Since I called out sick today, as I have a cold, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. I figured out a few weeks ago that everything I had related to Doomsday is gone. I have a new car as the car I drove at that time was auctioned off for parts. The phone I had is now in a drawer with a shattered screen. Even the sweater I wore on that day is gone. It was a brown and gold sweater, which I loved, but it got too big for me, so I donated it. I don't have a lot of the friends I had either.
This new chapter in my life has a new car, phone, wardrobe and companion. It also has about $80k in debt. A majority of that is student loans. A bit of it is medical debt, car loan and then finally credit cards. The medical debt stresses me out more than the credit cards because I shouldn't have that kind of debt. I also have to add more money to my credit card debt to make it to my brother's wedding as a round trip flight will cost about $375, which is going to add to the debt.
I know that I will be able to pay all these things off eventually. In the present, it's very overwhelming to know that all your pays goes to bills. I've had to cut out movies, vacations, pedicures, eating lamb and fish, and alcohol all because of debt. Not that being at the bank would solve this. I switched careers and it will take me another 2 years to reach a living wage in my state.
I have paid off 2 out of the 6 of my credit cards because last summer I had to live off them and pay for things on my old car. I know that I'm never going to be rich. While I have a graduate degree, it hasn't turned into a career because for history, you pretty much need a PhD and have to wait for someone to die.
While I am starting a new chapter of my life, it's starting with a heavy financial burden. I can attack it slowly. I know that this will effect my credit score, but I also don't intend to buy a house ever. I just wish it was easier for me, so that I could enjoy my life more now that I'm better.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Three Years Later
My life changed three years ago today. I refer to it as Doomsday. I'm not going to talk about the event itself because part of it is still too painful to talk about. I still haven't given the full details to my companion. The consequences of the event were a loss of 2 years due to depression and several friends. I do not want to dwell on the bad, I want to focus on what I've accomplished. I am definitely a survivor and plan to make my story matter.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
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