Cramped Spaces and Stress

In the ongoing effort to clean/organize/unpack my apartment, we bought two shelving units and a bluray player.  The bluray was a luxury, but the truth is that I would ever be able to afford it because I will be broke forever.  I will probably have to get a second part time job, but I really only want to work 2 days a week.  Hopefully, the shelving units will alleviate some of the pressure.

My mother says we're all being mean to her.  I think we're all just stressed because we brought way too much stuff into the apartment and we are not even remotely done unpacking the boxes or furnishing the place.  While my place is a decent sized place for the rent, with the amount of stuff and 3 people, it can feel cramped.

Yes, I was freaking out the other day because we have so much crap everywhere and I have no idea where half my stuff is.  Today, I found my Givenchy lipstick in a bag.  I still can't find my salt and pepper shakers and somehow I have 4 irons.  I will repeat that.  I have 4 irons.  I will be getting rid of at least 1 of them because I have a petite iron for hems and seams.  It's way too much stuff for an apartment.  However, both bedrooms are larger than my tiny bedroom at the old house. 

I am still not sleeping well.  It's getting better, but I still wake up at 5 am.  I'm taking Monday off to rest because I need to.  My job is a bit stressful, but summer is coming and it will be less hectic.  I need to figure out why my sleep is so bad.  I will try to get another pillow to test out and see if that makes any difference.  The decreased sleep is affecting me big time now.  Also some bugs have gotten in and they wake me up.  Stupid bugs. 

When I'm tired, I'm clumsy and forgetful.  I leave my keys and spill things.  I spilt hot chocolate on myself today, which burned my legs.  I also know that the stress brought on from lack of sleep is making my hair gross.  I also feet huge from the weight gain and since I'm still working on unpacking, I haven't had enough time to work out.

My mom is sulking in her room because she doesn't understand that it's still cramped and stressful trying to set a place up.  She also said that we didn't get her a milkshake because we weren't thinking about her.  The truth is, we would not have enough room to bring the shelving home because we have so much crap for a tag sale we are having on Saturday.  It's not that we're being mean, we are all just tired and have so much left to do.

I wish it was easier to set things up and that we were minimalists, but that has never been true.  I mean I have a ridiculous amount of movies and TV series that I watch.  It will take a few more weeks at least to get rid of all the boxes, which contains the dust from the old house, which we are allergic to.  Eventually things will settle down and it will be calmer.

For now though, I think I will try to relax and rest a bit.  My feet and brain are not happy at all.

I'm Sorry

This is just how I feel a lot of the time.  I'm not ready to let go especially since I can see that he isn't well.  There is nothing I can do, but wait and watch.  You can't convince someone to get help.  He is really good at giving advice, but he's not good at effectively helping himself. 

Caring is not an advantage.  Most of all what I'm sorry about is that the situation that caused us to break apart was ridiculous and was neither of our faults.  Narrow-mindedness of a previous generation mixed with perceived favoritism.  It was completely stupid.

I miss him everyday.  Not all day everyday, but at least once a day.  The worst time is around 10 pm because that's when the loneliness sets in.  I've always been lonely, even when he was there, but it's exploded since he's been gone.

Things always change and I hope that he can get better.  He has been and always shall be my friend even if he doesn't want anything to do with me.  Just remember than things always change and sometimes, on very special occasions, they get better.

You Were Right About Everything, But One

I will probably never get to tell you any of this because you are in one of your moods and are ignoring my very existence.  However you were right about so many things, almost everything, in fact, except for one.  You told me once that when a friend leaves either by death or differences the other friends move on.  That made it seem that friendships were not important or not as important as a spouse/partner/lover.  That is where you were wrong; friendships matter because people need people outside of their family to listen and when people walk out of your life, you still remember them and in turn miss them.

For me, friends were always the most important to me because I was a lonely child.  I invented my own friends.  In a way, I feel even lonelier as an adult.  Yes, I have friends, but a lot of them live far away.  Also we rely on texts to communicate.  Sometimes being able to talk to someone everyday that you are not related to, but have things in common with is extremely beneficial.  Maybe I'm different from everyone else when it comes to relationships.  All relationships require work and most people are lazy.  Also most of the human race doesn't know how to communicate properly to solve problems.  We let emotions get in the way or we make a decision that does not involve the other person,  With either of these pain is the only outcome.

As for missing a friend, I always remember and miss everyone that leaves.  I don't always remember how things end, but I remember how they began.  I remember all the good from those relationships.  Sometimes people come back and I hope one day you do.  I remember all the things I did to help keep you calm.  I had never dealt with anyone elses' illness, but my own.  You changed me for the better and I miss the possibility of a friendship and a journey together.  Right now that is not possible.  I found other solutions and you did not.  I can't convince you of any of this.

I miss you and all the other friends that have left.  It may take years to repair the damage that was done and it was not my fault nor was it yours.  I go on, but I look behind.  I created Pile of Good Things for you and me.  To help prevent what happened to us.  Mental illness needs support and those that suffer need compassion and companionship.

You were right in your opinion of me and your belief, but you were wrong thinking that your abandonment would make me move on.  We all move forward, but I remember everyone including you.  I will still be here if you ever need me.

The Worst Thing

One of the worst things for me, because I am very giving, is that when I ask for help, I get no reply.  Part of it is because I have friends that live far away and also part of it is figuring out a schedule in order to see people.  I wish that I had friends that I saw regularly.  It seems that lots of people have weekly get togethers with their friends, but I don't.

I think I do a lot for other people especially when they are in need.  I have helped several people through their serious bouts of depression, but very few are prepared or want to help with mine.  The worst part of mine is that it will take years to recover from.  What was done to me last year left some permanent damage.  I used to have a low grade depression, which I could deal with, but Doomsday kicked it into high gear because my company decided to get involved in my life, which made me lose the best support I'd ever had.  I don't think that I will ever be that connected with someone again.

It seems like my support is dwindling as I write this.  That doesn't mean that I don't have friends, but for a society supposedly so connected, we breed a lot of loneliness.  There is a way that social media is isolating us.  I know everything that is going on in a person's life and never have to speak to them.
I miss seeing people and having fun with them.

The best thing you can do for someone who is depressed is to take them out.  Even if they don't go far, it is more beneficial than leaving them alone in their dark room.  Even a 15 minute walk can help.  People need people and unfortunately, it seems that many believe that once they have a significant other they don't need anyone else.  This isn't true even people in relationships can feel lonely. 

I have gone the extra mile for many people and most of those people don't do anywhere near as much as what I do for them.  I'll stay up with you and make phone calls for you when you have a nightmare thinking this person has died, but when I need you, you leave.  I listen to you about how horrible your program is going, but when I need someone to talk to, you aren't available.  It's just not worth caring about people it seems.

I just want a friend to spend time with.  I want a person that I can feel connected with and close to.  I know that it's difficult to be around me when I'm depressed.  I can be cheered up for a bit.  It's easier to chase the demons away when there is someone else there with you.

Unpacking

I still haven't finished unpacking my apartment.  There are boxes everywhere and it's a very slow process.  The worst part is that I sold some furniture that I could have used.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

Another reason why it's going slowly is because I am so tired.  I am still not sleeping well in my new place.  I have no idea why.  Right now, I wish that I had one thing that was going well for me.  Work is work.  Friends keep wandering in and out.  Then I'm just lonely.  It's almost as if nothing can shatter that prison.  I try as much as possible to be around people, but everyone is so busy.

It also hurts going through things and seeing objects that were given to me, which just makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I only have one thing that reminds me of him, but I will never get rid of it.  Most of my friends get me things like lotion or perfume, so eventually they will go away, but the things that stay are a part of your life and are difficult to get rid of.

Letting go is not my specialty.  I am stubborn and there are things that I don't need but I can't seem to give up some things.  I still have my baby blankets and some pictures from then.  I will probably not display them, but they will just sit in a closet.  I think that's what closets are for really.

I need some time off to rest, but that won't happen until my apartment is put together.  That may take another month.  It's harder to get motivated when you have anxiety and depression.  Moving messes everyone up, but for me it seems worse because we didn't downsize as much as we could have and we are getting rid of things now.  I don't need to buy anything until there is nothing left.  The only exception is a bookcase.  I really do need that.

Sometimes it doesn't seem real like my entire life is a dream.  I should return to normal after the apartment is set up and I am sleeping decently.  Derealization is a symptom of anxiety.  My mother thinks that I am making it up or am using it as an excuse, but it is a paralyzing medical condition.  The worst part is that I can't convince her that I am trying.  If things were more organized then it would be a lot easier for me.

I'm hoping that my apartment will be set up sooner rather than later.

The One Up Game

I've found sometimes that there are a lot of misconceptions about depression and anxiety.  I think it's worse when you are talking to someone else who also is depressed because the one up game comes into play.  That game is when you try to comfort someone by saying that their life is great and that the depression will pass because your life is so much worse.

Depression can affect anyone for no reason at all.  It's like cancer in that way because anyone can get it.  Some people are more prone to it, but it creeps up on you.  However it's more than being sad or having a temporary problem.  It is a medical condition and at times can be very serious especially if it is not treated.

Everyone has problems and it's not that one person's life is worse than anyone else's.  Pain is pain and we just get better at managing it.  I don't think mine will ever go away completely.  Yes, today was hard because he didn't even look at me.  He joked with everyone else, but never acknowledged me.  I used to be some one's friend.  Through no fault of my own, I lost that friend.  The world never really understood me and part of that is because the general population doesn't understand depression.

Don't play the one up game with someone who is depressed because it doesn't help them.  Basically just sit with them, listen and tell them that they don't suck because that is the illness making them believe that they are worthless.  We all need to feel better.

A Day at the Races

Yesterday, I went to Dover, DE to see a NASCAR Sprint Cup race.  I went because my dad wanted to go to a race before he moved out of the country.  It was a lot of fun to actually be at a race.  It's easier to see it on TV and a lot less noisy, but there is something about being a sporting event, which is more memorable.

We got up super early to meet my dad's friend who was driving us.  I am not a morning person at all.  If I could, I'd sleep till 11 and work from noon to 8 pm.  I slept in the car though.  We drove down in a sports car and had that top down for part of the time.  I think I got windburn from my hair hitting my face.  It was about a 4 hour drive down there. 

It was a very fun day.  We did some shopping, eating and cheering for the drivers.  My dad got me a Dale Jr. visor and sparkly lanyard.  I bought him some beer and part of dinner.  He was trying to make it so I didn't spend all my money.  I also took a picture with my dad in front of the Jr. merchandise truck. 

The race was very loud and very exciting.  I didn't bring ear plugs nor did I want to buy any while I was there.  My hearing has fully recovered.  There were 2 red flags for debris and my dad's most hated driver wrecked.  That driver is very arrogant, so I can't say that I feel bad about it.

I had a corn dog for lunch, which made me happy.  I love corn dogs and I don't have them too often because I'm trying to cut down on meat.  It was just a day to go off my diet and celebrate.  My dad is most likely working on Father's Day, so this was like Father's Day for us.

I'm glad that I went to a race with my dad.  I think this will be the only one that we get to go to because he is moving in September.  Also the tickets were a bit expensive, but it was worth it.  Even the ridiculous amount of sunburn that I got.

I got some good pictures because I was by the start finish line.  It was really cool to see the flags and be so close to the cars.  I was in row 37, but I could see everything.  It was a great experience and something that I will never forget.