Famous Last Words

I picked up a book when I was in Mystic entitled, Famous Last Words.  They are the finalish words of well known people from presidents to celebrities to criminals.  Some were humorous others were tragic.  The one that got to me the most was one from Vincent Van Gogh.

"I paint as a means to make life bearable. Don't weep.  What I have done is best for all of us.  No use, I shall never be rid of this depression."  Van Gogh killed himself in 1890.  We have come a long way in the treatment of mental illnesses.  This was said in 1890 when there was no medication and psychotherapy was not in existence quite yet.  Van Gogh had to come up with his own way to survive his madness, while he may not have been completely successful, he did the best he could.  His therapy was painting and he saw the world in a different way, which he depicted in his paintings.

I was tinkering with an idea for a new campaign.  It is now titled, " ___ makes life better."  It's going to be about our hobbies, interests and passions that make life worth living.  It is a component to dealing with a dreadful illness.   My main thing is writing.  Writing makes my life better.  The campaign is going to start November 1.  I hope you can participate and you may send the entry to zandraava@gmail.com.

Boats, Seas and Whales Too!

I was away on a much needed break to Mystic, CT for my best friend's 30th Birthday.  I went with Brianna and her fiance, Adam.  I can say that it was a time that I was deeply happy.  It's not a long drive from where I live and the journey was pleasant even if we got lost.

We stayed at Days Inn Mystic, where we were upgraded to King Beds, which was great for me as it was very roomy and I had some much needed time to myself.  The first thing we did was go swimming.  The water was cold, but refreshing.  We decided what to do for the few days we were there.  After a shower, we went to Jack's Wayback burger where we had chili mac and cheese burgers.  They were excellent.  We drove around to find our surroundings.  We ended up in Downtown Mystic where we went shopping.  I found a piece of art that I will share now.

It was something that I needed because depression is a struggle.  I am telling my story as we are all stories.  We had an enjoyable evening walking around.  We went to a bookshop where I bought a pin that says, "Brave."  I figured that very few people are brave, but I am one of them. We also got to see the drawbridge go up, which was a marvel as the bridge is 90 years old.  Humans can to amazingly innovative things. We then spent the evening watching Game of Thrones.  That was our evening activity for the time we spent in Mystic.

The next day after breakfast, we went to Mystic Aquarium.  I was so excited about this because I love aquariums.  I love sea life because the water makes me calm.  My favorite creatures are sharks, but the beluga whales made me happy.  They play, swim and have simpler lives in the aquarium.  Whales can feel much like humans can it is reported, so yes they can feel loss.  One of the Belugas hung out in the back to get attention from the trainers.  Maybe it's lonely too.

We then went to Olde Mystic Village to have lunch and do some shopping.  We had lunch at Ten Clams where I had New England clam chowder and fish and chips.  It was decent filling food.  Wandering around the village was fun. I got a facial and spent too much money on beauty products, but I will use them.  After shopping, it was nap time, which I did homework during.  Then it was Dominos and Game of Thrones.

Wednesday was HOT!  We went to Mystic Seaport to see ships.  I've been before and have had some fantastic times on those old boats.  The coolest thing was that I got to see Jellyfish in the water.  We also saw the progress on the restoration of the Charles W. Morgan, a wooden whaling ship, which is going along beautifully.  It should be fully restored in 2014.

After the seaport we explored a few local wineries.  I love wine and had a great time tasting them.  We then had a swim since it was sooooo hot. For dinner we went to Friendly's for ice cream, but the fruit flies loved Brianna for some horrible reason.  We ended the night with more Game of Thrones.

The last day, we went back to Mystic Aquarium and had a last jaunt around Downtown Mystic where I had a delicious panini.  I took some final photos of Mystic River and the bridge.  Then we were off home.  The sun was shinning like it knew that I was truly happy.

There are somethings that just make people enjoy life.  It's not major things, just simple things like the sun, or flowers or the sea.  The sea makes me better both mentally and physically.  One day, I would like to live by the sea and just be me.  I was happy in Mystic, which means that the possibility to feel happy again is there, thanks to the sea and four beluga whales.

That Smile

Have you ever seen someone whose smile stopped you in your tracks and completely disarmed you?  Have you ever known that that smile was meant for you?  I received that smile once and I miss seeing it.  It's just a memory now.

A smile that beautiful was part of my pile of good things.  That was something that was so important for me and I miss meaning something to someone.  I know that my friends and my family care about me and I value that, however that smile awoke something in me.  I've just been remembering him a lot.

I am going on a wondrous vacation this week with my best friend, which I'm looking forward to because I'm carrying on.   But there are times when I wish I could tell him just how much better I'm doing.  I want to tell him that I still care for him.  I did so much for him when he asked, but when I needed everyone's support, he left.  That still stings, which brings up my anger.

I can understand why people leave, but I'm a giver.  It is my nature either as a person or as an empathic to help people.  I want to make people feel better because no one deserves the pain that I went through.  It's just disappointing when I did not receive the same in return.  He's not the only one that left or became distant, but I feel his loss a bit more keenly than the others.  I just have to remember that not everyone is like me.  Not everyone is brave.  Not everyone can stare through the face of pain.  Not everyone can give back.

I miss all these people and it hurts, but I carry on the best I can.  That is why I take classes as well as write this blog.  I hope that one day I will see that smile again from somebody.  I hope we all find that smile.

Pile of Good Things

The above quote is from the episode, "Vincent and the Doctor."  Anyone who has read about Vincent Van Gogh knows that he was a troubled soul who produced some of the most original and memorable art.  Van Gogh committed suicide at the age of 37.  Since suicide prevention week is coming up, I decided to write about this quote.

We all need a pile of good things.  There are events and people in our lives that make it worth living even at times we don't believe this to be true.  The good things in life don't stop the bad things from happening as the only constant in life is change.  I am still doing good things for myself like exercising and taking classes.  These things did not stop the rift or the incident nor did they soften the blow, but I'm still trying.  I am still here and being here means that I can have amazing things in my life.

We can't stop tragedy, but we can remember the great things, the time we spend with the people we love.  It still hurts that some people have left, but we had some great times together.  Memory is sometimes all the companionship we get and that's in the pile of good things.

I also want to call my charity Pile of Good Things because it is every person's social responsibility, I believe, to add to the pile of good things.  There is so much sorrow in the world that maybe if we know our rights as employees and employers learn prevention techniques for mental health issues, then maybe, just maybe, we can help one another.  Maybe we can have a pile of good things that can be shared with everyone.

In other news, I am working on another campaign for the blog since I Am Not My Scars was so successful.  It's going to be something different.  Look for more details soon.  This campaign is going to happen in November.

In Loving Memory

This is a guest post by my friend, Gina, who has been really supportive of my journey.  She also really loved the campaign idea and wanted to write her story and provide a picture.  I post it all below.  I hope you enjoy it what she wrote, so that you can see how special and beautiful she is.  Gina survived something awful.  Her scars are part of her and make her amazing.

I remember, ten years ago, changed the course of my life. Little did I know, at thirteen, I would have endured what most would call, unimaginable. Now my story manifests in my life as a story of encouragement and resiliency that I can’t wait to share with the next person who asks, “Where is that scar from?”

Another memory I have, a couple years following, is of a lady I met on my Make a Wish® trip. While walking beside the pool in my two-piece, she stopped me and asked if “it “saved my life. I thought for a moment, and realized she was asking about the pink rugged scar spanning the length of my belly. I seemed to have forgotten about already. I said, “Yes”, with a smile on my face. She said hers did too, and she sported a much older scar on her belly. “Then it’s beautiful, no matter what anyone says to you the rest of your life.” Her words stuck with me these last ten years. Words can impact someone’s life, and they can be beneficial or detrimental. As a child in a water park, naturally I went back to what I was doing that day, but how could I know that ten years later I’d be writing about what this lady said to me? It was only a 30 second exchange. We cannot pick and choose what people will remember, but we can certainly choose to be encouraging and pass the lessons we’ve learned along to the generation.

Today, I am not defined by the scars; I am strengthened, and have chosen to turn it into a lesson of courage and a remarkable journey that speaks volumes. I will not be remembered as the girl with the giant scar on my stomach or the girl with a scar in the middle of her chest. My legacy will be of one who has overcome the odds triumphantly. I choose not be labeled as a survivor, where my scars are just former wounds, I choose to be called a victor. My scars represent battles won. All the pain and anguish never left a name. Our perspective and what we choose to represent and bring into other’s lives is how you will be remembered. Leave a legacy of love, kindness, and forgiveness.

There are a number of kids I met in my journey who lost their lives, unable to tell their legacy. Though their lives were short, I can tell you they’ve left a bigger impact on my life than many people who are still alive. For me, I choose to represent some of the lessons these children could not to the living world. They have “forever faith”, I call it. Even though it was time to give up the fight, they were never defeated. I knew it at thirteen and I know it now. Another is their gratefulness, because they knew tomorrow was not promised. I will never forget how excited the children were for the snack cart or a blanket that was donated to them from a non-profit or a just kind person. Be grateful for the small things as well as the big things. Finally, they all smiled. Their genuine smiles are the number one thing I remember, because even when I felt it was impossible to smile, one of the kids would be smiling at me and I could not help but to smile back.

There is much more that can be learned from these kids, but these are a few of the ones I feel are important.

In loving memory of: Nija, Gregory, Casey, and Caitlin. Though you are not here, your beautiful lives, teach infinite lessons beyond the physical realm.
∞∞∞∞∞

The Doctor or Daleks part 2

I was waiting till after my campaign to write this essay.  It will be a short essay on how the Doctor (or the Daleks) made me better.  Yes, it's a Doctor Who thing, but get over it.  We all need something to believe in.  For some people it's God, for some it's Cows, for some it's being a Jedi (which I'm totally serious about.  See polls of religions in Britain and Jedi is on there).  While I identify as Jewish, I believe more in the Doctor, the good of the human race and the paranormal.  This is about the Doctor.  How stories can really help all of us.

As I've stated previously, Doctor Who was always on the periphery of my life.  I knew what it was, who was involved and vaguely what it was about.  I would watch the Christmas specials when I lived in England and just enjoyed the odd story or two.  It wasn't until this year that it made an effect on me in a big way and partially it was because of him.

He and I were close once and he loved Doctor Who.  In fact, just after Christmas he showed me the little Tardis he received as a present.  He's English, you see and I miss the English.  When he left, I think that's when I really got into the Doctor because I miss Britain so much.  Doctor Who is so British sometimes that it isn't funny (Tea actually heals the Doctor at one point).  So, I started following Doctor Who and the Tardis on Facebook because of this:

I was already going mad because of cutting, depression and heartbreak that it felt like something in the universe understood.  So, I started watching the show.

When the Daleks got introduced in the first season, that's when I fell in love with the show.  I love the complexity of them.  How they are so driven by hatred for everything that isn't Dalek, yet their confusion when they are free.  Whenever the Daleks show up in a season, that is usually my favorite episode.  They aren't elegant, they are singularly driven and sometimes they are humorous like when they serve tea in World War II.  The first episode of season 7, "Asylum of the Daleks," was my favorite because it made me cry.  You can see it here.  That episode had so much to do with a fractured mind that I could relate to it.

As for the Doctor, he is the loneliest man in the universe.  I felt that someone understood the depth of isolation that I felt.  I like 10 and 11, but I love 9 because he was so strange looking.  The Doctor, like all humans, needs someone to offset himself with.  The Doctor is better with someone, not necessarily a lover, but he needs a companion.  I need a companion and I'm not talking about a pet, I'm talking about a deeply affectionate friend.  My fear is that I will never have one again because I, like the Doctor, have lost companions.  None of them have died, but they have left.  I remember all of them.  He was my Rose Tyler in a way.  I lost him and I'm alone again.

Doctor Who is a story.  We're all stories in the end.  Maybe that's why I'm a historian, to read and write stories.  Just because the Doctor is an alien doesn't mean that he doesn't possess all the good and bad traits that humans do.  They are just shown under extreme circumstances.  Compassion is not a weakness, but a strength.  The Doctor even shows compassion to the Daleks, his worst enemy.

The Doctor helped me through this hell that was forced upon me.  It taught me that we are all important and have a part to play.  We can miss someone, but we have to carry forward.  Maybe, if we're very lucky, they will come back.  Thank you, Doctor.

Invisible

There are times that I don't think that anyone really sees me.  They look through me to the obvious.  I have a friend, who is very beautiful, but she doesn't believe that she is.  My supervisor is also beautiful, yet thinks that she is fat.  It usually bothers me because they can get anyone they want and I'm stuck here with no one.

My mother is pushing me to do online dating, but I've tried it and I really don't want to.  I've done it before and it has been disappointing.  Online dating can be deceptive and shallow, which is the condition of the human race.  Even he would tell me stories about how some of his friends got together with their partners.  I am not the exception...those extraodinary things that involve love do not happen to me.  I am not seen because I'm 27, overweight and still have acne.  I always end up being the friend or not mattering. 

Now this might be my distorted thinking, but it seems to be true.  I've only had one boyfriend and I'm pretty sure that he only stayed for as long as he did because I was his first girlfriend.  Also he had some low self esteem issues too.  I'm the person that gets thought of when something is needed.  Mostly when problems need to be solved because I am incredibly clever.  I am intensely knowledgeable with history, business and psychology, which is why people turn to me. 

I am the one that sets things up otherwise, I would just sit at home alone all the time.  I'm lonely because I am not seen.  I only appear when needed.  That makes me feel cheap and used.  Does anyone else feel unseen?  Do I even matter?  Does anyone see me as other than a brain?