Holding on

How can I learn when my emotions keep getting in the way?  I fight them all day long just to come home and cry.  I am stuck in this place that only has a repetitive cycle of pain.  I am stuck in a moment that I cannot get out of.

I don't understand how you can care for someone one day and then not the next.  Am I the only one who is different that cares no matter what has happened?  I never seem to get what I want or what I need.  The obstacles are going to take too long to overcome.

I wish there was a reset button so that I could start again.  I know that I'm on the verge of real recovery, but I'm still prepared to throw it all away.  Not just because I lost him or that I'm drowning in debt.  I have nothing that I dreamed my life would be.  I have no place of my own or lover or anything good.  I'm stuck in the same place I was at 15 with depression, living with my parents and alone.

I finished one campaign telling my friends what they mean to me and in a way, they sound like goodbye letters.  I didn't mean for them to be, but they have that tone.  How do I hold on when there is just me stuck here?

I keep waiting for it to get better and right now it's not.  It's about holding on from one moment to the next and I don't want my life to be like that.  No one ever told me that life would be this hard.  If life is going to be about just managing my illnesses then I don't want it.  There has to be more to life than just holding on and managing.