Unpacking

I still haven't finished unpacking my apartment.  There are boxes everywhere and it's a very slow process.  The worst part is that I sold some furniture that I could have used.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

Another reason why it's going slowly is because I am so tired.  I am still not sleeping well in my new place.  I have no idea why.  Right now, I wish that I had one thing that was going well for me.  Work is work.  Friends keep wandering in and out.  Then I'm just lonely.  It's almost as if nothing can shatter that prison.  I try as much as possible to be around people, but everyone is so busy.

It also hurts going through things and seeing objects that were given to me, which just makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I only have one thing that reminds me of him, but I will never get rid of it.  Most of my friends get me things like lotion or perfume, so eventually they will go away, but the things that stay are a part of your life and are difficult to get rid of.

Letting go is not my specialty.  I am stubborn and there are things that I don't need but I can't seem to give up some things.  I still have my baby blankets and some pictures from then.  I will probably not display them, but they will just sit in a closet.  I think that's what closets are for really.

I need some time off to rest, but that won't happen until my apartment is put together.  That may take another month.  It's harder to get motivated when you have anxiety and depression.  Moving messes everyone up, but for me it seems worse because we didn't downsize as much as we could have and we are getting rid of things now.  I don't need to buy anything until there is nothing left.  The only exception is a bookcase.  I really do need that.

Sometimes it doesn't seem real like my entire life is a dream.  I should return to normal after the apartment is set up and I am sleeping decently.  Derealization is a symptom of anxiety.  My mother thinks that I am making it up or am using it as an excuse, but it is a paralyzing medical condition.  The worst part is that I can't convince her that I am trying.  If things were more organized then it would be a lot easier for me.

I'm hoping that my apartment will be set up sooner rather than later.