10 Months

Today marks 10 months since I last cut, however, I had a bad craving today and almost relapsed.  This time of year is always hard for me.  It's post birthday and Christmas blues.  I tried to have a holiday party and no one can make it.  It makes me feel not important at all.  Maybe I am too different from everyone else because I believe that spending time with friends is important. 

I'm at that age where everyone has a significant other and possibly a child.  I am not nor have I ever been a baby person.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another living person.  I would fail at being a mother.  I'm trying to recover, but it's difficult without a social component.  I spend most of my time at work and then there are scheduling conflicts with everyone else.

My mother signed me up for J date and I met up with one guy.  He was OK. He is someone that I can be friends with, but probably nothing more.  I don't love myself, so how can I love anyone else?   I believe in love, but I have such a hatred for my physical appearance at the moment, that it's difficult to focus on anything else.  I sometimes just want to tear my skin off and start over.  Part of that is my thyroid part of it is not being comfortable with myself.

I know that getting back to exercising is helping a great deal, I still have a long way to go.  10 months is a great accomplishment.  I hope I can keep going and do my one day campaign in March.  While I am better at coping, sometimes I just have bad days.

I hope that things will improve with a new year.  I hope that I get a promotion and that I can get my friend truly back.  I'm hoping that my body doesn't derail again and I get back to a healthier weight.  Maybe I can transform again into something new, something good.

Right now, I'm here and I have to keep going.

Year End Review

I write because I have no one else to talk to.  I have been thinking about all the crazy things that had happened this year.  From everyone that I have spoken to, 2013 was a terrible year.  However, I had achieved something that I believe was completely impossible.   Maybe that feeling was impossible, but I'm still here and I have work to do.

After the incident, I had fell apart.  I let the depression that was already brewing take hold.  It was a good 4 months to think clear enough again to be able to fight what happened.  I don't remember the entire month of March, which is probably a good thing.  I finally gathered up the courage by June to say enough and filed a formal complaint because of what happened.  It would out in the end for me because the instigator was forced to leave, HR is now afraid of me because they know I will use my voice and somethings are healing.

I got up off the floor and started moving forward.  I came up with a wellness plan, which I try my best to keep to.  It doesn't always happen, but it's a guide in trying to get to a good place.  Due to my thyroid acting up in November, a lot of it got put on hold.  I'm working back up to exercising everyday, which will help me read at least 3 books a month.  I always tend to to slack off when it comes to cooking once a week. 

The one thing that happened was that I got him back.  He left in June and I got him back in September.  I would never underestimate a well written letter and the fact that caring never changed.  Maybe it hurt too much or maybe I needed to be independent for once, but he still believed in me.  I am starting a nonprofit in order to help other people with mental illnesses deal with their jobs and employers to help their employees.  Communication and education are the keys to this new enterprise.  I couldn't have done most of it without him.

I went through hell this year, but I am starting to heal.  I hope 2014 will be a fantastic year full of progress.  February will have a new long term goals list.  The best part is that out of the 17 items, I completed at least 10.  Maybe I'll get at least 2 more done.  The rest of them will carry over.  I am looking forward to what I can accomplish in 2014.  There are a lot of things that can be done and I have the time.

You Don't Need to Say It

Today something amazing happened.  Something that I never ever expected.  It was something that I never really realized that I even understood.   However it was something that I needed to see, to hear and to understand.

I have been working on Pile of Good Things recently because I really want to get it started.  It's a needed service, which will have many customers it seems.  I decided to write a synopsis of what I would be doing for the nonprofit, which you can see here:

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.   The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” (Vincent and the Doctor, Doctor Who).  This is where we got our name and the basis of our philosophy:  Everyone should add to a pile of good things.

                What Pile of Good Things will do is educate employers on the signs and preventions of mental illness through classes that will be offered through us.  We will do this through PowerPoint, brochures and seminars aimed at Human Resources, Managers and Supervisors.  The idea behind this is to reduce productivity loss from the side effects of depression, anxiety, learning difficulties and bipolar disorder.  While we do not advocate for employers to become counselors, we wish them to be cognizant in order to create a positive working environment for all including those that suffer from mental health conditions.

                We will also assist employees who suffer from mental health conditions with what to disclose to their employers, what considerations they need and where to turn to if they feel they have been discriminated against.  This will be achieved through e-mail communication, a confidential phone line and information on our website. 

Campaigns for awareness and support will also be planned throughout the year.  The highlights include bullying prevention in the workplace and Good Things Month, which is an employee appreciation campaign.

This is a basis of what Pile of Good Things will be about.  There is a huge stigma in the United States in regards to mental health conditions, which affects the work place for most Americans.  We believe that through education and communication the stigma of mental illness will end.  That is the purpose of Pile of Good Things, for employers to add to their employees’ pile of good things.  Life is a pile of good things and bad things, while everyone should try to add to the pile of good things. 

Decision Time

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I have time to do some thinking.  I have been working on my next campaign, which starts in a week.  I have found 3 of things for the Good Things campaign.  I am trying to keep them inexpensive.

I have a little gift for my best friend, which will be the first thing to do.  Then I am going to put in a recommendation at work for employee recognition.  Then I have a card for someone to say that they will always be awesome to me.  Now I just have to find some more things to do to add to people's piles of good things.

Anyone have any ideas?  Some may be random, but some should be purposeful.  If you participate let me know some things that you are doing.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just have to write because the hollowness is too difficult to take.  I've had some good moments and some bad moments and yet I'm hollow.  I don't think I'm good enough to get a promotion because I'm not totally good with people.  I don't know how to connect.  I connected with very few in general, but it takes a long time for me to get to close to new people, if it happens at all.

I am not the easy going innocent person I was.  When I was younger people feared me with good reason.  I have a soft middle, but could project a toughness and a strength that no one could touch.  I connected to a very wonderful person who was like me...different.  I'm not an average human being.

I have a high amount of ESP and am extremely intelligent.  I've doubted both with devastating consequences.  I still wish that I lived in a world that left me unscathed, but now I'm someone else.  A shadow of what I was.  I'm more of a ghost. 

I am trying to live a normal life, but if I'm not an average human, how can I live a normal life?  I try to cope the best that I can.  I still believe in the power of hope, but healing takes time.  I don't think that I am meant to get married and have a family.  I have something bigger to do.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another person.  I mean I've put off my dental surgery for months because I didn't want to deal with it.  Now my mouth hurts at least once a week.

I just need support of friends.  I need someone to say that it's ok to be sad and that it's ok to miss a friend that I was connected to.  I don't want to hear that one day my feelings will change or that time will heal the pain.  I just want someone to tell me that it's ok to feel the loss and that if I want that friend back, that I can achieve it.  He still believes that I can do anything, if I put the effort into it.  Pile of Good Things is being worked on.  ___ Makes Life Better was achieved.  I also wrote down ideas for a museum proposal.

I am incredibly strong.  I'm still here, but I miss who I was.  I have to figure out who I am now.

Not Complete

I had a date today with someone from Jdate.  I only joined Jdate because my mother was going to pay for 6 months.  After what I went through this year, I don't really want a boyfriend.  I need time to fix myself and possibly learn to love myself.  Without that, I am not complete and would not be able to care for anyone else.

The date itself was ok.  We went to an aquarium, which I love.  The local one is not my favorite because it only focuses on the area in which we live, but it has sharks.  It also has a shark touch tank.  I spent a few minutes petting the nurse sharks.  They are very docile creatures, who lay in a pile on the ocean floor.  They rarely moved in the few hours I was there.  That was my favorite part of my visit.

We had some lunch and a bit of conversation.  We have basic common interests, but when you start to break those down, it just doesn't seem the same.  I am someone who is on the fringe.  I like one thing in a certain genre a lot, but don't branch out from there.  Like with Doctor Who, you either are in love with it or just don't get it.  I'm like that with many things.

He seems nice and wasn't bad looking, but I feel that he would make a good friend.  I don't know if I can commit to anyone else because I'm not complete.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to get comfortable with myself, so it's difficult to talk about myself, when I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

I hope that one day I will want a partner, but for now, I'm looking for a friend.  Maybe another companion, but mostly all I need are friends.

Fabulous Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th birthday.  I made it.  I didn't join the 27 club!  That's an accomplishment because this year was really dicey to say the least.  Things really are starting to look up, which is such a relief.

I woke up yesterday to my mom singing Happy Birthday.  My mom can't sing, but it was sweet.  She also gave me a card with a margarita recipe, which was gorgeous.  Then I got all my stuff ready for work where we were going to have our Christmas luncheon.  I am overgenerous and bought gifts for everyone, not just my secret Santa. 

When I got to work, my supervisor gave me a beautiful, warm winter scarf.  I was very happy about it because I love scarves.  It was very sweet of her to get that for me.  Work was a bit busy, but that's OK as it makes the day go by.We got a ton of food from one of our favorite restaurants in the area, so we stuffed ourselves full of Italian food.  I got a surprise birthday cake too.  As for the gifts, I got a bottle of Jack Daniels from my supervisor and a journal with bubble bath from my secret Santa. 

There were a few surprised along the way.  The first was that he e-mailed me to wish me a happy birthday, which means he still cares.  That made me happy because I wanted a sign that he didn't hate me, so I had a birthday wish come true.  I also had the head of HR send me a birthday e-mail, which I found strange as she never e-mails anyone and she never e-mails tellers.  So, I said thank you because I didn't know what else to do.  My supervisor also got a promotion to assistant manager.  It was a brilliant day at work.

I then had my birthday party at my favorite bar because it was trivia night.  I had a lovely steak which was free because I'm on their e-mail club.  The food was fantastic.  We then played trivia where we came in second because one of the rounds was about identifying Simpson's characters.  So we won $25 off our tab.  It was awesome.  I got some great gifts too including a Dalek.  So I got my second birthday wish.

It was a great day overall, which made me happy.  I didn't think that I could feel that much happiness again.  Things are moving forward.  Onwards and upwards.