Debt

The worst part about debt is not having a social life.  I don't really have money to go out and do things that involve others.  I can't afford to go to the movies anymore really unless it's the discount theater.  I can't really afford to go out to eat or get coffee.  I have food, but a lot of it is canned or dried so that I can use it for when I don't have money (usually the summer). 

I'm trying to pay things off.  I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect.  It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money.  I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month.  I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.

Overcoming a trauma is never easy.  Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years.  I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy.  I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight.  I don't like my body.  I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah.  I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy.  As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.  I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married.  I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America.  I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful.  I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate. 

A lot of people tell me to be more positive.  I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy.  I'm tired of having less than nothing.  All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn.  Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left. 

While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me.  I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma.  My life kind of stopped for 2 years.  I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person.  Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic.  If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen.  It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose.  I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything.  I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.

Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness.  Mostly because they can.  Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy.  I'm not any of those things really.  My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding.  He hasn't had to be on his own yet.  He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it.  I wish I didn't have to care about money.

Sometimes you just need support.  I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me.  Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.