There is a dichotomy within me, which still baffles me. I do things to take care of myself and my body, yet there is still a destructive force within me. I don't completely understand it, but maybe if I do, then I could be free.
The thing is that I am being more conscious of what I put in my body. I am working on eating more fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to reduce my sugar and fat intake. I'm also doing yoga and trying to figure out an exercise plan. I also use perfumes, lotions and creams to make my skin look better. Those are all good things.
I have a job, despite the long rotating hours and the crazy people, that I love. I never even imagined going into pharmacy, but the truth is that I help people everyday. Are some of them obnoxious and rude? Of course, but some of them are in pain and I help them in a small way to get better. The hardest part is when insurance companies do not cooperate. I do the best I can because I'm part of a team.
The dichotomy is that sometimes the depression gets the best of me. Sometimes I'll cut especially when I'm not sleeping well. I'm trying to correct this problem. The dichotomy is that I take care of myself while at the same time, I destroy myself.
I don't completely understand it. A friend of mine told me that recovery is not a straight trajectory upwards, but is more like a roller coaster until it evens out. Maybe I'm just on that roller coaster. It's almost 2 years since Doomsday. 2 years since an employer decided that they needed to tell me who I could be friends with. This employer made my life a misery. It was hell. I don't remember a majority of one year because of that. It's not that I lost my friend. I lost several people because of that 1 day. I gained 35lbs because of that place. I lost confidence and got huge medical bills. One day planted in egregious ignorance caused the road that I'm on.
I am trying to get better. I am trying to recover. I'm trying to do something positive with my life that is slightly hindered by my disability. Right now I have a dichotomy within me. Hopefully it will not always be that way. Change is difficult. Recovering from trauma is difficult. Maybe the dichotomy will faded, maybe it won't. However, I'm still here. I survived.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
New Practice
Well, it's not necessarily new for me. I took a yoga class several years ago and really enjoyed it because it fixed my back and I felt calmer. I decided that this year I wanted to bring yoga back into my daily life. As I was at Aldi's, which is the best grocery store ever, they had a package called the gift of yoga, which only cost $4. It had a DVD and a guide book. That was how I got started on yoga again.
It's only been a week since I started yoga, but I feel more energized. Though I did realize how my flexibility and balance went down the toilet in the years since I took yoga. I'm hoping that these things will come back as I start incorporating the practice. Right now I'm only doing yoga 3 times a week for 15 minutes because it is that intense. I think if I keep working at it, I will feel better overall.
Yoga has some great health benefits, which is why I wanted to start again. It helps with energy and relaxation. Since I have problems with energy due to my thyroid condition, I think that the practice will help me with my lack of energy. It should also help with my cholesterol as yoga technically counts as exercise.
It's an improvement that I hope that I can continue.
It's only been a week since I started yoga, but I feel more energized. Though I did realize how my flexibility and balance went down the toilet in the years since I took yoga. I'm hoping that these things will come back as I start incorporating the practice. Right now I'm only doing yoga 3 times a week for 15 minutes because it is that intense. I think if I keep working at it, I will feel better overall.
Yoga has some great health benefits, which is why I wanted to start again. It helps with energy and relaxation. Since I have problems with energy due to my thyroid condition, I think that the practice will help me with my lack of energy. It should also help with my cholesterol as yoga technically counts as exercise.
It's an improvement that I hope that I can continue.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Episode
This past week I had an episode of depression. I'm still not sure what caused it, but it was 2 days of just feeling like a worthless fat lump. I was fine when I was at work because I was around people. I guess I feel incomplete.
A lot of people say that there will be more people to fill up my life. That is a lovely thought, but I am dealing with chronic loneliness. There was always something missing until Rose. He made me like myself despite all my flaws. That's a first. I miss the conversations that we used to have. He was exactly what I wanted. He was my affectionate friend.
Now, I have to say that my loneliness stems from the fact that I'm different. Not just that I'm Jewish in a largely Christian society, but I'm also gender fluid and am largely asexual. I might as well be a Time Lord with that many differences. Now it's definition time. Being Gender Fluid for me is feeling sometimes female, sometimes male, sometimes a mix of both and sometimes neither. Maybe I'm a drag queen in a way. As for being asexual, I am hetero romantic in that I prefer men and just want romance/affection. Sex is not really my thing. Maybe that's why being a pro domme as a back up career appealed to me because I wouldn't have to be intimate with anyone. It's tough being different. I haven't met anyone else like me. #timelordproblems.
I think it sets me apart because being married might be nice, but having children is essentially out. I do miss physical affection like hand holding and hugs. I think this might have added to the episode of depression that I had last week. I do have a roommate, but we have opposite schedules. We do hang out and talk, but it's not the same thing that I had with Rose.
I also miss seeing my friends. I do work a lot at my job and it doesn't really have a 9-5 schedule, but I miss having fun. The two things that I'm missing from my recovery is the socialization part outside of work and exercise. The latter is easier to accomplish than the former. I'm actually thinking of volunteering just as an excuse to not be alone as much.
Maybe I'll be plagued with these episodes until the end. I don't understand how people became so isolated, but sometimes I think that this loneliness is killing me.
A lot of people say that there will be more people to fill up my life. That is a lovely thought, but I am dealing with chronic loneliness. There was always something missing until Rose. He made me like myself despite all my flaws. That's a first. I miss the conversations that we used to have. He was exactly what I wanted. He was my affectionate friend.
Now, I have to say that my loneliness stems from the fact that I'm different. Not just that I'm Jewish in a largely Christian society, but I'm also gender fluid and am largely asexual. I might as well be a Time Lord with that many differences. Now it's definition time. Being Gender Fluid for me is feeling sometimes female, sometimes male, sometimes a mix of both and sometimes neither. Maybe I'm a drag queen in a way. As for being asexual, I am hetero romantic in that I prefer men and just want romance/affection. Sex is not really my thing. Maybe that's why being a pro domme as a back up career appealed to me because I wouldn't have to be intimate with anyone. It's tough being different. I haven't met anyone else like me. #timelordproblems.
I think it sets me apart because being married might be nice, but having children is essentially out. I do miss physical affection like hand holding and hugs. I think this might have added to the episode of depression that I had last week. I do have a roommate, but we have opposite schedules. We do hang out and talk, but it's not the same thing that I had with Rose.
I also miss seeing my friends. I do work a lot at my job and it doesn't really have a 9-5 schedule, but I miss having fun. The two things that I'm missing from my recovery is the socialization part outside of work and exercise. The latter is easier to accomplish than the former. I'm actually thinking of volunteering just as an excuse to not be alone as much.
Maybe I'll be plagued with these episodes until the end. I don't understand how people became so isolated, but sometimes I think that this loneliness is killing me.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
It Just Is
There are lots of things that are going around in my head and my heart right now. There is no reason for them, these feelings just exist. Loneliness is my main trigger. While I do have a roommate and we hang out together, I'm still really lonely. I'm not sure why, it just is.
I miss Rose. He was my friend and I don't think any amount of time that passes will make me stop missing him. The second anniversary of Doomsday is approaching and it still hurts. It's just not as raw. I still hate the bank and it's management for its suspicion and idiocy. Mostly I miss my friend. I miss having a relationship that open and honest. I miss someone asking what is wrong instead of avoiding it. With Rose, I wasn't lonely for the first time in my life. Did I have problems? Of course, but I didn't feel alone. I miss him and it just is.
As for the cutting, it's a struggle. Someone told me that if I stopped talking about it that I would get dates and wouldn't be lonely. I'm not proud that I'm a cutter. It's a coping mechanism and an unhealthy one at that. I'm not proud that I can't communicate my feelings of loneliness, pain and sadness, so I take it out on my own body. I'm trying to move past it, but I'd rather someone know up front than freak out later. It's part of me. The scars are part of me. It just is.
I don't understand how people have become so isolated. Depression is on the rise and part of it is because we aren't as social. Social media only shows us the highlight reel. We don't see the whole picture when reading the news feeds, the tweets, the posts, etc. I try to invite people out but sometimes the answer I get is that being an adult sucks. Yes it does, but we have to make time. Maybe friends don't really matter as much as money or security, but money will not take away the pain. Being alone is being caused by something. It just is.
So here I am in the middle of the night, typing away because I'm lonely. I miss him. I miss feeling cared about. I miss being clear headed and sure of myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I'm at a new store and have to adjust to a new set of people again. Maybe it's a good thing because I can't get comfortable enough to make mistakes. I'm not proud of everything that I've done or of my life for the past two years, but I'm still here and I am me. Right now my life just is.
I miss Rose. He was my friend and I don't think any amount of time that passes will make me stop missing him. The second anniversary of Doomsday is approaching and it still hurts. It's just not as raw. I still hate the bank and it's management for its suspicion and idiocy. Mostly I miss my friend. I miss having a relationship that open and honest. I miss someone asking what is wrong instead of avoiding it. With Rose, I wasn't lonely for the first time in my life. Did I have problems? Of course, but I didn't feel alone. I miss him and it just is.
As for the cutting, it's a struggle. Someone told me that if I stopped talking about it that I would get dates and wouldn't be lonely. I'm not proud that I'm a cutter. It's a coping mechanism and an unhealthy one at that. I'm not proud that I can't communicate my feelings of loneliness, pain and sadness, so I take it out on my own body. I'm trying to move past it, but I'd rather someone know up front than freak out later. It's part of me. The scars are part of me. It just is.
I don't understand how people have become so isolated. Depression is on the rise and part of it is because we aren't as social. Social media only shows us the highlight reel. We don't see the whole picture when reading the news feeds, the tweets, the posts, etc. I try to invite people out but sometimes the answer I get is that being an adult sucks. Yes it does, but we have to make time. Maybe friends don't really matter as much as money or security, but money will not take away the pain. Being alone is being caused by something. It just is.
So here I am in the middle of the night, typing away because I'm lonely. I miss him. I miss feeling cared about. I miss being clear headed and sure of myself. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I'm at a new store and have to adjust to a new set of people again. Maybe it's a good thing because I can't get comfortable enough to make mistakes. I'm not proud of everything that I've done or of my life for the past two years, but I'm still here and I am me. Right now my life just is.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The Outcomes of Exhaustion
One of the most difficult thing about having Hashimoto's is the fatigue. I get tired easier than others and the fatigue adds to the lack of exercise that I get. This past week, it caused an accident.
Since I worked 11 days in a row, I developed a cold, which I just got rid of. I was so exhausted from just all the working and not doing well in taking my medications. I wanted to have a bagel, so I started slicing it and my thumb got in the way. I had enough of a mind to rinse it off, wrap it up and elevate it above my heart to try to stop the bleeding. It wouldn't stop, so after talking to my parents who are 5000 miles away, I drove myself to urgent care.
At urgent care I had to wait about 45 minutes to get seen, but it was worth it because I needed stitches. I almost passed out while getting the stitches. I'm fine with blood and getting medication, but maybe just the feeling of getting the stitches was getting to me. I thought it was 5 stitches, but it was 3. I change the bandages every 6-8 hours and give them time to dry in the air. I have to get the stitches removed on the 19th.
My thumb is ok, but it hurts when my thumb touches things. Believe me, it was interesting trying to put clothes on while having a sore thumb. It isn't as sore now, but there is still some pain. I have a high tolerance for pain, but that was a bit more than I could handle.
I guess it's time to invest in a bagel cutter and get some sleep. Exhaustion is one of the worst symptoms of my illness and the one that is the most difficult for me to manage.
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Since I worked 11 days in a row, I developed a cold, which I just got rid of. I was so exhausted from just all the working and not doing well in taking my medications. I wanted to have a bagel, so I started slicing it and my thumb got in the way. I had enough of a mind to rinse it off, wrap it up and elevate it above my heart to try to stop the bleeding. It wouldn't stop, so after talking to my parents who are 5000 miles away, I drove myself to urgent care.
At urgent care I had to wait about 45 minutes to get seen, but it was worth it because I needed stitches. I almost passed out while getting the stitches. I'm fine with blood and getting medication, but maybe just the feeling of getting the stitches was getting to me. I thought it was 5 stitches, but it was 3. I change the bandages every 6-8 hours and give them time to dry in the air. I have to get the stitches removed on the 19th.
My thumb is ok, but it hurts when my thumb touches things. Believe me, it was interesting trying to put clothes on while having a sore thumb. It isn't as sore now, but there is still some pain. I have a high tolerance for pain, but that was a bit more than I could handle.
I guess it's time to invest in a bagel cutter and get some sleep. Exhaustion is one of the worst symptoms of my illness and the one that is the most difficult for me to manage.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Blessed
I always hear a lot of people say that they feel blessed, but I never understood what that meant until today. Today, I felt blessed. I have been having a few good days even with a cold. I've felt happier than I have since London. It's a deep feeling of contentment. I know that it might not last very long, but for now, I will enjoy it.
My friend/roommate just moved in, which is great. I will at least see someone every once in a while. I still have to work on cleaning up the apartment because I have so much stuff. I'm working on getting rid of things. I definitely am not buying anything for a long time. Yet, I still have gift cards.
This morning it snowed, I woke up to the groundskeeper shoveling. I thought I had to move my car. The thing that was the best was that a couple of guys were cleaning off everyone's cars. I felt so happy that someone was being kind. I think I have great place to live. I'm thankful that I got it.
It's a new feeling. Now time to get back to sorting things out and cleaning.
My friend/roommate just moved in, which is great. I will at least see someone every once in a while. I still have to work on cleaning up the apartment because I have so much stuff. I'm working on getting rid of things. I definitely am not buying anything for a long time. Yet, I still have gift cards.
This morning it snowed, I woke up to the groundskeeper shoveling. I thought I had to move my car. The thing that was the best was that a couple of guys were cleaning off everyone's cars. I felt so happy that someone was being kind. I think I have great place to live. I'm thankful that I got it.
It's a new feeling. Now time to get back to sorting things out and cleaning.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
New Year
I don't usually make New Year's resolutions because I never stick to them. Mostly because I always say that I'm going to lose weight and I never take steps to work on that. I think this is going to be the year where I treat myself kindly. I am not very kind to myself, but am kind to others.
One of the things that I want to do is feed myself better. My job makes it difficult to have a precise schedule or eating at regular times. I am going to start by swapping the high calorie/high sugar choices for healthier things. I have to say that I feel better when I'm having salads and eating nuts. It's something that I am going to try this year.
Exercise is another thing that is difficult again because of my schedule. Also my job is physically and mentally exhausting. Some days I limp because I've been on my feet all day. I did my 30 day trial at a gym and only went 4 times. I don't think the gym is the way to go. Back to the drawing board for an exercise plan.
One of the things that I have started was putting lavender oil in my pillow. Essential oils have some great uses. It's also something that was suggested by my wellness rewards coach. The first night of doing it seemed to help a lot. I fell asleep a bit faster, but was still exhausted in the morning. I think I need to drink more water. Perhaps the dehydration is why I'm so tired.
These are just some ideas on how I'm going to treat myself better. I'm hopeful about making the little changes that will eventually pay off. For now, I'm working on the major project of cleaning my apartment.
One of the things that I want to do is feed myself better. My job makes it difficult to have a precise schedule or eating at regular times. I am going to start by swapping the high calorie/high sugar choices for healthier things. I have to say that I feel better when I'm having salads and eating nuts. It's something that I am going to try this year.
Exercise is another thing that is difficult again because of my schedule. Also my job is physically and mentally exhausting. Some days I limp because I've been on my feet all day. I did my 30 day trial at a gym and only went 4 times. I don't think the gym is the way to go. Back to the drawing board for an exercise plan.
One of the things that I have started was putting lavender oil in my pillow. Essential oils have some great uses. It's also something that was suggested by my wellness rewards coach. The first night of doing it seemed to help a lot. I fell asleep a bit faster, but was still exhausted in the morning. I think I need to drink more water. Perhaps the dehydration is why I'm so tired.
These are just some ideas on how I'm going to treat myself better. I'm hopeful about making the little changes that will eventually pay off. For now, I'm working on the major project of cleaning my apartment.
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