10 Months

Today marks 10 months since I last cut, however, I had a bad craving today and almost relapsed.  This time of year is always hard for me.  It's post birthday and Christmas blues.  I tried to have a holiday party and no one can make it.  It makes me feel not important at all.  Maybe I am too different from everyone else because I believe that spending time with friends is important. 

I'm at that age where everyone has a significant other and possibly a child.  I am not nor have I ever been a baby person.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another living person.  I would fail at being a mother.  I'm trying to recover, but it's difficult without a social component.  I spend most of my time at work and then there are scheduling conflicts with everyone else.

My mother signed me up for J date and I met up with one guy.  He was OK. He is someone that I can be friends with, but probably nothing more.  I don't love myself, so how can I love anyone else?   I believe in love, but I have such a hatred for my physical appearance at the moment, that it's difficult to focus on anything else.  I sometimes just want to tear my skin off and start over.  Part of that is my thyroid part of it is not being comfortable with myself.

I know that getting back to exercising is helping a great deal, I still have a long way to go.  10 months is a great accomplishment.  I hope I can keep going and do my one day campaign in March.  While I am better at coping, sometimes I just have bad days.

I hope that things will improve with a new year.  I hope that I get a promotion and that I can get my friend truly back.  I'm hoping that my body doesn't derail again and I get back to a healthier weight.  Maybe I can transform again into something new, something good.

Right now, I'm here and I have to keep going.

Year End Review

I write because I have no one else to talk to.  I have been thinking about all the crazy things that had happened this year.  From everyone that I have spoken to, 2013 was a terrible year.  However, I had achieved something that I believe was completely impossible.   Maybe that feeling was impossible, but I'm still here and I have work to do.

After the incident, I had fell apart.  I let the depression that was already brewing take hold.  It was a good 4 months to think clear enough again to be able to fight what happened.  I don't remember the entire month of March, which is probably a good thing.  I finally gathered up the courage by June to say enough and filed a formal complaint because of what happened.  It would out in the end for me because the instigator was forced to leave, HR is now afraid of me because they know I will use my voice and somethings are healing.

I got up off the floor and started moving forward.  I came up with a wellness plan, which I try my best to keep to.  It doesn't always happen, but it's a guide in trying to get to a good place.  Due to my thyroid acting up in November, a lot of it got put on hold.  I'm working back up to exercising everyday, which will help me read at least 3 books a month.  I always tend to to slack off when it comes to cooking once a week. 

The one thing that happened was that I got him back.  He left in June and I got him back in September.  I would never underestimate a well written letter and the fact that caring never changed.  Maybe it hurt too much or maybe I needed to be independent for once, but he still believed in me.  I am starting a nonprofit in order to help other people with mental illnesses deal with their jobs and employers to help their employees.  Communication and education are the keys to this new enterprise.  I couldn't have done most of it without him.

I went through hell this year, but I am starting to heal.  I hope 2014 will be a fantastic year full of progress.  February will have a new long term goals list.  The best part is that out of the 17 items, I completed at least 10.  Maybe I'll get at least 2 more done.  The rest of them will carry over.  I am looking forward to what I can accomplish in 2014.  There are a lot of things that can be done and I have the time.

You Don't Need to Say It

Today something amazing happened.  Something that I never ever expected.  It was something that I never really realized that I even understood.   However it was something that I needed to see, to hear and to understand.

I have been working on Pile of Good Things recently because I really want to get it started.  It's a needed service, which will have many customers it seems.  I decided to write a synopsis of what I would be doing for the nonprofit, which you can see here:

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.   The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” (Vincent and the Doctor, Doctor Who).  This is where we got our name and the basis of our philosophy:  Everyone should add to a pile of good things.

                What Pile of Good Things will do is educate employers on the signs and preventions of mental illness through classes that will be offered through us.  We will do this through PowerPoint, brochures and seminars aimed at Human Resources, Managers and Supervisors.  The idea behind this is to reduce productivity loss from the side effects of depression, anxiety, learning difficulties and bipolar disorder.  While we do not advocate for employers to become counselors, we wish them to be cognizant in order to create a positive working environment for all including those that suffer from mental health conditions.

                We will also assist employees who suffer from mental health conditions with what to disclose to their employers, what considerations they need and where to turn to if they feel they have been discriminated against.  This will be achieved through e-mail communication, a confidential phone line and information on our website. 

Campaigns for awareness and support will also be planned throughout the year.  The highlights include bullying prevention in the workplace and Good Things Month, which is an employee appreciation campaign.

This is a basis of what Pile of Good Things will be about.  There is a huge stigma in the United States in regards to mental health conditions, which affects the work place for most Americans.  We believe that through education and communication the stigma of mental illness will end.  That is the purpose of Pile of Good Things, for employers to add to their employees’ pile of good things.  Life is a pile of good things and bad things, while everyone should try to add to the pile of good things. 

Decision Time

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I have time to do some thinking.  I have been working on my next campaign, which starts in a week.  I have found 3 of things for the Good Things campaign.  I am trying to keep them inexpensive.

I have a little gift for my best friend, which will be the first thing to do.  Then I am going to put in a recommendation at work for employee recognition.  Then I have a card for someone to say that they will always be awesome to me.  Now I just have to find some more things to do to add to people's piles of good things.

Anyone have any ideas?  Some may be random, but some should be purposeful.  If you participate let me know some things that you are doing.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just have to write because the hollowness is too difficult to take.  I've had some good moments and some bad moments and yet I'm hollow.  I don't think I'm good enough to get a promotion because I'm not totally good with people.  I don't know how to connect.  I connected with very few in general, but it takes a long time for me to get to close to new people, if it happens at all.

I am not the easy going innocent person I was.  When I was younger people feared me with good reason.  I have a soft middle, but could project a toughness and a strength that no one could touch.  I connected to a very wonderful person who was like me...different.  I'm not an average human being.

I have a high amount of ESP and am extremely intelligent.  I've doubted both with devastating consequences.  I still wish that I lived in a world that left me unscathed, but now I'm someone else.  A shadow of what I was.  I'm more of a ghost. 

I am trying to live a normal life, but if I'm not an average human, how can I live a normal life?  I try to cope the best that I can.  I still believe in the power of hope, but healing takes time.  I don't think that I am meant to get married and have a family.  I have something bigger to do.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another person.  I mean I've put off my dental surgery for months because I didn't want to deal with it.  Now my mouth hurts at least once a week.

I just need support of friends.  I need someone to say that it's ok to be sad and that it's ok to miss a friend that I was connected to.  I don't want to hear that one day my feelings will change or that time will heal the pain.  I just want someone to tell me that it's ok to feel the loss and that if I want that friend back, that I can achieve it.  He still believes that I can do anything, if I put the effort into it.  Pile of Good Things is being worked on.  ___ Makes Life Better was achieved.  I also wrote down ideas for a museum proposal.

I am incredibly strong.  I'm still here, but I miss who I was.  I have to figure out who I am now.

Not Complete

I had a date today with someone from Jdate.  I only joined Jdate because my mother was going to pay for 6 months.  After what I went through this year, I don't really want a boyfriend.  I need time to fix myself and possibly learn to love myself.  Without that, I am not complete and would not be able to care for anyone else.

The date itself was ok.  We went to an aquarium, which I love.  The local one is not my favorite because it only focuses on the area in which we live, but it has sharks.  It also has a shark touch tank.  I spent a few minutes petting the nurse sharks.  They are very docile creatures, who lay in a pile on the ocean floor.  They rarely moved in the few hours I was there.  That was my favorite part of my visit.

We had some lunch and a bit of conversation.  We have basic common interests, but when you start to break those down, it just doesn't seem the same.  I am someone who is on the fringe.  I like one thing in a certain genre a lot, but don't branch out from there.  Like with Doctor Who, you either are in love with it or just don't get it.  I'm like that with many things.

He seems nice and wasn't bad looking, but I feel that he would make a good friend.  I don't know if I can commit to anyone else because I'm not complete.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to get comfortable with myself, so it's difficult to talk about myself, when I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

I hope that one day I will want a partner, but for now, I'm looking for a friend.  Maybe another companion, but mostly all I need are friends.

Fabulous Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th birthday.  I made it.  I didn't join the 27 club!  That's an accomplishment because this year was really dicey to say the least.  Things really are starting to look up, which is such a relief.

I woke up yesterday to my mom singing Happy Birthday.  My mom can't sing, but it was sweet.  She also gave me a card with a margarita recipe, which was gorgeous.  Then I got all my stuff ready for work where we were going to have our Christmas luncheon.  I am overgenerous and bought gifts for everyone, not just my secret Santa. 

When I got to work, my supervisor gave me a beautiful, warm winter scarf.  I was very happy about it because I love scarves.  It was very sweet of her to get that for me.  Work was a bit busy, but that's OK as it makes the day go by.We got a ton of food from one of our favorite restaurants in the area, so we stuffed ourselves full of Italian food.  I got a surprise birthday cake too.  As for the gifts, I got a bottle of Jack Daniels from my supervisor and a journal with bubble bath from my secret Santa. 

There were a few surprised along the way.  The first was that he e-mailed me to wish me a happy birthday, which means he still cares.  That made me happy because I wanted a sign that he didn't hate me, so I had a birthday wish come true.  I also had the head of HR send me a birthday e-mail, which I found strange as she never e-mails anyone and she never e-mails tellers.  So, I said thank you because I didn't know what else to do.  My supervisor also got a promotion to assistant manager.  It was a brilliant day at work.

I then had my birthday party at my favorite bar because it was trivia night.  I had a lovely steak which was free because I'm on their e-mail club.  The food was fantastic.  We then played trivia where we came in second because one of the rounds was about identifying Simpson's characters.  So we won $25 off our tab.  It was awesome.  I got some great gifts too including a Dalek.  So I got my second birthday wish.

It was a great day overall, which made me happy.  I didn't think that I could feel that much happiness again.  Things are moving forward.  Onwards and upwards.

Not Everything Ends

There is a quote that keeps coming across my thoughts on almost a daily basis: "Not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always."  I believe that this statement can be true.  It's true that somethings have to end whether it be a show, a relationship or a company, but there are things that don't end.  Sometimes people fall out of love, but the love doesn't die it just changes forms.

True love doesn't end.  We can move onto something else, but that love remains.  I don't think he ever stopped caring for me, from what I can tell.  I know that I never stopped thinking or caring about him.  I have been taking car of myself and yet I  miss talking to him about the mundane.  That love just turns into a memory, but it's still there.

I'm not the same person I was before, but my feelings have not changed.  Things always change, but not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always.

A Philosophy

Today is the anniversary of the tragedy at Newtown.  I live about 20 minutes away from Newtown, while I was personally not shocked by the events of that day, I was deeply saddened.  I ended up spending most of that day comforting others especially a friend with two young children, who just couldn't stop crying.  I was not shocked because I had a feeling that something terrible would happen, but was not quite sure what it was.

In the wake of the tragedy a lot of positive things happened, one of them was the 26 acts of kindness.  I know a lot of people who have done good things for people in memory/honor of the 26 victims.  While I applaud this effort, I do not participate in it. 

I believe that we should heal the world and perform kind acts every day because it's part of the goodness of humanity to help others.  I'm going to my good things next month because I don't do New Year's resolutions  I wanted to start doing kind things in order to add to another's pile of good things.  It's partially a tie in to my non profit and something that I'm doing for me.

We should be adding to people's lives not solely in honor of someone who is no longer here, but to improve the lives of the people who are still here.  There is so much bad in the world that those that can do good, should do goo.=d.

Good Things

While I was swimming today, (I'm staying at a hotel and it's an indoor pool.  I'm not that crazy), I figured out a new campaign as well as something that could tie into my forthcoming non profit, Pile of Good Things.  It's going to be a challenge, but something that everyone can participate in and I hope you do.

Let me first explain what Pile of Good Things (PoGT) is.  I came up with this idea as a way to combat stigma, discrimination and ignorance of those who suffer from mental illnesses in the business world because I got all of that from my job.  I believe that if they had understood depression, they would have been wiser and not lost me for 3 months while I recovered from the incident, which they caused.  That incident will be explained at another time.  I believe that education will be the greatest tool to combat stigma, ignorance and discrimination.  It will be available for employers to educate their HR, managers and supervisors on the signs of mental illness and what they can do for their employees.  While another section will be available to employees on what their rights are, how they are protected and some advice on what to do if those rights and protections are violated.

The name came from Doctor Who.  The quote below is from the episode Vincent and the Doctor, which is about Vincent van Gogh, who while brilliant, suffered from severe depression.

I also believe that companies should be adding to their employees' pile of good things.  There is enough bad in the world without your job adding to it.  If there is a bully in your office, they have mental health issues in the form of self-esteem.  That is not an excuse for them and bullying should not be tolerated.  Jobs should be giving people a sense of purpose, self-esteem and all other manner of good things aside from a paycheck.  Sadly, for many people this is not the case.  It's even worse for those that suffer some form on mental illness.  My goal with PoGT is end all of that, so that companies have higher productivity through  understanding while employees with mental illnesses have an equal shot to that pile of good things that a job can offer.

Now for the challenge.  I want to have a campaign in January where we add to someone's pile of good things.  It can be simple like sending a piece of candy to a friend or saying hello to someone who looks down.  It doesn't have to be an extraordinary or extravagant gesture, but it has to add to the good things in someone's life.  I will start in January by just saying the thing I did that day.  I hope you all do the same.

Just A Little More

Today was a strange day.  I don't think I have had a "normal" day in 5 years, but this day was even worse.  I think my job's rumor mill is worse than the one that was in my High School.  That's what destroyed me, misinterpretation and blowing things out of proportion.  Maybe some wounds don't really heal.  We morph into something else.

My friend was back at work today and while her sister is not dead, she is still very upset and stressed out.  That is understandable because whatever her sister took caused damage, which will require a great deal of aftercare.  My friend was very distracted, heartbroken and teary eyed.  It was difficult to watch.  I've seen suicide from both sides now and it's not pretty at all.  I gave my friend a hug because all I can do is bring comfort.  Maybe that small gesture will help in some small way since I cannot undue what has occurred.

I saw an ex close friend of mine at the holiday party, which triggered a wave of depression.  I still don't know what went wrong, but she didn't even look at me.  I always value my friends, which is why it hurt so much.  Instead of being responsible adults, we just stopped talking.  We all have communication problems and maybe it's just easier to walk away than tackle an issue.  Maturity is about communicating problems and resolving them, perhaps neither of us is mature or our respective illnesses were just too much to handle.  I really don't have an answer there.  I just don't understand how people can be so close one day and then strangers the next.

Then there was him.  While we've been talking and it's been getting a bit easier, it's difficult to adjust to it not being the way it was.  It was good to see him smile, but there is still distance.  At least I got a goodbye hug, which is so much better than being completely ignored.  However, it's not like it was and perhaps I will always miss being that open with someone.  He was the first unguarded friend I've truly had and his loss was irreparable. 

At least it looked like Narnia outside and I had some good food.  The day was just strange. 

Witnessing Devastation

I saw something this week, which I never want to see again, yet I know that it happens all over the world everyday.  I saw how a suicide effects the living.  While the person is not dead, just in a medically induced coma, I saw the confusion, panic and despair on my friend's face.  I know that it happens, but for me, I spring into action and try to remain emotionless because I know the answer to that terrible question, "Why?"

In that moment, that person was thinking that the world, her family and her friends would be so much better off without her.  This is not true, but in the moment, no one can convince them otherwise.  It's a distorted belief, which is a symptom of depression.  The people that go on without you are never the same, especially children.  There is no way to make this conviction of being gone will make things better make sense to anyone who has not been there.  The thing is that life will and can get better.

When my friend found out, we were at work and I tried my best to keep things calm and do what we had to do.  It does not do well for me to get teary eyed even though I empathized greatly.  It may make me seem inhuman, but during a crisis it doesn't do well for everyone to fall apart.  My job is to carry on because I've been there and now I've seen the devastation that suicide can leave in its wake.

If this person survives, and my hope is that they do, they will need considerable aftercare.  Not just psychological, but physical as well.  I hope that there is no permanent brain damage or damage to vital organs because surviving something like that may not have been the best option after all.  I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it as factually as I can.  Facts are not always tactful.

A friend said that I needed to witness that so that I could see what it was like from the other side of where I was.  To see how a symptom of a serious illness can affect others.  I never want to see that again.  Suicide is completely preventable.  You are not replaceable nor can any amount of money replace you.  There are places you can go to if you are in crisis.  1-800-Suicide is a free hotline to talk to someone if you are in a crisis.

You don't want to put people you love in that situation.  While it seems selfish, to the one who tries to die, it is an incorrectly perceived altruistic act.  There is always hope and always help.  We just all have to find it.

Affection

It's difficult for me to ask for any type of physical affection.  I'm not very close to my parents also my mother's idea of affection is patting people like dogs. Sometimes all I want is just to be held in someone's arms.  Someone who I trust and care for.  Not necessarily a lover because I don't think I'll have one for a very long time if ever, but just a friend.

One of the things that I used to love is having my hair played with.  I know that we have hairdressers that do that, but I loved it.  I know some people that think that hair touching is very intimate.  I don't think I'll have a lover and I want my hair braided, twisted and tussled. 

I am not sure what happened along the way where we all so a great lack of affection towards one another.  I know because of the years of cutting, that  I couldn't stand to be touched.  Now, that I've stopped, I just want to feel someone's touch.  I want something soothing that helps a bit more.

For now, I have stuffed animals.  It's not the same , but it's something that I have so I'm not sleeping alone.  I miss the simple act of holding a hand because one hand can open the world.

I Have So Triumphed

This week has been a bit insane so far.  The person who caused the incident has left my job, while I felt bad for her, I felt relieved at the same time.  I feel like I don't have to tip toe at my job anymore.  This was all coming off a great weekend where people wanted to help with Pile of Good Things. 

I mean I was shocked that it happened, but in a way, it was kind of expected because there were huge mistakes that were being made.  Today, my feet are killing me because of all the extra hours that I have been working.  I'm not sure if my supervisor now will be promoted and I'll apply for a supervisory position or if that will not happen.

Right now, I'm happy that things are looking up and that I'm doing something more than surviving.  I suppose that I am striving.  I finally got him back in a limited capacity, which is more than I could have expected.  I have no stopped smiling all this weekend and I hope that it can continue.

My body is not agreeing with me as it's almost 7 pm and I just want to go to sleep for the next week.  I have talked it over with my therapist and it's probably my thyroid. I saw my endocrinologist, which he agreed with me on the exhaustion.  I'm getting a blood test next week to see if my medication needs to be adjusted, which it probably needs to be.

I haven't been able to exercise as much because of the exhaustion so my weight has ballooned again.  All I really want is for my mind and body to have a truce.  It hasn't had one for quite sometime.  I may just need to find a low impact exercise or just limit my exercise to 30 minutes followed by strength exercises.  I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Basically, things are starting to look up finally.  I got my one more miracle.  Onwards and upwards.