Happiness and Fifty Shades

I have been really happy recently.  There is no particular reason for it.  Aside from my debt, my life is pretty decent.  I have food to eat and a place to live.  I have a job that I do well at.  I have people that I like and friends that I hang out with.  Sure I don't see them as often because of work, but I don't cancel plans with them.  I think I'm starting to really enjoy life again.

It's not perfect, but I'm learning.  Electricity and debt are my biggest worries because they have to be managed better.  Electric heat is tricky to gauge.  I think I have finally figured it out though.  I get to start winterizing my apartment next month.

 I think I enjoy what I do for my day job.  It has given me the confidence to move forward.  I don't second guess myself at work.  Do I get cranky?  Of course, especially after a 12 hour day or 6 days in a row.  However, I think I'm starting to me more understanding and compassionate to the patients.  Well, at least to a certain degree as some of them are spoiled crazy people.  Also many of my coworkers are intelligent and sarcastic.

I've come to realize that the imbeciles at the bank didn't win.  They didn't break me or destroy me.  I am a million times better than any of them and I matter.  I will make more of an impact on this world than that company ever could.  This isn't arrogance; this is strength.  This is confidence in myself, but I'm not confident in my body.

The battle with my weight is ongoing as it's difficult to eat healthy when your job stocks chips, soda and candy.  The soda is the most difficult thing for me to stop.  I don't keep it in the apartment, but when you're rarely there, it's difficult to resist the quick caffeine when it is needed.  As for exercise, I still haven't found a routine that works.  Again it's difficult when my average shift is 10 hours.  I'll figure it out soon enough.

As for Fifty Shades.  I'm on the third book and I'm tired of the characters.  I know it's erotica, but their development is stagnant and sappy.  I liked the first two.  The books remind me of someone that I cared for very much.  Reading the books made me think that while sex and relationships are interesting, I'm still finding myself, so I am not ready for someone else.

It's OK to be alone while you're healing.  Besides, I always have the Doctor.

The Hard Part

Eventually, you move on.  You find other people to fill your life with, but it's not the same.  It's never the same.  I don't have a person yet who I talk to all day long and they talk to me.  Yes, I have friends, but this person wasn't my boyfriend.  He was more like my mentor or protector. 

It's the Fall that is hard for me, especially the warm days because I remember the hug.  I remember his smile.  There are days that I am happy, but when I'm home by myself after an 11 hour day, I feel the void.  That's the hard part.  I still haven't quite figured out how to fill the void.

I am moving on.  I'm selling my shoes.  They remind me of Rose because he loved shoes.  It was probably a fetish, but I also no longer have a place or reason to wear them.  I can't wear heels in the pharmacy on an 11 hour shift.  My feet hurt after wearing sneakers or clogs.  Whatever money I get off of them will go towards bills. 

I still have a lot of medical bills and bills in general, which is dragging.  The good thing is that I'm caught up on the things that I need.  Next purchase is a bra since one of mine lost the underwire. I might wait till the post holiday sales to get that.  There might also be some gift cards from my birthday.  I also have to look for a new car or a lease.

I don't have anyone to talk about this things with other than my parents who live in a different country.  Rose would know what to do, at least when it came to me.  I just don't know how to fix the loneliness.