Bad Day

I try very hard to get better and fit in even though I'm dying inside.  I don't know what happens with me.  I have a few good days then I'm back to feeling sad.  I just feel like I'm failing at everything and I don't need to be reminded constantly of my failure. 

We had a meeting at work today and for people with depression/anxiety issues showing how big goals are, is very overwhelming.  It seems completely unattainable.  Things need to be broken down into chunks, so it's easier to deal with.  Instead of saying the whole house must be cleaned, say that this week, we'll focus on the bedroom and then go from there.  Saying we need 5 million in sales this year is such a large number that I have no idea how to even get there.

I'm just done with everything in my life.  I basically just wish that it was over.  I know that I'm only 28, but I don't think I'm strong enough for this fight.  I was trying to think back to if my life was easier when I was cutting.  I know that it wasn't, but it's getting harder to resist that urge.  Everyone says that life gets better, but what if it doesn't?

It's been a year since Doomsday and while I am functional, I am not better.  I'm not constantly depressed, but I've lost everyone. I don't understand any of this.  I know that I have to get a place to live and take care of myself.  I just want time off to fix things and I want him because he's not there.

My life is in a tailspin this week.  I just want one good thing to happen, but it doesn't seem likely.  I'm not doing well with fundraising or sales or even keeping friends.  It's just been a difficult week.

The thing that turned this day around were my 5th graders.  They did such an amazing job at running the service.  It's amazing sometimes how much kids can do.

I just have to keep trying and do the best I can.  I still miss a lot, but that is part of being alive.  Living is the hardest part.

Burn Out

I think I'm burning out.  Our sales are terrible and I keep making mistakes.  I think because I have an anxiety disorder and mild depression, it is harder for me to deal with stress.  My job while only requiring a high school education can be pretty stressful.  I was so much better in 2012.  Recovering is the hardest part of everything.

I really don't know how to combat burnout since there is little stability at my job.  Turnover is outrageous and I don't think very many people like me.  It's incredibly difficult trying to get better when nothing changes.  It's also very easy to slack off, which is what I've been doing because of the cold. 

Yesterday was a very painful meeting because it was a company wide meeting so he was there and so was my ex friend.  I talked to him a bit and he seems very tired expect when he has an audience then he's all upbeat.  He is a very good performer.  My ex friend doesn't even acknowledge my existence.  She walks past me as if we've never been introduced.  It's like the people that I support through all their darkness and hard times just can't handle me.  Perhaps it's easy to leave me or people just move on easily.  I understand that very few people are givers, but this is ridiculous.

Also at this meeting, they played videos about how people help out customers and go above and beyond.  One of the new people was talking about how all the employees acted like family and supported each other.  I just sat there and shook my head because I am a different person because of this place.  I remember the person that I used to be and I actually liked that person.  It wasn't perfect, but I was more alive than this.

I don't hate my job and I'm not ready to leave yet.  I hate what happened.  I forgave him a long time ago, but being this alone is too painful.  I know that every job has its own crap, but being the mess I am now is a direct result of it.  Thankfully there is wine, friends and shoes.

Self-Injury Awareness Day

Wear orange on Saturday, March 1st, for Self-Injury Awareness day.  Comment with your pictures!  It was one year ago that I quit.  Let's make that day awesome.

Also news to follow on Pile of Good Things.  I think we are actually making it happen.  Now if only he could see.

Pain

The hardest thing about winter is the physical pain that occurs with snow.  Shoveling snow with this crazy snow has caused lower back pain, blisters and exhaustion.  My back is the main problem at the moment.  I haven't been able to exercise, which is only adding to my lethargy.

Emotionally, I am better.  My depression and anxiety are at minimal levels.  I have been thinking of asking if I can get off the anti-depressant soon.  I'm going to book my appointment on Monday for that.  I'm working on trying to take better care of myself health wise.  It's so easy to get derailed by just being lazy.  I have to cut myself off of soda too since that is causing me to not lose weight.

I have also decided to test out a gluten free or reduced diet since I do have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis it is usually recommended.  I will miss bread though.  However oatmeal bread is amazing.  That might be one of the reasons why I was so much better in the UK, I would make my own oatmeal bread and I would walk everywhere.  It's difficult to walk where I live because there are no sidewalks and people drive like maniacs.  Yay living in the country.

I have so much that I want to do.  I want to be a functional person again.  I'm always going to be weird, different, etc, but I don't want to be sick anymore.  I don't want my illness to run my life.  I know that I have to be vigilant and challenge the thinking.  I also have to take care of myself physically. 

I'm trying to get back on track again after being derailed by my own self sabotage of laziness and thyroid issues.  It takes a while and I'm glad for the support that I have gotten from my friends and family.  Now all I need is for it to be 70 degrees out.  May is one of my favorite months.  I may go down to Baltimore to visit since I haven't been there in ages. 

Everyday that I can cope is a good day.  Bad days happen to everyone.  I just have to make sure that a bad day doesn't sidetrack me completely.  I know that my back pain will get fixed soon.  I just have to muddle through a few more days. 

Miss You

I have the same habits as before
I sit at my computer, chat with people and put on make up
I dress nice, wear heels and smile sometimes
I get out of bed, go to work, eat food
The only difference is that you're not there
Not there for me to talk to.

I talk out loud hoping you can hear
I see things that you would think are funny
And I tell the air.
I worry about you every time there is a car crash
You're not there now though
Is it a bad dream?

You changed me when you walked in
You changed me when you left
I'm not even me anymore, I'm someone else
I was so close to being human
Now I may never be, which might be better
I carry on without you.

I have forgiven your weaknesses
I have forgiven your shortcomings
I have never stopped caring for you
I have never stopped missing you
I move forward yet still look behind
Hoping that I'll see you there.

Even if I never see you again
For a short time you were the best
A friend that I could rely on
Someone who, I believe, still believes in me
I move forwards without you,
But with a gift inspired by you.

I will fight the world
To make it better for you, for me
For the people like us
I will always miss you.

I Believe in You

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.  I have never been a big fan of this day for 2 reasons.  The first is that it's a Saint's day and most saints died horrific deaths, which seemed to be a requirement to become a saint, especially in the middle ages.  The second is that I've never been popular so I never got valentines in school and I've only ever had 1 relationship around this day.  One day to celebrate love is ridiculous.  Love, if it's real, should be celebrated everyday because it is really rare.

It was just an average day yesterday.  I know that a few of my friends sent me some things, but I haven't received them quite yet.  The biggest surprise was the giant box of flowers that arrived on my doorstep. It was a box of 2 dozen multi color roses.  There was white, red, yellow, orange and pink tips.  Roses are my favorite flower as well as being the subject of many of my floral pictures.

The card just said, "I believe in you."  I didn't think it was for any romantic sentiment, so I believe it was from one of my friends.  It turned out to be from my best friend.  I know that they were probably expensive and I appreciate the thought.  I have the card on my station at work.  I'm going to photograph the flowers as soon as they perk up a bit. 

My best friend knows that I don't like Valentine's Day, so she decided to do something extraordinarily kind.  I give gifts to people because I like making people smile at something so unexpected, but I never expect anything in return. The card was perfect.  I don't need romance or sex or love.  I need someone to believe in me, when I forget to.  It's a great confidence boost.

Friends really do make life better.  When your world falls apart, your friends should be there to walk you through it.  I value all my friends.  I miss the ones that left, but I am ready to forgive.  I am here if they should wander back. I may not be the best friend in the world when I'm sick, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all that my friends do.

Every Lonely Monster

Every lonely monster needs a companion.  I don't have a companion anymore.  He's very distant and very cold, but I'm glad to know that it's with everyone, not just me.  I think he's sicker than even he knows and it hurts to see it.  There is nothing that I can do.  I do things from a distance, but that's it.

I still think that I have a problem connecting to people.  I know that my depression does that sometimes.  I miss being and feeling close to someone.  Depression makes me that lonely monster.  I am working really hard to get myself together so that I can be a better friend. My illness gets in the way of a lot of things and a lot of my relationships suffer because of it.

The thing is that most people come back.  I learned forgiveness, but have yet to learn patience.  I don't think any type of caring really goes away.  The people that leave are either sick themselves or they just can't handle my sickness.  It leaves a hole when friends disappear.  My friends are important to me and I know that I don't always show it as well as I could.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day.  I got some chocolates for some of my co-workers with cute little notes.  Other than that there is nothing for me to celebrate.  Love should be celebrated every day that you have it because there is nothing that says that it will last forever.  Love doesn't always end, but if it does, it's devastating.

I will be spending my evening after work packing up my room.  I have to start downsizing.  I'm starting to look for my own apartment, so I won't have the room for so much stuff.  I will probably be getting rid of clothes and books mostly.  It's difficult to let go of things especially when you are lonely.

Loneliness is my constant state.  Maybe I'm too different to truly connect to anyone else.  I hope that one day I will have a companion again.  I learn patience.  I'm not looking for a boyfriend, but someone to just spend time with who will put up with my conversations for hours.  I'm the lonely monster and I need a companion.

Resting

I haven't written in a while because I had surgery on my mouth to get wisdom teeth removed.  I decided to just take time off from everything: my job, Pile of Good Things, the blog and missing people.  It was quite a restful weekend.  I just read, watched Secret Diary of a Call Girl and took naps.

My jaw still hurts a bit, but that is from my jaws not lining up properly.  At least I'm hoping that that is the reason. It's another surgery for another time.  I have another minor surgery to schedule to have moles removed.  It's something that I need to get done because they have grown in size, but don't appear to be cancerous yet.  I am doing all this because I am trying to take care of myself better.

Today, I had lunch with one of my friends.  We haven't seen each other since December.  She gave me a box of chocolates for Valentines day and a huge basket full of bubble bath for a late christmas present.  Bubble baths are so relaxing.  I love taking baths as they are so relaxing and they are part of my wellness plan.

I am generally feeling better.  It's a difficult process and takes constant management.  My depression level has dropped to minimal.  I know that it's always there.  That is why I am working on starting a nonprofit.  I think that I can help a lot of people.  Even if it's just one, then I will have made a difference.

I'm still working on all my business courses.  I am almost done with E-commerce, which I really enjoyed.  I have one more chapter to read and the final to complete.  I'm taking these courses for two reasons.  The first is to design an internal training program and the second is to learn enough to start my own company.  I believe that education is never a bad thing.

Doomsday

One year ago today changed everything.  I think I'm finally ready to tell this story...the final story.  It has taken a long time and I've only hinted at it, but this is the story of how I died.

I knew that my depression was starting to come back.  It creeps in slowly, mostly when you're not paying attention.  I don't present in a typical female fashion where there is low mood and crying.  I get angry, which is typically a male presentation.  I also tend to cut because my brain is lacking the feel good neurotransmitters, so the endorphins take their place.  I decided to start going to therapy because I believed it was time and I would still have his support.  It seemed like it was going to be OK.  I still had him and we were working on our individual issues.  We supported each other.

Doomsday, February 6, 2013 arrived like another typical day at work.  I arrived and did all the opening procedures.  It was a bit busy as I was the only front line employee there.  I was handling it OK.  I knew that my depression was starting up again as my partner had disappeared because of his mental health issues and it was winter.  I had support in a particular friend and co worker, who I could rely on because he understood depression.  Around 10 am, danger marched in, it was the HR manager.  She spoke to my manager for a bit and then I was called into the office.

If Human Resources comes to speak to you, it's never a good thing.  I didn't think I was being fired, but my state is an at will employment state, which means either party can terminate employment at any time for any reason.  However, most give you a reason now as we are a litigation happy society.  The HR manager kind of looks like Professor Umbridge from the Harry Potter books and she kind of acts like her too.  All in all, she is not a pleasant woman to be around.  She explained to me that she was there to investigate my relationship with my friend.  The first thing she asked me literally stopped my heart.

Evil HR lady asked me if I was saying that I was in love with him.  I am not that stupid.  I would never say that at work because I don't even know what love is, sadly.  Are you even allowed to ask that question?  It is a violation of privacy.  She also said that I was apparently calling him my man.  I have to say I'm not from a soap.  I never use the term. "my man."  Just thinking about saying it turns my stomach.  I wish I could have just laughed at their stupidity, but I was already depressed so everything just exploded.  I basically shut down, which is my defense when depressed.

After getting to the point that I wasn't having an affair and that we were just work friends who occasionally collaborated on projects, it turned into a mild warning.  Why did we collaborate?  I have an MA, am a good editor and have 5 years teaching experience.  I am quite talented at times. At the end of the humiliating exchange, I was told that work e-mail is for work purposes and there is no texting at work.  This was something that HR should not have been involved in.  Maybe if the narrow mindedness and jealousy of the people that were involved bothered to ask clarifying questions when they supposedly heard all this stuff, it could have been avoided.

I felt so violated.  I was humiliated, discriminated against and just raw.  I literally went into the bathroom for about 10 minutes, sat on the floor and tried not to cut.  After I came back to my work desk, anyone could tell that I was not in a good place.  Then the assistant manager went in to talk to HR and my manager.  I felt so betrayed at that point that I just grabbed staples.  No one even noticed that I was bleeding.

When I talked to him later he said he had to distance himself and I was never allowed to say his name again.  My main support was ripped away from me.  It was so devastating.  At least he had a warning about it.  I had none and in the 3 seconds I had to out maneuver the prejudice, I think I did a good job at saving both our jobs.  I didn't eat for 2 days after that.  My best friend had to show up at my house and rescue me.  I was basically dead inside.

HR lady should have brought a gun and shot me right then because it would have been so much kinder than the ensuing months.  That was the day that I died.  It was a slow death too.

I became someone else.  I'm not saying that it was better because I lost so much.  This incident ended up hurting the one person who was already hurt: him.  He didn't deserve that and neither did I.  If people understood how chronic depression worked, maybe things would have been different.  Those of us that suffer from this affliction will cling onto anything that stops us from sinking into that pit.  I tried to hold onto him, but he backed away because he had to make a choice.  Mortgage and children take precedence over a friend.  I can't say that I don't understand that, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt just the same. I think he cared enough to let me know instead of just leaving.

A year has passed since that day.  I've spent most of the time since then getting better.  I have only cut once in the year since then and that was following my rules.  I am starting to talk to him again, but it's not the same.  I am not the same.  I'm not sure who I am anymore.  Part of me is dead, never to return.  I have decided to do something good, which was to create a non profit, so that misunderstandings like this are never repeated.  It may be too late for me, but through education and understanding people will mental illnesses will no longer have to conceal what they are.  I want the world to understand these illnesses better and not think that we are crazy.

I'm someone else now and that's OK.  I just have to figure out who that is.  February 6 will always be infamous to me as the person I was, the innocent, trusting, if sad girl is dead.  In her place is someone who is sullen, hard and untrusting.  I'm not necessarily bitter, but I think the depression has left its permanent mark.I still have anxiety episodes and depression spikes a year later.  I fight with my own body and it's difficult to find support.  I'm no longer me and I miss the old version of me.  February 6 will always be Doomsday, as it was the day that I died.

Spikes

As we draw nearer to Doomsday, my depression is spiking.  This might be due to anger to the fact that I had to get up and go to work in terrible weather.  We haven't had much traffic in at all.  I guess they figured that they have to pay us anyway, might as well make us work.  At least we got free lunch.

I still don't know who I am at the moment.  I need to figure out who that is again.  I was almost human when he was here.  Now I'm a Time Lord.  I don't think time happens to me in the right order.  I no longer belong to my legal name.  I am a survivor, which is something that I do not say with pride.  No one should have had to go through what I went through.  You will see that tomorrow. 

I have a couple of good friends and I don't know how they deal with me.  I watched one go into crisis mode with me, which is unfair.  Friends support each other through ups and downs, well at least they are supposed to.  I don't think that there is anyway to get him back this time.

I don't know why it hurts so much.  I would have expected a lot more to leave.  I have a few friends that are working on bringing me back.  I'm not the same at all.  I miss my Rose Tyler.  I have to change the world into a better place because we do not really live in a good world.

P S H and Addiction

I've spoken about addiction before.  It has a high comorbidity with mental illness because self-medicating is a way to stop the emotional pain that many addicts also suffer from.  I'm not sure what Philip Seymour Hoffman was suffering from aside from addiction.  No matter what the cause, any person who dies by their own hand, whether intentional or not, is still a tragedy.

Philip Seymour Hoffman was a very talented actor.  I know that he went to rehab for addiction when he was in his 20s.  He went to rehab last year for heroin.  Just because someone goes to rehab, doesn't mean that they are cured.  Recovery is another thing that has to be managed.  Whatever your drug of choice is, it's a daily struggle to stay clean.  One slip doesn't necessarily constitute a full blown relapse, but the drug is a bad coping mechanism. From my own experience with cutting, and I'm sure drugs are the same way, when it's a bad day or you're bored, you're always going to want it.

I have to agree with Russell Brand that it's so devastating to get that other call, the call the says the addict is dead.  One has to reach bottom before they ask for help and kick their habit.  Life has a way of changing and the allure of your own personal demon creeps back in, most times without the person even realizing it.  I think everyone is so shocked because Hoffman was not a tabloid train wreck like others, so it wasn't expected.

At the end of it, we have lost a very talented actor and a human being to addiction.  I feel for his family because addiction and mental illness affect the entire the family, not just the individual.  It's another person that addiction has claimed.  Remember Philip Seymour Hoffman as the actor he was, not as an addict or as another statistic.  Not everyone ends up the way that we like and we never know when our time is up.  We all end in death, but dancing with your own demon may hasten that end.  That doesn't mean his ability won't be missed or that his dying isn't any less sad because he died from an overdose.  It's reality and it will be another memorial and empty chair.  It breaks my heart.

Good Things Final Days

It is February, so I have completed my Good Things Campaign.  It was my most successful campaign, so it will be refitted and transferred over to Pile of Good Things.

I spent a day taking care of myself.  I sent a few gifts to a friend and went to a service to hear my dad sing.  On the final day, I sent him his Doctor, Tom Baker.  I didn't put in a note, just the doctor.

I'm now working on packing up my things and looking for an apartment.  There will be more things to donate, so spreading good will be happening for a long time to come.  It does feel good to help others and pare down my belongings.

This campaign has also taught me the need to take care of myself before I can take care of others.  I have to remind myself to take time off for me.  I will continue to work on my wellness plan, my nonprofit and rebuilding all the things that I lost. 

The best gift I have given was the Doctor because the Doctor found me.