Another Loss

While at work today, I found out that Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, had passed away from an apparent suicide.  I felt gutted for 2 reasons.  The first was that a talented voice was silenced and the second was that someone who sang about things so deep could not survive his own pain.

Obviously, Chester had struggles and demons.  I understand a lot about depression.  I know that it lies and makes the afflicted believe that the world is better off without them, without their talent, without their love.  That's the biggest lie in the world because it's not true and will never be true.  I have been down that path, but have recovered.

I have been working on an off for years to write about how to support a friend that is struggling.  The one thing that I can say is don't leave the friend alone.  Contact them, because they might be too lost in the darkness to contact you.  Try to engage them.  Most importantly do not give up on them.  Depression is not fun and someone depressed is not the life of the party.  However, being there can be the little light in the darkness.

While in High School and College, Linkin Park's music made me feel less alone and a bit understood.  "Breaking the Habit" is still one of my favorite songs.  Listening to it tonight, however, has made it more haunting.  This was due to the fact that is was about a permanent solution to struggles.

This man was a singer, yes, but also a husband, a father, a brother and a son.  A family is in immeasurable pain.  Suicide is not the solution.  There is help and there is hope.

What Now?

As it's almost 5 years since Doomsday has occurred, I'm wondering what I do now?  My life has changed and I've grown, but it's a different direction than I had anticipated 4 and half years ago.  I have a boyfriend and we're moving in together in April.  I have a steady job, but am looking for a career that is higher pay and less stress. 

Moving on is effortless and difficult at the same time.  My bad days are still not normal person bad days.  I get depressed on a bad day and have dark thoughts.  The good thing is that now I can recognize them and get out of them pretty quickly.  Part of the process of moving forward is downsizing.  I don't have the sweater I wore that day because I had lost weight and it was too big.  I still have a box of his e-mails, which will probably go into the storage locker.  I'm not willing to let them go because they were so positive.  I miss that relationship.

I guess what I should be working on is figuring out what I want to do for a career.  I don't know honestly.  I want to help and empower people in some way.  I'm looking towards education, but what brings me joy is History.  I feel like I'm a little more lost than I was before the incident happened.

It's time to reflect, soul search and think.