Photo Shoot

Today I did a photo shoot with my best friend, Brianna, as the photographer.  I had a lot of fun wearing different outfits and posing.  It has built my self-confidence up, which was the point of the campaign.  There will be many more pictures.  If you want to participate, please e-mail pictures to zandraava@gmail.com.

We only have a limited amount of time and we should be the best that we can be.  I know that it isn't easy at all, especially fighting the darkness the envelops us all.  I did this for me and I hope that you enjoy them and find inspiration in them because I am not my scars.  You are not your scars or your depression or your bipolar disorder or your anxiety or your victimhood.  You are rare.  You are yourself and you are beautiful.

Dalek Day

I know that I'm a loser and am a whovian, but today is Dalek Day on the internet.  True, Daleks maybe genocidal maniacs, but they are still vulnerable.  They have fans and I am one of them.  Exterminate!

Since this blog is about overcoming madness, I would like the above Dalek because it would end my unhappiness.

Body Image Issues

Depression and anxiety are fueled by low self esteem.  Then it becomes a vicious cycle as poor self esteem is then caused by depression and we cannot escape it.  Maybe it's all in our heads or our blood streams or in our perceived deficits with others.  This week I have been having esteem issues related to my body.

I know that my month long campaign is supposed to build self esteem and confidence, but I got punched with a bout of acne, which makes me feel ugly.  I then start nit picking my body.  I have an hour glass figure, which I like, but it makes clothes difficult to find.  I mean the only part of my body that I actually like are my boobs.  The rest of my body not so much.

I did this campaign to regain some confidence in my personal appearance.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm stunning because of my large eyes, but other times, I only see a misplaced hair or a scar. I don't then see the rest of the things that make me attractive.

One of my illnesses, Hashimotos Thyroiditis has a hand in everything that I suffer from.  I'm more prone to depression and weight gain, which makes self esteem difficult.  It also makes my hair fall out and causes me to have more body hair than I want to admit.  It makes my nails brittle and my skin messy. 

I want to feel good about myself again.  I want others to feel good about themselves.  I know from living abroad that Americans are more ashamed of their bodies than any other nation.  We're told to hide out curves, but I like mine.  I want to learn to appreciate my body.

This Is Me

This is me.  I am ordinary in this way.  I am not a drop dead gorgeous beauty who stops people in their tracks.  Physically, I'm average.  I'm overweight, have pimples and plain brown hair.  My eyebrows are never right and my jaw is crooked.

I have always compared myself to others as I'm sure we all do at some point.  I work with some very attractive people to the point where I am not seen.  I'm just the smart girl that can do your homework, but I'm not the girl you want to hold hands with. 

This is me.  Just an average girl who holds more than the eye can see. 

Pictures are of me without makeup on a typical Sunday.

Coping

Not everyday is a great day because the sadness lingers in a way that cannot be described.  The madness is always there hiding in the shadows.  It's seductive, but the trick is to try to fight it with coping strategies.  These are good healthy outlets that can be used to combat the pain, the sadness, the insanity that creeps in the darkness.

My favorite one is using sensations like vision, which means that making something beautiful whether it be a flower or taking a walk in a nice place.  I use the other 4 senses too.  I listen to music, smell some of my luxurious perfumes, eat cheese and take a bubble bath.  Using sensations is a distraction and it helps to clear the mind.

It also clears disappointments.  I am slightly disappointed with my photo campaign because it doesn't get viewed as much as my other posts and some friends that said they would participate so far have not.  I will still continue it, but the excitement has gone out of it.

Disappointment and loneliness are the two hardest things to cope with, so I will use my vision and watch shark week because sharks are magnificent.

Mermaid

So, continuing the campaign.  I did a mini photo shoot in the Denny's Parking lot with my best friend, Brianna on the camera.  I am wearing one of the skirts that inspired the campaign, which I call my mermaid skirt.  I am also wearing gloves, which I used to use to hide the scars on my arms.  Now, I use the gloves as a fashion accessory and as a reminder of strength.

I have never liked my arms, which is why I used to hide them, but the gloves can enhance their beauty. 

The sheerness accentuates the legs and can show off curves in a way that is comfortable

Reaching towards the future.

You too can participate in the campaign.  Leave a comment or send an e-mail and picture to Zandraava@gmail.com

We are not our scars!

I Am Not My Scars

Welcome to the self-esteem building campaign called: I Am Not My Scars.

The purpose of this campaign is to build self esteem as many cutters are embarrassed by their scars and try to cover them up long after they are healed.  The scars are a remnant from battle that we shouldn't be ashamed of.  What we went through was real and it was painful, but we survived.  We are beautiful.

This was the first time I wore a short skirt in years.  This was taken over a year ago, so there will be more to come.  If you want to participate please send pics to zandraava@gmail.com