10 Months

Today marks 10 months since I last cut, however, I had a bad craving today and almost relapsed.  This time of year is always hard for me.  It's post birthday and Christmas blues.  I tried to have a holiday party and no one can make it.  It makes me feel not important at all.  Maybe I am too different from everyone else because I believe that spending time with friends is important. 

I'm at that age where everyone has a significant other and possibly a child.  I am not nor have I ever been a baby person.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another living person.  I would fail at being a mother.  I'm trying to recover, but it's difficult without a social component.  I spend most of my time at work and then there are scheduling conflicts with everyone else.

My mother signed me up for J date and I met up with one guy.  He was OK. He is someone that I can be friends with, but probably nothing more.  I don't love myself, so how can I love anyone else?   I believe in love, but I have such a hatred for my physical appearance at the moment, that it's difficult to focus on anything else.  I sometimes just want to tear my skin off and start over.  Part of that is my thyroid part of it is not being comfortable with myself.

I know that getting back to exercising is helping a great deal, I still have a long way to go.  10 months is a great accomplishment.  I hope I can keep going and do my one day campaign in March.  While I am better at coping, sometimes I just have bad days.

I hope that things will improve with a new year.  I hope that I get a promotion and that I can get my friend truly back.  I'm hoping that my body doesn't derail again and I get back to a healthier weight.  Maybe I can transform again into something new, something good.

Right now, I'm here and I have to keep going.