A Sad Smile

Sometimes a truce is called and the smallest hint of niceties constitute the appearance of a sad smile.  I had one of those today.  It was just a small suggestion that I put forward to him and he actually did it.  I was so proud of myself for doing something that was great and useful.  It made me have a sad smile.

No, I don't really understand how he can be so friendly one month and then be so cold for months on end.  I know that he is unmedicated bipolar and yes, I still care about him and most likely will forever because that's just how I am.  It really is his own paranoia that drives him it seems.

I did confront him about treating me differently at work and that I expect to have e-mails answered in a timely manner.  His reply was like how one treats a child, which he has done before.  I don't need the counting because it doesn't work on me anymore.  I know that it's never easy either to deal with someone who thinks that they can control their illness.  Even if he went to a therapist once a month I think it would benefit him.

He would talk to me about things, which I could do nothing to help him with.  As a friend, I can help support people through their problems and tell them when they're being crazy.  Sometimes it was far more frightening than I would ever tell anyone.  Maybe this is partly why I created Pile of Good Things; to educate others especially employers about what signs exist for mental illness, so the people who need the help get help.

The hardest thing in the world is to convince someone that they may need help when they think that they are fine or that they can control their illness. His paranoia caused him to make a choice to isolate himself and be alone.  It was his choice and I think it was the wrong choice.  I think time will tell how things will eventually turn out, but for now on some occasions, you will see a girl with a sad smile on her face.  That girl is me.

Falling out of Love

While researching for Pile of Good Things, I remembered how much my illness has effected my job and because of that, I have fallen out of love with the companies I have worked for, which in a way is a shame because they have good products.

I used to love the cosmetic company's products because they were a treat every once in a while.  I liked what they did for my skin.  However, working with the products constantly combined with a metal bowl had an unknown reaction to sulfates cause permanent hand damage.  Having been barraged with their overly political stance as well; I slowly fell out of love with the company.  Added to that is that I was being bullied by two managers that a depression was triggered.  It was a very sad end to my love of a company that basically made my stay in London so amazing. 

I have found alternatives to their products, but it still makes me sad that I fell out of love with a company that I used to admire so much.  Yet, I have a permanent reminder of all the bullying and torture that I was subjected to under those two managers.  While I use different products, I haven't found another company that I was completely in love with. 

Then there is my current job.  I work in a small mutual bank.  I believe that the products they have for the public are amazing.  There are little to no fees and we have impeccable customer service.  However, ignorance on the part of management triggered the worst episode of depression that I have ever had.  You can read all about that in my post, Doomsday.  I used to love going to work and helping people.  Now, I don't hate my job , but I don't love it either.    I still like the people in my office and I have made a few friends, but for the most part, I am still an outsider there.  I enjoy the fact that I get to take classes and can train people in my office, but I know that I will not have a career oriented future there.

I carry on in a way that still leaves me sad at my core.  I fight everyday, but I try not to give up.  I don't think that I really belong anywhere, which is why I am creating my own place.  Falling out of love can be slow and painful or quick and painful.  I think it's worse when you fall out of love slowly.  A little piece of the love dies each day, never to come back again.  From all this, it doesn't seem worth loving anything because it will disappoint.

I Don't Hate Life

There is a secret that lurks in my soul.  Sometimes, I think it's too horrible for anyone to understand.  I don't hate life, but I don't love it anymore.  I don't know if I ever really did.  I've lost so much, that I really don't love my life and I don't think there is anything that can ever change it because I have recurrent depression due to Hashimoto's Thryoiditis.  Maybe my life will just be completely about managing my illnesses.  The down side is that I actually need people to do that. 

I wonder if the people that left, if that was easy.  I wonder if they miss me like I miss them.  Sometimes it takes years to repair the damage.  If anyone read Doomsday, then I may not ever truly recover from it.  There will always be a scar, but one that no one can see.  Does anyone see behind the mask?

I feel like giving up most of the time, but there is a tiny little thing inside me that says not to.  I just really want him back.  I hate what happened to me, but I truly believe that if my job was so steeped in ignorance about mental illnesses, they would have not made as big a deal about it as they did.  I honestly don't know how I'm still alive.

I feel hopeless about finding friends or getting them back.  I just feel like I keep disappointing people because I'm not better to the point to the person that I was.  I just wish my face changed to go with what I am now.  The problem is that I'm not quite sure who I am.  I'm just not quite sure where I'm going from now on.

Numquam Singularis Numquam

The truth is that I don't know if I'm more human or not human at all.  I really am different from most of the people I come into contact with.  I don't know if it's because of my intelligence, my gender fluidity or the fact that I'm far more compassionate then I care to admit.  Whatever it is, it makes me feel so solitary.

Let me explain my gender fluidness.  My body is female, my brain is primarily male and I switch back and forth and occasionally I feel like I have no gender at all.  I don't want to be either male or female.  I am fine with what I am.  It works out well with my hyper active mind.

I've never really been good with dealing with my loneliness, but I have the Doctor now.  I know that he's just a fictional character on a TV show, but to me he is real.  I get to join him on adventures and for a short while I'm not lonely anymore.  My therapist always asks if I still watch Doctor Who.  Probably because my therapist is awesome and it's a better coping tool than cutting.

The quote in Latin is from a song called Vale Decem, which plays while the 10th Doctor regenerates into the 11th.  The quote means that you are never alone never.  I understand the feeling of loneliness because it is my constant companion.  I understand the loneliness of the Doctor.  You don't always see it, but it's there.  I know that there are people who have no one, but I just don't feel the connections.  Not like the one I had with him. 

I still want to see if there is something better out there where it won't hurt anymore.  I know that that is impossible.  I think I need somewhere that I'm allowed to grow.  I might just have to get Pile of Good Things up and running for him, for me and for everyone who suffers like me.

Fundraising

Hi Everyone!!!!!

I am officially starting a nonprofit called Pile of Good Things.  The name comes from a quote from Doctor Who and we believe that employers should add to their employees' piles of good things.  Mental illness is an issue that is largely ignored in the corporate world.  It is a problem for everyone.  Mental illness affects everyone, family, friends and coworkers.

Help me get this started so that I can help others.  Jobs have the ability to create a healthy and positive work environment for all since stress is the #1 trigger for many mental illness episodes.  Depression, especially, can be a stress related illness.

Even if you can't donate money, please e-mail me or comment with ideas, suggestions or referrals for lawyers, accountants or board of directors.  Visit the link below to check out my fundraising effort.

Indiegogo Pile of Good Things

Why I Love the Oscars

I love movies because they have a magic quality to show us ourselves and to sweep us away on an adventure for 2 to 3 hours.  Movies are a great distraction and by extension, so are the Oscars.  It's the culmination of a fantasy.

Every person dreams of what it would be like to be a movie star even if it's just for one day.  We fantasize about being famous and glamorous.  The Oscars are the epitome of that veneer.  With all the actresses in gorgeous gowns and the men looking smart in suits. 

Yes, the ceremony is long and some of the jokes fall flat depending on the host.  I did love that Ellen decided to order pizza.  The fact that the nominees were eating the pizza was even better.  I was so happy the Cate Blanchett won for Blue Jasmine.  I didn't see the movie, but I adore Cate Blanchett.  I still think she should have won for Elizabeth in 1998. 

Jared Leto probably had one of the best acceptance speeches that I have ever heard.  He was right when he mentioned the importance of the Dallas Buyers Club bringing attention back to HIV/AIDS as my generation has seemed to have forgotten about AIDS, yet people are still getting infected.  I also loved that he mentioned people who felt injustice for who they are or who they love.  As someone who is different.  I greatly admired his speech.

The Oscars highlight great films and I was so happy that 12 Years A Slave won for best picture because there was such depth and horrific beauty to the film.  It brought to life the wretchedness of slavery in a way that actually hurt.  That film showed me that patience and perseverance can help us survive.  I highly recommend this film.

The Oscars are a night that we can all escape and celebrate great films.  Movies help us to escape.  They inspire us and teach us.  They are entertainment and tools.  That is why I love the Oscars because it allows us to see just how important movies are to our culture and our lives.

Self Injury Awareness Day

Today is Self Injury Awareness Day.  It's a day to let people know that self injury doesn't make someone crazy, they are just in pain.  They also tend to suffer in silence because there is a high degree of shame associated with self injury.

I decided to quit cutting a year ago today.  I used to cut just to make it through the day and it spiraled out of control.  I have to say that the first weeks of going without it while dealing with severe depression and anxiety was no medication.  I muscled through it somehow. 

A year later, my cravings for it have significantly lessened.  My depression has not yet stabilized because of all the changes that are going on in my life.  I'm much better at coping when stress arises.  I either talk to a friend,breathing exercises, listen to music or watch Doctor Who. 

If you think someone is hurting themselves, don't belittle them or make ultimatums to make them stop.  Don't guilt trip them into stopping because it hurts you.  We know that it hurts the other people around us and that it's not a great thing to do, but that's the only way we have to cope at the moment.  Help us.  Let us know you care and that you want to help us get better.

Show your support.  Post picture of wearing orange and purple on March 1.  Help someone who self injures by not turning a blind eye.  Silence breeds silence.  Together we can stop the pain.