Remembering

Sometimes I have flashes of memories, some are good, some are bad.  It's a retrospect of my young life and it isn't very nice.  It's mostly filled with feelings of isolation and loneliness because I never quite fit in anywhere.  The closest I felt to belonging was every time I was in London and only London has that special claim on my heart.  That was the good time, London.

I was remembering how happy I was that he and I became friends.  I was remembering the one moment that I felt complete.  It was September 15, 2012.  He was the only one that believed that I could make my crack pot dream of having a museum to Freddie Mercury a reality.  It was nice having someone that believed in the impossible insanities in my head.  I miss that.

The thing about that relationship that makes me sad is that he believed everyone else about my feelings except for me.  I'm far more complex than anyone I know.  Love for me does not mean romantic love.  I haven't been in love with anyone, not really, but it seems even he thinks that I was. I've mistaken a feeling of love for being in love, but the truth is that I don't understand the concept of romantic love.  It's a feeling that eludes me.  I lost a really good friend, not because of work, but because of our lack of communication to fix the problems without using extremes.  Now it's probably too broken to be fixed.

Memories can hurt.  I was never popular, I was smart and awkward.  I never really kept friends for a long time, there are a few exceptions, but other than that I never felt comfortable anywhere.  Like most of my age group, I am struggling financially under student loan debt.  I am paying it down, but I can't afford to be on my own.  I cannot get  back to London, the only place that I felt like I belonged.

I felt like he was always meant to be there. As much as my job played a role in my current depression, the loss of my friend was far more detrimental.  Combine that without having London and you have what I am today.  Still fighting for my life, for a happiness that may never come.  I am the loneliest person in any room and I remember every companion of mine that leaves.

I remember everyone that leaves.

6 Months

Today is my 6 months.  I haven't cut in 6 months, which is something to be proud of, I suppose.  I guess it means that I am stronger, but the emptiness is still there.  I don't get as many cravings as I used to, but I still want it when I am very sad or stressed out or angry.  Now I do other things instead.

I had a rule on my wellness plan to do the 15 minute rule, which means when I have a craving, I do something else for 15 minutes and if I still need to, then I can.  Since starting the 15 minute rule, I haven't needed to.  I either call someone, or write, or listen to music.  Usually calling someone doesn't work as well because it's not him.  I call Jamiyl, which helps too because he's the only person that I am comfortable with crying.  I don't cry pretty either so if I can, I don't cry in public.  The truth is that he's gone.

The cutting doesn't love me, but it gave me what I needed, which was the endorphins.  I still have some scars from it that are barely noticeable now.  I do things that make me feel pretty like the photo campaign, which I enjoyed doing and I hoped people liked it.  I wear perfume and use lotions to minimize the appearance and in time they will disappear. 

I want to have some tattoos under the scars to always remind me that I survived.  I have a tattoo from Doctor Who, Sherlock and Queen.  The three things that I love to combat the destruction.  I plan to write about how the Doctor changed my life.  I wrote about how Freddie has. 

To celebrate 6 months, I am going out to see a movie.  I will now post my last picture of my campaign.

Lurking

The main problem with depression is that it never really goes away.  It's always there, lurking in the recess of your mind, just waiting.  It waits for that one moment when you're vulnerable, so that it can take you down.  The flip side to that is that the illness is unpredictable yet dependable.  It convinces you that only the depression loves you and that you may have to die for it because nothing and no one else in the world does.

Depression like addiction lies to you, which is why it's so seductive.  It's an illusion of love, which most of us so desperately desire.  Depression is always there lurking in the shadows, calling to you from time to time, waiting to take you in its poison arms.

I guess I'm thinking this way because I was remembering the one moment that I felt complete.  The moment that made me believe that there was a force stronger than my illness.  That moment is gone now and may never come back again because it's too late now.

You might be asking what that force was.  It might have been love, not romantic love, but friendship love.  The point of it was that I could feel something good again.  Something other than anger, other than sadness, other than insanity.  I felt that with that person, I was safe, maybe I could be content.  I miss that moment where love existed.  Where someone else believed in me.

The depression is still there.  It's far away now, but it's still there.  It's just waiting for that one moment to take me back.  To convince me that I need it because it makes me different, but I know that it doesn't.  It makes me the worst version of myself, but I cannot always resist it.  That is my reality.  It can get better, but the depression is never really gone forever.

It Is Not An Easy Thing

I had just finished the Letters of the Earl of Rochester, which had one letter stand out.  He is mostly known for writing obscene poetry and his libertine ways, but I see him as a deeply flawed human who was just looking for something good, which he didn't seem to find.   He rarely wrote the date on the letters, so most of the dating is by guesstimation, but it made sense to me.  He wrote, "'Tis not an easy thing to be entirely happy, but to be kind is very easy indeed and that is the greatest measure of happiness."  To me, this is one of the truths of life.

As one of those that sufferers from depression for seemingly no good reason, it is not easy to be happy.  We all strive for happiness, but miscommunications and disappoints block the good. Kindness, however, is rare because we all rationalize the terrible things that we do to each other, yet being kind is easy.  It just takes practice and that can then bring you happiness. 

I got involved in More Love Letters to share positive thoughts to random people.  It's my attempt at being kind because I haven't been as I have no been happy.  The writing of letters that helps another person that will never know me, makes me smile because I might have brightened someone's day.  That brings me happiness.

The challenge: one random act of kindness.  I challenge all of you to do one thing for another person.  I write letters and leave them for people to find.  What would you do?

 Does kindness bring happiness and is that what we can measure our happiness by?  Some of the most miserable people are the kindest because they don't want others to suffer like they do.  Maybe we can learn from Rochester that kindness is easy and that we can all be part of bringing happiness by it.

Another picture of me for the campaign

Turtles

Today, something brilliant happened.  I got to rescue newly hatched baby turtles that were running around the parking lot at work.  They hatched right outside our door.  We were scooping up the little guys, putting them in a box and then transporting them to the swamp to freedom.

They were tiny but strong.  One tried to push itself off my hand several times, but it didn't drop.  Some were scared, some were bewildered and some were explorers.  Yes, they were baby snapping turtles, which means they can bite my arms in a few years, but today they were adorable little helpless animals.   I felt good about helping some not get run over by cars.

It was my good deed for the day.  It made me feel like I made a difference in the world, even for one moment.

Wellness Updates

I decided to give everyone an update on my wellness activities, which includes where I am on some of the list activities too.  I redo the list every 6 months because long term goals are too difficult to concentrate on.

For the Wellness Plan, 90% of it has become habit.  I exercise, which I'm up to 31 minutes a day, plus a rotating ab and weight routine.  I take a bath everyday and read while I'm in there.  I am up to 7 books this month.  I check in with Geof and hang out with my friends.  The only thing I'm slacking on is cooking once a week.  I just haven't had any ideas on what to much.  I guess it's time to go through cook books again and make menus.

As for the list, I started it with him, but have modified it into the current list and the wellness plan as that separates the longer things and that daily things.  I had 23 things on the list from February to August, now I have 17 list items to accomplish to February.  Some are still mundane like paying off my credit cards and having my dental surgery, but there are other fantastic things on there.  I have almost sent out all of my campaign letters, I have 5 left to either deliver or mail.  I am also working on my work certificates, which will be equivalent to a business degree.  There is one thing on there that may be impossible and it might be there for all time, however, I am not ready to share that with anyone.  While nothing on this list has been finished yet, they are all in progress of some kind.

Suffice to day, I am doing a lot better than I was when I started this blog.  I should be finished with one list item in a few weeks, the others may take until February or longer.  Mostly, life is good at the moment.

Campaign Progress

I have gotten some feedback from my campaign and I am very excited.  I have 2 people that may do guest posts for me and I had someone post something on my facebook wall about the campaign.  It's bloomed far more than I could have imagined.  We are more than our mental illnesses.  We are part of the human race.  We have thoughts, feeling and beauty like anyone else.  We fight harder than everyone else and we can win.

Join me again because this may be an annual campaign.  I urge everyone to send me photos of themselves about how they are more than their scars.  Send e-mails to zandraava@gmail.com.

Awesome

I have been feeling great recently.  Most of the pain is gone.  The only thing that really lingers is that I miss him.  I was so happy today and I wanted to tell him, then I realized that he's not there.  I got better, which is what he wanted, but he left anyway because of the rationalization the he had to protect his family.  I can understand protection, but the scandal machine moves onto someone else and it has several times over. 

I have been doing so well now on the medication.  I don't have to see my APRN for another 6 months.  I got rewarded with free samples, so that I always have back-ups.  I shared the great news with all my friends, but two are still missing.  It doesn't hurt it's just a sense of loss that they meant so much to me, but they couldn't or wouldn't stay.

I'm pretty damn amazing now that I'm back to being functional.  I hope that I can stay this way.

You Never Know

That's the phrase I always hear, "Life is precious.  You never know when it will end."  It seems like a cliche, but it's true.  You never know when your story will end.  It seems like death is always on the periphery.  Not saying that it is stalking us, but it's always there, just out of sight.

I was thinking about this a lot recently as a family friend has passed away and the boyfriend of an acquaintance in the past 24 hours.  One was slightly expected the other was not.  A few months ago when it seemed like everyone I went to school with were fading into the dark, all I could think was that it should have been me.  I suppose it wasn't my time.  The good thing is that I don't think like that anymore, but it still makes me very sad that people are hurting and missing those that they just lost.

While we're alive, we still have hope, we still have a chance to mend friendships and hurts.  Remember the good times because you really never know.

The theme of the campaign is below:

Returns

I had this great thing happen this weekend.  Someone returned to me, I guess all he really needed was time and to stop eating meat.  The point is that he changed a bit while we were apart and I think that helped. I'm happy that he's back.

The problem started where most problems start with communication issues.  Neither of us has been good at communicating.  At a party that I had, he just shut down and then left.  It was unusual and when I asked him about it, he said he was bored.  He also said that all my choices were lame.  I didn't understand why I was being so mean.  I ended up not talking to him for about 4 months.  I invited him to one of my parties and he actually turned up, which was surprising.

This weekend, we and a group of friends went to the Renaissance Faire in New York.  The night before we had a party and a sleep over.  It was just refreshing and felt like old times.  I didn't know till we were at the Faire that he was a vegetarian.  It was an interesting change.  It wasn't for health reasons or personal reasons, more just because of his job.  It was a change though, in a good way.

I'm glad he's back.  Maybe he couldn't handle me when I was a mess, which I don't blame him for.  It's not the easiest thing to see someone suffering.  Human nature makes us protect ourselves, which includes protection from emotional pain.  Sometimes we grow better apart and then come back together.  Sometimes we don't.  I'm glad that someone came back.  I learned forgiveness.  I forgive everyone that left, but still want them back.

The best part about the weekend was campaign photos.  Here they are.  If you'd like to participate, please send the pictures to zandraava@gmail.com.  I am still amazingly beautiful and you are too!

Suicide Prevention.

I tend to read entertainment news more than "real" news because what is happening in the world is so horrid sometimes that I just need a break from reality and the world of entertainers tends to provide that.  That being said, I have never watched The Bachelor.  I read last night that Gia Allemend had allegedly killed herself by hanging.  Read the story here.  The thing that gets me the most is that everyone around her thought that she was in good spirits and would never have been considered suicidal.

While doing research, I read a book called The Suicidal Mind.  One of the things that the book says that the mind generally rejects suicide and then finds another solution unless all other solutions have been rejected.  A depressed mind does not tend to see other options.  The thoughts race and make you believe that nothing will get better therefore live is not worth living.  This is simply not the case.  No problem is that insurmountable.  Sometimes it just takes patience, communication and a little bit of affection to solve the issues.

Since Gia did not leave a note that has been reported, so we may never know what she was thinking or why the decision was made to end her life.  It also took her 3 days to die as she was taken to a hospital and placed on life support.  Dying isn't easy nor is it quick.

I wrote about places to find help in an earlier blog (see it here).  This still holds true.  There is always help and always hope.  I cannot say that I don't understand wanting it all to be over.  I used my sources and I am still here today.  It hasn't always been easy, but having support is what gets me through.

The point of life is to live.  We all struggle.  We all get our hearts broken, but we can survive.  We can go from feeling like we're in a Cymbalta commercial where even the dog is depressed to looking like this:

We can smile again.  Suicide can be prevented as there are people to help.  Do not suffer in silence.  Reach out, find help and come back to the sun.  Gia seemed to have it all, but something was lacking inside of her.  I know that feeling all to well and now her family and friends have to go one without her.  Problems are temporary, death is forever.  Stay safe, my friends.

PS.  I'll let you in on a secret.  Suicidal people want to desperately be saved even up until the last second when the soul vacates their bodies.  They don't really want to die, they just don't see any other option.

Inspiration

I think we all suffer from self-doubt in some form.  My experience with depression makes this doubt worse.  Depressed people invalidate themselves.  They believe that they do not matter to anyone and are worthless.  Even to this day, I don't think I matter as much to others as they do to me. That is where the story of today begins.

I have been a bit down over the last few days because my campaign hasn't been doing well and hardly anyone comes to my parties anymore.  I used to have an average of 10 people at my parties, now I get an average of 4.  I know that people are busy and life circumstances change, but it makes me feel like I am no longer valued.  Part of me knows that that isn't true, but the parties used to make me happy.  I had fun at them and now there is not much left to them.

This morning I logged on Facebook and saw this posted on my wall from Geof:

That's something that I've always wanted.  The above was the point of my writing.  I really want to inspire someone...anyone.  I write this blog, I write the love letters and I try to provide forums (parties) so people don't feel lonely. 

I hope that my campaign inspires someone to be crazy and do something that makes them feel good.  I will now show you the skirt that inspired the I Am Not My Scars campaign.  I hope you all find something that will touch another person.

Scarring

One thing that a lot of cutters think about is scar minimization.  I have some products that I have found to work rather well and they are going to be shared here.  I will list the company and a ball park price for the products.  It's also a good tie in with my campaign.

The most effective cream I've used is a product called snail cream.  The brand name is Encina and yes, it has snail enzymes in it.  It's the fastest at reducing scars permanently.  I used to have some bad scars on my arm and now they are virtually gone.  I used it twice a day on the area and it was virtually gone in about 5 weeks.  My best friend's husband also used it on his awful scaring and they are also barely visible.  The cost is about $25 for a small jar, but it lasts about 2- 3 months.

The second thing that I love is L'occitane's Almond Tonic Body Oil.  One word about almonds is that they are high in vitamin E and that vitamin is very healing making it a great scar reducer.  It is helping reduce the scars on my legs and smells amazing.  You can get it on amazon for $38.  L'occitane doesn't have it in the store anymore, unfortunately, but they do have a variety of other almond products that are good to try.

The third one is a facial cleanser from Lush called Angels on Bare Skin.  It has ground almond meal, lavender and kaolin clay.  It's designed as a facial cleanser for dry skin, but the ground almond meal is a great scar reducer.  The only down side to this product is that it's messy and takes longer to reduce scars than the previous 2.  I did enjoy the feel of it because it was such a gentle exfoliator.  It's about $13 for a decent amount of this product and you can get any amount you want.  It does take a really long time to minimize the scars though.

I have tried both coco and shea butter in various forms and they don't work as well on me as the almonds or snail cream.  They aren't cheap, but they can help minimize the outer appearance of shame.  One day we can be happy again.

Waves

I get hit by waves of sadness sometimes.  It's usually after I have a great day and then it's back to normal life.  Is my normal mode sad?  Maybe I'm not cut out for a normal life.  My mother is trying to push me to use jdate, but I can't cope with myself.  I don't want a boyfriend.  I want a deep affectionate friendship.  I only ever wanted a friend.

When I'm good, I am this amazing, vibrant, sarcastic person.  I am a very loyal friend even though I feel like almost no one is as loyal to me aside from 3 friends.  I am trying to fix the pain because by helping others, I help myself.  I still miss my friend.  I would talk to him all the time.  He was like the Doctor in a way.  He was mad, unpredictable and funny.  I adored him.  I am getting used to life without him, but it was like it was before: lonely.

I changed and have come back to being  confident and semi-healthy.  Part of me wishes that he could see it, but I know that without him none of it would have happened.  If there wasn't the incident I would have the depression in the background forever.

Now for a picture.  This is me just having a good time.

Photo Shoot

Today I did a photo shoot with my best friend, Brianna, as the photographer.  I had a lot of fun wearing different outfits and posing.  It has built my self-confidence up, which was the point of the campaign.  There will be many more pictures.  If you want to participate, please e-mail pictures to zandraava@gmail.com.

We only have a limited amount of time and we should be the best that we can be.  I know that it isn't easy at all, especially fighting the darkness the envelops us all.  I did this for me and I hope that you enjoy them and find inspiration in them because I am not my scars.  You are not your scars or your depression or your bipolar disorder or your anxiety or your victimhood.  You are rare.  You are yourself and you are beautiful.

Dalek Day

I know that I'm a loser and am a whovian, but today is Dalek Day on the internet.  True, Daleks maybe genocidal maniacs, but they are still vulnerable.  They have fans and I am one of them.  Exterminate!

Since this blog is about overcoming madness, I would like the above Dalek because it would end my unhappiness.

Body Image Issues

Depression and anxiety are fueled by low self esteem.  Then it becomes a vicious cycle as poor self esteem is then caused by depression and we cannot escape it.  Maybe it's all in our heads or our blood streams or in our perceived deficits with others.  This week I have been having esteem issues related to my body.

I know that my month long campaign is supposed to build self esteem and confidence, but I got punched with a bout of acne, which makes me feel ugly.  I then start nit picking my body.  I have an hour glass figure, which I like, but it makes clothes difficult to find.  I mean the only part of my body that I actually like are my boobs.  The rest of my body not so much.

I did this campaign to regain some confidence in my personal appearance.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm stunning because of my large eyes, but other times, I only see a misplaced hair or a scar. I don't then see the rest of the things that make me attractive.

One of my illnesses, Hashimotos Thyroiditis has a hand in everything that I suffer from.  I'm more prone to depression and weight gain, which makes self esteem difficult.  It also makes my hair fall out and causes me to have more body hair than I want to admit.  It makes my nails brittle and my skin messy. 

I want to feel good about myself again.  I want others to feel good about themselves.  I know from living abroad that Americans are more ashamed of their bodies than any other nation.  We're told to hide out curves, but I like mine.  I want to learn to appreciate my body.

This Is Me

This is me.  I am ordinary in this way.  I am not a drop dead gorgeous beauty who stops people in their tracks.  Physically, I'm average.  I'm overweight, have pimples and plain brown hair.  My eyebrows are never right and my jaw is crooked.

I have always compared myself to others as I'm sure we all do at some point.  I work with some very attractive people to the point where I am not seen.  I'm just the smart girl that can do your homework, but I'm not the girl you want to hold hands with. 

This is me.  Just an average girl who holds more than the eye can see. 

Pictures are of me without makeup on a typical Sunday.

Coping

Not everyday is a great day because the sadness lingers in a way that cannot be described.  The madness is always there hiding in the shadows.  It's seductive, but the trick is to try to fight it with coping strategies.  These are good healthy outlets that can be used to combat the pain, the sadness, the insanity that creeps in the darkness.

My favorite one is using sensations like vision, which means that making something beautiful whether it be a flower or taking a walk in a nice place.  I use the other 4 senses too.  I listen to music, smell some of my luxurious perfumes, eat cheese and take a bubble bath.  Using sensations is a distraction and it helps to clear the mind.

It also clears disappointments.  I am slightly disappointed with my photo campaign because it doesn't get viewed as much as my other posts and some friends that said they would participate so far have not.  I will still continue it, but the excitement has gone out of it.

Disappointment and loneliness are the two hardest things to cope with, so I will use my vision and watch shark week because sharks are magnificent.

Mermaid

So, continuing the campaign.  I did a mini photo shoot in the Denny's Parking lot with my best friend, Brianna on the camera.  I am wearing one of the skirts that inspired the campaign, which I call my mermaid skirt.  I am also wearing gloves, which I used to use to hide the scars on my arms.  Now, I use the gloves as a fashion accessory and as a reminder of strength.

I have never liked my arms, which is why I used to hide them, but the gloves can enhance their beauty. 

The sheerness accentuates the legs and can show off curves in a way that is comfortable

Reaching towards the future.

You too can participate in the campaign.  Leave a comment or send an e-mail and picture to Zandraava@gmail.com

We are not our scars!

I Am Not My Scars

Welcome to the self-esteem building campaign called: I Am Not My Scars.

The purpose of this campaign is to build self esteem as many cutters are embarrassed by their scars and try to cover them up long after they are healed.  The scars are a remnant from battle that we shouldn't be ashamed of.  What we went through was real and it was painful, but we survived.  We are beautiful.

This was the first time I wore a short skirt in years.  This was taken over a year ago, so there will be more to come.  If you want to participate please send pics to zandraava@gmail.com