Why I Still Have Birthday Parties

My 32nd birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I usually have a birthday party of some kind for it.  I know that some people think birthday parties are for kids or that it's selfish to have one at this age, but I have it for 2 reasons.  The first is that it is a way to see many of my friends, whom, due to adult responsibilities, I don't see too often.  The second is that I still can because there was a dark time where I might not have been able to have anymore birthdays.  I have a friend who will no longer have anymore birthdays and that weighs on me.

I want to focus more on the second reason. I went through a very dark time and didn't think that I would make it out alive.  My life was broken, I lost people and I wanted to give up.  Luckily for me, I had a few very special people that were there for me and continue to be there for me.  So, I still celebrate my birthday because I'm still here to have one.  I don't care if I get presents, but I do appreciate them. Having the party to appreciate my friends and my life is the reward.

In July, I attended a birthday party for my friend at a bar.  I had fun and had great food.  She seemed very happy and grateful that people came.  I didn't have any money to get her a present, but was glad that I went.  It was in July, but the night was a bit chilly.  I remember having to wear my boyfriend's jacket.  Three months later, my friend died.  How is not important.  What is important is that she will not have anymore birthdays.  She was 37 and we related to each other a lot.  Not just because we are both Jewish, but we also had some mental health issues.  She would basically celebrate her birthday for an entire month...now no more birthdays.

So, I will have a party for mine.  I invite all my friends that are in the area and some that aren't.  I reach out because being here and alive is still important to me.  This party will be small because it's 9 days before Christmas, so work holiday parties and family obligations take up time.  I will have a good time though.  We'll have some drinks, eat some food and play some games. 

I'm still alive , so that's why I still have birthday parties.

Happiness

Today was Rosh Hashanah or Jewish New Year with the year being 5778.  The Rabbi had a sermon today about happiness.  Judaism, according to her, it about going after being happy.  Jews don't make a habit of denying themselves unless it's for a specific reason.  There are a few fast holidays, such as Yom Kippur, but Judaism isn't about denial to be close to G-d.  I found this concept quite interesting and something that I hadn't thought about before.

In her sermon, she asked us to close our eyes and think of something or somethings that could make us happier in this year.  I had 2 things that immediately came to mind: finding a new job and getting engaged.  These two things may not happen in the next year, but I am no the road to making that happen.  I am applying to jobs and I am moving in with my boyfriend in April.  So, moving forward at least.

While I will be pursuing my own happiness, I also have a tragedy in the back of my mind.  I advocate for mental health awareness, as many of you know.  This past month, my community was affected by a suicide.  This man was a police officer, had three children and was married to a friend.  There wasn't a stated reason to why he ended his life.  The negotiation team was outside his hotel room, but were not able to talk him down.  We may never know why.  I know that his family will need support for a long while to come.  Friends and well wishers will go on with their lives, but the immediate family will have a long road to recovery.  I know this and will assist in any way that I can in the long term.

I still struggle and know that I will continue to struggle with depression.  I have a lot of things to look forward to.  I am writing again.  I hope to take more classes this year because learning also makes me happy.  Life always changes and there are curve balls ahead, I know.  I want to continue to be a good friend, girlfriend, employee, daughter and sister.

L'shana Tova!

Another Loss

While at work today, I found out that Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, had passed away from an apparent suicide.  I felt gutted for 2 reasons.  The first was that a talented voice was silenced and the second was that someone who sang about things so deep could not survive his own pain.

Obviously, Chester had struggles and demons.  I understand a lot about depression.  I know that it lies and makes the afflicted believe that the world is better off without them, without their talent, without their love.  That's the biggest lie in the world because it's not true and will never be true.  I have been down that path, but have recovered.

I have been working on an off for years to write about how to support a friend that is struggling.  The one thing that I can say is don't leave the friend alone.  Contact them, because they might be too lost in the darkness to contact you.  Try to engage them.  Most importantly do not give up on them.  Depression is not fun and someone depressed is not the life of the party.  However, being there can be the little light in the darkness.

While in High School and College, Linkin Park's music made me feel less alone and a bit understood.  "Breaking the Habit" is still one of my favorite songs.  Listening to it tonight, however, has made it more haunting.  This was due to the fact that is was about a permanent solution to struggles.

This man was a singer, yes, but also a husband, a father, a brother and a son.  A family is in immeasurable pain.  Suicide is not the solution.  There is help and there is hope.

What Now?

As it's almost 5 years since Doomsday has occurred, I'm wondering what I do now?  My life has changed and I've grown, but it's a different direction than I had anticipated 4 and half years ago.  I have a boyfriend and we're moving in together in April.  I have a steady job, but am looking for a career that is higher pay and less stress. 

Moving on is effortless and difficult at the same time.  My bad days are still not normal person bad days.  I get depressed on a bad day and have dark thoughts.  The good thing is that now I can recognize them and get out of them pretty quickly.  Part of the process of moving forward is downsizing.  I don't have the sweater I wore that day because I had lost weight and it was too big.  I still have a box of his e-mails, which will probably go into the storage locker.  I'm not willing to let them go because they were so positive.  I miss that relationship.

I guess what I should be working on is figuring out what I want to do for a career.  I don't know honestly.  I want to help and empower people in some way.  I'm looking towards education, but what brings me joy is History.  I feel like I'm a little more lost than I was before the incident happened.

It's time to reflect, soul search and think.

Cherry Blossoms

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I, went to the Cherry Blossom Festival at the Botanical Gardens in Brooklyn.  We were talking about it before I went to Israel on vacation, but he surprised me with the tickets upon my return.  It was a magical day and probably one of my best in a long time.  I guess that means that I'm almost fully recovered.

It was a very long, warm day.  We got up at 7 for the train, which is across the street from my apartment.  The ride was not remarkable, but it was a cool morning, so I was wearing a little jacket and a hat.  It did get up to 85 degrees, but it was sunny with a nice breeze.  We walked around a bit before the opening ceremony where I got to take some pictures of the flowers.  They have quite an impressive collection from all over the world.

We had lunch during the opening ceremony.  He had made wraps, chicken and ham.  The honey mustard on the chicken was too spicy for me, but I did my best to eat it.  The drums were impressive.  The girl's costumes were beautiful.  I felt very at peace underneath the blossoms watching a performance with someone I love.  We then tried to make the tea ceremony, but it had hit capacity, so it was more wandering the garden.

We looked at the vendors.  I was good and didn't buy anything though there were some gorgeous hair pieces I would have loved to get.  Perhaps the next time.  My boyfriend did buy some books and played a game of go while I rested.  I've been having feet problems, so this was a lot of walking for me.  We also entered a raffle from the Bonsai society, which we won.  We got a substantial sized bonsai tree.  It's beautiful and will require care.






After more wanderings and pictures, we finally made it to the tea ceremony. It was like being transported to a different world.  I felt the serenity that the ceremony was supposed to instill.  There was beauty in its tradition that I could appreciate.  I was super sweaty at this point, but I enjoyed the grace and explanations.

At the end of the day, we headed back to the train station only to find out that we had to wait 2 hours for the train!  What were we to do?  I remembered advice from my dad that there are reasonably priced restaurants on 2nd ave.  We walked the few blocks and picked a Mexican Cantina.  They said there would be a 20% tip included, which was fine.  I had tacos and he had a quesadilla.  We shared bottomless chips and salsa.  Oh, that salsa trio was divine.  I wish we could bottle it and take it home.  We paid less than $20 per person for that meal.  It was an excellent end to an excellent day.



I look forward to more excellent days.  There are far fewer bad days than there have been in the past.  There is hope, beauty and love in my life.  Hopefully, the adventures and goodness will continue.

Israel

I have to apologize for not writing for so long.  I have been a bit preoccupied looking for another job and having a steady boyfriend.  I also took a two week vacation to Israel, which was both restorative and enlightening.

I have to say that Israel is both warmer and brighter than where I live now.  Aside from missing my boyfriend, I didn't feel depressed or down at all.  I wouldn't even need my light box if I was there more often.  I also have to say that it is quite a peaceful place.  There are not bombs going off left and right.  There aren't people being stabbed left and right in the streets.  Yes, there is extra security and soldiers, but that's just daily life. 

I saw such beautiful things.  In Jerusalem, we went to the Austrian Hospice in the heart of Jerusalem.  It has a garden and it was so peaceful in the middle of the bustling old city.  I bought myself a gorgeous enameled mezzuzah for my door.  There is also an amazing culinary scene in Israel.  I had some great food, especially falafel.

I went down to Kibbutz Sa'ad, which is about 5 miles from Gaza.  There were amazing programs going on there.  They have a dairy farm where the adults work.  There were also different smaller animals that the children take care of like peacocks and goats.  There is also a sewing building where many of the retired women make felt books for kids that teach them about holidays as well as how to count, match colors and tie shoes.  The people there did not live in fear, they live their lives.

My favorite day was Purim.  It was like Halloween in the States, but amped up.  Everyone dresses up and there is music, games and parades.  Then I went to the beach.  I got seashells and walked in the Mediterranean Sea.  It was a little cold, but the waves were pretty.  My dad was sitting on the beach watching and singing to Gaga.  It was a brilliant experience.

While I was there I made some decisions.  The first was that I needed a career change.  I've been in retail pharmacy for almost 3 years and the truth is that I don't like the public that much.  The second is that I will have a committed relationship with my boyfriend. This seems to be going well as he said he loved me for the first time while I was away.   The third is that I will get healthy.  Exercise is my biggest challenge for this part, but I'm sure I will be able to get it done.  I have a new perspective on myself and have recharged batteries.  Time to make the changes.

4 Years On

It's coming onto the 4th anniversary of Doomsday.  The day that ended my old life.  A lot has happened over the last 4 years and would like to go over all the improvements that have happened, as well as some of the things I need to improve on.

It's said that it takes 4 years to get over trauma and there are feelings associated.  The first year is about getting back to functional.  I don't remember much about that first year because it was just hazy days of gray.  I remember the 2 worst days and the day of the incident.  None of which, I wish, to rehash.  The second year is dealing with anger because there is a lot of blame and self blame.  I know that what happened was not my fault. The anger was the reason I lost my old crappy job, which was for the best.  The third year, you're mostly sad.  For me, the sadness would go away and come back.  I think the major source of the sadness dissipating is that I found a really wonderful partner.  Year 4 is about feeling better and starting to move on, which is the stage I'm at.  Year 5 is pretty much recovery.

I have been off the anti-depressants for a year.  I feel mostly stable off them.  My major triggers now are my job, since I'm overqualified and underpaid and my financial situation for the above listed reason.  As I was recovering, I was focusing more on that instead of my career that I got two degrees for.  I am now slowly working towards a career instead of going from underpaying job to underpaying job.  With that goal in mind, I can start chipping away at the debt mountain that happened because of the trauma care (it's at least $1000 on one credit card).  Sometimes I miss Rose, but it is only occasionally.

I still have things to work on.  I am still working on getting my weight down  (7lbs down in 9 months) to a happy level, which for me would be 175lbs.  While I am changing my diet, I also need to exercise and stretch more.  Since I keep re-injuring my ankle, I think I am stuck with light exercises like walking or swimming.  I would like to be a size 12.  I'd still be curvy, but not as jiggly.  I gained a lot of weight because of the trauma.  Barely being able to move will add to the waistline. 

I am quite happy with the fact that I am becoming more social and getting involved with the communities that I belong to.  I hope to be able to see my friends more an accomplish more of my goals.  I will be going to Israel this year and taking a balloon ride. I'm hoping to pay off 1 credit card this year.  I am making plans for the future with my partner.  We don't have a conventional relationship, but I'm not a conventional person.  We support each other and make each other happy.

This year seems to be full of potential changes.  Things are looking up and for the better.  I'm actually looking forward to the future.

Body Positive.

Yesterday, I did something that I never thought I would do.  However, my goal this year is to be healthier and more body positive.  So, In addition to stop drinking soda (day 15 without and counting), I worked as a nude art model for a drawing class.  It was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

It wasn't exactly like the picture, but it was in the same vein.  I got there early since it was my first time posing and wanted some direction.  I had my boyfriend come to because I took half an Ativan due to anxiety.  I'm not thin or beautiful.  I am curvy, have spider veins due to injury and have cellulite.  However figure drawing is not about drawing straight lines.  I did three 30 second action poses.  Those were easy as were the 1 minute poses.  The 5 minute was challenging as was the 10 minute pose.  The 20 minute pose was difficult.  I had to break the pose on my upper body because it was so hard to stay still with my arms raised at an angle.  The comfort that I had was that my boyfriend stayed and was allowed to draw as he knows the instructor, hence how I heard of the job in the first place.  His first drawing was a stick figure with boobs.

My last pose was of me lying down in a classic art pose.  It was about an hour and the final drawings were amazing.  The students ranged in age from 18-65.  There were a few professional artists that were doing skills refreshers.   The students were quite impressive and some of the drawings will be going into their portfolios for college credit. 

As for me, I'm still feeling giddy and confident about my body.  It was a full body work out doing 2 hours of posing staying absolutely still.  I received good feedback from both the instructors and the artists. The artists didn't know that this was my first time posing.  I was trying to be as calm and serene as possible.  My boyfriend even gave me his last drawing. 

It was a great experience and would do it again in an instant.

Drawing by Brian O'Connor.  Used with permission.