Pain and Loss

"Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love." My loss has changed me into what I am today.  I lost one of the best friends I ever had because he made me feel less alone.  In a world where empathy, kindness and caring are waning, making someone feel less alone is the kindest and noblest thing a person can do.  I lost that and it's partially my fault.

No matter how much people tell me that Doomsday was not my fault, in a way it was because I hid a lot of who I was.  There is so much stigma that I try to hide my depression as long as possible.  It always comes out, but that way people think that I am actually a functional person for a while. I think that I should have been more guarded, but I wanted to belong somewhere for once.

I started watching a new show called Black Box.  It's about a bipolar neurosurgeon.  It stars Vanessa Redgrave as the therapist.  In a speech about medicine the neurosurgeon mentions Hemingway, Van Gogh and Sylvia Plath and questions whether they should have been medicated into mediocrity.  The therapist mentions that medicine is there to help people live long enough to produce their best work. 

Living with a mental illness is hell.  It got worse when I lost him.  Out of that loss, I realized that I needed to do something to stop Doomsday from happening again.  I know that is happens to other people all the time.  How can I explain to someone that the hardest part of my day is convincing myself to get out of bed and do something with the day?  That's why I run late sometimes. 

I take my meds and go to therapy.  I try to exercise but something is missing.  I can't quite get better for an extended period of time.  I don't know what to do.

I'm still working on campaigns and Pile of Good Things because it all needs to stop.  Education can end ignorance and I abhor ignorance.  I lost him due to ignorance.  I'm hoping that Pile of Good Things will be my best work.

I'm never going to be free from depression.  It will subside, but it will always be there.  How do I go on when I cannot stop the loneliness?  If I keep striving, will I get him back?

Time Management

One of the hardest things to do with depression is manage time.  There were times when I would stare at the floor for ten minutes straight just because I couldn't decide what to do.  I finally had to come up with a schedule in order to force myself out of indecision.

I still do a list of things to accomplish throughout the day.  I still need to stick to schedule in order to manage my time better.  Having a regular bed time would help too since I haven't been sleeping well.  I do however manage to get a lot done in a short amount of time by doing two things at once.  I mean it's not major but it's along the lines of doing the dishes while I'm microwaving lunch. 

I've been working very hard to recover.  I still waste a lot of time on the computer, but I've always been like that.  I think part of me is still waiting for him to come back.  I don't know what to do about that.  I do the best that I can, but sometimes I just sit there. 

I am putting time in to be more active.  I need to lose the excess weight.  I know that I can find the time to do 30 minutes of low impact exercise like walking.  It may take time, but I'm trying my best.

Good Day

I took two days off from work just because I could.  I feel like I've been going nonstop, so I definitely needed the days.  One I used to be social and the other I used to rest and decide things over. 

Friday was a fantastic day.  I got up a little late, which is something that I desperately needed.  I haven't been sleeping well because I'm stressed about the move, which is going well, but it's not the easiest thing in the world.  I then had to go get an oil change, which was uneventful, but I had a chance to read.

I then had coffee with my friend, Gina.  It is always good to see her because she is very kind and understanding.  She has taught me that communication really is important to help relationships move forward.  She also gave me a really pretty lotion, which I loved.  I ran out to the mall to do some retail therapy.

I usually only go to Bath and Body Works and Hot Topic.  I go to the former to get bubble bath and the latter to get my Doctor Who fix.  I also went to Victoria's Secret because I needed new bras.  I got fitted and since I gained weight, my bra size went up, but I can still wear nice things.  I got a blue and white lace and a black and white demi bra.  At Hot Topic I got a Dalek and Tardis salt and pepper shakers, which are completely awesome.  I can't wait to use them at my new place.  I also so an old friend from work, Meg.  She is still as cheerful as ever and seems to be doing a lot better away from the wreck that was my job.  My job has improved by the way. 

After the mall, I had lunch with a coworker, Jana, who works at the branch nearby. It is always good to see her because she is so supportive.  We had Desert Moon, which I always enjoy.  I also decided that I am going to cut down on meat.  It has started to bother my stomach, but I'm not totally going without it yet.  I then went to DSW and bought a pair of black shoes for the Gala on Saturday.  It was a great day overall.

Saturday, I slept in a bit and ran errands. I cooked a vegetarian dinner of asparagus, humus and tabuli.  My stomach had no complaints.  I also have come to the understanding that I will always be a little bit sad, a little bit lonely and I will always miss Rose.  I will keep moving forward and fighting the best that I can.  I may fall back into old habits, but I will try to get back on track eventually.

Confidence Swings

My confidence has been having swings.  I am very confident with my mental capacity, but not with my body. It's mostly because I gained weight and am not taking care of myself as well physically.  I am doing a lot better at work, which is boosting my confidence.  Well at least in my mental capacity.

One of my main problems with my weight aside from the hashimoto's is my love of sugar.  Also, trying to get back into an exercise routine is proving a bit more difficult with the impending move.  I am working slowly on replacing foods with healthier options. 

I also miss him.  I don't really remember his voice, which makes me sad because he has one of those reassuring voices.  When he's like he used to be, I'm good.  Yet, I'm still a bit sad at the same time. I remember what people say, but not always their voices until I hear it again.  He is my Rose Tyler because he made me better.  Not every relationship is perfect, but it's the ones that change you that you remember.  Even a little stupid thing that he says can make me smile.

I'm going to continue to strive because I know recovery is possible and will be about life long management.  Part of me will always be a little bit sad and part of me will always miss my Rose.  Missing him effects my confidence, but at the same time, he's the only one that I ever try to impress.

Sometimes

When I look at Facebook and see everyone's posts about engagements/marriages/children, I sometimes think that there is something wrong with me.  It would be nice to have a husband or partner, but I don't think that is going to happen and children are also highly unlikely.  It's not because of my mental illness either.

Plenty of people with mental illnesses have spouses and children, but I don't think I need them to be complete.  It is probably a wonderful thing to feel loved, but it's not something I am actively seeking because I don't think I could love anyone more than Freddie.  If I find someone awesome, if not, it won't ruin my life.

As for children, I find the sonogram pictures that get posted creepy.  I don't need to see your tiny human, who looks more like a sea monkey before it's born.  I know that you are excited and nervous to become a parent, but the whole world does not need to see a sonogram because they ALL look the same.

I don't think I'd be a good parent.  Being empathic and not having patience, is a bad combination in raising a child.  Kids purposely do things to test you.  Since my depression's main system is irritation, I don't think it would be good for a child.  Also because of my thyroid condition, having a child of my own is not going to be the easiest thing.  Not impossible, but not easy.

I also feel like the normal thing to do is get married, buy a house, have a child, work and maybe have enough for retirement.  I've never been normal.  I want to help make this world a better place because right now it's kind of awful.  I would not want to bring someone new into this hellhole no matter how much I loved them or wanted them.  All of this is because I don't want anyone to suffer that way that I do, yet I know millions of people around the world do.

I just don't feel compelled to want the things that others want.  Not that I am not happy for my friends, but marriage and children do not seem to be in the cards for me.

The Weather

I always find it interesting how much the weather plays on mood.  I don't mind the rain.  It can be refreshing, but most people say gray days are depressing.  I also think that most people don't know what depressing really means.  Depression isn't just sadness it's desperate, unending, soul crushing nothingness.  Unless you have been to that place, there is really no understanding.

The weather can play a factor, which is why people get Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) in the winter/colder months.  However, in order to qualify for a SAD diagnosis, you have to start feeling low towards the end of October.  Since, I have recurrent depression because of Hashimoto's the cold effects me pretty badly.  In the winter it is harder for me to get out of bed.  Yes, I am still considering getting a light box at work.

On a day like today when it is a little gray and cold, my symptoms are a little more noticeable.  Irritation and aggression, for me are the major symptoms.  I prefer warmth, but I don't need a whole lot of sunlight because there are times when the sun tries to break through the clouds that makes it gorgeous. 

I've never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of person.  I live in a world of gray, but I belief in the light.  I just don't live there.

So, next time you're bummed out by the weather, don't say it's depressing because depression is far beyond sadness.  The weather may make you lethargic or cold or irritable, but that is not a comparison to full blown depression.

The general population misuse words.  Words have a special power just like the weather.  They should be respected .

Kindness

After all that I've been through, I'm still amazed at the kindness that so many people possess. 
There is a difference between being nice and being kind.  Being kind comes from a place of compassion, which while all humans have that capacity, very few tap into it.  I also think kindness comes from caring.

Again connection is the only thing that makes life worth living.  From connection with another person comes caring, compassion and kindness.  Those four things can make someone content.  The fact that we as humans, in western society especially, spend a lot of time in isolation, only communicating via text is damaging a lot.  Mental illness is rampant, depression is the worst one and part of it is due to the lack of social interaction.

Even a simple smile is a substantial act of kindness.  Even if it is a complete stranger, a smile goes a long way.  Though, I do not smile often, I believe that I can be kind.  I like making people smile with little gifts.  I'm a giver in that way and that's how I display my kindness.

I think we can do better.  I know that I can.  I'm still striving to be the good person that I was before Doomsday.  He taught me kindness and I miss him, but I will continue to be kind to all without him.

I Continue to Exist

Existing and surviving are not that same things as living.  I am working on trying to live, which is a difficult task.  I feel like I'm just existing and I feel like I do it alone.  I used to have him and he continues to exist.  We just don't exist together anymore.  I'm back to being plagued by loneliness and he is far away feeling whatever he feels.

I still feel like a mess.  While my mental state has mostly stabilized because my anxiety is in remission and my depression is minimal to mild, my body is not in agreement.  I lapsed into bad habits because I feel the emptiness so I eat.  I got really into drinking regular soda, which is full of calories and sugar, which means it's very bad for me, but it made me feel better in the short term.  I am the heaviest that I've ever been and it is sapping my energy.

Now, I have to get back on track.  Exercise is going to be the hardest part because with all the junk food and lack of working out my body is worn out and tires easily.  I am missing the motivation to be the best that I can be.  I know that I can be awesome and inspiring, but I'm lacking that external factor to be awesome for. 

My mind is still fantastic.  I come up with ideas and still write almost everyday.  I'm taking classes to make sure my brain will till work properly.  The classes help fill the holes where the boredom sinks in.  It just seems like my mind and body are not in sync.  The loneliness is almost literally killing me.

I think I need some comfort somewhere even if it's not everyday.  I had someone there to talk to.  I had several in fact, now I have maybe one or two.  I know that it's difficult to deal with me because I am hard on myself for letting me get this way.  I'm existing, but I'm not healthy.  Once I get healthy, I might be able to live.

Weight Problems

Like a lot of people around the world, I have a problem with my weight.  I am significantly overweight at 235 pounds.  Just seeing that number makes me want to vomit.  I know that depression and my thyroid have a lot to do with my weight gain, but that doesn't make me any less upset.

The thing with me is that once I try to get into an exercise routine, my thyroid has issues and I lose all energy which means that I don't work out and gain weight like crazy.  I also like food.  I know that a lot of it is about portion control, but I think I have a thing for junk food.  It's cheap and delicious.  This combination has caused me to blow up like a balloon.

I've had a nutritionist before, and I know that I eat a lot of sugar.  My other problem is soda.  I gained a lot of weight because I've been drinking regular soda.  I'm trying to cut that down on by switching to lemonade and juice since I drink them slower.  I'm really working on trying to replace sugar with fruit, but I haven't brought myself to do it.  Mostly cause I don't like a lot of fruit.

I also know that my weight is fueling part of my depression, my facial hair and my insulin resistance.  I'm not going to lose weight to be able to fit into a size 2 because that won't happen.  I am going to try to get healthy, which is something that I haven't been in quite a long time.  I also hope to get off some of the medications, which will aid in my cutting of expenses.  Health and wellness will be the goal for this year.

My body and I have not lived in harmony for quite some time because of the thyroid disorder and the mental issues, but I want to be better.  I know that crash dieting or special dieting will not work.  I just have to be sensible like I was in England where I ate better and walked everywhere.  Maybe I should be living in a city.  It's a lot easier when there are sidewalks.  Maybe I'll have one day a month where I can eat what I want and that's it.

I know that getting healthy takes time and this is where I will learn patience.  He told me once that patience wasn't a virtue, but a learned skill.  Are certain people more disposed to being patient?  Yes and I'm not one of them.  I will be one of those people that has to learn it and work at it just like losing weight and getting healthy.

Destruction is easy.  Healing is hard.

Pile of Good Things

I am still working on Pile of Good Things.  I have 21 days left of fundraising on indiegogo.  I didn't get really that much money, but every little bit helps.  Once I have a more concrete idea of what I want to do and have viable programs.  I first need to get a board of directors.

Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing and would appreciate any help offered.  I was going to send him a formal invitation to be part of the board, but since he's being cold, I have not sent it.  Maybe when I'm more established and away from here then I might be able to ask.

I wrote the history of the organization along with an anti-bullying policy.  I need to edit both of them still.  I'm doing the part that I enjoy the most, writing and research.  I am looking forward to doing an actual presentation soon.  I'm working more on it when I don't have a CFT class to do.  I should be getting my next set of them soon.

I also need some volunteers to take a survey.  You qualify for the survey if you have a mental illness and have had a job in the last 3 years.  Basically, I'm looking for stories and to find out if the services I am planning to provide are needed.  You can e-mail me at zandraavalonis@gmail.com if you would like to take the survey.

I am going to do 3 campaigns for Pile of Good Things:  I am Not my Scars, Good Things Month and the new one that I'm developing that I talked about last post.  The good part about the last campaign is that I will actually get to use the bondage tape that has been sitting in a box.  It's tape the only sticks to itself, not skin.

Currently, I'm fighting my own fatigue because my house just sold and I have to start the process of moving.  I am going to start getting rid of things as well because no one needs as many perfumes as I have.  It will be a hectic for a while, but I will keep everyone updated.

Don't forget to donate.

New Campaign

I have come up with a new campaign, which I want to start in either May or June and it will be a picture campaign.  I also want to use it for Pile of Good Things as a permanent campaign.  I haven't titled it yet, but it appears it might be like a coming out/ pop secret kind of thing.

Part one is where the word of you suffer from written across your mouth.  For example, mine would say depression.  Part two is a secret that you are afraid to tell, but would be written on poster.  The face would not been included in the second shot in order to protect privacy.

Any thoughts?  Anyone want to participate?