Falling out of Love

While researching for Pile of Good Things, I remembered how much my illness has effected my job and because of that, I have fallen out of love with the companies I have worked for, which in a way is a shame because they have good products.

I used to love the cosmetic company's products because they were a treat every once in a while.  I liked what they did for my skin.  However, working with the products constantly combined with a metal bowl had an unknown reaction to sulfates cause permanent hand damage.  Having been barraged with their overly political stance as well; I slowly fell out of love with the company.  Added to that is that I was being bullied by two managers that a depression was triggered.  It was a very sad end to my love of a company that basically made my stay in London so amazing. 

I have found alternatives to their products, but it still makes me sad that I fell out of love with a company that I used to admire so much.  Yet, I have a permanent reminder of all the bullying and torture that I was subjected to under those two managers.  While I use different products, I haven't found another company that I was completely in love with. 

Then there is my current job.  I work in a small mutual bank.  I believe that the products they have for the public are amazing.  There are little to no fees and we have impeccable customer service.  However, ignorance on the part of management triggered the worst episode of depression that I have ever had.  You can read all about that in my post, Doomsday.  I used to love going to work and helping people.  Now, I don't hate my job , but I don't love it either.    I still like the people in my office and I have made a few friends, but for the most part, I am still an outsider there.  I enjoy the fact that I get to take classes and can train people in my office, but I know that I will not have a career oriented future there.

I carry on in a way that still leaves me sad at my core.  I fight everyday, but I try not to give up.  I don't think that I really belong anywhere, which is why I am creating my own place.  Falling out of love can be slow and painful or quick and painful.  I think it's worse when you fall out of love slowly.  A little piece of the love dies each day, never to come back again.  From all this, it doesn't seem worth loving anything because it will disappoint.