Lurking

The main problem with depression is that it never really goes away.  It's always there, lurking in the recess of your mind, just waiting.  It waits for that one moment when you're vulnerable, so that it can take you down.  The flip side to that is that the illness is unpredictable yet dependable.  It convinces you that only the depression loves you and that you may have to die for it because nothing and no one else in the world does.

Depression like addiction lies to you, which is why it's so seductive.  It's an illusion of love, which most of us so desperately desire.  Depression is always there lurking in the shadows, calling to you from time to time, waiting to take you in its poison arms.

I guess I'm thinking this way because I was remembering the one moment that I felt complete.  The moment that made me believe that there was a force stronger than my illness.  That moment is gone now and may never come back again because it's too late now.

You might be asking what that force was.  It might have been love, not romantic love, but friendship love.  The point of it was that I could feel something good again.  Something other than anger, other than sadness, other than insanity.  I felt that with that person, I was safe, maybe I could be content.  I miss that moment where love existed.  Where someone else believed in me.

The depression is still there.  It's far away now, but it's still there.  It's just waiting for that one moment to take me back.  To convince me that I need it because it makes me different, but I know that it doesn't.  It makes me the worst version of myself, but I cannot always resist it.  That is my reality.  It can get better, but the depression is never really gone forever.