Realization

I'm working on this EEOC complaint against my former company because anxiety and major depression are classified as disabilities, which puts me in a protected class, and I've come to realize that that company was making me sicker.  They are the reason that I created Pile of Good Things (it's on hold for the moment).  That company and its ignorance was literally killing me and I was too sick to realize it.

Reliving everything that they had done might be the reason why it is taking me so long to write the entire complaint.  The questionnaire took a day, but the full explanation of what they had done sometimes brings my depression symptoms back.  When I don't think about them and the fact that I'm not there made me better.  Yes, it would be easier to give up and let it go, but they'd win and go on to discriminate other people like me.

They went on the assumption that any person with a mental illness will turn violent.  Next time I will not talk to anyone about anything personal.  I can talk about TV and music but as far as coworkers/managers will know, I have no personal life.  Only HR will know my single status.  I am not looking for a boyfriend because that is not what I need right now.  I may talk tough in a way, but that is a deflection of how much pain I'm really in.  Emotional pain takes longer to heal than physical pain.

Writing this complaint is like opening a wound in a way.  I have to write about how they maligned me almost daily.  They even used customers against me.  I mean what type of a company does that?  If a customer complained about me that's fine.  I was good with the customers especially the ones who are a little crazy.  I just get irritated when I think about everything that they did. 

I keep asking myself if it's me.  Is it my fault that these things happen?  There is a communication breakdown amongst people.  Due to the collective paranoia, the company jumped to conclusions without even informing me or asking me.  It's is a company that does not train its managers on how to deal with disabilities or diversity for that matter. 

I can be upbeat and positive now that my depression and anxiety are under control.  There nothing was under control.  I lost a lot because of that company. My health I will be able to regain, but my relationships are a bit more difficult.  Some people surprised me though, even people I haven't been close to in a long time like Kat and Laura were willing to help out. 

Depression is an unpredictable condition that has its own ebbs and flows.  There was just too much stress at that job for almost no reward.  I met my sales goals and helped the customers along with every other secondary duty.  It was damned if you damned if you don't for me.  Maybe it was just discrimination against me, the Jewish, white disabled girl. 

I have worked very hard to overcome my depression.  Depression can be triggered by stress and I was under a lot over the past 6 months because of the move and the job.  Even my blood work shows that.  I am so much better now.  I can be happy for more than 2 days in a row.  I am able to realize when something is wrong, but couldn't at the job when I was under constant stress. 

Once this EEOC complaint is sent off, it will no longer be in me.  That's the power of writing.  It doesn't swirl around in your soul anymore because it was released onto paper or online.  I am getting better because I am away from those people and that job.