Hope

Apparently that is what I am guided by.  I can't disagree with it because I know that even in the blackest night that there is hope.  Evil cannot last forever.  The fact that my personal hell is over is at least proof of that. 

I know that the depression can always come back.  I have better coping tools now such as this blog, but I know that it can come back.  Am I back to the way I was before Doomsday?  Not quite, but one day I can be.  I've learned a lot while working at the bank.  The first is that most people haven't personally encountered someone like me.  At least they hadn't there.  They thought depression would last a few weeks at most.  For the lucky ones it does.  Not so for me.  Mine lasted 18 months to varying degrees.  It lifted the day I got fired because it was my job that was causing the depression for the most part.

I know that there will always be discrimination while ignorance is the way of the world.  I bring hope through education.  The worst part of what I have to do going forward is hide what I am for a time.  I am going to try to be light, which is not what I am really.  I just don't think that I can open myself up to someone like I did with him because work got involved.  I have scars to demonstrate the damaged that it caused.  Luckily, the scars are faint so only I can see them.

The last act in the horrendous chapter that was banking with be over on Wednesday with the unemployment appeal.  Until then, my stomach is churning.  Part of it is from putting all that mess behind me and part of it is starting my new job tomorrow and I'm excited about a new opportunity.  I think I am nomadic in that way because I like to try everything.  That may look bad to an employer, but there is so much to know.

I have hope that I will be able to live the life that I want to live.  I want to be able to be happy and express myself without being judged.  Maybe he was right when he said that I haven't found the right people.  Perhaps it's just Connecticut.  I think it might be time in a few years to wander to a new location since there won't be anything tying me here very much longer.  Even most of my friends want to move out of this infernal state with it's high costs.

Hope is what keeps me alive...keeps me moving forward.

Almost Finished

I have been working on my apartment to turn it more into a home.  I have been putting up pictures and some of my artwork.  I am almost finished with it, which is great because I start working on Tuesday.  The centerpiece of my living room will be father's seascape.   The framing done by Michael's was absolutely perfect.

It is my apartment and I love it.  I am leaving the second bedroom relatively blank for right now because I will be moving into the Master bedroom when my parents move out in September.  I have everything in a pile on the floor at the moment.  I still have to find a place for the heirloom mirror.

Some of my fans are missing.  I am going to work on my closet to figure out where they might be.  There is only so much  space in the apartment, though it is fairy large for the rent that I pay.  I am hoping to find them soon because one of the fans is from London.

I start working at CVS on Tuesday.  I am so happy to have a job that can potentially help people.  Healthcare is a field that will never go away.  I know that I may move away from Connecticut one day, but I'm not quite sure where I would like to go.  I know that every place in the world needs pharmacists because illness is not iradicated from the planet.

My apartment is finally feeling like home and it will be a bit difficult when my parents move.  I hope to get a roommate eventually so that I won't be alone in my beautiful apartment.  I know that I still have too many things, but I pared down on a lot.  I got some of my porcelain dolls on display from when I was younger.  One of them broke, but I have some amazing ones on display.  There will be no end to dusting.

I know that when my parents move out, I will be able to wear some of my awesome lingerie.  It's even better now that I have lost some of the weight.  I am working on getting down there.  It might be better when I have no money for meat.  I am going to work on exercise as well.

I'm still hoping that my hair will grow back since my nails are doing better.  My hair has always been hard since I first got sick with Hashimoto's.  I am hoping that now that the stress of a terrible job is over, then I can get healthier now.

My apartment is almost finished and I can move on with my life. 

Some Thoughts

Sometimes there are too many thoughts swirling around in my head.  That's partially why I can't fall asleep until 2 am, which needs to change.  I have 2 major events coming up next week and I'm still sketchy on the details.  I start a new job on Tuesday, but the store doesn't open until Sunday, so no one is answering the phone yet.  I also have my unemployment appeal hearing  on Wednesday, which I have to schedule with my new job.  It seems like it's a whole mess.

I was glad for the time off to regain some of my health.  I also had time to work on my apartment.  My apartment is basically set up with the exception of a few things in my closet.  I will eventually be moving into the Master Bedroom after my parents move out.  I will have to get a roommate because I cannot afford this place on my own with the amount of money I will be making.

A lot of people think that depression last only a few day or weeks at maximum.  For some unfortunate people it can last for years and the severity of it can wax and wane.  I know that mine is like that.  My major signal is that I am irritable and unfocused.  Today I was eating a ton of sugary foods because of the anxiety that I was feeling.  My depression rating is low, but my anxiety is up.  It also doesn't help that I am lonely.

I still think about him and I remember some of the things he said.  He said that I was incredibly strong.   I really am, but I feel like everyone has abandoned me.  Yes, I understand busy schedules, but we all need to learn time management and how to make time for people.  We all need someone and for me your person is not necessarily going to be your lover/partner/spouse.  I love a lot of people, but none of it is romantic love.  Yes, I still miss him.

I think Americans because of our puritan roots run on some perverse form of stress to show accomplishment.  Students have the same amount of anxiety as mental patients from the 1950's.  Maybe that's why mental illness is so high.  So much stress is killing us.  That's part of the obesity problem as well.  Society seems to be falling apart left and right. 

It's Finished

It took almost a month, but the EEOC complaint is finished.  I have gathered all my documents for both the EEOC and my unemployment appeal.  One of them is from a text book to show that my former company provided management with little training on how to manage their people.  Anyone who poses a problem is disposed of.  Many employers believe that their staff is disposable.  This is awful and yet they wonder why workers have no loyalty to a company.  Unions were invented because of this reason.  Unfortunately the unions then became powerful and the opposite happened.  I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know that we are broken.

Not all companies bury potential scandals, but this company in particular does not value its staff and does not provide a healthy and positive work environment.  I was sexually harassed by superiors and under constant surveillance.  By the way it is not ok to tell a single lady that they need a boyfriend to make them happy.  My e-mails were pulled and read through more often than any other employee.  No, I don't have proof of that, just a feeling.  I was made to feel isolated, which is detrimental for someone with my conditions. 

I'm not after money and I don't think that I will win the case , but I just want to be heard.  I want someone to believe me.  My company basically called me a liar in a letter because I complained that I was discriminated against for my religion, marital status, and disability.  They used customers who I was friendly with against me.  That is low.  Most of the things they said about me are malicious lies. I did my best despite my disability.  I greeted customers and got a lot of sales for the company. I trained mostly everyone, but it was a witch hunt because I was different and wouldn't tow the company line.  Yes, it would be easier to give up, but they shouldn't be allowed to get away unscathed. 

I believe that having employees should be a privilege.  Having employees means that the company is doing well.  Adding more people to management is not necessarily a good thing because it creates more bureaucracy.  Yes, I was naive to think that upper management would side with me against HR for discrimination, but what they did left a mark.  It's not the job I miss.  I miss my friend.  I miss him.

I am a little perturbed that the company is letting me finish the course that I was taking when I was suddenly fired.  It seems like a ploy to get me to back down or from them to claim that they are giving me some type of compensation.  Maybe he told them that I would fight them to the very end and that they wouldn't be seeing that money getting paid back ever.  They are probably spending more money on me to appeal the unemployment than they would on any other employee.

Once this is all sent off it will be out of me.  It will be over.  They can't hurt me anymore.  I wish that he would talk to me again, but he won't as long as he works for those tyrants.  The best I can do is make a success out of myself.  I can get PoGT off the ground.  I can help end the stigma and start getting people the help that they need. 2/3 of people with depression do not seek treatment, if there wasn't so much stigma then maybe that statistic will lessen. The company I worked for will be nothing more than a footnote.  He won't be, but the people there will be nothing more than a bunch of ignorant, narrow-minded nobodies who are to be pitied.

It's done though.  After next week it will be over.  I would like to say that it's David vs. Goliath, but they aren't Goliath.  They aren't even a big fish in a small pond.  They are just a school yard bully who thinks he's more important than he really is.  I do pity any good person that stays there.  It seems like all joy and light has been stamped out and replaced by paranoia and fear.  Frosty is an understatement to describe the atmosphere there since the new CEO took over last year.

I don't regret what I did.  I regret that I stayed so long.  I regret losing him.  What I can do is get better and live.  They didn't kill me and I know I'm meant for better things.

Just Wanting To Write

I've just wanted to write today since I spent most of the day lounging around reading.  Sunday is not my favorite day because there really is nothing to do.  I took a nap, but it's a little bit of overkill to take 2 naps in one day.

I read a book called A Reliable Wife where the main character Catherine tries poison her husband so that she can be rich and live with her lover who is in fact her husband's son.  It sounds more messed up than it is, but it was enjoyable.  No I won't read it again, but it was an interesting read.  I try to read at least 3 books a month and I have this month.  I hope that I can keep up that trend.

I am almost finished with my EEOC complaint. I will hopefully send it out by the end of the week.  It was degrading and awful to be at that job.  My depression rating hasn't gone above a 6 since I was fired.  I refuse to acknowledge the slander laid against me because it is so repugnant to me that as a mental health advocate that I would be accused and painted to be a danger to society.  Compassion and understanding have seemed to have disappeared from society.  The desire to understand others is also lacking.  There is a vast difference between talking tough and intent to commit a crime.  People with mental illnesses who commit violent crimes usually have a delusional component or have a sociopathic tendency.  I have neither.  I deflect intense pain by talking tough.  It is poor judgement, but I can't hurt anyone.

I am almost done with setting up my apartment.  I am finishing going through the things in my room and then getting to the closet.  I put up a lot of my pictures.  I just have the master bedroom and a downstairs wall to finish.  I really do have a lot of stuff, but it somehow all fit into this apartment.  I'm also getting rid of excess kitchen things because I had too much.  Hopefully I will sell some things at a tag sale.  I'm more interested in getting these things out of my place than making money.  I mean most of these things I got from a tag sale anyway.

I did accept a job offer at a pharmacy.  I did my drug test and I'm waiting to hear when I can start.  I'm supposed to start on Tuesday, but haven't been told what time or what store to go to. I'm starting at a new store that isn't open yet.  It's very exciting.  I would love to start a new chapter of my life where I can do things properly.  This is also a job where I can help people.  Healthcare will not be going away anytime soon.

I still miss seeing my friends.  I know as adults that we are all busy with work and families etc.  No one should forget their friends.  I will probably be a little less lonely when I start my new job.  I need to be around people otherwise I'll be in my head too much.  I will be more careful about my comfort level.  Work is a show and I will be like my beloved husband.  No one knows a lot about who Freddie really was.  Maybe his assistant knew him best, but he was enigmatic and that's what made him attractive.  I must be the same way.

Moving Forward

I took today off from job search/acceptance related stuff so that I could explore my new town.  I had a great day and bought a cookie.  I got some exercise while seeing all the charming shops that this town has.  It has sidewalks like a city, but with nice-ish people. 

I wandered into a bakery, an apothecary and several book stores.  I'm surprised that there are so many book stores.  I love books, but did not buy any because a) I have no income and b) I have too many books that I have yet to read.  One of the stores has so many twists and turns that
I would need a full day to explore it.  Though I won't need to do that until I finish reading a majority of the pile of books.

I also saw one of my former customers at this gift shop and they sell her products.  I absolutely love them.  I will never have to go to the mall again.  All I have to do is walk down the street and get all my bath supplies.  I also found a lot of gifts that I can get my friends this year at reasonable prices.  Yes, I already made my holiday list and it's a lot smaller than it has been in the past. 

I have also been working on editing the EEOC complaint.  I believe that it is almost done.  I just need to do a final read through, get all the documents printed and copied, then send it off.  It's really not that much left to do.  They are mostly the same documents that I'm going to use for the unemployment appeal.  Since it's in Waterbury, I hope that the company will not show up.  It's over $900 worth of unemployment. 

I did accept a job at a pharmacy, so I will be a cashier and a pharmacy tech trainee.  The place is about 25 minutes from my apartment, about the same as going to my former job.  I took my drug test and am waiting to hear where to report to and what time to be there.  I'm hoping to hear Monday.  After I start this job, then the bank will no longer be a part of my life.  I just pity them because I will make something of my life and they won't exist in about 10 years. 

I'll be moving forward with my life.  I'll look into law school and starting my own nonprofit.  I want to help people and do what's write.  I will take all the bad things that happened to me at the bank and create something positive out of it.  I will be a mental health advocate.  I will move forward, but I won't forget.

Yes, I still miss him and wish that I had gotten to say goodbye.  His Birthday is in a few weeks, but he is trapped in his own prison there.  If he wanted to speak to me, he knows how to get a hold of me, but I'm pretty sure the company had made some kind of threat to him about speaking to me.  Apparently, my name is no longer allowed to be uttered.  That gives me more power than I deserve.
In this case, Machiavelli was correct that fear is far more powerful in controlling the ignorant masses. That is their fault and has nothing to do with me.  I'll survive.

If you work for this bank, I urge you to find a better job that appreciates their employees.  They are out there.  Take a pay cut, I did, but I am much happier by not being there.  This is the only life we have and it's too short to be in an abusive discriminatory job.  I gained a ton of weight because of the constant stress.  I've lost friend, hair and some cognitive abilities because of that place.  I am filing complaints, but I will triumph by not letting what their ignorance did define me.

Realization

I'm working on this EEOC complaint against my former company because anxiety and major depression are classified as disabilities, which puts me in a protected class, and I've come to realize that that company was making me sicker.  They are the reason that I created Pile of Good Things (it's on hold for the moment).  That company and its ignorance was literally killing me and I was too sick to realize it.

Reliving everything that they had done might be the reason why it is taking me so long to write the entire complaint.  The questionnaire took a day, but the full explanation of what they had done sometimes brings my depression symptoms back.  When I don't think about them and the fact that I'm not there made me better.  Yes, it would be easier to give up and let it go, but they'd win and go on to discriminate other people like me.

They went on the assumption that any person with a mental illness will turn violent.  Next time I will not talk to anyone about anything personal.  I can talk about TV and music but as far as coworkers/managers will know, I have no personal life.  Only HR will know my single status.  I am not looking for a boyfriend because that is not what I need right now.  I may talk tough in a way, but that is a deflection of how much pain I'm really in.  Emotional pain takes longer to heal than physical pain.

Writing this complaint is like opening a wound in a way.  I have to write about how they maligned me almost daily.  They even used customers against me.  I mean what type of a company does that?  If a customer complained about me that's fine.  I was good with the customers especially the ones who are a little crazy.  I just get irritated when I think about everything that they did. 

I keep asking myself if it's me.  Is it my fault that these things happen?  There is a communication breakdown amongst people.  Due to the collective paranoia, the company jumped to conclusions without even informing me or asking me.  It's is a company that does not train its managers on how to deal with disabilities or diversity for that matter. 

I can be upbeat and positive now that my depression and anxiety are under control.  There nothing was under control.  I lost a lot because of that company. My health I will be able to regain, but my relationships are a bit more difficult.  Some people surprised me though, even people I haven't been close to in a long time like Kat and Laura were willing to help out. 

Depression is an unpredictable condition that has its own ebbs and flows.  There was just too much stress at that job for almost no reward.  I met my sales goals and helped the customers along with every other secondary duty.  It was damned if you damned if you don't for me.  Maybe it was just discrimination against me, the Jewish, white disabled girl. 

I have worked very hard to overcome my depression.  Depression can be triggered by stress and I was under a lot over the past 6 months because of the move and the job.  Even my blood work shows that.  I am so much better now.  I can be happy for more than 2 days in a row.  I am able to realize when something is wrong, but couldn't at the job when I was under constant stress. 

Once this EEOC complaint is sent off, it will no longer be in me.  That's the power of writing.  It doesn't swirl around in your soul anymore because it was released onto paper or online.  I am getting better because I am away from those people and that job.

Job Searching

Looking for a job is a full time job in itself.  I have gotten 1 offer, which I turned down because it was mostly on commission and cold calling businesses.  I am self motivated, but I don't think I would be able to handle so much rejection. I also didn't apply to that job.  I have only had one interview and a lot of rejection e-mails.

I know that I have to keep trying, but I get a lot of anxiety because I had to appeal my unemployment decision.  It was denied because my employer claimed it was willful misconduct.  I was never aware of the misconduct so it could not have been willful.  There was no malice of forethought in my actions.  It was a extremely stressful and hostile environment to work in.  It's only $300 a week.  It would cost them more for the lawyer, which they probably have on a retainer. 

I am working on getting the EEOC complaint out.  My mother has filed a complaint with the banking commission.  They are not a good company for their employees or their customers.  It takes a lot out of me to write the complaint because it's a lot of pain, discrimination and rawness associated with it.  I know that they can't hurt me anymore.  I am in a protected class because of my disability.  I am hoping to get it done and sent off by July 20th.

I'm not giving up.  There will be a job that fits that I can then work on becoming a lawyer with either night school or part time education.  I know that I may be overqualified for a lot of the jobs that I am applying for, but I do need something in the meantime.

I'm going to keep trying.  That's all I can do.

Not Belonging Anywhere

I look at Facebook sometimes and realize that I never really belonged to any group.  I was always the outsider.  I mean I have always had friends, but I never belonged to a group of friends that hung out all the time.  I don't have those best friends who are all best friends.  It must be nice.

I don't know why I've always been an outsider.  I suppose that I'm just different from everyone else.  I get along better with men than I do with women, which is probably where the trouble with my last two jobs came from.  I worked primarily with women and women are intimidated by me because I am too direct (male trait), intense and intelligent.  I'm not saying that women can't be intelligent, but there is a vast difference when one has an MA and the rest of the office just has a high school diploma.  It's like they missed a whole stage of development.

I usually find a few people in each place that I become friends with.  It's never a large group and I never feel like I belong there.  I should form my own, but my group of friends is very diverse and is dispersed throughout the world currently.  I'm lonely most of the time.  I'm working on getting better, but it's a long process. 

I wish I had more people that I was close to.  I don't because my heart was broken by several people who made my life better when they were here.  I guess I didn't matter much to them because they left me so easily. 

I felt like I belonged in England probably because of my past lives.  I know that England would not be a cure for my loneliness or my depression because I actually need people.  We all need someone else even if it's just one other person in the world.  I'm not talking about a lover because sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person or we have the right person and can still be lonely. 

I just wish I knew where I belonged and didn't feel like an outsider all the time.

Why Did I Stay?

I try not to think about my former job too much because it makes me incensed and melancholy at the same time.  A lot of people who know the history of all the hostile, toxic and potentially unethical if not illegal things they have done, ask why I stayed for so long.  The answer really was that I couldn't leave him there alone.  Even if he never talked to me again, the place was bad and he didn't deserve that.

The other benefit is that I got a crash course in business.  In order to go on my current career path, I do need to understand business and management.  I would like to be an employment lawyer and a mental health advocate.  I am a silly girl after all, not a violent psychopath.  I stayed for him.  There are very few people at that place that I really liked.  I think there were maybe 5 out of a company of 150ish.  What they did to me was horrendous and I just pity their ignorance. 

I think I wanted to save him, but he doesn't want to be saved.  My former workplace is just full of toxicity and not one employee can escape it.  I hope that he leaves soon because he no longer smiles or is friendly or makes jokes.  I knew he wasn't a happy person and all that was his mask, but I loved his mask and the deeply flawed individual underneath.

He was the one person that understood me completely.  He also gave me my 28th birthday wish, which was for him to wish me a happy birthday.  I never told him that because a wish is a secret.  I made it to 28 and with Doomsday, I didn't think that I would.

I basically expected to get fired almost every single day.  So it wasn't a surprise at all when they got rid of me.  I wish I had more time and was more brilliant with my own defense, but I think they had been planning to get rid of me for about a year.  I couldn't ask him to go down with me, which is why he was so distant in the beginning of the year. 

I was starting to look for another place, but I don't want to forget him.  He knew that I was better than that place, in fact, most of the employees are better than that place, including him.  I called him Rose.  He was my beautiful Rose.  I hope that one day he escapes that place, even if he takes a pay cut.  He would be healthier.  He might smile again.  I know that I have started to finally smile more and dance.

I don't regret staying because I had some extra time.  I know what I want to do now and the financial industry is not it.  I want to help people in a real way.  I can do that as a lawyer and as an advocate.  I just wish that I could have been his. 

Yes, it's a stupid reason to stay at a job, but sometimes I can't help the way that I feel.  I also know that I can't go through this life alone.  I am working on being a happier and healthier person that can love and be loved.  I may struggle more than the average person because of the Hashimoto's, depression and anxiety, but I work hard.  I want to be some one's support like I was to him.  I never betrayed him, the company did by being narrow minded gits.  For now though, I am here trying to get better for me. 

I forgive him and everyone else that left.  I stayed for him because I was too depressed and messed up to leave.  I'm better now though.