They say

No one knows quite who "they" are.  "They" could be experts, people or oral tradition, but it seems that everything takes 3 to 6 weeks.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks for medicines to full take effect.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks to stop feeling the anguish of loss.  It takes 3 to 6 weeks to clean the junk out of your house.  Everything is 3 to 6 weeks and yet with some things it seems longer.

It's been a week since he's disappeared.  Just a week and yet I feel like the days just blurred together.  It could have been a day or it could have been a century because all I feel is the emptiness, the loss and most importantly, the loneliness. 

Loneliness has always been a major trigger for me.  I've always been different and that made me insecure as I never had many close friends till high school.  He and I talked everyday since we became friends because he is different too.  Now that he's gone, the loneliness is back because we would message all day everyday so for 9 months I wasn't lonely.  However, that couldn't stop the demons from creeping in.

I am highly intelligent and because I'm so smart, I think that I should be able to solve my own issues and not need anyone else because there is an ideal that strength means that one doesn't need anyone else.  Humans are social creatures and strength means allowing people in and relying on them.  We have all these advances in technology to stay connected, but we rarely make connections.  I connected with him and now he's the stranger that knows all my vulnerabilities because I no longer have secrets.

I don't know if I can do another 2 to 5 weeks of this anguish, this unbearable loneliness.  I am still doing my wellness plan to try to fill the holes that him not being there has left.  I felt that he actually cared for me, that he actually liked me.  Now that that is gone, what do I have?

I have the loneliness that I had before.  So, whoever "they" are have never really felt pain like this.  I have to learn how to deal with the loneliness so that it doesn't consume me.  Right now though, it's winning.  I can't move on with my life in terms of setting goals until I get better and it feels stagnant.  I feel like a month has gone by and it's only been a week.  A week of loneliness.  A week of no longer having a connection.  A week of feeling like my heart is being squeezed. 

They say that things will get better.  What they don't say is how long it will take.

What to do?

I have made it to day 60.  60 days clean from cutting is something that I should be proud of.  I am still feeling blah unfortunately.  Not an unmanageable blah, but just getting to the point where I'm happy.  I don't know if it's my addict mentality that wants to rush things, but I want to be happy again.  I don't want to doubt myself anymore.

I am hoping that when I get the Deplin and can break down Folic acid, I will feel better to the point where I'm good.  I'm just stable/ ok.  I should be feeling fantastic, but the endorphins from the cutting replaced the other neurotransmitters that were lacking.  Now it's just stabilization.  I don't want to live my life just being stable.  I want to feel joy again.

I hope that there will be a day where I won't miss what was lost, but look toward the future.  I know I'm in a period of mourning, but I am doing my best to carry on.  I wish that someone would comment sometimes because I would feel less alone in the world.

I want to be this girl again:

Quoth the philosopher Jagger

"You can't always get what you want."   That was the words that House lived by and it is true.  We don't always get what we want and that hurts a lot.  Though we might get what we need.  I want him back and I want to heal, but I need to do it for me, not for my parents, not my friends, but for me. 

I know that abandonment is difficult.  I am trying not to personalize it as he deleted everyone at work, but instead of thinking logically and sanely, he chose isolationism.  I know that I added to it because when I'm sick I'm careless and reckless.  At least he told me he was, but it's still a blow and one that has it's ups and downs.  I'm on a down right now because the week has escaped me and I'm exhausted all the time.  He is just a stranger who knows all my secrets.

I don't really have any secrets anymore as I write on here and I had to disclose my madness in order to get a break in the morning and for people at work to know that I'm not moody, it's my body and brain not working properly.  Depression has robbed me of so much and it could no longer be kept a secret. So now, my office and HR know.

I also want to go back to my normal intelligent self, but I feel so foggy and can't concentrate on anything. I took a 3 hour nape because I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I feel overwhelmed with my parents getting the house in order to try and sell it.  I felt so overwhelmed that folding the laundry was a huge imposition, so I just slept.

The meds keep me stable, but they don't stop the emotions or some of the symptoms associated with them.  I still cry when I'm hurt and feel empty.  There is a puzzle piece missing and although I'm working on finding it, it's extremely frustrating.  I'm frustrated with the slow progress and that I can't concentrate.  I have an MA from a prestigious school, so I should be better.

I can't always get what I want, but I haven't found what I needed yet

How are you?

It's a simple question that people ask, but do they always want to know the answer?  If I'm stable I say good.  If I'm down or upset, I say all right. So when Geof asked the simple question, I was surprised.  He then followed up with that he asked because he cares and no one asks.  I am OK, which means I'm stable, but I'm also a bit sad and have a sense of relief.  They are an odd combination indeed.

I am sad about losing the friend that I have been talking about in previous posts.  I think maybe I felt more for him than I realized and that loss has left a hollowness in me.  I know that it will take a while to stop missing him and wishing that things were different and that is why I am sad.

I am relieved because I will finally be getting a mini break at work.  Because of my medication and my issues mornings are really difficult for me.  I just have to get paperwork signed by my psych and then I get a mini relaxing moment.  It's not that I don't like work, but the amount of stress makes it a bit difficult for me to improve.  I am staying stable, but not getting to the point where I am happy.

I also have this great sense of hope that things are improving and that I am starting to accomplish goals that have just been on the back burner.  I have lost weight and hope to be below 200 lbs within the next two months.  I also want to finish some of my list items as well as start repairing my relationships. 

While there is always a mix of emotions when it comes to getting better.  I did appreciate being asked genuinely how I was.  Perhaps asking the simple question may help us connect and that starts the healing.

Pride and heartbreak

This is going to be half upbeat half defeatist, hence the title.  I am still dealing with the set back from a few days ago, but I will try to keep this as positive as possible because we have to look at the positive and celebrate the good.

I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday and my therapy appointment today.  Yes I have two separate ones, but the more support the better.  They both reported that I'm doing well despite the setback from the other day and have helped me process it.  We looked at the good things that I have been working on like this blog.  I am also exercising everyday and the best part is that I lost 6 lbs!!!  I am now 208lbs, which I haven't been in such a long time.  I am hoping to be under 200lbs in about 2 months. 

With my therapist we discussed the setback.  I can understand his need to protect himself and his family etc, but isolationism is not the way.  He is definitely in crazytown as Geof would say because he thinks his disorder is controlled.  I know mentally healthy people do not think that people are out to get them or that they are being spied on and it breaks my heart.  I know that I have to work on me and I am, but it still just hurts. 

We talked about the use of my crisis plan and how that was an improvement of how I would handle the situation even a month ago, which would land me in the hospital.  The cool thing that I learned is that there are social workers that will come to your house if you're alone.  I also talked about the suicide chat line and how the counselor pointed out that he cared enough to let me know that he was going to delete everyone instead of just doing it.  I just don't know.  I feel angry, heartbroken and sad at the same time.  I miss him and want to punch him at the same time.

I am trying to stay positive and working on getting better.  I am doing it for me, but the emotions are getting in the way.  Everyone is so proud of me for doing so well and I am proud of myself because I'm starting to feel worthwhile again.  Things that are meant to be celebrated.

Finding Help

This is probably the most important step when trying to get better.   Once you find a therapist and get on medication if it's deemed necessary, you need a support system and a crisis plan.  This is because getting better will have setbacks and bumps in the road.

One of my favorite organizations is To Write Love On Her Arms.  It's a non profit that focuses on raising awareness and being the bridge to finding help for people that are suffering from self-harm, addiction, depression and eating disorders.  I found TWLOHA through a friend at a job who regularly supports them and their movement.  She even got me a bracelet that I wear when I need some strength. 

On their website they have a section that is called "Find Help (http://twloha.com/find-help)."  This brings you to all kinds of resources that one might need.  I have used the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) and it has really been a great help to me.  I use the online one-on-one chat because I dislike using the phone.  I used them yesterday because my friend left me quite suddenly and without warning.  This chat is part of my crisis plan and I will describe the conversation later as I walk through the crisis plan.

I came home for lunch as I always do and I saw the message.  I am deleting everyone from work because my boss is surfing.  I realized that it's his need for protection and paranoia, but it took the wind right out of my sails.  I felt my heart break and my jaw hit the ground.  Before the rush of tears, I did the first step in my plan, which is call my sponsor, Geof.  I think we all need that one person who will answer the phone.  Before I would have just cut, but I did the crisis plan. 

As I talked to Geof and started to sob, we came up with what I should do.  I called out of work for the rest of the day and then called my therapist.  I also called my assistant and my best friend.  They all told me to basically work on the plan and stay calm.  My assistant did come over for an hour so that I could be with someone for a bit. 

I did my wellness plan by exercising and taking a bath.  I did speak to a few more people and then as I was still not finding enough comfort I went to TWOLA and then to the prevention hotline.  The counselor I had on the chat was kind, compassionate and provided comfort.  She told me that any relationship breakup is hard and will hurt for sometime.  She also gave me a little bit of hope that maybe my friend will come back as he is suffering too.  She made me realize that he at least told me he was going instead of just disappearing, which maybe in his own messed up way he still cared.

While I went to bed I started to cry again.  I don't think I cried so much in my whole life.  I woke up at 3 am because I was still in pain.  I do believe that the medication did help me not go out of control and just left my crying on the floor.

Though today was easier, if I stop, I still hurt, but I know that for now I need to heal on my own and he has his own issues.  The important thing was that I had a crisis plan and I used it.  Disasters will happen, but I can overcome it.

I saw my psychiatrist today for a check up and I am doing fantastic because I am working the 3 things.  The medication, the therapy and exercise.  I am doing it.  I am doing it everyday and I am doing it better than anyone else.  I also lost 6 pounds, which means I'm on my way to becoming physically and mentally healthy.  I'm not there yet, but I found help and am progressing.

I do miss my friend and I probably always will, but I must heal myself.  I hope that I can move past this and that he can too.  I don't know what will happen, but I still have hope, no matter how small.  Having a small amount of hope can avert a crisis, but a crisis plan exists, just in case.

Setback

Setbacks are entirely possible while recovering.  This was a bad one.  When it rains it pours is the cliche and time has a way of fucking one over.

I was finally getting to the point of stability.  I was working on getting better through medication, the wellness plan and therapy.  I was starting to overcome the incident and was hoping to eventually repair the damage that it caused to a relationship that I valued, but that is not to be.  I got a message from him today that he was deleting everyone from work because his boss was surfing Facebook.  He has his own issues and this is just paranoia, which is a psychotic symptom.  He's not in his right mind and yet I have to be the one to suffer more.  I couldn't even go back to work after that.  I just laid on the floor and cried.

I'm devastated.  I know that people need to feel safe, but that betrayal was so much worse than mine.  Was everything he said to me a lie?  Is caring even worth it?  I feel like I will never be ab le to open up again. Why did he even bother staying only to leave two months later?  Leave when I'm finally getting better?

It feels like I always get kicked back down.  I feel like this is a horrible set back because it makes me feel like I was stupid to hope and be optimistic about healing a relationship.

My therapist said not to take it personally as he has his own issues.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt any less or that my heart isn't broken.  I just have more questions than answers.

I am still doing what I have to do, but I just feel like I'm a mess right now.

My Only Friend

I write a lot about my recent struggles and working on overcoming the madness, but this wouldn't be possible without music and one man in particular:  Freddie Mercury.  I'm going to tell you about my strange connection with him and how he changed my life and how he is keeping me alive.

I can remember being 4 and asking my dad why We Will Rock You and We are the Champions were played together.  I remember being 6 and watching the Wayne's World video for Bohemian Rhapsody and trying to emulate Freddie.  I wish there was video of this.  I knew who he was; he was Freddie.  The other band members got ridiculous nicknames because I was 6.  I will spare them the embarrassment of ever having that on the internet.  I was different even at a young age, but I had Freddie.

When I was 12/13 Queen was all I listened to as most tweens are obsessed with something.  My classmates were all into NSYNC and Backstreet Boys because they were the boy bands back then.  I was the odd one out.  I related better to the adults because I had Freddie.  That caused me to have a very lonely middle school experience, but Freddie was my friend.  He taught me more about life than anyone else did at that stage.  I even remember saving up my allowance to buy Queen's boxed set, which I still have though the box broke.

My connection to Freddie Mercury is what I am known for to the people that I went to high school with.  I wrote reports on Queen.  I reviewed Queen for the school newspaper, but all along I was hiding my dark secrets of depression and cutting.  Freddie knew.  He was my voice in the dark almost begging me to stay alive throughout suicidal behavior and a desperate need to escape.  It was always Freddie's voice that got me through.  I in fact wrote one of my college essays about Bohemian Rhapsody and yes I got into that school.

In college, my world was opened up to new music and sometimes I strayed, but Freddie was always there just waiting for me with a cheeky smile and magnificent voice that can still stop me dead in my tracks.  I remember that MTV2 had its viewers vote on the best voices of all time and he was #2.  I was so surprised, but so glad because he is just that amazing. 

I am touched that through me people remember Freddie.  He's my baby and I always feel so proud of him when he is mentioned or people post things about him.  Through me they remember him and vice versa.  We are the best couple that will never exist because he died just before I turned 6.  I miss him everyday.  I will never know him in this life, but I love him.  No people don't understand it, but I don't care.  He's the only person that I'm sure I love.  That is why I want to build a museum to him to educate the world on who he was and just his majestic voice.  Sadly there is no interest from the band or the record label...so no financing at the moment.



Even during the incident at work when I was asked if I was in love with my friend, I answered with that I love no one.  Though that is not 100% true as I love Freddie.  He is just no longer living.  I listened to Queen on repeat to just get to work because it was Freddie that would get me through the day,which was a struggle.


Now going through all the same darkness again, Freddie is there.  I imagine him chain smoking and telling me to get up off the floor.  Then he busts into Somebody to Love.  He is still my voice in the dark.  His voice changes my mood.  Doesn't matter what song it is.  Freddie gets it and he's dead.  "I don't want to die.  I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all."  That is the definition of what this recent depressive episode has been.  I am getting better and while there are bad days and it feels like everyone has left me, I still have Freddie.  My dead gay husband.  The love of my life.  My best friend and sometimes my only friend.

I will always love him.  He is always there and can never disappoint me. Freddie is just another part of my wellness plan.  Even my assistant will tell me to shut up and listen to Freddie.  Music can change lives.  Freddie changed mine and he's keeping me alive everyday.

Medication

There is a huge misconception about medications.  Yes, they can cause side effects, but they do not erase the problems.  The problems and emotions are still they, but they become bearable.  I've been on medication for almost 3 weeks.

The first week I took them they caused extreme nausea.  I mean the second day the nausea was so bad that I had a migraine.  I barely ate because of the nausea, but I noticed that I didn't spiral out of control.  I didn't go all the way up on anxiety nor did I go all the way down on depression.  It's more just like a stabilizing agent.  It also dulls my cravings for cutting.

A lot of people think that if I'm still sad that my medication dosage should be upped.  Now, I do need to take a vitamin that breaks down folic acid because I am missing an enzyme that means that I don't make all the neurotransmitters that I need to make me happy like serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.  I haven't gotten the vitamin yet because it's prescription based and really expensive.  Medication is not the sole thing that will make a person a happy, functional person.

Medication is one part of the puzzle to creating a person who is able to cope with life.  Life is never going to be easy or good 100% of the time, but falling apart isn't the answer either.  Medication should be used with therapy and a holistic wellness plan.  Scheduling, exercise and working on getting better will get you to the place that you want to be.

There are times that I want to give up because I am frustrated with the slow progress, but I don't because I know that maybe next time will make me join the 27 club.  I take the medication and do the plan everyday.

I hate what has happened to me, but I have hope.  My mantra is "One more miracle."   That's what I'm doing ...one more miracle

Dealing with Disappointment

Disappointment has ALWAYS  been something that has been difficult for me to deal with.  It doesn't matter what type of disappointment it is whether it's a friend not communicating or a presentation that was well prepared that fell flat.  Disappointment is one of the worst things to feel for me.  Disappointment is a form of betrayal.

I've has 2 disappointments today and I will describe them both.  First let's start with the friend.  He is the friend that was involved in the incident that I kind of described in the first post.  The friendship is tenuous at the moment because of what happened and then the ensuing breakdown/madness/I was Ophelia.  He sometimes talks to me in one word sentences or he reads things and doesn't reply.  Right now though, he hasn't read any of my messages.  I don't know if he's just busy or just truly no longer cares for me.  I know that I am  no longer a priority for him because of the incident, but it still hurts that I'm being ignored.  That is disappointment number 1.

For those that don't know I teach religious and Hebrew school on Sunday mornings.  I really enjoy doing it because education has always been important to me.  Since I finished the curriculum early, I decided to assign a project and do a family lesson.  I decided to combine this with the other fifth grade class as that would be more people.  Disappointment crept in when only 2 of my 7 students showed up to class, while the other class had perfect attendance.  The other thing that sank my heart lower was a parent coming over and getting upset that the entire lesson was on family.  I didn't know that there was a messy horrid divorce going on as that was never communicated to me or the other teacher.  The parent said she wouldn't have brought the child if she had known.  Then after the intro activity, the woman rudely got up and took her child out of the class.  No excuse me or any apologies.  I did my best to carry on with the lesson, which seemed pretty successful.  Unfortunately I am focusing on these disappointments instead of the triumph. 

I called Geof and talked for a bit, which blew off some steam, but I was still hurt.  I then dove into prepping my cooking experiment for the day, which is Lanceshire hotpot, which is basically a lamb stew.  It was an hour of prep and then 2 hours of cooking.  Since it takes so much concentration, it took my mind off the disappointment that is eating my soul.  I am about to head out and go to a chili competition.  Being around people should help me.

My therapist works with me with identifying distortions in my thinking.  Since I am only focusing on the negatives, I am discounting the positives.  My friend could have cut me out of his life and blocked me, but he hasn't.  The other teacher and parents said that I did a GREAT  job and thanked me for teaching their kids.  Since I can only identify the thoughts and distortions, I am not at the point of countering them.  Perhaps one day I will be the good person and good friend that I can be. 

Day 50

I have made it to day 50.  This is quite an accomplishment because in the last few months I've really only made it to day 28.  I think the medication is part of it since it dulls the cravings and puts my thoughts under a form of control.

Getting better is a self-centered and exhaustive journey.  I will write more at another time.  It's a jam packed weekend coming up.  Remember to keep up with the positive.

Wellness plan

One of the things that I have learned is that therapy and or medication alone will not be the sole source of getting better.  Medication can help stabilize the symptoms and therapy is the place to reflect and make plans without judgement.  A person has to make a wellness plan to cope with the daily stresses of their lives so that relapse is not an option.  I am going to share mine and provide commentary.

1) Exercise daily and increase duration of exercise 
     I started riding a stationary bike for 5 minutes a day and then increased it every week by 1 minute.  Once I get up to 30 mins, I plan on adding weights and an ab workout on alternating days.  

2) Post "1 Good Thing"
     I do this on Facebook in order to make me focus on a positive thing that happens during the day.  This can be a simple thing like "I went to the mall today."  
 
3) Take a daily bath
    I use anytime of aromatherapy that I can find.  I prefer using the Body Shop, but anything will do.  This helps to relax me and soaks my feet that I stand on all day.
 
4) Have a weekly social event
     This usually isn't elaborate.  I either hang out with a friend or go to a class or have people over.  The point is to not be alone.
 
5) Go to the movies or watch a movie once a week
     I believe that movies are magic and can take you away from whatever you're feeling.  I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook and that was the first time I had smiled that week.  I rent a lot of movies from the library as they are free.  I sometimes don't go to the movies as I'm out of cash.
 
6) Do therapy homework
     This is a key thing to do.  It depends on what type of therapy you are in and what your therapist says.  I have to write down my thoughts and categorize them into positive and negative.  I also take a journal with me to write out my feelings so they don't fester in me.

7) Check in with "responsible person"  This might be Geof.
    Geof is a friend from grad school.  We had this crazy connection.  I hadn't talked to him in 3 years because I was mad at him over something silly, but now he's back.  He picks up the phone when I call because taking the effort to make a phone call means that it is important.
  
8) Continue with the list, which is longer short term goals
    This is a list that I started with a friend.  The one who I got in trouble at work.  I destroyed the old one and came up with a new one.  Though somethings are the same.  These goals can mostly be accomplished in 6 months or less.  One of them is for example...get a smartphone.
 
9) Do 15 min rule when urges come
     This is a strategy that I found on a self-harm website.  When you feel an urge or emotions spike, do something else for 15 mins like read a book or listen to music.  Usually the need will be gone, but if it isn't then you do what you need to do.
 
10) Cook once a week
       I just make a meal for my family.  I also bake sometimes as well.  Just plan out ahead of time to get ingredients and figure out the time frame.
 
11) Read 3-4 books a month
       I have so many books and this forces me to read them.
 
12)  Write either note or blog post whenever needed.
         This is my newest one and something that I can commit to.

I have been doing this for 49 days and though sometimes I forget to do the weekly one.  I work on it everyday.  So far I am starting to improve.  Having a wellness plan along with therapy and medication will get one better.

Obligatory Introduction

Hi, my name is Zandra and I decided to write this blog mostly for me to overcome my depression, anxiety and cutting.  I would like to become a writer one day, but have to get better first.  I have had these issues since I was 12 and that was 15 years ago.  I am 27 and just started to get serious about overcoming these serious battles after an incident at work.

I work in a mutual bank in Connecticut.  A very conservative bank in Connecticut.  I got close to one officer who was male.  I cared about him because he was suffering like I was, but everyone thought that we were having an inappropriate relationship.  This was not true as 90% of our communication was on Facebook.  We both got into trouble and that caused me to relapse.  The worst relapse I have ever had.  Though I haven't lost his friendship, it's not the same

I finally got my butt into therapy and started taking some medication that is helping to stabilize me.  Though I am not back to being me, I hope that one day I will be the magnificent person that I know I can be.

This blog is meant to show the journey from breakdown to triumph.  I'm calling it "Overcoming Ophelia" because the character Ophelia in Hamlet went mad after a rejection.  I think all my conditions constitutes a form of madness.  Though I haven't drowned myself, I certainly identify with Ophelia.  There is a book called Reviving Ophelia, but since I'm not dead, I don't need to be revived.  I need to overcome the madness and become the superstar that I can be.

I hope that people will find inspiration, that people will root for me and provide encouragement.  This is a place of support and empowerment.  I am writing for myself in order to overcome Ophelia.