The Dichotomy

There is a dichotomy within me, which still baffles me.  I do things to take care of myself and my body, yet there is still a destructive force within me.  I don't completely understand it, but maybe if I do, then I could be free.

The thing is that I am being more conscious of what I put in my body.  I am working on eating more fruits and vegetables.  I'm trying to reduce my sugar and fat intake.  I'm also doing yoga and trying to figure out an exercise plan. I also use perfumes, lotions and creams to make my skin look better.  Those are all good things.

I have a job, despite the long rotating hours and the crazy people, that I love.  I never even imagined going into pharmacy, but the truth is that I help people everyday.  Are some of them obnoxious and rude?  Of course, but some of them are in pain and I help them in a small way to get better.  The hardest part is when insurance companies do not cooperate.  I do the best I can because I'm part of a team. 

The dichotomy is that sometimes the depression gets the best of me.  Sometimes I'll cut especially when I'm not sleeping well.  I'm trying to correct this problem.  The dichotomy is that I take care of myself while at the same time, I destroy myself.

I don't completely understand it.  A friend of mine told me that recovery is not a straight trajectory upwards, but is more like a roller coaster until it evens out.  Maybe I'm just on that roller coaster.  It's almost 2 years since Doomsday.  2 years since an employer decided that they needed to tell me who I could be friends with.  This employer made my life a misery.  It was hell.  I don't remember a majority of one year because of that.  It's not that I lost my friend.  I lost several people because of that 1 day.  I gained 35lbs because of that place.  I lost confidence and got huge medical bills.  One day planted in egregious ignorance caused the road that I'm on.

I am trying to get better.  I am trying to recover.  I'm trying to do something positive with my life that is slightly hindered by my disability.  Right now I have a dichotomy within me.  Hopefully it will not always be that way.  Change is difficult.  Recovering from trauma is difficult.  Maybe the dichotomy will faded, maybe it won't.  However, I'm still here.  I survived.