I remembered that when I was in Girl Scouts my troop organized everything for the tea party. I decided on 3 types of sandwiches, which I had made for the GS tea party; traditional cucumber, creamy vegetable and cheddar tomato. They were all really easy to prepare and for not too much money. Plus they are all yummy.
The creamy vegetable is essentially vegetable cream cheese. There is a way to make them with mayo, but I cheated and went with the cream cheese because it had everything in it already. When pressed for time just go with the cream cheese. The cheddar and tomato is exactly what it says with a little bit of mayo. The traditional cucumber is simple: butter and thinly sliced cucumber. I really enjoyed them and I think Amy did too.
It was great to just chat over a cup of tea (or 4). It wasn't high tea, but it was tea nonetheless. Something that was comforting and familiar on a chilly winter's evening. It was a simply amazing evening to spend with another person.
I have always enjoyed tea and have an amazing collection of tea cups that I have collected from England. I did buy a few of them when I spent time in Bristol for my MA, but most of them I got at garage sales in the local area. I haven't had a lot of chances to use them because I was living with my parents. I have a good portion of them out in my cupboards now, which makes me happy.
After Amy accepted my invitation, I planned the menu and the china. I decided on blue and white tea cups with a matching tea pot. The sandwiches were a bit more of a challenge since Amy is a vegetarian and I am not. Then I remembered that when I was in Girl Scouts my troop organized everything for the tea party. I decided on 3 types of sandwiches, which I had made for the GS tea party; traditional cucumber, creamy vegetable and cheddar tomato. They were all really easy to prepare and for not too much money. Plus they are all yummy.
The creamy vegetable is essentially vegetable cream cheese. There is a way to make them with mayo, but I cheated and went with the cream cheese because it had everything in it already. When pressed for time just go with the cream cheese. The cheddar and tomato is exactly what it says with a little bit of mayo. The traditional cucumber is simple: butter and thinly sliced cucumber. I really enjoyed them and I think Amy did too.
It was great to just chat over a cup of tea (or 4). It wasn't high tea, but it was tea nonetheless. Something that was comforting and familiar on a chilly winter's evening. It was a simply amazing evening to spend with another person.
Friday, February 27, 2015
I Have Been
"I have been and always shall be your friend." That is one of the most powerful quotes I've ever heard and it was first said by Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as he was dying, having saved the Enterprise. Leonard Nimoy passed away today at the age of 83. All I could think of when I heard the news was that line followed by Admiral Kirk's simple, "No."
So why, out of every quote in every fandom, do I always remember this one line? It's because real friendships never die. They survive even death itself. I actual used that line in my last letter to Rose. I meant it too. He may not care for me anymore, but I shall always be his friend. That line while poignant always leaves me with a slightly empty feeling. Maybe because one person is gone, but the whole world seems empty. I miss my friend because that's what he will always be.
I also think that Leonard Nimoy delivered the most memorable scene in all of Star Trek because it illustrates how important friendship is. These were two people, Kirk and Spock, whose friendship they relied on. They accomplished so much together. Sometimes I think people forget how important friendships are. Some friendships can change your life and it doesn't matter how brief the friendship is because that is a relationship, that at its heart, is the most human.
I would just like to thank Mr. Nimoy for that beautifully delivered line. It has been one of the defining scenes of my life. You will be missed.
So why, out of every quote in every fandom, do I always remember this one line? It's because real friendships never die. They survive even death itself. I actual used that line in my last letter to Rose. I meant it too. He may not care for me anymore, but I shall always be his friend. That line while poignant always leaves me with a slightly empty feeling. Maybe because one person is gone, but the whole world seems empty. I miss my friend because that's what he will always be.
I also think that Leonard Nimoy delivered the most memorable scene in all of Star Trek because it illustrates how important friendship is. These were two people, Kirk and Spock, whose friendship they relied on. They accomplished so much together. Sometimes I think people forget how important friendships are. Some friendships can change your life and it doesn't matter how brief the friendship is because that is a relationship, that at its heart, is the most human.
I would just like to thank Mr. Nimoy for that beautifully delivered line. It has been one of the defining scenes of my life. You will be missed.
Monday, February 23, 2015
We Should Talk About It
Everyone knows that the Oscars always have a political element to them, which is why Selma won for best song. The politics of the Oscars is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the people who openly talked about suicide. There was a short documentary winner who lost her son to suicide and said we need to talk about it. Then there was Graham Moore who wrote an amazing screenplay about Alan Turing, who is a suspected victim of suicide because he was different. Suicide needs to be addressed and talked about in more than just hushed tones.
I have been the weird kid. I've always been different and felt like I haven't belonged anywhere. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong. I think I finally found a job that I really enjoy, but I still have dreams of a museum to be created, books to write and a nonprofit to run. However, there are days when I don't think life is really worth living (sorry parents).
I wanted to write about how you as a friend/family member/co worker can help someone that is possibly feeling so down or in so much pain that dying looks like a better option. First let's starts with some statistics. It's approximated that 1 in 4 adults has a mental illness of some kind (Loving Someone with a Mental Illness). Also, Suicide claims the lives of over 39,000 people every year, which is higher than cancer and car accidents (USA Today), yet we don't talk about suicide because of the stigma. We, as a society, don't do much to prevent this problem.
Since many people aren't engineers who can prevent exhaust on cars or people that create apps to crisis centers or are in the mental health profession, what can a regular person do for someone that is talking or thinking about suicide? There is quite a lot you can do to help someone.
1) Listen to the person in a nonjudgmental way. Do not tell the person that they are being selfish because the person honestly believes that everyone in the world, their family, their friends, their kids would be better off without them.
2) Get the person out of the house if possible.
3) If you can't listen refer them to a crisis chat like 1-800-273-TALK or if you are an employer your company's Employee Assistance Program.
4) If it's a crisis call 911 or get the local hospital's crisis team to the person.
5) Sit with them.
6) Put on a funny movie
7) Bring over paints, paper or a sketch pad and let them draw or paint out their feelings.
8) Take them out for a meal. They should eat something because odds are they don't want to.
9) Pick up the phone. A text is not the same as a human voice.
10) Take them for a walk. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, anxiety and depression.
This is in no way a definitive list of ways to help, but I believe that we need to talk about suicide because it is preventable. The worst things that you can do is judge and/or do nothing. You can help someone. Talk about suicide. Don't stay silent!
I have been the weird kid. I've always been different and felt like I haven't belonged anywhere. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong. I think I finally found a job that I really enjoy, but I still have dreams of a museum to be created, books to write and a nonprofit to run. However, there are days when I don't think life is really worth living (sorry parents).
I wanted to write about how you as a friend/family member/co worker can help someone that is possibly feeling so down or in so much pain that dying looks like a better option. First let's starts with some statistics. It's approximated that 1 in 4 adults has a mental illness of some kind (Loving Someone with a Mental Illness). Also, Suicide claims the lives of over 39,000 people every year, which is higher than cancer and car accidents (USA Today), yet we don't talk about suicide because of the stigma. We, as a society, don't do much to prevent this problem.
Since many people aren't engineers who can prevent exhaust on cars or people that create apps to crisis centers or are in the mental health profession, what can a regular person do for someone that is talking or thinking about suicide? There is quite a lot you can do to help someone.
1) Listen to the person in a nonjudgmental way. Do not tell the person that they are being selfish because the person honestly believes that everyone in the world, their family, their friends, their kids would be better off without them.
2) Get the person out of the house if possible.
3) If you can't listen refer them to a crisis chat like 1-800-273-TALK or if you are an employer your company's Employee Assistance Program.
4) If it's a crisis call 911 or get the local hospital's crisis team to the person.
5) Sit with them.
6) Put on a funny movie
7) Bring over paints, paper or a sketch pad and let them draw or paint out their feelings.
8) Take them out for a meal. They should eat something because odds are they don't want to.
9) Pick up the phone. A text is not the same as a human voice.
10) Take them for a walk. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, anxiety and depression.
This is in no way a definitive list of ways to help, but I believe that we need to talk about suicide because it is preventable. The worst things that you can do is judge and/or do nothing. You can help someone. Talk about suicide. Don't stay silent!
Friday, February 13, 2015
The Heart
The lore is that the source of all feeling is the heart. While medically this is untrue losing someone makes one's heart hurt. Valentine's day is coming and it's a day that I dislike because sometimes it reminds me of how lonely I am. Not sure if it's just the time of year that reminds me of this loneliness or if it's the fact that many others are celebrating that they love someone.
I've only had one real relationship and like many relationships, distance and differences ended that. He was a very kind man, but we didn't have very much in common in the end. I think a lot of people don't see me. I know that I'm different and sometimes difficult, but that doesn't mean that I should be any less valued.
What I really want is a romantic friend. I've never been a great lover. I want someone to cuddle with and share my life with. I had that once and that is why I wear a rosebud around my neck. I know that he cared deeply for me and for a short time I mattered to someone who mattered to me. I hope that I can get that again.
This Valentine's is another that I will spend watching everyone else celebrate their love and I will be going on as if it is a normal Saturday off. However, Sunday is 50% off candy day!
I've only had one real relationship and like many relationships, distance and differences ended that. He was a very kind man, but we didn't have very much in common in the end. I think a lot of people don't see me. I know that I'm different and sometimes difficult, but that doesn't mean that I should be any less valued.
What I really want is a romantic friend. I've never been a great lover. I want someone to cuddle with and share my life with. I had that once and that is why I wear a rosebud around my neck. I know that he cared deeply for me and for a short time I mattered to someone who mattered to me. I hope that I can get that again.
This Valentine's is another that I will spend watching everyone else celebrate their love and I will be going on as if it is a normal Saturday off. However, Sunday is 50% off candy day!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
There is Life After Trauma
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm still here. I was put through a horrific trauma caused by my former job, which they kept re-traumatizing me because of their ignorance. Recovery is a winding, imperfect trajectory. It's been 2 years since Doomsday and my life overall is pretty good. There is life after a trauma.
I won't rehash all that the bank did. That's already been written about on this blog. See Doomsday for the events of the day that changed me life. So what has happened that makes me feel like I've changed my view on life? I got a decent job and got a roommate.
I went to therapy today as I usually do because I go on a regular basis. My depression is caused by a physical illness, which means it's always there. It was compounded by the situation caused by the bank. Now, I'm much better than I was 2 years ago. It takes 4-5 years to get over trauma. It will still hurt and I will always miss Rose, but it won't be as raw. Basically 2-3 years to go.
One thing that happened the other day was there was this "friend" who told me that I loved to talk about myself and only about myself. That was deeply hurtful because I have never thought of myself as self-absorbed. Everyone is selfish to a degree because that's human nature, however, I do a lot of things for other people. I am involved with more love letters. I teach Sunday School, which is essentially a volunteer position. I have a job where I help people who are sick. Though it might be a minor part, I still help people. I really want friends, but I need the supportive nonjudgmental ones. I don't believe that I will be talking to this person anymore because she was wrong. I'm not all about me, she was upset because when she wanted to hang out, I wasn't all about her and available.
So life goes on after a trauma. It isn't easy and I never thought I'd even make it this far. It's not a constant struggle anymore, but I still have dark days. There is so much to look forward to in the next few years. My life isn't a rose garden, but I'm in the process of getting to OK.
I won't rehash all that the bank did. That's already been written about on this blog. See Doomsday for the events of the day that changed me life. So what has happened that makes me feel like I've changed my view on life? I got a decent job and got a roommate.
I went to therapy today as I usually do because I go on a regular basis. My depression is caused by a physical illness, which means it's always there. It was compounded by the situation caused by the bank. Now, I'm much better than I was 2 years ago. It takes 4-5 years to get over trauma. It will still hurt and I will always miss Rose, but it won't be as raw. Basically 2-3 years to go.
One thing that happened the other day was there was this "friend" who told me that I loved to talk about myself and only about myself. That was deeply hurtful because I have never thought of myself as self-absorbed. Everyone is selfish to a degree because that's human nature, however, I do a lot of things for other people. I am involved with more love letters. I teach Sunday School, which is essentially a volunteer position. I have a job where I help people who are sick. Though it might be a minor part, I still help people. I really want friends, but I need the supportive nonjudgmental ones. I don't believe that I will be talking to this person anymore because she was wrong. I'm not all about me, she was upset because when she wanted to hang out, I wasn't all about her and available.
So life goes on after a trauma. It isn't easy and I never thought I'd even make it this far. It's not a constant struggle anymore, but I still have dark days. There is so much to look forward to in the next few years. My life isn't a rose garden, but I'm in the process of getting to OK.
Friday, January 30, 2015
The Dichotomy
There is a dichotomy within me, which still baffles me. I do things to take care of myself and my body, yet there is still a destructive force within me. I don't completely understand it, but maybe if I do, then I could be free.
The thing is that I am being more conscious of what I put in my body. I am working on eating more fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to reduce my sugar and fat intake. I'm also doing yoga and trying to figure out an exercise plan. I also use perfumes, lotions and creams to make my skin look better. Those are all good things.
I have a job, despite the long rotating hours and the crazy people, that I love. I never even imagined going into pharmacy, but the truth is that I help people everyday. Are some of them obnoxious and rude? Of course, but some of them are in pain and I help them in a small way to get better. The hardest part is when insurance companies do not cooperate. I do the best I can because I'm part of a team.
The dichotomy is that sometimes the depression gets the best of me. Sometimes I'll cut especially when I'm not sleeping well. I'm trying to correct this problem. The dichotomy is that I take care of myself while at the same time, I destroy myself.
I don't completely understand it. A friend of mine told me that recovery is not a straight trajectory upwards, but is more like a roller coaster until it evens out. Maybe I'm just on that roller coaster. It's almost 2 years since Doomsday. 2 years since an employer decided that they needed to tell me who I could be friends with. This employer made my life a misery. It was hell. I don't remember a majority of one year because of that. It's not that I lost my friend. I lost several people because of that 1 day. I gained 35lbs because of that place. I lost confidence and got huge medical bills. One day planted in egregious ignorance caused the road that I'm on.
I am trying to get better. I am trying to recover. I'm trying to do something positive with my life that is slightly hindered by my disability. Right now I have a dichotomy within me. Hopefully it will not always be that way. Change is difficult. Recovering from trauma is difficult. Maybe the dichotomy will faded, maybe it won't. However, I'm still here. I survived.
The thing is that I am being more conscious of what I put in my body. I am working on eating more fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to reduce my sugar and fat intake. I'm also doing yoga and trying to figure out an exercise plan. I also use perfumes, lotions and creams to make my skin look better. Those are all good things.
I have a job, despite the long rotating hours and the crazy people, that I love. I never even imagined going into pharmacy, but the truth is that I help people everyday. Are some of them obnoxious and rude? Of course, but some of them are in pain and I help them in a small way to get better. The hardest part is when insurance companies do not cooperate. I do the best I can because I'm part of a team.
The dichotomy is that sometimes the depression gets the best of me. Sometimes I'll cut especially when I'm not sleeping well. I'm trying to correct this problem. The dichotomy is that I take care of myself while at the same time, I destroy myself.
I don't completely understand it. A friend of mine told me that recovery is not a straight trajectory upwards, but is more like a roller coaster until it evens out. Maybe I'm just on that roller coaster. It's almost 2 years since Doomsday. 2 years since an employer decided that they needed to tell me who I could be friends with. This employer made my life a misery. It was hell. I don't remember a majority of one year because of that. It's not that I lost my friend. I lost several people because of that 1 day. I gained 35lbs because of that place. I lost confidence and got huge medical bills. One day planted in egregious ignorance caused the road that I'm on.
I am trying to get better. I am trying to recover. I'm trying to do something positive with my life that is slightly hindered by my disability. Right now I have a dichotomy within me. Hopefully it will not always be that way. Change is difficult. Recovering from trauma is difficult. Maybe the dichotomy will faded, maybe it won't. However, I'm still here. I survived.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
New Practice
Well, it's not necessarily new for me. I took a yoga class several years ago and really enjoyed it because it fixed my back and I felt calmer. I decided that this year I wanted to bring yoga back into my daily life. As I was at Aldi's, which is the best grocery store ever, they had a package called the gift of yoga, which only cost $4. It had a DVD and a guide book. That was how I got started on yoga again.
It's only been a week since I started yoga, but I feel more energized. Though I did realize how my flexibility and balance went down the toilet in the years since I took yoga. I'm hoping that these things will come back as I start incorporating the practice. Right now I'm only doing yoga 3 times a week for 15 minutes because it is that intense. I think if I keep working at it, I will feel better overall.
Yoga has some great health benefits, which is why I wanted to start again. It helps with energy and relaxation. Since I have problems with energy due to my thyroid condition, I think that the practice will help me with my lack of energy. It should also help with my cholesterol as yoga technically counts as exercise.
It's an improvement that I hope that I can continue.
It's only been a week since I started yoga, but I feel more energized. Though I did realize how my flexibility and balance went down the toilet in the years since I took yoga. I'm hoping that these things will come back as I start incorporating the practice. Right now I'm only doing yoga 3 times a week for 15 minutes because it is that intense. I think if I keep working at it, I will feel better overall.
Yoga has some great health benefits, which is why I wanted to start again. It helps with energy and relaxation. Since I have problems with energy due to my thyroid condition, I think that the practice will help me with my lack of energy. It should also help with my cholesterol as yoga technically counts as exercise.
It's an improvement that I hope that I can continue.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Episode
This past week I had an episode of depression. I'm still not sure what caused it, but it was 2 days of just feeling like a worthless fat lump. I was fine when I was at work because I was around people. I guess I feel incomplete.
A lot of people say that there will be more people to fill up my life. That is a lovely thought, but I am dealing with chronic loneliness. There was always something missing until Rose. He made me like myself despite all my flaws. That's a first. I miss the conversations that we used to have. He was exactly what I wanted. He was my affectionate friend.
Now, I have to say that my loneliness stems from the fact that I'm different. Not just that I'm Jewish in a largely Christian society, but I'm also gender fluid and am largely asexual. I might as well be a Time Lord with that many differences. Now it's definition time. Being Gender Fluid for me is feeling sometimes female, sometimes male, sometimes a mix of both and sometimes neither. Maybe I'm a drag queen in a way. As for being asexual, I am hetero romantic in that I prefer men and just want romance/affection. Sex is not really my thing. Maybe that's why being a pro domme as a back up career appealed to me because I wouldn't have to be intimate with anyone. It's tough being different. I haven't met anyone else like me. #timelordproblems.
I think it sets me apart because being married might be nice, but having children is essentially out. I do miss physical affection like hand holding and hugs. I think this might have added to the episode of depression that I had last week. I do have a roommate, but we have opposite schedules. We do hang out and talk, but it's not the same thing that I had with Rose.
I also miss seeing my friends. I do work a lot at my job and it doesn't really have a 9-5 schedule, but I miss having fun. The two things that I'm missing from my recovery is the socialization part outside of work and exercise. The latter is easier to accomplish than the former. I'm actually thinking of volunteering just as an excuse to not be alone as much.
Maybe I'll be plagued with these episodes until the end. I don't understand how people became so isolated, but sometimes I think that this loneliness is killing me.
A lot of people say that there will be more people to fill up my life. That is a lovely thought, but I am dealing with chronic loneliness. There was always something missing until Rose. He made me like myself despite all my flaws. That's a first. I miss the conversations that we used to have. He was exactly what I wanted. He was my affectionate friend.
Now, I have to say that my loneliness stems from the fact that I'm different. Not just that I'm Jewish in a largely Christian society, but I'm also gender fluid and am largely asexual. I might as well be a Time Lord with that many differences. Now it's definition time. Being Gender Fluid for me is feeling sometimes female, sometimes male, sometimes a mix of both and sometimes neither. Maybe I'm a drag queen in a way. As for being asexual, I am hetero romantic in that I prefer men and just want romance/affection. Sex is not really my thing. Maybe that's why being a pro domme as a back up career appealed to me because I wouldn't have to be intimate with anyone. It's tough being different. I haven't met anyone else like me. #timelordproblems.
I think it sets me apart because being married might be nice, but having children is essentially out. I do miss physical affection like hand holding and hugs. I think this might have added to the episode of depression that I had last week. I do have a roommate, but we have opposite schedules. We do hang out and talk, but it's not the same thing that I had with Rose.
I also miss seeing my friends. I do work a lot at my job and it doesn't really have a 9-5 schedule, but I miss having fun. The two things that I'm missing from my recovery is the socialization part outside of work and exercise. The latter is easier to accomplish than the former. I'm actually thinking of volunteering just as an excuse to not be alone as much.
Maybe I'll be plagued with these episodes until the end. I don't understand how people became so isolated, but sometimes I think that this loneliness is killing me.
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