The Thing Is

The problem with the depression is that it can hurt everyone around you.  It's very difficult not to be negative when everything seems hopeless.  It really is an uphill battle to be a good friend to people.  The worst is that I try so hard to find support amongst friends, but it feels like there is none.

I do need someone to stop me from spiralling out of control with either cutting, shopping, or eating.  I feel like I am out of control a bit on all of them.  I eat a lot of junk food, my cravings are starting to spike again and I just want to spend money all the time.  I mean the things that I want to buy are not things that won't be used, but I am trying to stick to a budget.

I miss being able to talk to people.  Having depression makes me feel like a leper sometimes because people stay away when you need them the most.  Basically making me have fun is a better way to handle the depression than trying to counter my hopelessness. 

I wish I could be a functional person who can make friends and can feel close to them.  I know that not all friends are close friends, but once upon a time, I was fun to be around.  I hope that one day I can get back to that person again.  I just need to figure out how to get over the loneliness.

I just want a companion, not a boyfriend.  I have to learn to take care of myself and make my own mistakes.  I just want someone to think that I'm awesome and can do anything again.  This is when I miss him.  He was my companion and I miss my companion.  I think I stayed at the bank just so I could occasionally talk to him.  I also got an equivalent to an associate's degree in business that they paid for.

I wish I could tell this guy at work that even though he looks like my Rose, I know that he is different from Rose, but I still just want a friend.  He seems really cool.  I'm not cool because of my illness, which makes me difficult.  I just want to have a positive force that I chose.

My True Talent

Everyone has one thing that they are extremely talented at.  I can sing, I write, I am not afraid to be myself and I'm intelligent.  However, my true talent is survival.  I survived so much crap, especially from the past year.

There were times last year that I wanted to give up, but there was that tiny thing that told me not to.  I mean despite the fact that my depression was debilitating, I still showed up to work and did the best I could.  I know that I couldn't smile for almost 2 weeks.  That is not an exaggeration.

Now surviving a chronic illness does not mean that I am magically cured or that I don't have bad days because I do.  Sometimes the bad days are spectacular and I end up cutting because I couldn't ride out the wave.  I then get to sleep and start over again the next day.

I still struggle with my weight and my diet.  I am currently craving broiled salmon, but I cannot afford it.  I do have some beef and pork chops stored in my freezer, but it is so much easier to eat crap than it is to cook healthy.  However, I feel better when I eat well.  Maybe I might have to eat salads again.  Part of being a survivor is being healthy.

I know that it takes a great amount of effort to survive.  I have somehow turned it into an art form.  When the bank denied my unemployment, it would have been easier to fall apart and hide in the depression, but I made the decision to fight the injustice.  I won the unemployment appeal by producing facts and documentation whereas the bank only had hearsay in their possession.

I don't know how this talent will get me anywhere aside from the fact that I know that I can make it through intense bullying and trauma.  I'm stronger that I thought I was and it was something that an old friend of mine knew the entire time.

Figured It Out

So I figured out what was going on with me at work.  It's a two fold problem.  The first part is when we are short staffed, things tend to spiral into suckage.  The second is that one of the pharmacists deals with stress badly, so it causes some tensions that I haven't figured out how to navigate yet.  It only took a few weeks.

I also asked to scale my hours back a few hours a week in order to have some more time to adjust to my new life.  I hate using my disability accommodation unless I have to since it was such a nightmare at the bank to convince them that I had a disability.  I did talk to the pharmacy manager and she likes me, so hopefully I'll have my hours scaled back a bit.  Not permanently I hope, but just for a few weeks.

I hope that I will be successful at this job because when it works with people it's wonderful.  I like helping people.  Even referring people to what they need is a fantastic feeling.  I learn things everyday and I hope that I continue to learn things that could help the public especially on the issues of mental health. 

I just have to figure out how to navigate some of my moods at work and then I should be able to not be as nervous.  Even though I had a terrible week last week that was full of slip ups, I am beginning to be hopeful again that I might be able to have a career, friends and a life.

Confusion

I'm working hard on getting to a place of stability when my life is anything but stable.  Mostly my life is about rearranging and adjusting.  It's not really that fun.  There is just stuff everywhere that needs to be sorted through. 

Now, I'm not a neat freak.  I describe myself as chaotic neat.  That means that I have a pile that gets sorted through every one in a while.  I have a pile of clean clothes that I don't put away because I'm lazy.  This is probably adding to the confusion that is my life.  The worst part of all of this is that I'm lonely.

I've always been lonely because I'm different.  I'm psychic, jewish, suffer from depression brought on by a medical condition, primarily asexual and gender fluid.  I am completely adaptable, but don't feel like I belong anywhere.  I know that people like me, but I can't feel the connection.  There have been a few exceptions and I lost a few of them.

I'm trying to rebuild myself and reconnect to other people, new people.  I know that my brain hasn't recovered completely, which means I don't function the same way.  I don't grasp concepts quickly anymore.  It's probably quicker than most, but not to what I was used to.  I'm just in a blah state and don't feel like I matter. Things might not have always been rosy with him, but at least he was there.  I think for a short time, he needed me too.

Yesterday I went out to the mall and got a facial and my hair done by an Israeli.  He was very nice and we actually hugged at the end of it.  I get more affection from a stranger than I do from people I've known forever.  I'm not always a hugger, but I also don't know how to ask for it when I need it. 

My biochemical make up is off balance, which means I as a person am not balanced.  I don't know what to do anymore aside from clean.  I don't want my greatest talent to be surviving anymore.  I make it day to day by being alone and setting up a life that may never happen.

My job is intense and I'm going to see if we can scale back my hours a bit since I'm not as recovered as I thought I was.  I want to get to a place where I am good.  I want to get to a place where I don't use a crutch to make it through the bad times. 

There is this guy at work who I want to be friends with, but I'm nervous about it because of what happened at the bank.  The more I learn about what really happened the harder it is for me to be open with people.  I keep wondering if maybe the bank was right and that I am a danger who should be feared and cast out.  I got rejection after rejection there.  I just want to be accepted for once. 

All relationships take work at times.  I'm the one who seems to be alone the most.  I have the Doctor and Freddie, but they aren't here.  I don't think anything can take away this loneliness, confusion and doubt.  I am just confused about what to do and how to rebuild a life.

Riding the wave

The other day was hellish at work.  We were short staffed, behind and there were a million customers.  At one point I just wanted to quit.  I rode that wave out and it got better.  I adapted, however, it's a lot more stress than I would have liked at the moment considering I am by myself now.

I miss being close to people.  I spent a lot of time at work.  I'm afraid to get to know people because they might see how much pain I'm in.  I think it's awful that we can't express depression in an open and honest way.  There is still so much stigma.  The unfortunate thing about my depression is that it is a symptom of my thyroid condition.  That means that it's organic and chronic.  It means that I will have episodic periods of depression for my entire life.

I think when people have depression it leaves a mark that never quite leaves.  It can be overcome, but it might also come back.  Depression is like cancer in that way.   What happened with me was that I have always had a low grade atypical depression because of the thyroid disorder.  It got kicked into severe depression with anxiety because of all the shit that happened at the bank.  The anxiety is in remission and the depression goes up and down.  I just want to feel something good again.

It's a long road to recovery and it seems like I spend most of it alone.

Experiments

My parents are moving to Israel on Tuesday.  It's going to be interesting for them and me because it will truly be the first time that I am on my own.  I have an apartment, insurance, a job and food.  I am experimenting with cooking because I wanted another creative outlet that is also functional. 

Luckily, my parents have left me certain foods so that I can eat and not starve.  They also got me pork chops and steak which I froze so that I will be able to make amazing meals.  There will be lots of stew.  I also want to be able to create color in my meals since everything my mother cooks somehow comes out in shades of brown.  I love making food that will taste good because food can bring joy to people.

I tried to make waffle falafel with my mother, but it didn't turn out quite right.  Since she dislikes cilantro, it didn't turn out quite right.  They looked right, but tasted different.  It might be due to the fact that they weren't fried and my waffle iron is actually a panini maker with waffle slides. I don't have that innate knowledge of food and have a great palate.  I think cooking for myself will give me an opportunity to eat healthy.

The other thing that I will be experimenting with is downsizing.  I do have a lot of stuff.  True most of it comes from books., but I have way too much stuff.  I am going to get rid of things that my parents left because I don't really need it.  I do need to declutter my life.  It may also help to ease my depression. 

Work is a little bit better.  I have this inclination to connect to people, but because of what happened at the bank, I am afraid.  I am hiding a lot of who I am because I know that I will be judged as weak or crazy.  I know that I am a bit different.  It's not in a bad way, but I always feel a bit misunderstood.  I think my loneliness shows through at times. 

Despite my differences I want to belong somewhere.  I guess I just haven't found that yet.

Scatterbrained

I have been rushing to get things done since my parents are moving in 6 days.  I had to finish an Economics course that the bank "allowed" me to finish.  I think he told executive management that I wouldn't be paying them back.  I don't know for sure, but since he is the contact, I can only come to the conclusion that it was him.  I finished with a B in the course, but really don't have a deeper understanding of Macro Economics. 

The downside from everything that is going on is that my brain is scattered.  It makes me feel dumb.  I forget appointments and sending out paperwork.  This is the first time in my life that I need a to-do list.  It's like my brain is still broken. 

I had some tough days in the pharmacy.  It was mostly dealing with customers and now I'm waiting to hear if I got my license.  I mean it is CT, so basically they just want their money.  I can't work on the bench until I get my license.  For now I am stuck on pick up.  I know that being a tech is a bit more prestigious and is a field that isn't going away.  I was thinking that maybe I was too stressed to be in that environment.  I was letting my disability win. 

I talked to a few of the supervisors at my old store as well as some friends and decided to give it another week.  I did a follow up conversation with a supervisor in which he advised that if I still feel awful and unprepared in a few weeks to talk to the manager and see if I can transfer to the front of my old store.  I will try it until my training is done.

I might be too hard on myself because I know what I was before.  Learning to be a technician is not beyond my abilities, but my mind and confidence is still healing.  It might be that way for a long time.  I know that my body is changing again as well because I am losing weight as well as my hair.  I am taking vitamins to counteract some of these changes. 

I do miss how my old brain used to function.  Maybe one day I can get back there, but who knows.  It's a lot of adjustments in a very short time.

Questioning

For the last few days I have been questioning my decision to transfer.  I like the company that I work for, but the pharmacy is hard, exhausting work.  The store I work at now is very small, cramped and has not natural light.  I know that my depression has spiked a bit and the location change might be part of the reason.

I was also on the production bench by myself for the first time on Saturday and I was drowning.  It's a lot of multi-tasking, which is difficult for a normal functioning brain, it's almost impossible for mine now.  Since I'm not 100% confident on production or the location of any medications it is quite easy to get overwhelmed.

Maybe being a pharmacy technician is too much for me to handle at this time.  I felt like I was doing well in Ridgefield in the front store because I knew what I was doing.  I have retail experience and retail is not too difficult anyway.  I felt good helping people find what they needed and providing good service.  The pharmacy is difficult because it's understaffed and very busy.  I know it's a good place to train, but it can be very overwhelming.

I will give it another week to see if anything improves because I've only been there for 10 shifts.  I am improving because I am able to get into the computer system, look things up and print out labels.  I just can't do them all simultaneously.  I don't know if I'm better off at a slower pace until I really get things down.

I do want to go back to Ridgefield because it's where I was hired from.  Maybe I should have asked for a supervisor position.  I just don't know what to do.

I'm Proud

I'm proud of the company that I work for because they took a stand and decided not to sell any tobacco products in their stores.  I mean it's a pharmacy and they are trying to make people take care of themselves better.  Cigarettes kind of don't do that.  By kind of I mean they don't at all.

I know that some people might be upset that they can't get everything they need in one place, but I honestly do not think that it will destroy profits like some people are predicting.  I mean it's primarily a pharmacy so most of its profits come from prescription drugs.  Anyway tobacco products are a pain to stock, maintain and have a higher yield in taxes than in profits. 

I have worked for companies in the past that have taken a political stance on things, but I was never proud of them for taking the stand.  I think in the past it was because it was part of an agenda that was being pushed instead of the general welfare of the customers.  The bank supported causes that were management's pet charities.  CVS will actually provide counseling and support for customers to quit smoking.

Could it backfire?  Sure as is anything that it different.  In my old store, that never sold cigarettes because it's new, even the smokers thought it was great that CVS isn't selling cigarettes anymore.  As a tech, it is mostly about referring customers to the pharmacist.  So it's not me directly helping people, but I can get them there.

So, what does this have to do with me as a mental health advocate?  I have seen many people with mental health issues smoke.  Smoking can actually exacerbate their symptoms instead of curb them.  I watched him once smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in an hour.  It didn't calm him, it made him seem more manic.  I can understand the self-medicating properties of smoking, but in the long run it does damage health and hurts someone with mental illness more.

So I think I am in the right place at the right time.  I'm happy that I am helping people in a small way.  I'm doing it more than I was at the bank.  Money is never as important as health.  I want to be a worthwhile person and I think by helping people be healthy in a small way can make me be the person I want to be.

I'm proud to work for a pharmacy innovation company.

The Cost of Depression

There is a huge cost to depression.  I'm not talking solely about money, but the cash price for depression is steep.  For treatment and medications it can cost thousands of dollars a year to maintain the treatment for the illness.  However, the is a huge social cost for having a mental illness that isn't talked about either.

Since there is very little education on mental illness, it is seen as a personality weakness instead of medical conditions.  This can interfere with jobs, families and friendships.  It's not easy to support someone with a mental illness, but it detrimental to abandon them.  I lost 4 people while going through my severe depression and one of them was him.  Part of the reason is because they were dealing with illnesses of their own. 

Depression itself can be isolating.  The illness tells the sufferer that no one likes them.  They may try to reach out just to get some support.  My suggestion is not to get caught up in the gloom from the person suffering.  Don't tell them the opposite of how they are feeling.  An example of this would be to tell the person that they are pretty even though they said that they aren't.  It's their illness making them feel like crap because it distorts the reality.  Instead ask them why they are feeling this way.  Even better would be to get them out of where they are.

Even being in a crowded place can help alleviate depression for just a little bit.  It is painful that people left when I was going through one of the worst times in my life, but it reflects badly on them not on me.  Yes, I lost my job because of my depression, but that was their discrimination and my poor judgement.  The bank needs to get into the 21st century, which they may get to in another two decades.  Now, I am in a better job.  Not necessarily better paying, but  better atmosphere.

The social cost of depression, to me, is quite high.  If we just show some compassion, then maybe the world could be a bit better place.  That's why I work with More Love Letters.  Even a little message of love can make someone better.  We all have battles that we hide, but something small can have a big impact.

I have a lot of work to do to get to a healthy place, but it's a journey I'm willing to take.  I hope you all will still be there to support me.