I miss you

Because I will always miss him.

Cognitive Abilities

I'm pretty sure all my readers and friends can tell when my condition rears its ugly head.  My cognitive abilities are hindered.  My spelling is off as well as my thought process.  Sometimes I stutter or just look down searching for the correct word.  Sometimes I say the wrong cranberry (stolen from Iron Man 3).

It's almost like my intelligence level has dropped down and I can't get it back to work.  I hate this fact because I used to be well spoken and witty, but I'm not there anymore.  I am on my good days, but when I start to feel dysphoric again I am an idiot.  For being the cleverest person in the room, this is frustrating.

I am not quite sure if it's the severity of the depression that has caused this or if it's the medication.  At this point, I'm fairly sure that it's the depression itself.  I understand why it's a disability because it effects every facet of the sufferer's life.  For me, it's the cognitive abilities that bother me the most.

I don't care that I am asexual now or sleep too much or crave sugar more (in the form of soda).  I want my speech and mind to go back to being what they were.  I'm not sure if this happens to anyone else, but it's part of me that is gone.  People say that I will go back to my normal functioning, but so far my cognitive abilities have improved very little.

There are many things that I want back that my condition have destroyed.  The only resolution to all of them is time.  I have never been that patient. 

Disability

I'm starting to understand why depression and anxiety are considered disabilities.  They are chronic conditions that have to be managed.  I have good days and then I will have a day where I am again eaten alive by the pain.  The intangible pain that has no beginning and seemingly no ending.

There is no one that can take this pain away.  Maybe the loneliness is is tearing about my heart.  It seems like even though I am doing everything  right, it will always be the struggle.  I am on medication, but there are still symptoms.  Maybe it is about just keeping going the best that I can.

I'm tired of fighting it today.

Connection

Depression happens because of the lack of connection.  I read that in several books including The Suicidal Mind and The Depression Cure. Humans are social creatures while ironically a symptom of depression is withdrawing from people.  However, being around friends and family helps to lift the depression.

I am glad that my friends are always willing to hang out in person because as we are all connected through texting, social media, and all other forms of instant messaging...it seems cold.  There is no hearing a voice, feeling a presence or seeing a smile.  No, emoticons don't count!  Sometimes a phone call is all it takes.  So, what happens when someone that you have a connection with disappears?

That is the question that I've been struggling with for weeks.  That question has caused my depression self assessment rise to moderate after it finally dropped down into the mild zone.  I don't connect to people easily and when I do, it's so detrimental to lose that person.  I lost him.  I'm finally getting to the point where I'm better and he left.  It may have been due to fear or poor communication or a thousand other reasons.  Yes, I miss him because he took the time to understand me in a way that I felt.

I am trying to connect back to myself and my friends again.  I don't think any of this beauty that I am creating or participating in would have been possible without losing that connection.  Right now, I might not be well enough to try to get him to look at me again and he might not be either.  Others may not think that trying to establish the relationship again is worth it, but it is my choice and my life.  Maybe I'm a masochist or maybe I'm just stubborn.  I'm not quite sure.

I believe in miracles and friendships that never die.  It might be due to the fact that I am extremely loyal.  One day I will win.  I will establish deep connections.  I will be me.  Join me in the fight for connection! 

So, read this and then get off the electronic device of your choice and spend time with someone.  Pick up the phone, write a letter or walk outside.  Connect in a real way.

Therapy

I go to therapy with my amazing LCSW every other week.  This week we discussed the complaint that I filed and that I will be meeting with the president of my company before I file it.  Just so you all know, depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders are considered disabilities under the Americans with Disabilities act and yet people are still discriminated against due to these illnesses.

I am hoping that the wrongs that have been committed against me will be righted because this time I stood up for myself.  Silence is the killer with these illnesses.  It takes a great amount of bravery to let people know that you are ill and that management is the only option.  My illness is episodic.  I will continue to have anxiety attacks and depressive episodes for the rest of my life.  I know that people want to help, but sometimes the wrong things are said.  However, this is all ok because I can deal with it.  I just needed a guide to show me or several in my case.

I have a disability, but I am not my illness, my disability or my scars.  I am a human being who is fragile and loving.  I want to help people be happy and smile.  I want to remember that everyday is a miracle and that I am loved. 

I hope that whoever my readers are know that I love them.  I love you for going on this journey with me.  You are part of the light, part of the solution, part of the connection.  May you all find peace, love and happiness.  We are the miracles.  We are not our struggles.

Love Letters

Since I was stuck at the airport yesterday and I already read that giant book that I was going to read, I wandered into a book store that was mysteriously open at 6 am.  I bought The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I had already seen the movie, but heard that the book was awesome, so I bought it and read it in a day.  It is an inspiring story.  I can definitely relate and I did have a teacher like Bill who is my friend to this day although no one quite understands it. 

The thing that touched me the most about this book was that the main character, Charlie, was writing anonymous letters about himself to another person.  I adored how he signed it "Love Always."  Love is a scary word to most people because everyone thinks that it's romantic love, but as I said once before there are different types of love and one can love a complete stranger (see Valerie in V For Vendetta).  The very last page of the book has a website moreloveletters.com, which I just signed up for an adored.

More Love Letters is a movement to leave anonymous letters of encouragement for people to find to brighten their day.  I did a campaign for my friends about what they meant to me and got a positive response.  We are all so connected to our digital connections that we forget about the human one.  When was the last time you got a letter?  I think I may leave random letters at places for people to find.  I would love to find one myself one day.

I was thinking while reading the book that I never really had a cause until now.  People still get stigmatized for depression, which they shouldn't/  I know I have and I have also been discriminated against because of it.  I want people to care about humans again.  We all crave connection and we get depression because we mostly connect through social media.  It is easier to say that we don't like people rather than admit that we are damaged and lonely.  I hope that this blog brings hope and that we can all overcome depression.  I will never stop this fight. 

Weekend Getaway

I have just returned from my weekend getaway to Kentucky, which was excellent on the whole, but the last 24 hours was horrific and I had a minor incident because of stress.  The weekend was relaxing as opposed to the travel, which was anything but.

I am not a huge fan of flying just because of the bumpiness involved with turbulence.  The layover in Cleveland wasn't bad except for the fact that I got bad Chinese food.  It didn't make me sick, but it wasn't satisfying either.  When I landed in Louisville, I was most surprised by the humidity there.  Obviously, I am not a southern girl.  Yankee all the way!  Geof picked me up form the airport with his son, who looks exactly like him and I can't understand a damn word the kid says aside from "OK." 

The first day was just introductions and getting settled in.  The baby girl is interesting to say the least.  For some reason she likes me, but most little kids like me.  I still find it very odd considering we nicknamed her "Moriarty."  As a baby she also happens to be covered in goo a lot.  I am not a huge baby person, but I adapted.

The first day we went out to brunch at this amazing place called Wild Eggs and I had my favorite, Eggs Benedict.  I blame my assistant for getting me hooked on it.  It was amazing and the baby flung milk and pancakes at me.  Joy!  We did a bit of walking around and shopping where I got some gorgeous chocolate and a "positivity rock."  It's just a polished stone that has a positive word on it.  The one I got was hematite Serenity.  I love it.  Then it was time to set the little ones down for a nap.  Tired children are cranky children.

After nap and the adults watching dubious historical movies, we went to the zoo.  Creepy historical movies was the theme of the weekend.  One with Wilhem Dafoe saying that he never attacked a woman he wasn't attracted to...  Anyway.  The zoo was awesome.  I love animals and the kids seemed to enjoy it.  Dinner was yummy Italian food.

Saturday was my favorite day because we got to see this Mythical Creature Exhibit.  I love mythical creatures and wish that they were real.  I took a picture with the baby riding a unicorn, which made me look fat, but the picture came out awesome.  Then it was hot boys with swords and history as told through guns.  Excellent.  We went to dinner with Geof's parents and then continued our terrible historical drama marathon.

Sunday was just a weird day,  I slept in because I was on vacation and I could.  I ended up going to a wedding shower and setting everything up with Bela.  It was kind of strange and I felt like I was in Gone with the Wind in that house.  I at least got some free lotion out of the deal, which I love.  Then it was just Indian Food.

The 24 hours of hell started yesterday when my first flight was delayed an hour then it was delayed till 7 pm where I would miss connecting flight.  I got rebooked on another airline to go to Chicago where I waited on the plane for 2 hours and then we made it to Chicago.  Chicago O'Hare is the shittiest airport I've ever been to.  My connecting flight had already left by the time I found the gate.  I waited in line to get rebooked on an early morning flight to try to get to work by noon. 

Sleeping in an airport is horrible as I was freezing the entire night.  The only nice thing was that someone put a blanket on me, so I didn't freeze as much.  I woke up after a night of dozing to find out that my flight was delayed 4 hours.  Needless to say that I was cranky, hungry and tired.  I also missed work today because I was stuck yet again.  When I finally got to my home airport I was so frazzled that I dug my nails into my skin to get some tension relief. 

I am fine now, will take my bath and try to relax a bit.  The trip overall was fantastic.  It was exactly what I needed even though I missed him because I'm finally getting better and then I remember he's gone.  I can still have fun though and people still care about me.

The Right Thing

Doing what is right usually isn't easy or without cost.  It takes a great amount of bravery in the face of adversity and fear.  It also takes great personal risk to stand up to tyranny, which is why most people just follow along instead of standing up for themselves.  I stood up for myself.  I did what I thought was right.

I didn't file the complaint as a personal vendetta or to win him back.  I did it so I could move on.  I didn't come to this decision rashly.  I came to it calmly and wrote down all the facts that I could remember.  I am not doing this just for me.  I am doing it for those that have more to lose as I have nothing to lose.  I can fight for those that can't.

I had a friend who risked his career to bend a rule because what the consequence (telling my parents) was would be far more harmful than helpful.  I always admired his courage and his loyalty to me.  It was the most amazing thing that anyone had ever done for me.

Whatever happens now, happens.  I stood up for me.  I did what was right on behalf of myself and others.  That is something that I am proud of.  Be brave!

The Boring Stage

There is a stage when I get better where I feel like I'm boring.  I haven't quite gotten back to the things that interest me, but not quite having the depression either.  I am just this middle person that doesn't really know what I'm supposed to be talking about.  That stage is where I think about giving up.

I am keeping up with the wellness plan.  I'm doing everything right, but I just don't feel interesting anymore.  I am in that inbetween stage, where I don't remember what I truly enjoyed.   I try to hang out with my friends, but I just don't know what to say to them. 

I'm glad that my problems no longer define me and keep screwing up my relationships.  I lost a few people or they are a bit distant now.  I just desperately want to get back to being the charming, funny, happy version of me that I remember.  I know that I've always been different, which made me interesting.  I'm not sure if that was always because of my illness or if I was just different.

I am hoping that the boring stage is over with soon and that I will find what I love again.

The Power and the Peril of Hope

Hope.  If I pray, which is rarely, it's only one word: hope.  When I traveled to the Western Wall in Israel, I just wrote the word "hope" on a piece of paper and shoved it in the cracks of the crumbling wall as that is tradition write payers and then put the papers in the cracks in the wall.  Hope, while sustaining, can be perilous.

 Not having hope is the worst, most detrimental thing to staying happy and avoiding depression.  Having too much hope however can also be a detriment. We must find a balance with hope.  I have been on both ends of the spectrum from hopelessness to being extremely hopeful.  Both have caused pain, but I am OK now with the correct amount of hope.

The deepest, darkest point of depression is when the hopelessness takes hold and that is when living doesn't seem worthwhile.  I have had this happen and it was some of the worst times of my life.  I don't think I'm ready to explore this part of depression because for once I am feeling happy, but if I discuss it the happiness will slip away into the abyss, never to be seen again.

The peril of too much hope is that it can blind people to reality.  I always hold old hope when causes are lost.  Most of them are for guys that always disappoint me.  I do not believe that holding out hope for healing a broken friendship is a lost cause.  Circumstances may change.  I believe that people can come back together because wounds can heal.  This isn't the peril of hope.  The true peril of hope is holding onto the lost cause and hoping that that person will change.  People only change if they want to.

Having a good amount of hope is a powerful thing.  Hope is the thing that keeps us going, helps us achieve our dreams , and gets us through the pain.  Hope has power and has peril depending on how much is there.

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished my first book for the month was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I have to say that I absolutely loved this book.  I related to it more than I could possibly say.  Maybe it was her codependent relationships or her commitment to beating her misery, but I related.  Also read the book as it is so much better than the Julia Roberts movie.

Elizabeth's journey out of depression, which resulted from a failed marriage and then a codependent affair that left her drained and vulnerable.  She came up with an idea to bring balance, God and pleasure into her life by going to 3 different countries:  Italy (for pleasure), India (for prayer) and Indonesia (for balance).  It is a book about finding herself again, which is something that I appreciate very much. 

While reading this book, I forgot one major component of healing, which is healing of the heart.  I, too, have codependent relationships with men according to my darling assistant, whom I affectionately call Watson.  I do believe that she is right on some level as losing him was what caused this terrible bout of depression that I am coming out of at the moment.  I don't believe that the heart ever heals as quickly as the mind, body or spirit.  I think that was why love is last in the title.

Now, we can't all travel around the world and find the healing that we need.  I wish that we all could go on that physical extraordinary journey, but financial realities make that an impossibility for most of us.  However, we can have transformative experiences right where we are.  I created the wellness plan for that reason, while I may not be able to have an amazing garden in Bali, I can replicate the scents with a bubble bath.  While I can't do yogic meditation in India, I can take a Yoga class and practice meditation at home.  Though I can't eat my way through Italy( though I have been there and the food is AMAZING), I can experiment with food and cook my own or eat at new places. 

There is always something that we can do to rebuild our lives.  We just have to find the balance and then get there.  I would like to add that I am feeling happy for the first time in a long time and not just for a moment, but that might be tomorrow's post.

Soul Mates

As I am working on part of my wellness plan to read 3-4 books a month, I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It feels like I am on a less fabulous journey that she was on, but it's the people you meet along the way that make it important.  The reason why I'm mentioning it is because one of the people Elizabeth meets tells her about soul mates, which I will share with you now.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person that can bring you to your own attention  so that you can change your life.  A true soul mate is the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah.  Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. 

 This quote caught my attention because I never believed that a soul mate was a perfect match because perfect does not exist.  If people were perfect then they would never fight and come to live in peace.  That doesn't happen.  I also think that people have many soul mates because we are social creatures.

I think he was a soul mate of mine.  He is unmedicated bipolar and sometimes being with him was terrifying because he never realized his episodes.  He thought that he was in control of it and that might be a delusion.  He changed me by softening me and learning to forgive, which is how I got Geof back partially.  Him withdrawing forced me to get better because I thought that maybe I could get him back.  Maybe he only liked the sick me, but I'm not sure.  I am putting my life back together because he changed me and showed me that I could do anything.  I think that I will probably miss him forever and hope that one day we might be friends again because circumstances always change.  Being his friend forever would be painful.  It was painful for the short time that it was there.  It had some great moments with some very bad moments.  I will always consider him a friend.

I wish that he hadn't cut me out so that I could thank him.  I will publicly thank him here.  Thank you for making me believe in myself and making me get better.  You are my friend even if you never speak to me again.  

That is how soul mates work.  They make us better and force us to change.  They then leave, which is painful in and of itself.  Never give up hope though that things can be repaired.  Sometimes they cannot, but I live in hope.  Always.
 

Campaign update

I wanted to do an update on my two campaigns.  The letter writing campaign is mostly finished and I am designing the photo campaign for August.  I am super excited for the latter and I shall describe some details.

The letter campaign went well.  I wrote 25 letters in total, which is quite impressive if I may say so.  Some are being hand delivered while some are being mailed.  They have been sent to 4 countries total as that reminds me that I have friends all over the world.  The most difficult one to write was to him.  He may hate me for what has happened, but I shall always consider him my friend. 

The reactions to the letters have been positive.  I have been called sweet because of them, which is not something that I feel I am.  Kind is possible and a deeply loyal friend is definite.  I just wanted to show my friends that I appreciate them.  I wanted to let them know that their friendship has helped me survive and that I adore them.  I have just a few more to mail and then it will be finished.

The next campaign is called "I am Not my Scars" will start on August 1.  It will be about building self esteem as most of us in the world have body issues.  For those of us with scars, it's not about flaunting them, it's about showing our story, showing the pain that we couldn't express.  The scars are part of us, our story and that should not be kept hidden. 

I will be posting pictures of both hiding the scars and the way to show them in a way that isn't intrusive, but allows the sufferers freedom.  If you would like to participate please e-mail me at zandraava@gmail.com.  There will be no nudity, just fyi.

I will welcome any comments or suggestions that are offered.

Bravery

I've been called brave by several people because I refuse to live in silence about my illness or that I go off and live on my own in a different country or that I am different and proud of it.  Maybe those things are brave, but they are part of me.  Bravery isn't the absence of fear, but moving forward despite feeling fear.

That's what I do, I move forward even in the most awful circumstances.  I decided to file a complaint because I was tired that he was ignoring me because the incident is still effecting us both.  I am appalled by this manager's appalling treatment of everyone.  Instead of staying silent, I filled out paperwork and mailed it off to the area office for a government agency.  Maybe that was brave.  Standing up instead of following the status quo like a lemming.  I mean I could leave, but I don't hate my job or the people I work with.  I hate what happened. 

My descent into madness could have happened at anytime.  It just needed the correct trigger and the incident was that trigger.  I spiraled so far out of control that I didn't even recognize myself.  I had the choice of get better or die.  I chose to get better by developing a wellness plan that my friends and family are helping me with.  I am still motivated by the hope that he will stop being mad at me and care again because people always come back to me.  All the friends I piss off come back to me eventually because I am persistent and charismatic.  Even depressed I have that charisma.

I am getting better for me and that is possibly the most selfish thing to do.  Yet I am afraid that I can slip back into the craziness that plagued me even a few short months ago.  I carry my hope, my drive and my heart.  That is keeping me alive.  That is making me brave.  Not that I use my voice, but because I wake up everyday and decide to carry on.

Beauty

Yesterday was a bad day.  I still have bad days where I want to give up on life because I get triggered and need to find a better way to cope with the triggers when they show up unexpectedly. I ended up on the suicide instant chat last night, which helps me calm down and think clearly.  I wrote a letter of complaint last night and that was very therapeutic.  I also called my friend Jamiyl from college who always listens late at night.

Today was a much better day.  I think that was because I was calmer and was working on academic type stuff.  I am doing a course through my company called Human Relations and the chapter I'm reading has a lot to do with self-esteem.  It makes sense that people with low self-esteem have more emotional issues and I know that my self-esteem has suffered greatly.  Part of that might be the depression itself and part is that I stopped believing that I was beautiful, worthwhile and brilliant.  I hope to get that back some day.

The first thing that I wanted to start with is beauty.  That is definitely a difficult thing to define.  I still suffer from acne, which I hate because I'm 27 and believe that I shouldn't have it anymore.  I am also overweight though I am working an exercise program, which is helping me slim down.  I also wanted to be a make up artist at one point so I experiment with looks and colors.

There is a power in make up that just enhances beauty.  Make up like lingerie is more for the wearer than the seer because it is that boost of confidence that is needed.  I am going to try to work on my beauty.  I will experiment and play in order to boost my self-esteem and beat depression.  It's the little things to start with.

Holding on

How can I learn when my emotions keep getting in the way?  I fight them all day long just to come home and cry.  I am stuck in this place that only has a repetitive cycle of pain.  I am stuck in a moment that I cannot get out of.

I don't understand how you can care for someone one day and then not the next.  Am I the only one who is different that cares no matter what has happened?  I never seem to get what I want or what I need.  The obstacles are going to take too long to overcome.

I wish there was a reset button so that I could start again.  I know that I'm on the verge of real recovery, but I'm still prepared to throw it all away.  Not just because I lost him or that I'm drowning in debt.  I have nothing that I dreamed my life would be.  I have no place of my own or lover or anything good.  I'm stuck in the same place I was at 15 with depression, living with my parents and alone.

I finished one campaign telling my friends what they mean to me and in a way, they sound like goodbye letters.  I didn't mean for them to be, but they have that tone.  How do I hold on when there is just me stuck here?

I keep waiting for it to get better and right now it's not.  It's about holding on from one moment to the next and I don't want my life to be like that.  No one ever told me that life would be this hard.  If life is going to be about just managing my illnesses then I don't want it.  There has to be more to life than just holding on and managing.

Healing the Mind

This is the longest, most arduous part of getting better, healing the mind.  I'm not referring to the brain as an organ because the chemical imbalance is part of physical healing, at least to me.  The mind or emotional healing takes the hardest work and the most dedication.

Mental pain is not something that anyone can see.  When someone breaks a bone and wears a cast many ask what happened and wish the injured to feel better.  Those of us that suffer from a mental disorder cannot wear a bandage around our heads or hearts that says "depressed," "bipolar," "OCD," "anxious," "schizophrenic," or......  We mostly suffer and heal in silence because of the fear of the stigma that we will be called crazy.  The truth is that most of us who suffer do not seek treatment because of the believe that we can control it or because of the fear of what others will think of us.

President Obama held a conference on mental health in Washington DC recently.  He spoke about how mental health is important and shouldn't be swept under the carpet.  There have been astonishing statistics that came out along with the conference.  The most startling for me is that suicide is now the #1 cause of death among 15 to 49 year olds.  That is a terrible thing because these events can easily be prevented with the right help from professionals and loved ones.  

The healing of the mental anguish takes time above all.  We can't heal alone and that is why I am grateful to my friends that still treat me as I am normal human being.  After a particularly bad day, I texted my friend, Ashley and we went out to dinner.  Just spending time with her and talking was assisting in the healing process. 

The healing of the mind is a constant process that includes changing one's thinking.  My mind is still a mess, but I am persevering.  Asking someone if they are ok, can change the outlook of the day.  Healing of the mind takes internal and external forces.  It's not easy, but we all have the power to accept and provide help.  Let's bring the suicide rate down.  Let's urge people to seek treatment.  Let's start the healing of the mind.

Supplements

I am going to be slightly boring and write on the supplements that help ease the symptoms of depression.  I have to say that they are super helpful, but first I want to describe what depression feels like.  I will then describe what comes back.  That way it won't be a yawn fest.

Depression strikes very gradually.  First you just start not being able to feel joy and then the laughter kind of stops.  After that happiness is sucked out of you.  Following that there is only anger and sadness.  Eventually those are stripped away too until this only nothingness.  The only respite from this soul crushing blackness is sleep and even then it's not restful.  As time goes on, life doesn't seem worth living.

I should have gotten help earlier, but I kept thinking that it would go away or that I could handle it.  I really couldn't, which is the sad truth.  Getting help takes courage and is the first step in the right direction because there are professionals out there that can guide you to a better place. A place of hope and happiness, but that takes time.

One of the things that is helping put me in the right direction are vitamin supplements.  Let's face facts, none of us get everything we need from our diets anymore as we eat crap as a whole. I started taking a multi-vitamin years ago and I still take one.  The next step was taking a prescription vitamin called Deplin, which replaces the part of folic acid that I can't break down.  The final thing that I started taking in Fish Oil.  This has the omega-3 fatty acids that help regulate mood too.  Since I am a mature adult, I take the fish oil in gummy form.

As part of getting better, the supplements as essential because my emotions are starting to come back and stabilize.  I am actually feeling good for the first time in a long time.  I can't quite get happiness, but I am hopeful that I will get there.

The worst thing

The worst thing about getting better and recovering is the effect it has on your cognitive abilities.  I still feel jumbled and it gets worse when I am stressed.  I actually have memory wipes when I'm stressed.  I just have blank spaces from the day and it's a horrible thing.

I also think that part of it is because I get frustrated when I mess things up like spelling or speaking or that I forget a word and that exacerbates things.  I keep feeling like I'm stupid and unaccomplished, which is the complete opposite of the truth.

I know that my brain is rewiring and that it will take time, but I don't have the patience.  I have to learn patience and slow down.  I always want to rush things....to be the best...to be the one that people look up to.  I think that I am trying to run before I can crawl.

I get frustrated with my progress at times because I want to be on the level I was before this horrendous bout of depression.  I am doing everything right, but I'm not back to me yet.  I want to be me and I want to find happiness.  Maybe that will take a while or maybe I have to find a new version of me.  I'm just unsure of where to go. 

Forgiveness

It is said that forgiveness is more of a choice than a feeling.  It's a decision that you come to after you realize that you still care for a person.  Being forgiven is out of one's control though.  I want to be forgiven because I have already forgiven everyone.

I think forgiveness is done slowly, I mean it took me about 2 years to forgive Geof and then another year for us to start talking again thanks to his wife, Bela.  I am really stubborn and that is why it takes me so long to forgive a slight.  I am also equally stubborn and won't let go of the person in my heart.  I still care for him even if he won't answer me.  I know that it will never be like it was, but I forgive him his faults.

I have not forgiven myself for what has happened as I think that that will come later.  I will write about the incident another time.  I have accepted what happened and am trying to get myself back together.  The healing may take years, but I am making good progress.

The key to forgiveness is acceptance and hope.

Comfort

I think that the most comforting things are the things that made you happy when you were a child.  I'm not just talking about toys and running outside.  I'm talking about food, people and imagination.  The things that we forget about as adults because we're too busy or sophisticated or thinking too far ahead.

I wrote about how I envy my 5th graders sometimes because their lives are less complicated and can seem to make themselves happy.  My therapist said that the reason for that is that children live in the moment.  They don't plan that far ahead.  Yes, I still envy that, but have been trying to live in the  moment.

When I have a day where my symptoms spike (ie indecisiveness or feeling unreal), I try to do the things I loved to do as a kid.  My favorite thing to do is eat Chef Boyardee pasta dinosaurs and meatballs.  Is it healthy?  Not at all!  Is it tasty and comforting?  Hell yes.  What makes it even better?  Cheez-its.

The other thing I like to do, but haven't done in forever is swing on a swing set.  I used to spend hours outside on my swing just singing or making up stories.  I think my depression worsened when I was teen because my swing set got demolished.  I mean it lasted 15 years, but it was never the same.  It felt like flying in a safe kind of way.

The comfort of going back to doing what you love as a kid is indescribable and yet it makes me feel so good that my symptoms on a bad day abate.

Cleansing

I have read that cleanliness and simplicity lead to a clearer mind.  I read that not being cluttered helps reduce the stress for people with bipolar disorder and I have to say the same is true with depression.  It's easy to just let the mess build because it's an outside representation of our inside chaos.

So, how to we start cleansing away this chaos and sorting out what is meaningful to us and what is just junk?  The way I'm doing it is grabbing a friend and sorting through the havoc in stages.  Currently, I have my best friend, Brianna and my main support, Jen both helping with the project when  they can.  It makes it easier to decide what to sell, what to toss and what to keep.

Now, I do not have a large bedroom, in fact, I describe it as a walk in closet with a closet.  The other downside is that I have a lot of stuff, which might be why I am consistently broke.  I also think that this has to do with the fact the "newness" would help be feel better.  I have a lot of perfume, books and jewelry.  These three things are either on my wellness plan (reading at least 3 books a month) or on my list (use up products).  They are getting done slowly.

The room is getting done slowly, but I am starting to feel less stressed, less chaotic, a bit more clear.  I am grateful to Jen and Brianna for helping me with my project to minimize and clear out.  Whether mentally ill or not, cleaning out your space is a project the provides clarity it does not have to be done alone.

Spititual Healing

For anyone with mental illness there are 3 things that have to be healed: the mind, the body and the spirit.  The body maybe the easiest because one has to do very little work for that.  Assistance might be required from a doctor, but a body will find a way to heal on its own.  The mind takes longer because retraining, therapy and medication are required.  The spirit, however, takes the longest.  Well, at least for me it will be. 

I've had debates with people about healing the spirit or the soul or the heart, whichever you prefer.  Some people think that the spirit heals first and then everything else follows.  I think with something as complex as the spirit, it is the last thing to heal because it needs more care and attention than the mind or the body.  The spirit is more about finding happiness and after so long in the nothingness, happiness is the longest search of one's life.

I'm not referring to spirituality in terms of religion although for some people spirituality very closely associated with their religion. I don't care if you're Jewish, Christian, Buddhist or worship pandas.  That's all fine.  You tell those pandas that they're awesome, but does that define your spirituality?   I am a member of a religious institution and teach at it, but I view both those things as social callings as opposed to spiritual ones.  I associate spirituality with something/someone/some place that makes one feel calm and at peace.  I actually had to teach the concept of spirituality to 5th graders (10 year olds) and failed miserably.  They were too young to understand that sense of calmness and peace that I was describing.

At this point, I'm not quite sure what my sense of spirituality is.  I think it's a hodge podge of different things.  I believe in the paranormal and the healing properties of nature.  I believe in reincarnation and that those we love never really leave us.  I do not believe in God per say, but I believe in angels, dragons, unicorns and fairies.  I believe that we all have someone to protect us, guide us and love us until our own luminous selfs are gone.  I'm not sure if that's spirituality or just my madness.

I also believe that the spiritual healing happens when we find the place that we belong.  For me that was England, so for 1 year I was whole.  I could see and think clearly for the first time in a long time.  When I felt like I was slipping back into the depression, I sought help immediately.  I couldn't do so this time because I thought it would pass and that if I went back home that I would be healed.

My body has healed from all the scarring and my mind is lagging behind (that is a post for a different day).  My spiritual healing hasn't even begun.  The brokenness that engulfs my spirit has yet to abate.  I hope that with the wellness plan that my spirit will heal and that I can find happiness.