Why Fight?

One of the questions that I get asked when I tell my story about the bank, is why am I fighting them?  To quote the Doctor, "Because you didn't know her name."  The CEO that I told about the charges of discrimination against me by HR never ever pronounced my name correctly.  My legal name is Leah it's pronounced lay-ah like star wars, but I get lee or lee-ah.  She called me Layla or never used my name at all.  As a leader, when someone makes a serious complaint that requires investigation (not 3 days) you should know their name.

That just made it clear that I didn't matter.  I learned a lot from the Doctor when I was at my lowest and one of the things I learned is that everyone is important.  I know that the Doctor would fight the injustice done to me. He would be appalled by the treatment I received because I am different.  Since the Doctor is only a fictional character in this universe, I have to stand up for myself. 

On the plus side, I'm alive.  Alive can be sad because depression and Hashimoto's makes life complicated.  However, I did lose a bit, but not enough to kill me.  I will make sure people know what the bank did because they should not be allowed to get away with it

So I am doing what I can because I matter.  It took me a long time to get to that point.  Alive is sad when its over and I hope that it won't be over for a long time. When Robin Williams died it was sad because his life, which brought light to so many others' was over.  I'm still alive and I want to make a difference.  That company tried so hard to bring me down, but they couldn't take the Doctor away from me.  I will fight until I can't anymore because that's what the Doctor would do and we all know that I might be a time lord. We all know that being a time lord is lonely, but for now I am here to make a difference, so I will do battle with words. 

Wellness Plan Updated

I've been lacking on my wellness plan because I changed jobs and had to adjust to a new variable schedule.  The worst part is that I am eating junk food instead of healthy foods.  I have been craving sugar and salt.  My worst choice is regular soda.  I know that I am less stressed, but I think my body will agree with me more if I get eat better.

So the plan is as follows:

1) Cardio exercise when not working
2) Strength exercises on day when I do work
3) Post One Good Thing a day
4) Have a weekly social event
5) Rent Movies from Library
6) Check in with Geof and/or Sarah
7) Plan healthy meals for the week
8) Read to 3-4 books a month
9) Follow the 15 minute rule
10) Take a bubble bath once a week. (I do shower daily)
11) Write in Journal
12) Record Calories
13) Do something special once a month
14) Continue with long term goals list

I am excited to start doing these things.  I know that the special thing once a month doesn't necessarily need to cost money, but it's just something that makes the month different.  I think this month, I will go to the craft fair.  I don't need anything, but I love looking and smelling things that other more talented people create.

I'm also craving Chinese food.  So maybe next time I get paid, I will get some.  My last paycheck will be before my parents leave.  I am going to try to stick to this plan because therapy can only do so much.  I have to do the rest.

I'm Not Broken

I'm not broken, but I feel that way sometimes.  I believed it at times when I was dealing with everything at the bank.  It was especially true when they made him choose between a friendship with me and his job.  That was uncalled for and unethical.

I work at a better company now and I realized that I am not broken because I am functional.  I haven't told anyone about the depression brought on by Hashimoto's.  I got along well with the supervisors and manager, yet I am sad that I am transferring.  I hope that I can transfer back once the training is done. 

I never wanted sympathy for my disorder and I wanted to be feared for it even less.  I believe that I received both from the bank.  CVS knows that I have a disability for statistic purposes, but they never asked what it was.  All they said was that they were required to provide a reasonable accommodation if I needed it.  They actually know the laws, which is amazing.

I am looking forward to being a pharmacy tech.  I know that some of the drugs will assist in my advocacy.  Some of the top 100 prescribed drugs are anti-depressants.  At least I will know them when I have to talk to people about them.  The hardest thing with drugs is making sure people take them.  As a tech that is not my responsibility.

I know how strong I am.  I will stand up for myself this time.  I am ready to try to care about someone again.  I'm not broken and I don't think I am anymore.  I'll be ok.

Grateful

I went to training today and I am very grateful for being employed by a growing company and being given the chance to help people in a small way.  Part of it is customer service, but I am going to help people in a small way.  I know that it will be tough, but I hope that it will be worth it.

I can't believe that I got hired so quickly and that I wasn't judged for the fact that I left the bank.  I also met a supervisor who looks a bit like Rose.  I was surprised how similar they looked.  He even gives some of the same looks.  I am trying really hard to stare at him.

I am just grateful for the second chance and not being judged by a past.  I'm a bit different now and I can still do my mental health advocacy work.

Amazingly Damaged

I'm always amazed by how damaged I was while working at the bank.  Yes, they caused the injury and inflicted what seemed like irrevocable damage, but I survived.  I didn't think I would at the time, but I am strong.  That doesn't mean that I doubt myself, but I try to muscle through.

I realized how much damage the bank had done to me when I was looking for more hours at my job and found out that I was hired as part time.  I was a bit distraught at this notion because my expenses are mounting and I have a lot of maintenance medical bills.  I've cut back on my therapy because it is expensive out of pocket.  I was preparing for a big fight because everything at the bank turned into an ordeal.  Every victory at the bank was Pyrrhic.

When I sat down with my manager to discuss it, she explained to me that part timers can only get 30 hrs and the pharmacy only makes enough to allow for 10 tech hours.  I was disappointed, however she came up with a solution.  Since I wanted full time and would like to be in the pharmacy section of the store, I will be transferred to a different store.  It's like the manager actually wants me to succeed.  I was surprised.

I'm not going to sing this company's praises just yet.  It's a corporation, which means that politics and money will be involved.  I am, however, very impressed with it so far.  I feel more like an adult there.  A trusted employee who has great potential.  I do need some direction with the front end and how to do things in the pharmacy, but I am new.

I am trying to get better and move past the depression and the damaged that had wrecked my life and my health.  I was amazingly damaged, but I'm healing now.  I will be scarred and I will miss all the friends I lost, but I survived.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I think I have a bright future .

Disappointed

I'm kind of disappointed in myself at the moment.  I do like my job at the pharmacy, but found out that it was part time.  It sounded to me like it would be full time, so it seems like a bait and switch was done.  It's my fault for not reading everything completely.  However, the good thing is that I have a job and am once again employable.  Now I just need something to make up the hours.

I don't want to leave the pharmacy because it seems like a good opportunity.  My store seems chill, but there are some kinks to work out.  I like working and I enjoy learning new things.  Unfortunately, my MA is not translating into any type of career that makes it so that I can pay off my loans much less have a social life.  The problem with both is that they can spike my depression and anxiety.


Of course I'm dealing with my disappointment by eating junk food and drinking beer.  I'm going to just gain 100 pounds just by doing that.  I am active at work because it's a lot of walking in.  I'm just always stuck in a bad place that I can't seem to escape from.  Right now I'm not as bad as I was at the bank, but I have not completely recovered.

I wish I could get better.  My life so far has not been what I envisioned it to be.  I don't know if anyone's life goes the way they expect to.    I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I got the MA because I wanted it.  I don't know what I want to do with it.  I know that I want to help people and I'm good with mental health and the law.  I just need to get out of the funk.

I do wish the world was less about making money and how to be better.  Looks like I won't be getting off the meds or therapy any time soon.

Oh Captain, My Captain

"What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference." - Patch Adams

In a time of my own personal heartbreak and survival, I am utterly shocked and saddened by the passing of Robin Williams in what is being reported as a suicide.  He was one of those people who brought happiness and laughter to people all over the world.  That is a great gift and that is how he will be remembered.  His publicist said that he was suffering from severe depression.  Just because he had a mental illness doesn't make his passing his fault or any less sad.

It has been said that many comedians have demons and its those demons that make them funny.  Depression and addiction, things which Williams suffered from, are not the individual's fault.  They are chronic illnesses, which anyone can get.  I will repeat that.  Anyone can become depressed.  It's like cancer in that way.  When it is managed depression can be like diabetes, but it requires attention as spikes can always occur.  It is a devastating illness, which is why it is labeled a disability.

I can understand wanting to die as a way out.  It's freedom from all the hell that the illness puts you through.  In fact, depression tells you the world is better off with you.  Positive thinking can only do so much.  I wish Robin Williams was still here because he made people laugh.  Wealth and fame do not make someone immune from the darkness of depression.  In fact, I believe it isolates the sufferers more because many people will say that Williams had nothing to be depressed about.  Depression doesn't follow reason, it just exists.  So, I can understand many of the tweets saying Genie, you are free, which is fromm Aladdin.  However, suicide is not the best course of action.  Many survivors of suicide attempts even say that they were hoping anyone would stop them at the last second.  It breaks my heart that Robin Williams is dead.  He is gone, but will never be forgotten.

I know that Williams was working on a 12 step program, but depression requires more help than that.  My favorite movies of Williams are the ones where he can be more serious like Dead Poets Society, which I saw in English class.  I also adored him in Patch Adams.  He was talented and gifted.  I also remember him doing a documentary about dolphins.  He was manic and high octane, but underneath that there must have been an enormous amount of pain. 

I wish that there was not so much stigma about mental illness.  I know I have faced discrimination because of it.  I believe that this stigma adds so much to the isolation of the sufferer that it is detrimental.  I hope the stigma ends, but tonight I am sad that someone who brought so much light to the world, ended by his own hand.

The title of this piece comes from Dead Poets Society and is a poem by Walt Whitman about Abraham Lincoln following his assassination.  As Mr. Keating in the film, Williams inspires his students, but is ultimately dismissed after one of the students commits suicide.  The students he taught remained loyal to him.  It's a tug at the heart strings, but incredibly necessary.  RIP Robin Williams, you were extraordinary and will be much missed by many.

I know

Sometimes I am haunted.  My dreams sometimes feel so real.  I don't know if I'm mind jumping into someone else's memories or if they are from the past.  Some of the things that I see are horrible.  I know how terrible has been, is and may always be.  Then I have dreams of him and I am calm for a moment and then I stop because I miss him.

After the experience at the bank, I know that I won't be able to talk to him as long as he is an employee there.  I did file a complaint with the EEOC and used him in it as someone who was treated better than me because he hasn't disclosed his illness.  His illness makes him more reckless than me.  Yet I miss him because he understands the lows.  I remember how much lonely I felt when he was part of my life.  I think I actually glowed.

Yes, I have a broken heart and it will eventually scar, but I know that I won't love someone else in the same way.  I know that everything ends sometime, but it doesn't mean that the ending doesn't hurt.  I think we calmed each other.  People with Bipolar disorder need someone mostly a therapist to challenge them when they are in disorder.  I learned a lot from him and it was his encouragement that made me want to start Pile of Good Things in the first place.

I'm trying to move forward, but there is that heartache.  It seems like my time at the bank was another life, a dream.  He was the only real thing in that dream, well nightmare really. 

If it can be remembered, it can come back.

A Little Drop of Anxiety

I'm taking training classes to become a pharmacy technician.  They are OK so far, as pick up is not too difficult to deal with, but the next stations that I will be learning about are much more difficult because they involve drugs and insurance. 

It is a very intense 18 week program because there are so many regulations and privacy laws that must be followed otherwise losing your job is a very real possibility.  Since my store is brand new, the staffing is kind of in chaos, which is why I have 2 days of double shifts.  I also have to have some time in the pharmacy to get my on the job training.  The trainer is very serious about getting this done otherwise I can get kicked out of the program and possibly lose my job.  That causes a bit of anxiety for me.  It's still low grade, but I have to make sure that it doesn't spiral.

It's a lot more communication than I am used to, but I think that it's for the best because the bank operated on miscommunication.  I just have to be more vocal about what I need.  This has never been easy for me because I am shy initially.  Now I need to figure out a professional side and keep some things secret.  I don't believe that depression should ever be held against anyone, but the amount of stigma has led to so much devastation.

I won't have to disclose this time because the company is large enough that I won't stand out.  It's the first time that I am working for a large corporation, but the training program is still causing me some anxiety.

We'll see how I survive my double shifts.

I won

I'm not quite sure how I managed it, but I won the appeal for my unemployment benefits.  It was only 4 weeks worth of benefits that I fought for because I started a new job with a new company last week, which I am enjoying so far.  I must say that it is a lot of training, but I am getting things done and learning a lot.  I'm glad that it is over and that I am finished with the bank.  I moved on long before I went to the hearing.  They still seem bent on a vendetta and making me miserable.  I pity them.

I was trying to remain calm and factual at the hearing.  The only thing that I wish I objected to was the use of my written statement that was part of the banks evidence against me.  I wanted to object because it was written under duress, but ultimately part of it helped me to win the appeal.  I also didn't get to the discriminatory treatment when it came to the other person that got fired on the same day whose unemployment was not contested.  However, I won and I don't believe the bank will appeal because it is on documentation only. 

I won because in CT law, wilful misconduct is a result of a final act after warnings that was done despite knowing that the job was in jeopardy.  I was fired as a result of a culmination of minor infractions not wilful misconduct.  I am fighting my termination because it was disparate treatment and retaliation for reporting discrimination and major depressive disorder.  The medical evidence also helped me win the case.

I feel lifted and vindicated because someone believed me.  Now hopefully my health will recover and I can be a great leader and employee in my future.  My battles are never over, but I can be me.  A more wise version of myself, but still me.  The only thing that I regret is that I couldn't repair my relationship with him.  There were mitigating circumstances and the company destroyed that relationship.  He should leave that place as soon as possible.

I would not recommend that bank or any of its agents to anyone.  Having employees is a sign that your company is doing well and growing.  Employees are a privilege to have.  Yet, too many companies treat their employees as dispensable.  I learned a lot from the bank in how not to treat employees and how a company culture can create or enhance mental illness.

I'm better off without all of them.