Letting It Get To You

That's how you know how you're alive.  I let things get to me because sometimes being called a complete incompetent by a customer is a hurtful.  Yes, I did cry in my car a bit at lunch.  I can also say I know what happens to people when they don't take their psychiatric medication.  That's one of the hardest parts of my role as a mental health advocate, is watching someone's disability get the better of them.  That might be why I let this get to me.

I know that it's hard not to take things personally when I'm in the middle of a court case, which was solely based on personal attacks against me.  I was yelled at by at least 10 customers this morning.  I guess it was bad mood Wednesday, but there is really no excuse to be rude to someone that is trying to help yo fix a mistake.  I mean this customer held my register hostage and wouldn't move until the problem was fixed.   Then she didn't end up taking the medication anyway.  I really do need to keep my cool better when trying to calm down someone who is not sane.

The worst part is that I really don't have anyone to talk to when I get home from work.  Everyone I care about either lives in a different country, is an educator or works retail.  Being an adult is getting to me.  I'm not quite sure what joy there is in being an adult because all the things that are now legal for an adult, I don't care much for.  Sure I can drink scotch legally and wine, but that's not the best thing in the world.  I feel like part of me is missing.

I do enjoy my job, which is why I didn't quit on the spot.  It was just an awful day.  On days like this I miss him.  I miss my Rose, my companion.  Yes, he is an idiot, but for a short time I wasn't lonely.  That was worth the world.  This is my day of letting things get to me.

Feeling Good

There are days when I'm so exhausted and at my wit's end because it was a rough day at work, but then I realize that I am not longer at the bank.  I deal with sick people with money who can be demanding as they want.  Usually it has nothing to do with me.  At the bank, I was under a microscope because I stood up for myself.  I am still standing up for myself.  I am doing so much better now than I was at the bank.

I am starting to get back on track with my health.  I have started taking baths and doing face masks.  I have gotten cooling gel for my legs for the longer days.  The good thing is that I am taking a responsibility for eating better.

I am also working on cleaning out things from my apartment.  I sorted some of the things my dad left behind and found out that he left unused gift cards.  I had $75 to Kohl's where I got a pair of jeans and a bracelet that was about inspiration.  I'm also cleaning because my friend, Casey will be moving in around January.  I'm excited to be around someone again. 

I'm glad that for the time being, I am feeling good.  I will continue to struggle and will continue to fight.  It's good to be here right now.

You Should Never Be Alone

Being alone is fine, but feeling alone is definitely not.  I'm not afraid of being alone, but I can't stand the feeling of loneliness and isolation.  I'm not sure if it's the depression, the long hours or the fact that I don't see people as often as I used to.

The thing that is conflicting me at the moment is that I greatly enjoy my job even though it is stressful and causes my legs to ache badly.  I have fun most of the time at my job.  I'm not sure if it's because I get to help people in a way or that it's because I'm part of a team and people depend on me.

Physically, I'm not taking care of myself.  Due to my hours, I eat at odd hours and eat a lot of crap.  Hell, I barely have time to cook good things for myself.  I would kill to be able to make a baked potato because it's healthier than the M&Ms that were my dinner. 

I spend too much time alone and that is something that should never happen.  I feel like I'm not worthy because everyone else has someone and that takes work.  Any relationship needs to be cultivated.  People seem to forget that.  Being in a pharmacy, I think that is part of the reason why anti-depressants are so rampant.  We all spend a lot of time isolated and alone.  We need other people to laugh with, to hug, and to feel with.  I don't think we do that enough.

We should never be alone.

The Downside

The downside about this lawsuit is going over everything and basically reliving the pain.  I feel like I'm right after Doomsday.  I was in hell after that because my only offense, my only crime was caring for him.  That small, seemingly insignificant thing to the company pretty much tore apart my whole life.  It triggered a depression in me, which caused so much more than just separating friends. 

The depression effected my entire life.  I couldn't focus on work or even cleaning.  I was cutting pretty badly because I was in so much emotional pain, that the cutting was relief from crying so much.  I hated myself because I thought it was me that caused me to lose my friend.  This lawsuit is actually making me wonder if it will make his life worse because he is part of it.  The whole reason that the lawsuit exists is because the bank made him choose me or his job.  While I was rebuilding myself after the trauma, the bank made it difficult for me at work.

I feel like I'm living all that again.  The problem is that I'm lonely.  That is my main trigger.  I'm fine when I am at work and around people.  When I get home, especially at night when I am time to think about everything is when I go back to hell because the depression is waiting for me.

The other part of why I'm so messed up at the moment is that I am exhuasted.  I will never be working a 60 hour week again.  Luckily the paycheck will be nice enough for me to put some money into savings.  The downside of exhaustion is that it gives me a thyroid episode.  The fatigue itself takes a few weeks to recover from.

All of these things combined is spiking my depression and is making me hate myself.  I think the only answer at the moment is to spend time with people.  That might be why I go shopping so often, so that I can be around people.

Price Tag

So, the lawsuit is now a real thing.  I got the paperwork from the EEOC along with an invitation to mediate the case out.  I do have some concerns about mediation though.

I don't trust the bank to hold up their end because they have tried to screw me for a year and a half.  Also with mediation, it is nonbinding.  So, there are no consequences if they don't follow through.  The other issue is how to put a price tag on that type of trauma and pain.  What they did is beyond all human decency and now have no idea what to do.

Any advice?

It's Days Like This

It's days like this when I get frustrated, where I'm not even sure who or what I'm frustrated at, that I miss my companion.  I miss being able to blow off steam and talk to him about what frustrated me, so that I could figure out what it was.  That way I could calm down.

Today was even worse than yesterday.  It is hell week at work because we are super short staffed.  Also this one girl called out 2 days in a row.  I mean I can understand if you are sick, I mean I have a chronic illness where I asked to have shortened hours, but don't just miss work and not make some arrangement.  Being in the pharmacy is really being part of a team.  When something gets backed up, the chain breaks.  We ended up not even finishing anything today.  I got yelled at by customers because everything was backed up a broken.  I understand why they are upset, but I can't fix things for them.

I know that tomorrow is going to be catchup day, which means I am going in an hour early with the pharmacist on duty to try to finish today's work before starting tomorrow's.  I enjoy my job because in a way, I help make people better.  That's what I want to do.  I'm just a small part, but this way I learn so I can do so much more.

I know that I need someone because I tend to fall apart.  I need someone that isn't my mother to stop me.  Someone that can stop my mind or focus me.  That's what he used to do.  Also loneliness is my trigger, which is not helping me deal with the stress at work.

Despite the fact that he was crazy and couldn't fix himself, he was an amazing listener.  He was the one person in the entire world that believed I could do anything.  The truth is that I can, but need someone else to chase my doubts away because that is what my illness does.  Depression makes me doubt myself. 

Tomorrow, I am going to bring in cake and coffee because I think it will lift everyone up from yesterday.  I like making people happy because it chases away my sorrows.  After a year and a half, I still have a broken heart.  That is my punishment for standing up for myself at my last job, I have a broken heart.

So here I am, alone in my apartment, typing away instead of talking to him because he's gone.  12 hours tomorrow with a broken heart.

How?

I have a 52 hour work week coming up starting tomorrow.  This is something that I am not looking forward to in the slightest since my body is already exhausted and not taking things well.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it through the week.

I am also unsure how to make it so that people like me.  I try hard, but I'm still very lonely.  I like being around people, which is probably why I shop a lot.  It's a way to get out and see people.  I do have friends but people have been so busy.

I'm going to try to get to know someone and not get annoyed at them.  I want an affectionate friendship.  How can I be this broken that I don't know how to relate anymore?

The Awful Truth

Working in a pharmacy and just filling prescriptions makes me realize the awful truth that depression is far more common than anyone wants to admit.  I also see that some people are worse off than me.  There is something very wrong with the statement that depression is common because it shouldn't be.  There is something that we are lacking in the world.  I have to find out what that is and fix it.