Open Letter

My Dearest Rose,

I got the news today that the EEOC dismissed the complaint basically for lack of evidence.  The fact that they made me seem crazy is a travesty.  The worst part is that I'm not insane.  I know more about my illness than anyone that works there.  I know more about yours than you do.  Yet, you're still there in a historically horrible work environment. 

That one day ruined my life.  My entire life.  I'm not even sure how I'm still alive because there are days when I wish I hadn't made it out.  Those are the days that is seems real; the days that I realize that you are gone.  Even if the suit had gone forward, no amount of money in the world could have stopped this pain.  You changed me and changed me again when you left.  Pain and loss they define us as much as happiness or love.  I don't want what they did to define me.

Part of it is the stigma against mental illness.  There is no way that I can change the minds of people about how being diagnosed with a mental illness is on par with being diagnosed with diabetes.  Managing it and recovering from it takes time.  It's not a continuous spike of onwards and upwards, but it's a rough road where setbacks come and triumphs linger.

I'm still working on Pile of Good Things because no company should be allowed to treat their employees as replaceable.  Nor should they be allowed to push someone over the edge.  The company I'm with now, while it has its problems, is no where near as uncaring as the one that rejected me.  At least they don't blame me or make me feel like I'm the one who is crazy or inventing drama. 

I am slowly moving on.  The downside of all of it though, I'm still lonely.  Someone told me to be happy of the time I had with you.  It was not enough.  We could have done great things together.  If you were happy, then I believe, I wouldn't be in so much pain about losing you.  However, I know you weren't when I was kicked out, nor do I think you are happy now.  Goodness cannot thrive in such contempt and misery.  You deserve so much better. 

I still miss you everyday.  I think I miss the fact that I could be my complete self with you.  I miss that you believed in me.  I miss your hug and I miss your trust.  I know that I cannot replace you.  I will probably never see you or speak to you again, but you were fantastic.  Absolutely fantastic.  And you know what?  So was I.
       
                                               Always,

                                             Phoenix